Therapeutic parenting What do we mean by ‘traditional’ parenting? Traditional parenting tends to use rewards and sanctions to encourage and motivate children to do what adults require of them. It is based on behavioural techniques. This can be effective where the child has a secure relationship with parents and other adults. Adopted children may have learnt from an early age that adults cannot be trusted, that they do not act in their best interests and that they may hurt or reject them. They may experience even a slight rupture in a relationship as catastrophic and may seek to have control over the situation. They may also be easily triggered into a state of fight, flight or freeze when they experience a situation as threatening. This is because of their past experiences. Children with experience of trauma may also feel intense shame and experience themselves as bad and not deserving of good times. As a result, attempts to enforce rules through rewards and sanctions can be experienced by a child as threatening and can cause feelings of intense shame and worthlessness. They may ‘double down’, try to control the situation or be triggered into behaving in traumatised ways. This can include being over-compliant. Sometimes adults can be driven to behave in ways that unconsciously replicate the child’s original trauma, for example taking toys and belongings away and ignoring or excluding the child and increasing the intensity of these measures if they do not appear to be effective. Children commonly experience behaviour systems that are displayed and managed in front of others as particularly shaming and may not learn from them or seek to manage such systems to get their needs met. How does therapeutic parenting differ? Therapeutic parenting takes account of a child’s developmental and emotional age, their experiences of trauma and their attachment difficulties and puts more support in place than may usually be needed by a child of the same age. There is an emphasis on ‘scaffolding’ the child through adult support, presence and connection. For example, help would be given to get dressed rather than to punish a child for being unable to do this on their own. Therapeutic parenting recognises that a child’s capabilities may vary greatly from day to day depending on the demands on them. Putting dependable structures and routines in place helps to build safety in children who have experienced lots of change and may have come to expect it. Structure may be particularly important around challenging times of the day such as mealtimes and bedtimes, and at particular times of the year such as school holidays. Therapeutic parenting recognises that children may have missed important relational development and may struggle to form friendships or may be drawn towards unsuitable and even risky relationships. There may be a need for increased supervision around peer relationships and an understanding that children may not be able yet to learn from experience in the same ways that their peers do. There is an awareness of a shame and shame-based behaviour and an avoidance of language and actions that increase feelings of shame. In general terms, therapeutic parenting understands and predicts a child’s difficulties and puts in support and empathy to build success and strengthen relationships. Is therapeutic parenting ‘no rules’ parenting? Therapeutic parenting has boundaries and rules and it is an important part of parenting in this way. The boundaries will fit the child’s capabilities and needs and will be chosen carefully and may vary depending on the child’s emotional state. For instance, if a child has had a difficult day at school, their parent or carer may help them with a task or do it for them rather than insist that they carry it out. This avoids conflict and demonstrates that the parent or carer has noticed they are struggling and have chosen to help them. There are other rules that parents may decide are not negotiable. It is important for a child’s sense of safety that these are in place and are understood. These may include rules around safety and how others are treated. What else does therapeutic parenting involve? Therapeutic parenting builds the relationship between a parent and a child using play, games and rituals that encourage ‘give and receive’ and connection. It uses a lightness of touch and playfulness to connect in non-threatening ways. It uses a great deal of nurture and nurturing activities that may be more commonly used with younger children. Therapeutic parents may need to address challenging behaviours such as telling untruths, hoarding food and money and violence and aggression. These are approached by first understanding and accepting where the behaviour originates from (for example, taking and hoarding food and over- eating can be a response to having experienced hunger and a lack of security and rooted in a basic survival response), acknowledging and connecting with the child and putting strategies in place to reduce the likelihood of the behaviour and to increase feelings of security. How easy is therapeutic parenting? Therapeutic parenting takes time to learn and practice but many adoptive parents report that it reduces conflict and provides a strong foundation for relationship building and development. It can be difficult coming to terms with having to parent differently and the amount of extra thought, planning and energy it can take. It can be intense for long periods of time particularly during transitions when behaviours can escalate. Therapeutic parents can sometimes struggle with the opinions of those around them who may not be familiar with these methods. It may also be challenging having to accept that children are developing at a different pace to their peers and that parenting in a way that takes account of their start in life may need to be in place for the long term. What help is available? Your agency should offer you training and support for therapeutic parenting. It is important that you have people in your support network who understand why you are parenting in this way and can support you, especially when times are tough. Adoption UK hold meetings and virtual support for adoptive parents who are parenting in this way. Adoption UK have an in-house, specialist psychology and therapy hub (PATH) that provides a range of trauma-informed services for adoptees, parents and families across the UK. 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