Back to school Whether you think it can’t come soon enough, or you dread the end of the long sunny days playing in the park, back to school time normally comes round faster than expected. Expand Mixed feelings about the return to school Like their parents, children can have mixed feelings about going back to school. They may be excited at a new term and being back with friends, or apprehensive about the new school year. And very young children are unlikely to have any concept of going back to school – the whole experience could come as a shock to them. For children who struggle at school, whether it is socially or academically, the thought of returning may cause feelings of distress. It can help to prepare them in advance by talking about it, and to expect some 'back to school blues'. Back to routine Seasoned parents who have been through the 'back to school' experience before will often have their own strategies for making a successful transition from holidays to school. Some start by bringing back a stricter routine, including reinstating school day bedtimes, a few days before school starts again, helping to make the change back less of a shock. Talking about going back to school with the child and involving them in packing their bags and preparation can help very young children understand what it means. Forum member and adoptive mum Dimples puts together a 'what we will be doing' illustrated timetable so that everyone knows exactly what is happening. Monday's timetable might read: 7am get up and dressed 7.30am have breakfast and do teeth 8am have hair done 8.15am shoes on, lunch into bag be ready to go 3pm come home with Mrs Smith next door 5pm tea time 6pm family time 7pm story time and brush teeth 7.30pm bedtime Starting at a new school The first day at a new school can be terrifying! Children might be excited about growing up and moving on to something new, but these feelings can be mixed with fear at the sight of large buildings, worries about getting lost and being surrounded by lots of big and noisy children. Here are some tips to help a child settle into a new school: Visit the school with your child to meet teachers and see the building beforehand. Acknowledge any feelings of nervousness - try saying, 'it's only natural to feel nervous'. Give advanced notice of the child's situation and particular needs. Try not to show any anxiety, as this might increase the child's anxiety. Talk about the change with your child beforehand – discuss any worries and tell them where to go for information or advice, i.e. 'what happens if I get lost?' Look through the school prospectus together, discuss rules and regulations and uniform requirements. Useful links Let's Learn Together Which? Back to School guide More of our resources, specifically on the topic of education
Birth children and adoption Adopting with birth children introduces a whole range of extra issues, particularly relating to the impact the adoption may have on the existing children. Expand Families with both adoptive and birth children may have been a rarity in the past, but are increasingly common. Often agencies require an age gap of at least two years between the youngest child in your family and an adopted or permanently fostered child. This is so that parents can meet each child's individual needs, and to minimise their desire to compete for your attention. Research suggests a placement is more likely to work out if the child or children joining the family are not too close in age to the child or children already there. It is more common for the adopted child to be the youngest in the family when they are placed, although this can vary depending on individual families' circumstances. Valuable experience One adoption agency says: "We particularly welcome people who have raised their own children. This experience can often make them ideal adopters for older children or those with special needs." However, another says that "experience of parenting can be an advantage, but bear in mind that adoptive parenting is very different. "Think about the ages of your existing children. What would be the impact on them of a demanding child who needs a lot of your time and love?" A decision the whole family should be part of Before beginning the process, prospective adopters should discuss their plans with the whole family and ensure that everyone is committed. Adopting with birth children, like any adoption, is rarely straightforward. It can have huge advantages but can also present enormous challenges. Emotional challenges Before the new child arrives, many families wonder how much to tell their birth child and when – not wanting to subject them to the painful waiting process unless absolutely necessary. And once they are in placement, there can be all manner of problems thrown up, as the new child brings a whole host of changes in the atmosphere and relationships of his or her new family. The household dynamic of the family will change - the child who was the youngest may have to adjust to their new position where they are no longer the 'baby' of the family. This can result in behavioural problems, such as aggression, directed to the new child. As well as the usual sibling problems of children unwilling to share their parents' attention, fighting over toys and showing other forms of rivalry, birth children can have their previously calm and stable worlds turned upside down by the family's new arrival. Birth children may worry their new sibling will get all their parents' attention and may express this through misbehaving. They may also test the household rules to see if the upheavals mean they can get away with things they could not in the past. Their confusion at adjusting to their new home and family, combined with the effects of previous traumatic experiences and potential behavioural or attachment issues can result in confusing and difficult to deal with behaviour, for both parents and existing children in the family. Tips Our forum users have come up with several suggestions for helping birth children cope with their new adopted sibling, based on their own experiences: Before your new son/daughter moves in display a photo of them and say “Hello” and “Goodnight” in the morning and evening. Encourage birth children to prepare for the arrival of their new sibling(s) through buying gifts and arranging the bedroom. Give birth children time with you without the new child – e.g. put the youngest child to bed early to play games, read or talk with older children. Let children keep their own things private and separate, with rules about privacy in bedrooms. Give each child reassurance and one-to-one time with the family’s adults. Ask older children what annoys them about their new sibling and work on that behaviour, showing the children’s concerns are taken seriously. Set a good routine. Keep control of your own emotions, even when pushed to the limit and do not react with anger or lectures - the child may switch off. Vent your feelings as often as possible so the tension does not build up, but away from the children. Accept any counselling available to you. Read up on attachment disorder
