Supporting adoptive parents with a new placement

On placement 

Preparation classes, assessment process, approval as prospective adopters and the anxious wait for a match will all have taken place. The family will also have gone through the introductions process, usually taking place over a couple of weeks but dependant on a few factors including the age and needs of the child. 

Social workers will advise new adoptive parents on the benefits of having time alone with their child as a family unit to allow bonding and for the child to get used to their new surroundings. The child may have experienced several moves to different carers in their short life and the concept of being in a permanent home with virtual strangers can be difficult for them to comprehend and begin to come to terms with.  

This can understandably be frustrating for wider family and friends as they naturally want to welcome the child into their circle. However, please be patient and take this at the pace the adopters judge is right for their child; they will gradually introduce people one at a time as they feel their child is ready. Putting additional pressure on them at this time could be actively unhelpful longer term. 

Greetings

Depending on your family you may well greet family members with a hug or kiss. It can be difficult to understand that for some children who have experienced trauma this can set alarm bells ringing and could be quite frightening. A child who has been neglected may have never experienced such closeness and this can be equally disturbing for them. Please be guided by their parents who will know something of the child’s history and also by the child themselves – give them the time and space to become comfortable and don’t insist on physical affection, let it come on their terms. 

Names 

It is likely the child will keep their first name even after legal adoption. Until the Adoption Order is made, the child keeps their birth surname, but adoptive families often want to keep this confidential to avoid the risk of the child being traced by birth family. It is worth checking with the adoptive parents what names you should use for the child.  

Status  

Some families contain a mixture of birth children and adopted children. It may be tempting to refer to children, for example, as ‘your real grandson’ or ‘your adopted niece’ but most parents would probably prefer you not to make such distinctions. It may also be important for adoptive parents to feel their children are of equal ‘status’ to other children (grandchildren, cousins, etc.) in the wider family. It is worth giving some thought to how you, as a friend or relative of the parents, can help the child feel welcome and accepted. If in doubt, talk to the adoptive parents about how they’d like to approach it. 

The Child’s Story 

The new parents will have been told in confidence as much of their child’s story as is known but please respect the fact that it is the child’s story to tell and, as such, their right to keep this private. The parents are bound by confidentiality as it is important that nothing is revealed that could identify the child’s whereabouts to third parties or the child’s birth family, as this may not be safe. While knowledge of a child’s past may help people understand the difficulties they now face, it is the role of the parents (especially when the child is young) to share as much or as little of this with others - including school, medical practitioners and friends - as they think will be in the child’s best interests. 

Parenting strategies 

Parenting an adopted child who may have attachment issues (we have a separate factsheet for this which is available on request) and other issues due to their history, is very different to parenting birth children. For one example, disciplining a birth child by sitting them on the ‘naughty step’ or sending them to their room can evoke feelings of abandonment and/or lack of self-worth in an adopted child. Adopted children often feel it is their fault that they can’t live with their birth family and therefore feel that they must be bad. These children need ‘time in’ with their parent(s) rather than ‘time out’. The adoptive parents will have had some training on what is called ‘therapeutic parenting’ and will have done a considerable amount of reading on this subject. They are fully conversant with their child’s history and will parent accordingly. Loving parents and a new happy home, it’s important not to needlessly bring up the past trauma that a child has experienced. 

Emotional age v chronological age 

This can be a difficult concept to understand. Children who have experienced trauma and neglect at a crucial stage of child development can have an emotional age much younger than their chronological age. They will need parenting according to this emotional age. Eventually these children can, and do, catch up but it can seem strange to onlookers to see a very much older child being ‘babied’. For instance once a child is placed in a loving family they can regress to being like a toddler even though they may be significantly older. They may refuse to dress themselves and want their parents to do this for them or they may have toddler tantrums. Some even regress back to wanting a baby bottle. Part of this can be about re-doing a stage of development that they missed out on due to early trauma in their early lives. Having an idea of the child’s emotional age can help in both understanding and in parenting strategies. 

The child’s understanding 

A young child may hear the word ‘adopted’ but not really understand what this means. For instance some children may think that this is something that happens to all children and therefore be accepting. Gradually, the knowledge dawns that they are the exception rather than the rule and this can be a painful process. Certain events, sounds and smells can give them flashbacks to their previous life and the parents and wider family can be perplexed by what has precipitated certain behaviour. It may not be possible to identify all or any of the triggers, particularly if the trauma/abuse happened during early childhood. It can therefore be perplexing for all, including the child, when for no apparent reason they become anxious and begin to act out. As the child gets older there may be times when they struggle with their history. As a friend or family member, the best way to approach it is to take the lead of the parent – they will share with you if they feel it is appropriate, and the way they approach things will be based on the training and understanding they have. 

School projects 

Doing family trees or being asked to bring in a photograph of themselves as a baby can be especially difficult. Adopted children often don’t have baby photographs and those they do have (in their Life Story Book, for example) may show them with birth or foster families, bearing no resemblance to their present circumstances. Whilst you would expect the parents to discuss this with school, being aware and vigilant for other similar situations elsewhere could be very helpful. 

Teenage years  

Searching for identity can be a particularly difficult stage for an adopted child. ‘Who do I look like?’ And ‘Who do I take after?’ are questions that typically stir up all sorts of feelings and emotions. A non-judgemental attitude is vital here – adolescence is difficult enough before adding the extra layers of identity and adoption. Beware falling into the trap of thinking that the adopted young person is in a ‘better situation’ and therefore should be happy or grateful – they have a lifelong connection with two families and accepting them both is important. 

Further reading 

• Related by Adoption: A handbook for grandparents and other relatives - Hedi Argent  

• Welcoming children into your neighbourhood - Jane Espley 

• Adopters on Adoption: Reflections on parenthood and children - David Howe 

• Before I Arrive: A simple handbook for families of prospective adopters - Helen Townsend

Post adoption support

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