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I feel that in the best interests of this child that this placement should end, that he should be cared for by others who show more care and have more experience and skills. I don't feel any amount of support, courses or therapy will improve this situation. My reactions to each battle are too negative and escalate each situation.

What response would sw give and what would happen next?


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Olivia, if I remember correctly your son has only been with you a few months?


The first thing is, don't make any hasty decisions, your life is changed forever now, you can't go back to 'before'. we have seen several adopters recently disrupt early on and deeply regretted it.


Its such early days, you are still strangers to each other, it takes a lot of time and energy to build your relationship and find out what works for you.

I don't think you are a single adopter? what does your partner think?

Does your SW know you are struggling?


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It depends, what you feel is not that important, more important is how much support you have received, if any, and what happened after that. Is this something you have not talked about before? Do ss know wbout your struggles? I wonder why you feel so negative about your parenting and skils?


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I really agree with Serrakunda. With the right help, there's every chance that you can be a wonderful parent to your LO. I never knew that I was a shouty person until my AD arrived - and it took a long time for me to learn to be a therapeutic parent.


Take care of yourself and get some help in. Actually, having other people around can help diffuse the atmosphere: I know the advice is usually to keep things very quiet at home in the first few months but it can be just too intense for some children.


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Lots of adopters feel like this early in placement (as actually do lots of birth parents). You have experienced a major change and it will take time to adapt - in some ways you are grieving for you old life - the freedom and the things you used to do....and currently the positives of your new life are not yet clear - its hard work and I suspect you are getting little back.


At the same time your LO will also be grieving his old life...he has also lost a lot and can't yet appreciate what he has gained. He will be scared and that will affect his behaviour.


It might be worth a visit to your GP - you may have post adoption depression (similar to post natal depression) and need some help to get through it. I would also contact SW and talk to them about this.


Sadly, most people who disrupt really struggle afterwards and life will never go back to how it was before.


Take care of yourself in the midst of all this - what are you doing for you?


((Hugs))


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I hope you don't mind me saying Olivia Rose, but you sound really down. Reading between the lines, it sounds like you've lost faith in yourself and your abilities. There's a thing called 'blocked care'- I wonder if you might have this? But it is something you can deal with.


http://www.adaptscotland.org/uploads/4/4/2/9/44297021/adapt_scotland_par...


Or is it possible you have post adoption depression - it's as common as post natal depression, which again, can make you doubt your own abilities.


In my early days I went for weekly counselling - quite separate from any SW involvement. It was my own time, my own respite. I found it really helpful as I was quite alarmed that I wasn't able to always be the kind therapeutic person that I thought I was. It helped me put everything in perspective. I can see now that I was just extremely, extremely stressed - of course I was - my life had just been turned upside down and I felt utterly out of control, despite everything I had learned and read! A few months is no time at all, it really isn't.


I would talk to your GP about how you are feeling and think about counselling - don't wait to be referred - a few weeks of private counselling will be a very worthwhile investment for yourself. I absolutely urge you to have a think about how you can help yourself which will then help your child before you seriously think about disruption. I echo what others have said about other posters regretting it. And the ramifications are of course huge and life changing for the child too.


I you have books, keep reading them, if you don't, get some. I especially recommend anything you can find by Holly Van Gulden, Dan Hughes (Building the Bonds of Attachment was one of my bibles!) and others swear by Bryan Post. More recently Sally Donovan's "The Unofficial Guide to Adoptive Parenting: The Small Stuff, The Big Stuff and The Stuff In Between" has really made me feel like I am more competent than I think! And Ross Greene's "The Explosive Child" has been a lifesaver. These really will help you find the tools within yourself to be the parent that you know you can be, and actually probably already are. I'm sure you're doing a much better job than you think.


Please take care of yourself, get some respite and keep posting. xx


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Hi Olivia, first of all you are not alone in feeling as you do. I clearly remember in the first weeks and months thinking I'd made a terrible mistake and nothing would improve the situation. I thought SW had got it wrong in matching us and there was a family out there far better suited to our son's needs. (In fairness, there probably was!!) And, in all honesty, there are still times now (3 years on) when I think "why did I ever do this?"! One thing that kept me going in the early days was my SW telling me to remind myself why we had considered adoption in the first place. She reinforced that I COULD do this but it was an uphill battle and I also found out, like clr1, that I was shouty and had a temper. I made some terrible mistakes which I'm too ashamed to share with anyone including my hubby! BUT (and you won't see this) every day brings a tiny improvement. Temper tantrums are progress, difficult behaviour is your child reaching out to you, pushing you away is, in fact, him asking you to stay. Please get as much support as you can and also talk to other adopters. That was the real thing which kept me going. Just to know that what I was feeling was completely normal made such a difference.