Coping with Christmas The bright lights, the big meals and the bangs of crackers all go to make Christmas a time of spectacle. Expand For some traumatised children, however, this can be too much, leaving them feeling vulnerable, or even reminding them of bad Christmases they may have experienced in the past. We look at ways to keep the festive season fun and stress free for you and them. Experienced adoptive parents talking about Christmas, particularly an adoptive family's first Christmas together, are almost unanimous in their advice: Keep it low-key and familiar. Forum user Hippychick explains: "For first Christmases I think you need to be very careful, and be wary of what experiences our children may have had before joining our families. For one of our children, Christmas was a time of terror, not joy, and the first time she saw our Christmas tree go up here, she had night terrors for days. We had to build up very slowly to her even being able to manage being in a room with a tree." Lonsdale adds: "I suggest no surprises at first - you may be able to bring in small surprises in later years." But keeping Christmas low-key and making sure the children do not feel threatened by it does not mean this time of year cannot be fun. Adoptive parent Garden suggests: "Develop your own traditions and stick to them every year – it is very bonding." Involving children in menu planning, giving them jobs to do and getting them to help with decorations can all be enjoyable parts of the holiday. Overall, taking a more measured approach to the festive season is likely to mean that everyone involved – children and adults – is less stressed, and so enjoys themselves all the more. Planning each day The lack of routine over the Christmas holidays can make it difficult for some children to cope. Building in routine activities – like meals at the usual times can help. Using visual timetables to plan each day in advance and help the child understand exactly what they will be doing and when can take away the uncertainty of this period. You can use these to plan activities, what times everything will take place, and even menus for different mealtimes. Making sure you all go out for some fresh air every day, whatever the weather, is another good idea and will help children burn off some of the extra energy or adrenaline they might have built up. And not having visitors every day – every other day at most – is likely to help keep the atmosphere a bit more familiar and safe for children. Finally, Hippychick recommends: "Keep things simple, honing down things so that they don't actually go to everything they were invited to, and if they are not coping, then battoning down the hatches and keeping them very close." Christmas dinner The extra people, multiple courses, the banging of crackers and excitement of lighting the Christmas pudding can all make this meal a daunting experience for traumatised children. Online Community users have suggested the following tips, for calmer family meals on the big day itself and afterwards: Eat at normal mealtimes – at your usual lunchtime or in the evening Give children foods they know and like – if pizza and baked beans will make them more relaxed and enjoy the meal, then put them on the table Don't force unfamiliar puddings on children – have the ice cream they like Be careful with crackers for children who do not like noise Taking some of the strangeness out of Christmas dinner could go a long way towards helping children feel safe, making it a more enjoyable experience for everyone. Look after yourself Christmas is a time for getting together, spending time with family and having fun, but these can also mean that it can be an extremely stressful time of year. Making sure you do not take on all the organising yourself can help – make sure each member of the family has a task, to make them feel significant and take some pressure off you. Taking some time out to do what you want to do, whether it is listening to music, going for a walk, or even just spending half an hour reading a magazine with a cup of coffee, can make a big difference to your state of mind. Exercise generates mood-enhancing hormones and can leave you calmer, happier and feeling more in control. Going for a walk or a swim over the Christmas period could make a big difference. A bad diet can greatly exacerbate stress. It may not be possible to eat healthily at Christmas, but making sure you eat fruit and vegetables, and replacing some sugary snacks with healthier alternatives such as raw honey, puréed sweet fruit and dates can all help. At stressful times it is a good idea to minimise consumption of caffeine, which can stimulate stress hormones and cause insomnia, and alcohol which is dehydrating and a depressant. Make sure you take some time to relax,C and most importantly, remember that it is your Christmas too! If you can, please help us support adoptive families this Christmas, and beyond Adoption UK and our supportive community are here for adoptive families through Christmas, and beyond. If you can, please consider making a donation to Adoption UK so that we can keep supporting the amazing adoptive families who are building brighter futures for our most vulnerable children. I would like to make a donation
