Walking away - (For now)
So last Wednesday was the last straw, and I've decided to walk away (for the time being). I feel like a heartless human being, but I also feel a sense of relieve. Very mixed emotions, but I cant do this anymore. I don't feel like I'm admitting defeat, more that I have an understanding that things need to change drastically, because the endless circle I've been in the last 4 years plus is affecting my mental health and that of those around me.
To cut a long story short - Myself and my Husband adopted out daughter when she was 4 (she's now 20). She had a massive impact on our lives from day one. She was a delight as well as a difficult youngster. She was and still is very defiant, and goes against anything you say, think, or feel (when there's no need). Don't get me wrong we have had some really good times, but these are often short lived, almost like as soon as she realises she's happy she sets about destroying it. However her behaviours were only evident in the home, she was and still is very charming to others (especially adults - in authority). School picked up on her manipulation within months and wouldn't stand for it, we tried our best to work at things, but I know I've made mistakes. I've never been one for punishments, I'm more of a 'lets talk it through' sort of a person, or 'lets look at how this can be different', and I actually think this has made things worse.
Anyway, at 17 just 2 months before her 18th she walked out and hasn't 'been home' since (that was 2 and a half years ago). We have been in contact, and most of the time our relationship seems to be ok, but that's my opinion, because to her she sees things very differently. I spent a lovely day with her last week, we laughed, we had food, we talked about the future. She told me on Wednesday that all I did that day was criticise her and not support her in any way. I was gobsmacked, and I just do not get it. She as had it tough with her health, and I've been with her at the hospital, spent time talking to her about how she feels etc, to be told that I was never there and never supported her. When I think about things now I can see that I've been kept at arms length since she left home. She's told her boyfriends family (who I've never met) that she hasn't spoken to me since she was 17, despite me taking the pair of them out for coffee and them coming here and me going to theirs...his family believe her and the boyfriend goes along with it.
Everything's just a mess, her life is full of contradiction, her thoughts can change within minutes, and how she feels one min to the next is exhausting to be around. I feel there is a lot more going on, but that maybe I'm stopping her getting the right help by trying too hard to help and be there....hence I'm stepping away. She as a knack of getting by and seems to be able to get what she wants by controlling the boyfriend. Its difficult to explain everything here, and whenever I have tried to talk to her in the past about getting some help its met with the fact that actually I need help. I've actually got to the point of thinking it must be me, there must be something wrong with me otherwise she wouldn't be this way, but then no one else thinks its me.
I'm scared for her future, and I also feel very let down