I also wonder if your situation is similar to mine? Hubby went back to work after 2 weeks and I was home alone - bewildered as to how to fill the day, anxious at being left with this 'stranger' and incredibly lonely. I'd gone from working FT in a job I was good at to having no clue! My whole identity had gone and I felt worthless. Only good for chopping up apples and managing to cut my fingers to pieces in the process. If this is the case, then I would say "stick with it". Those days (no matter how long, empty and trying) are invaluable and you will reap the rewards further down the line. My memory of the first summer with my son is of endless visits to the park (not as much fun as it sounds), spinning out visits to the supermarket just so we didn't have to go home and constantly clock-watching for the time when hubby would get home. Conversely, my son talks about the time when I didn't have to go to work and we did lots of things together and how much he loved it!!


Having said all this however, if things are truly bad and you feel it really isn't working, you must speak to SW. You can't struggle until the point you have a breakdown and/or your relationship collapses. I've seen 2 adopters at breaking point and the only answer was to admit the placement wasn't working.


Keeping everything crossed for you xx


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I agree with Haven


Just on the self care , I think you were hoping he would be in school by now. If so use this time to recharge - forget the house, garden, shopping. Five years on, Fridays is still my day, I might do a few small house things, but I go to the gym, have lunch in the coffee shop, go to my support group, potter around the allotment, whatever - just time some time back for you.

And dont be afraid to ask for help


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It's desperately sad to hear how critical things have become for you. I hope you and your DH can find a way through it and keep your LO as I think many of us had feelings like you at the beginning - although your boy does sound like he's really struggling. I know that it's not always enough to understand the route causes of an ACs behaviour when what you really want is someone to tell you what you need to do to make things better - easier said than done. In the 2ish years I've had my LO I've learnt more about my emotions and reactions and it's a work in progress. I still take my AD's rejection of me and her physical outbursts very personally and I struggle to look at things from her point of view all the time but that is probably one of the keys to working things through during this tough period. I've seen other posts here from those who have disrupted and it is heartbreaking. I really hope that you can work this out. I read something recently that really stuck with me - 'the days are long but the years are short' when it comes to parenthood. Good luck x


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SWs arriving this afternoon.

Hubbie can't handle behaviours and gets brunt end of violence/behaviour.

He's in full time work, child in school and we've got some counselling.


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So much fantastic advice here. It does sound to me like you may have PAD, I had it a few weeks in and I felt like I had made a huge mistake. I was adamant that I couldn't see how things could improve, but with counselling, anti-depressants and family support they did get better. I shocked myself with my reaction to placement and my total inability to parent in the way I had read about and planned to, I felt like a total failure and like I was letting the children down. But this was all part of the depression. Counselling helped me to learn things about myself that made sense of why I was finding it so hard, and made me be more kind to myself.

I do hope you get the support you need xx


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Hey, how are you feeling this evening? I hope your meeting was supportive and productive, thinking of you xx


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Hope went well. Agree with everything above. Just wanted to say I have just done a Circle of Security course with our Agency with a wide mix of adopters of all stages with wide range of difficulties and adopters with a fair bit of compassion fatigue and the change in view point we all experienced has really helped in changing responses by kids also. The course is also available on line for free.

Ewok xx


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Waiting on a disruption meeting at some point - don't know what to expect.

Not feeling calm or in control, getting family and friends round, staying to our routine, anxiously trying to get through each hour.


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Oh no.


I'm so sorry.


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so sorry to hear that Olivia. I hope your friends are family are supportive.


if you do disrupt some people may not understand and be very unkind. no one here will judge you so keep posting

and be very gentle on yourself and each other


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I am so sorry to hear this. I hope you are getting the help and support that you need. xxx


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Hi Olivia, sorry if I've got it wrong but is the lo still with you? I unfortunately went through a disruption a while ago. I told ss that she could stay with me until they found the right long-term foster family for her. I think she was with me for 2 weeks after I told my SW I couldn't carry on. She left me in the September and my disruption meeting was in the November - I got the minutes of the meeting in the December. I'm not sure if those timings are standard but hopefully it will give you some idea.