Meeting your child’s birth parents Many adopters who have experienced direct contact talk about how worthwhile it was, for them and their child, despite their trepidation about coming face to face with their children’s birth parents. Expand Why meet the birth family? A meeting with your child’s birth parents might be a once in a lifetime opportunity: To fill in some of the gaps in your child’s history. Find out little details that no one else can know. Maybe most importantly, it will enable you to, at some point in the future, give your child a fuller picture of their birth parents. Support from professionals It is very important to have a social worker with you when you have your contact meeting. They will facilitate and support the meeting. You should also take the opportunity to prepare properly and to talk to the social worker beforehand. Several adoptive parents also recommend taking a camera and asking the social worker to take a picture of you together, as this is a tangible keepsake to pass on to your child. Questions to ask birth parents We’ve made suggestions, below, of some questions you might want to ask when meeting your child’s birth parents. Not all of these questions will be suitable. For example, it might not be appropriate to ask birth parents about their own lives. Discuss what you want to know with your social worker before deciding what questions to ask, and try to be sensitive to the birth family’s situation. Pregnancy and birth What was the pregnancy like? What was the birth like? Who held the baby first? How much did he/she weigh at birth? <end bulleted list> Babyhood When did he/she first talk? How did they sleep? Was there something special you did to get them to sleep? Did they have a comfort blanket or a favourite soft toy? Did they use a dummy? What were his/her first words? Who chose his/her name and why? What was he/she like as a baby? Family life (if appropriate) Do they have any particular happy family memories or family holidays they can talk about? Do they have any funny stories about him/her? Did the child have strong relationships with any extended family members – grandparents, aunts etc? Are there any special family traditions, e.g. at Christmas? <end bulleted list> Inheritance Do they look like anyone else in the family? Where do they get their eyes/nose/hair colouring from? If they have a special talent – is this something that runs in the family? Are there any special hidden talents in the family? Are there any particular jobs/trades that family members have been involved in? Are there any inherited illnesses? Does anyone in the family have any allergies? Birth parents How did you meet each other? Do you have any contact now? What music do you listen to? What do you like doing? What are your favourite TV programmes? What films do you like? What sports teams do you support? What is your favourite food? What are your hopes for the child? How do you feel about the adoption now? Is there anything you want the child to know as they grow up? Further information and resources If you have questions or concerns about meeting birth parents that you'd like to discuss why not contact our Helpline? Alternatively, you can post a question on our Forums. Here are some existing threads on the topic: Meeting birth parents Meeting the birth parents - questions to ask and things to say
Successful school holidays School holidays can be a wonderful time to spend quality time as a family. Here are a few ideas to help fill the days – places to go on days out, activities for days in, and ways to keep the family entertained on those long, long journeys! Expand Here are a few ideas to help fill the days – places to go on days out, activities for days in, and ways to keep the family entertained on those long, long journeys! The value of structure Some adoptive parents find their children cope best with a clear structure, so they plan their vacation in detail, setting activities for each day well in advance, and displaying the information for their children on a pictorial calendar. Taking shortcuts, like doing food shopping online over the holiday period, can help parents juggle the extra childcare that the holidays bring. Days out It's worth finding out what activities or play schemes your local council is offering – check their website or ask at your local library and leisure centre. As well as sports and activity sessions for a range of ages, some offer cycling proficiency courses for older children. Other days out could include: Zoos Museums Safari/theme parks Castles or stately homes – often with extensive grounds Steam railways A local swimming pool Cinema – many run daytime holiday clubs Theatres - often run tours and workshops for children, sometimes open air theatre too Local authority countryside teams and local wildlife trusts' free activities, i.e. pond dipping and treasure trails Wildlife parks and sanctuaries Children's farms Days in By the time you factor in the transport, entrance fees and treats, days out can be expensive. The following list, which contains ideas from our Online Community users, is for days at home that can be just as much fun: Fill a large plastic box with a few plastic toys and some coloured water and freeze it – then let the children chip and chisel away like archaeologists to get to the toys Camp in the garden overnight Potato printing and fingerprinting A walk collecting interesting objects Water painting – give them large paintbrushes and a big bucket of water, and let them paint the house and the patio Paddling pool fun...try adding washing up liquid! Hand and feet painting Growing seeds e.g. on a windowsill, try cress or, if planting outdoors, pak choi, runner beans or tomatoes. Treasure hunts Roll out some wallpaper lining paper on the floor and draw around the children, then they can paint them and cut them out Buy some large photo frames for several pictures and ask the children to choose their favourite photos to be displayed Borrow a friend or neighbour's dog for regular walks Long journeys A familiar part of many people's summers are the long journeys to reach holiday destinations. Keeping children entertained and happy during these times can be a monumental task. Once you have played 'I Spy' for a couple of hours, a few more ideas for games could come as a relief! Here are some suggestions: Guess the Animal: Someone thinks of an animal, others ask questions about that animal, i.e. 'can it fly?' They can only answer 'yes' or 'no'. The Alphabet Game: Think of a category (e.g. animals) and find a word for every letter of the alphabet, such as Aardvark, Bluebird, Cat etc. Word Association: The first person says apple, second person says banana, third person says monkey, etc. The Number Plate Game: look at the nearest number plate for the group of three letters. The first letter is the initial of the person's name; the second is where they come from, and the third is the job they do. Yes and No: Ask one person questions to which they can answer anything except yes or no. If they say yes or no they are out and it's someone else's turn, i.e., 'what school do you go to?' 