For many people, becoming a parent is a major milestone that fundamentally reshapes identity. Parenthood can bring profound belonging and love, but it is also challenging and, for adoptees, can surface questions about identity, family ties and adoption itself.

My recently published research explored the experiences of four adults adopted in England before 1989 who later became biological parents. The date is significant because the Children Act 1989 centred the welfare of the child in adoption, increasing rights to birth family contact and placing greater emphasis on pre- and post-adoption support. Two men and two women were interviewed, discussing parenthood from pregnancy through to the present day. Their children were predominantly teenagers or young adults, allowing reflection over many years of parenting. While every adoption story is unique, there was commonality in their experiences.

 

Parenthood as an awakening

Parenthood reshaped how adoptees understood their adoption. Giving birth, watching their children’s personalities develop, and revisiting milestones from their own childhoods prompted them to think differently about their adoption and adoptive families.

The physicality of parenthood made adoption feel more ‘real’, often generating increased empathy for their birth mothers. Navigating multiple family systems brought unique challenges, and aspects of parenthood sometimes prompted critical reassessments of their adoptive parents’ role in adoption.

 

Adoption echoes on

Adoption fundamentally shaped how these adoptees parented. They experienced anxiety, self-doubt and mental health challenges, compounded by a lack of support. Many felt that better help processing their adoption would have made them better parents.

Specific anxieties included bonding with their child, being “good enough”, gaps in medical history, and intrusive fears of losing their child. They also grappled with how to talk to their children about adoption, and how to protect children’s relationships with adoptive grandparents. Reunion with birth family became more complex once children were involved but also offered the opportunity to give their children a greater sense of heritage.

 

The intergenerational impact

One of the most significant findings concerned family communicative openness. Their adoptive parents had generally not been sensitive in how they discussed adoption, nor had they provided opportunities to process it. This likely reflects the limited training and support available to that generation of adoptive parents. This left adoptees without the tools to confidently manage adoption conversations with their own children, or to enact the levels of emotional intimacy they wished to have.

Growing up with a sense of secrecy and shame about their adoptive status was common, leaving some with an enduring sense of isolation. This was compounded by their adoptee identity not being fully understood by their own children or anyone else who was not adopted.

 

Moving forwards

Despite these challenges, parenthood was ultimately healing. Forging their own family provided a loving, reciprocal bond and improved self-worth. Many took pride in breaking generational cycles and offering their children a different kind of childhood.

The study highlights the need for lifelong psychosocial support for adoptees, greater openness within adoptive families, and better protocols for missing medical information. Openness is not a single conversation; it is an ongoing process that evolves as children grow.

By Tamryn Stevens, doctoral researcher, the Centre for Childhoods and Social Justice at the University of Bristol.