I would echo the other posters saying you should go to your doctor. I ended up on ante depressants and my bd ended up seeing CAMHS with PTSD. It sounds like you also need help getting through this.

It is an awful situation and I really feel for you all. Hope you are ok x


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Lo is still with us. We'd like this placement to end as soon as possible for all our sakes. Our Sws are advising a planned end. I said I wouldn't be able to manage him on my own during school hols. What can we insist upon?

SW manager said they'd support in the days and weeks to come - worried that we don't know when this will end and will escalate.


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I understand - the last two weeks my lo was with us was so hard, knowing she was going to leave us but trying to keep going on as if everything was normal. However if you can keep him until they find the right placement for him that would be better as it will mean fewer moves for him.

I appreciate it is difficult and to be quite honest a 'planned' move will vary depending on your agency. In my case my lo's LA did not contact me or my LA at all to let me know what was happening. They then phoned me on the Thursday afternoon saying they were coming the next day, & that I wasn't to tell my lo anything. They said I had to take my bd to school as normal, still not saying anything... That I had to pack a small bag of her clothes and hide it, then they would come, take her upstairs to her room and tell her. They said that if she wanted to say goodbye then we would but if not they would take her outside to their car and leave.

I was so angry at this - it was meant to be planned but didn't sound like it would be right for her - more traumatic for her than anything else. They hadn't even told my LA. Fortunately my LA (once I'd told them) intervened. I had to tell her she was leaving but it gave her a chance to ask questions, say goodbye to the house, say goodbye to my bd, see that her belongings were going with her (& a lot of mine!).

A planned move for him but an idea of a timeline for you would be best if you are set on disruption. Have they offered you any counselling or family counselling? We had an adoption expert from Barnardos - while in my case it reinforced we were the wrong placement for my lo, they may help you turn a corner in your placement.

My SW was a huge support to me at the time and has become a good friend; I hope you are getting a lot of support from yours. And take care of yourself. x


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Hello oliviarose


I've just checked back to look at your previous post. Clearly there has been a high level of violence and aggression from this child. Sometimes the behavioural problems of a child are just too great for a parent/carer to cope with. I suspect that you were not given full information about this child before he was placed with you. Sometimes for your safety and wellbeing the placement cannot continue.


Recently my grandchildren (daughter and son of my AS and his wife) were taken into care. I had alerted the Panel Members of the Children's Hearing (we are in Scotland) about the behavioural problems of the little girl, nearly 4 years old. I wrote that I suspected that this child may be suffering from ADHD and Tourette's. (The nursery also had major concerns about her aggressive behaviour). The children were placed with specialist foster carers. Within a month the foster mother contacted the social worker to demand the immediate removal of the little girl, now just aged 4. She stated that she and the baby brother of the child were in danger from her. The child was moved and is to be moved again as the foster parent cannot cope with her. I do not blame the foster parents at all. The child is clearly very disturbed. In my view she would not be suitable for adoption at this point.


Do not blame yourselves at all. You have done your very best. I hope the child moves soon. You will need to look after yourselves.


Thinking of you.

Lily xx


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Hello Oliviarose

Just a note to say it can happen just as Vicky Vixen described above, with 'pack a bag' and 'say nothing to lo' etc - it can also happen very fast indeed.

I would prepare just in case the speed surprises you - you may have no say - take all the photos you want NOW, get photos printed now if you want to pack them with lo's things, also if you want 'special teddy' to go with lo, then buy now.

Also, ask sw for permission to be able to write 'goodbye letter' which can be read out to lo, when settled in new home, which will basically say how much you loved him, and will always love him, but that you 'so very sadly were just not able to meet all his needs' or something like this. The letter would also include some happy memories of the fun you shared together doing 'x' etc. Really important to be allowed to write this letter, and perhaps also to be able to put it on his file for when he is an adult.

My heart goes out to you both - when the time comes (if it does), you will cry so much and hurt like you have never hurt before - be very kind to yourselves. Whatever path you take, there is light ahead, eventually xxx


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SWs are available to talk to. My worries are that nothing will be done promptly. What are our options? What can we ask for?

Family and friends don't know how we've managed him so far.


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