'Are you sure?' Other ideas for keeping children entertained during long journeys include providing them with a CD or MP3 player, audio books (which often can be borrowed from a local library) or a deck of cards. Further ideas and resources From our Forums: Summer holidays on their way National Trust (archive) What should I do with them? (archive) The Cinema Exhibitors' Association Card website - a national card that can be used to verify that the holder is entitled to one free ticket for a person accompanying them to the cinema. Adoption at the Movies blog - reviews of movies from an adoptive parent's point of view Search for playschemes in your area Where can we go.com Really helpful regional search on DayOutWithTheKids.co.uk Family days out from VisitEngland.com Loads of ideas for things to do from VisitWales.com Events, activities and attractions from DiscoverNorthernIreland.com Things to see and do from VisitScotland.com
Questions for foster carers and social workers This list of questions has been pulled together from suggestions from our Forum users and while it is not exhaustive, it is based on real life experiences. Expand When you are preparing for placement, it can be difficult to remember all the things to ask the foster carers or social workers. This list of questions has been pulled together from suggestions from our Forum users. Don't forget, if you have any questions or concerns about matching, placement or introductions, you can call our Helpline on 0844 848 7900 (Monday to Friday, 10am-4pm) or send them a message online. Routine Food Bathtime Sleep Toilet training Behaviour Products Medical Development Education Social Animals Activities Clothing Toys/books etc Possessions General History/family Future Adoption plan Routine Can they dress/undress themselves? What boundaries have been set? What is their daily routine? Can you write it out for us? Back to the top Food Any feeding/swallowing issues? Are they good or fussy eaters? Does it take a long time for them to eat a meal? How often do they eat and how much do they eat? Are they having baby food and if so, which varieties do they like? Are they weaned and if so, when? If they are weaned, what type of food are they eating - textured, smooth, finger food etc. Do they have any food allergies? Do they have formula (what make) or cow's milk (full fat or semi-skimmed)? How much milk do they have? What are their food likes and dislikes? What do they usually drink? What food do they usually eat? Back to the top Bathtime Do they like being in the bath or is it stressful for them? Do they like brushing their teeth? Do they need help with this? Do they like having their hair brushed, washed, dried? Hairbrush or comb? How do you wash their hair and with what? What shampoo and bubble bath do they have? When and how often do they have a bath, morning or evening? Back to the top Sleep Do siblings sleep in the same room? Do they use a dummy - just at night or during the day too? Do they have any other comforters - just at night or during the day too? Do they nap, if so when and where? Do they need a nightlight on? Do they sleep soundly or does the slightest thing wake them? How are they sleeping? How do you soothe them back to sleep during the night if they wake up? How do you deal with nightmares/monsters under the bed? Is their cot in a particular place in the room - near or away from the window? Do you have anything in the cot - toys, mobiles etc. Is there any music used to help them sleep? What bedding do they use - blankets (how many), duvet, sleeping bag? What is their sleep routine (time, stories, bath etc?) Will they sleep in the buggy or the car or do they have to go to bed to sleep? Back to the top Toilet training Are they toilet trained? Do they need help with the toilet and washing hands etc? Do they suffer from nappy rash and, if so, what cream do they use? How did toilet training go? What are they like having their nappy changed? Are they reasonably happy or do they hate it? What is their nappy size? What make of nappy, wipes and creams do they have? Back to the top Behaviour Can you identify what their particular cries mean - they need food, changing etc? Do they have any (rational or irrational) fears - flies, spiders, loud noises, water, smells, places, activities, beards, people with glasses, anything unusual? Do they have tantrums and, if so, what triggers them? How long do they last? Do they react to pain or the distress of others when they are with you? How can you tell when they are angry or scared? How can you tell when they are hungry or tired? How do they cope with pain - do they have an overly high or low pain threshold? How do they show affection? Are they cuddly or do they push you away? How easily are they calmed? How would you describe their behaviour and personality? If they have any contact with their birth family, how does it affect them? Is there anything that triggers a particular feeling (anger, happiness, fright, distress) for them? Is there anything that particularly delights them or gets them excited? What do they use to comfort themselves - blanket, dummy, rag, toy? What do you do to comfort them - cuddle, stroke, hold them in a particular way? What is their general outlook on life? What/where is their 'quiet space' or sanctuary? What do they understand about their own safety - not playing with matches, dialling 999 etc? Back to the top Products What air freshener do you use? What perfume/after shave do you wear? What washing powder/liquid, fabric softener, tumble dryer additives do you use? Which baby products and toiletries do you use? Back to the top Medical Can I have access to the child/ren's medical records? Are their inoculations up to date? Are there any upcoming appointments? Are they a sickly baby? Are they having any specialised care/therapy etc? Are they teething? Do they go to the dentist regularly? How do they feel about these visits? Do they have any allergies to products - washing powder, plasters etc? Do they have any special needs? Do they have dry skin or baby eczema? What products do you use? Are they over-the-counter products or prescription? Do they like calpol or do they prefer nurofen? Have they had any grief counselling? Have they been screened for hepatitis a/b or HIV? Have they had any childhood illnesses - chicken pox, glue ear, sticky eyes, conjunctivitis? How did you handle teething? Is there anything they liked/disliked? What happens when they are teething - rash, fever, drool? How much do they weigh? How tall are they? If they take medication, how and when are they given? What do you do when they are feeling unwell? What is planned over the continued review of any medical conditions that are already identified? What was their head circumference at birth and now? (This measurement gives a good indication of likely future growth). When are their next medical/dental/opticians appointments? Are they up to date? When was their last dental appointment? Back to the top Development At what stage of development are their speech and language skills? Are there any issues being, or to be, addressed? Do they have any particular talents and attributes? How do they compare in development milestones to a typical child of their age? How is their intelligence and understanding? How mobile are they? What has their physical development been like? Back to the top Education Can they speak/read/write/draw? Can we see any of the things they have brought home from school? Do they have a best friend at school/nursery? Do they have any frends away from school/nursery that they may miss? Do they have any specific skills or attributes - a fantastic dancer, for example? Do they like going to nursery or school? What was their last report like? Back to the top Social Are there any other children in the foster care placement (siblings or other children) and how do they get on with them? Are they used to playing with other children and having them around? Do they prefer the company of children or adults more? Do strangers upset them or make them anxious? Do they have stranger fear? Do they have difficulty with hugs, eye contact, touch, close proximity? Do they like their birthdays? How do they feel about celebrating other people's birthdays? How do they cope with parties? How do they feel about Christmas? Do they play well with friends? Are they leaders or followers? Do you take them to toddler groups? How are they with new people? Which adult are they closest to? Back to the top Animals Are there any animals they are frightened of? Are they accustomed to any pets/animals? Did the birth family have pets? Do they like cats, dogs, birds, farm animals? Do you have pets? How do they behave around pets or other people's animals? Back to the top Activities Can they swim? Do they swim regularly? Do they like dancing and singing? Do they like playing in the garden? Do they enjoy it even when the weather isn't fine? Do they like sports and outdoor activities? Do they like travelling in a car? Are they good passengers? Do they like walking? Do they ride a bike? Do they have their own bike? Do they suffer from travel sickness? Have they travelled a long distance in a car? Do you use a baby sling/carrier? Have you taken them abroad on holiday? If so, where? Do they have a passport? Have you taken them on holiday in this country? If so, where? Is there any particular equipment you take with you when you are out and about with them? Do you have special seating arrangements - at home, at tables in restaurants, in the car? What are their favourite indoor/outdoor games What are their favourite places to visit - park, swimming pool, woods, farm? What are their favourite smells eg seaside, flowers, woods? What are their favourite songs? What are their hobbies and interests? What size and make of child seat do you have in the car? Do they have any toys or mirrors attached to their car seats? What kind of pram/buggy/pushchair are they used to? What sounds or noises do they like to hear? Back to the top Clothing Are there any clothes that they dislike wearing? Are there any clothes that are particular favourites? Do they have a good range of seasonal clothing to bring with them? What are their clothing sizes? What size feet do they have? Back to the top Toys/books etc Do they have any favourite toys and/or books? What are their favourite television shows or movies? What is their favourite music? Is there a theme to their favourite toys/books/tv? Back to the top Possessions Is there anything that they really love that they won't be able to bring with them? What clothing, toys, bedding, books, CDs, DVDs, photos, documents etc will they be bringing with them? Can you tell us who gave them which possessions - birth family, other foster carer? Which are significant or most precious and why? Back to the top General Are there any photos we could take with us? Do they have any nicknames? How are their religious needs being met? Do the birth family want them to be practicing their faith? What is their legal status? Are their any court dates? What is the likely outcome? Double check anything that you have been told by social workers or medical advisors with the foster carer. Where are all their legal papers, health records, personal papers, school/nursery reports, old birthday cards, old photos etc? Back to the top History/family Are there any mental health issues that you are aware of within the birth family? Are there any other siblings? What is their status? How are they doing? Did siblings have a similar ante-natal experiences? Are there any genetic illnesses that you are aware of within the birth family? Were they born prematurely and, if so, how premature? Was there any substance abuse or smoking during their pregnancy? What is their ethnicity? What was their birth weight, length and time of birth? Back to the top Future Can we call you to ask more questions in the future? Do you think that there will be a lot of problems when they move on? Do they understand about adoption? Do they understand about their past and future? If so, how much have they been told? Do they understand what has happened to their birth mother and/or father? Do you want to keep in contact? Is there anything that you would like to know about us? What and who do you think they will miss when they move on? When can we give them something of ours - an item of clothing or a toy - for them to get used to? Back to the top Adoption plan What contact with birth family, including siblings, will be expected? What is the plan for reducing contact with birth family (if any contact is currently taking place)? What is their adoption plan? Who supports their plan - guardian, courts, birth family? What assessments have been undertaken and when - medical, sibling, attachment? What reports have been produced and when - medical, school, nursery, foster carer, sibling, attachment specialists, psychiatrist? Back to the top
Asking for help Are you happy to ask for help? This article tackles a tricky area for many adoptive parents who, after going through a long and difficult process to adopt a child, find they are struggling and may not be able to cope Expand This is a tricky area for many adoptive parents who, after going through a long and difficult process to adopt a child, find they are struggling and may not be able to cope. Asking for help is not easy. Go into any bookshop and you will see the size of the 'self help' section – an entire industry that has grown up out of our desire to help ourselves without having recourse to others. This has developed out of our wish to be self-sufficient – and the fear of being seen as weak, needy or incompetent. Feeling like a failure For adoptive parents this can be particularly pertinent. They may have gone through a long and difficult process before finally being matched with their child. After that struggle, admitting they need help can feel like a huge failure. Or they may fear that they will be blamed for being the cause of the situation. What is more likely is that their child's early trauma and difficult start to life are to blame – things that happened long before the child joined their adoptive family. More than practical help Writing on our forums, adoptive parent Cavalier said: 'None of us are any help to anyone if we ourselves are going under due to the pressures we all have to cope with.' 'It is such a shame that we find it hard to ask for help. Doing this does not mean we are failing in any way, it means we are intelligent and sensible enough to acknowledge that although we are doing all we can we need input from others who have the knowledge to give us the advice we need or the help and support that is necessary. 'It is a strange fact that we seem to have no problem asking for help to cope with physical issues, but when it comes to mental or emotional ones we seem to feel we should just be able to do everything and have all the knowledge and ability that is needed.' Perceived fears Not asking for help can turn a small problem into a crisis – and this applies not only to family life, but to troubles at work, getting in to debt and all manner of other areas.Another fear about asking for help is that you will be giving up all control of your situation. For adoptive parents this can be the fear that their children will be taken away, or just that professionals will take control over their lives. Bumbling Banjo's story Bumbling Banjo, one of our online community members, had been struggling with her middle daughter. As she put it, she had been 'ploughing on and on and didn't realise the damage [being] done to my physical and mental health, constantly worrying all the time, trying to do everything to fix her and help her and feeling a failure because nothing I am doing is helping.' 'I never connected the following at all with being stressed/worn out/anxious to be honest and I felt I was just under the weather but even then I've been fooling myself - I ended up in hospital last week a couple of times and they wanted me to stay in but I came home - it was a severe viral flu, blood infection and reactive arthritis in my shoulder. 'I had a brilliant nurse and doctor and they were asking me loads of questions etc because this all came on suddenly. 'The nurse asked me whether I was worried about anything at home and I just collapsed and broke down in a mess out of the blue, I was a complete wreck. It all just came flooding out. They have said that my illness has been brought on by stress/being completely run down and exhausted both mentally and physically and they told me I've got to speak to someone, rest and try to take care of myself. It gave me a fright 'When I came home I phoned my social worker straight away and she came round and I verbally admitted for the first time to her (which was so hard as I feel like such a failure) that I couldn't cope anymore. She's been amazing and got the wheels in motion straight away. She has arranged a counsellor for me to help me cope with things - and we have an attachment disorder specialist coming to start working with middly and us as a family. I'm feeling so relieved - I already feel a weight off my shoulders.I think I'm trying to say to others, don't make the same mistake as me, don't try and do it all yourself, don't try and be super human - don't be scared to say you need help, and please look after yourself and not let it have an affect like it has on me - please take care of yourself first. As my social worker says, I can be no help to middly unless I'm OK myself - which is so true - if I'm a wreck I'm doing her and her sisters no good. I now realise I can't fix things and I have to stop trying, so I'm handing it over to the professionals now, and am hoping against all hope we can find strategies/solutions etc. to help her because my biggest frustration and hurt comes from the fact I can't do anything to stop her hurting and it breaks my heart to the core. Please please please look after yourself first and don't ignore what your body and mind is telling you. Where to go for help Talk to your social worker Get in touch with our Helpline team Ask fellow adoptive parents via our forums or your local supporter group: Forum
Living with Foetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD) This article looks at the challenges of living with the effects of FASD Expand 'Children and adults with FASD struggle everyday to make sense of a world that doesn’t make sense. They can see the real world, but they have been robbed of parts of their brain or parts of their functioning, so they see what normalcy is and they see that they don’t fit in.' - Susan Fleischer, adoptive parent and founder of the NOFAS-UK The official line on drinking during pregnancy You can find current Government advice on alcohol during pregnancy on the NHS Choices website. What is FASD? FASD, an umbrella term for the following diagnoses: foetal alcohol syndrome (FAS) partial FAS alcohol-related neurodevelopmental disorder (ARND) alcohol-related brain defects (ARBD) possible foetal alcohol effects (PFAE) Children with FAS have distinct facial features. Other symptoms of these conditions include long-lasting growth problems and brain damage affecting behavioural, cognitive and learning difficulties. The impact of FASD Matthew Verity, the first child to be diagnosed with FASD in 1977, was removed from his alcoholic mother at six weeks of age. As a baby he had difficulty feeding, was withdrawn and never smiled. He learned to walk late, could not read facial expressions and body language and, aged 12, after a traumatic transfer to secondary school, suffered a breakdown. His adoptive mother Janet said: 'He was a strange, confused and lonely little boy who had no interaction with any of his peers, except through bullying.' Aged 30, Matthew became a spokesman for the issue. He said: 'Loneliness and vulnerability is a horrible part of it. Very few people in my life have actually understood me and clicked with me as a friend.' Matthew loves music, has difficulties with short term memory and depression. As a young man he had to deal with the anger he felt towards his birth parents. Getting an early diagnosis of FAS Adoptive mother Avril Head, whose young son, Dominic, has full FAS and was not expected to live when he was born. She would encourage parents who suspect their children have FASD to get an early diagnosis: 'If we can recognise it and get help, then children won’t be handed over for adoption without being diagnosed and we can give information and help to adoptive parents. 'Society has to change. We have to recognise that people need help. Dominic’s parents were extremely addicted to alcohol, but didn’t realise how badly they needed help and how it affected their child.' Challenges for a FASD child Susan Fleischer explains that children with FASD often have a good long term memory but damaged short term memory. They can appear normal and be good at things, but what they do well one day they cannot do at all the following day, which is difficult for other people to understand. They feel frustration, both at their own inabilities and outside criticism. Other difficulties include time management, budgeting, personal hygiene, social relationships and problem solving. As adults, most need supported housing and assisted living. How parents can help Susan advises parents to: Train themselves to repeat things and to simplify Give one instruction at a time Use routines Establish a calm environment for your children. She recommended finding 'nurturing situations', such as inclusive theatre groups and schemes like Riding for the Disabled, that will not criticise children or say ‘try harder, you can do it’. She added: 'Find something they love, not something they may be good at. If your child has a passion then that is a success story.' Useful links NOFAS-UK The FASD Trust FASAWAREUK
Social Networking Social networking on the internet is a huge and growing trend, but can expose children and their families to a number of risks. In this article we share the harrowing experience of one adoptive family, as well as some tips for parents on making sure their children are safe. Expand Social network websites are ways of linking people who share interests and activities over the internet. Many parents remain in the dark about sites such as Facebook and Twitter, how their children are using them and the security issues involved. Used safely, social networking sites are a fun way to stay in touch with friends and discuss shared interests. But without proper precautions children can be exposing details of their lives to anyone who logs on. As adoptive mum Molly warns: "Be very careful about what information is out there." Sharing personal information Social networking websites allow users to create a profile of themselves, including information about them, their interests and activities, contact details and a photograph. They can decide how much or little information to give, and adjust privacy controls to choose who can view their profile or contact them. For example Jenny, aged 14, decides to set up a profile on Facebook. She uploads a photo of herself, writes about her interests, enters her email address and mobile phone number and gives her home town as 'Bristol'. Jenny can choose whether only people she knows and has confirmed are her 'friends' can see her details, or she can choose to leave her profile open – allowing anyone who searches for her to look through this information. Even if she chooses that only friends should see her full profile, unless she restricts how her details appear when people search the site, if someone searches for her, they will be able to see her name, photo and the names of any 'networks' to which she belongs, such as 'Bristol'. The risks Molly and her family did not use Facebook, but information placed on it by other people still meant they could be traced by her son's birth family. Her son Fred, eight, had face to face contact with his two brothers and letterbox with his birth parents. He was considered too traumatised for direct contact with his birth parents and was adopted out of their authority, to avoid accidental meetings. During contact he let slip his new surname, and this enabled his brothers to track down photos of Molly on Facebook, posted by her college students despite her requests, and which the brothers recognised from the contact visit. They passed this information on to their birth parents, who found the family's address on 192.com. Molly explained: "Then the phone calls started. It caused a lot of trauma really. Fred started to ask why am I here and my brothers there?" Where to go for help? For general guidance on internet safety for children and young people: Thinkuknow.co.uk – a website of resources, advice and guidance run by... The Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre The UK Safer Internet Centre Books Social Networking and Contact – a guide for social workers (BAAF) Bubble Wrapped Children: How social networking is transforming the face of 21st century adoption – by Helen Oakwater (MX Publishing) Social networking and you – by Eileen Fursland (BAAF)
Adopting with pets Pets can provide children with companionship and a sense of responsibility. Expand However, some prospective adopters have found having pets a barrier to adoption and some parents have faced the challenges of keeping a pet safe from a traumatised adopted child. Growing up with a pet can have strong physical, emotional and educational benefits for children. A 2002 study by Warwick University, even suggested children with pets have stronger immune systems and take less time off school for sickness. Having a cat or dog exposed children to more infections early in life, but this boosted their immune systems, so they attended school on average for an extra nine days each year to their peers. Other research has suggested that close physical contact with a much loved pet can lower stress levels and help avoid depression. A decision made by the whole family The RSPCA promotes the benefits of pet-owning, but believes buying a pet should be a decision taken by the whole family. They will need to have the facilities, time, financial means and level of interest necessary for long term care. Pets can be expensive to care for, and children often lose interest, leaving the caring responsibility with the parents. Tips on introductions If you're an adoptive parent introducing a child to a family pet, the RSPCA gives the following advice: 'Animals may be wary of unpredictable children, and children coming from homes where there has been no pet may be scared of animals, especially dogs. Help them to understand each other and be friends. 'Make sure the child is gentle with the dog or cat and play doesn't become too boisterous. If the animal has had enough, respect that. No matter how kind and trustworthy your pet may be, if a young child is pulling its tail or poking a finger in its eye, it may lose patience and snap. Don't put your child at risk by leaving it alone with an animal.' They also advise parents with pets to watch out for scratches on their children, where play has become too boisterous. Key points to teach your children are: To recognise danger signals i.e. growling Never to tease the pet Not to approach it when eating or sleeping Not to carry food near it To keep their face away from the animal's claws and face Loud or sudden noises will startle it If you have any questions about how your pets might influence your adoption process, or be affected by an adoptive placement, why not visit our Forums to share your concerns: Forum
Promoting yourself with flyers One way prospective adopters can be a bit more proactive in finding their future child is by putting their details on a flyer. Expand If you are approved prospective adopters and you've been waiting some time for a match, there are several ways you can improve your chances of finding your future child. Make sure your details are on the Adoption Register (for England and Wales or for Scotland) Attend adoption exchange days Join Adoption UK to access the 'children who wait' service Something a bit different Another, more proactive, way, which has worked for some families, is promoting yourselves with flyers. This involves putting information about you, what you can offer a prospective child and what you are looking for, on an eye-catching flyer and sending it out to agencies. It's best to keep the information short and sweet: Stick to one side of A4 Make sure you provide your contact details AND your social worker's. Include a recent photograph. How would it work? Here's a sample of the sort of text to include in your flyer: Approved for Adoption Jack (38) and Jill (36) live in Fakenhill, Sampleshire. We have a three-bedroom home with a garden. Approved for one or two children aged 3-6 years old. We have an active lifestyle which we look forward to sharing with children. We enjoy hill walking with our King Charles spaniel, line dancing and volunteering for St John's Ambulance. As regular churchgoers, we have a readymade support network which would offer a welcoming community for children to be part of. We enjoy spending time with children and young people, particularly our young nieces and nephews, and they seem to enjoy spending time with us! We believe we have a lot to offer as parents and look forward to sharing our lives with a child or children. Specific Matching Considerations: We could not accept a child with: Down's syndrome Severe learning difficulties Severe attachment disorders Displaying sexualised behaviour. In all other respects we have either ticked yes or limited. We would accept a sibling group. Jill is white European; Jack is mixed race with a Jamaican mother and a Scottish father. Jill is an experienced teacher who has worked closely with children with learning disabilities. Jack has a younger brother who was adopted, so has a good understanding of adoption issues. We are very open to all forms of contact in the appropriate circumstances. If you feel your agency has any suitable children please contact us on [email protected] or our link worker: Jenny Pretend ([email protected]) Sampleshire Adoption and Fostering Services, Fakenhill 0198 223671 Thank you for taking the time to read our details If you are concerned about how your matching process is going, why not why not contact our Helpline who will be happy to talk over the issue with you. Alternatively, check out our Forums to share with other adoptive parents: Forum
Lying Lying is something that many adoptive parents are familiar with. Expand Why do adopted children do it? What does it tell us about what is going on inside them? Some adopters find that lying goes hand in hand with stealing, as their children use one behaviour to cover up for the other. There are obviously a huge number of reasons why children lie. These can include: Wishful thinking – making something up because they wish it were true or to impress friends Difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality, and thinking that if they really want something they will get it Trying to please parents – telling you what they think you want to hear feels more important than being caught out in the lie Worry that your love and approval are conditional – telling you they did well at school because they think it is more important to gain your approval than tell the truth To avoid punishment when they know they have done something wrong To gain more attention – i.e. feigning illness to be comforted To avoid something undesirable – i.e. feigning illness to avoid school To test adults – making up a story to see how easy they are to fool For revenge – making up a story about a friend who has upset them To show bravado - 'exaggerating' to friends about an exploit. If you are experiencing problems with lying, why not contact our Helpline who will be happy to talk over the issue with you. Alternatively, check out our Forums to share with other adoptive parents: Forum The National Children's Bureau (NCB) has information which is aimed at helping teachers recognise and understand common behaviours of children who have experienced major loss or trauma early in life.