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Supportive grandparents

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Wondering what good, supportive grandparents look like to you?


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3 users have supported this.

Hmmm!!! What we imagine they should look like or what they look like in real life?


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Would love to know!


I have heard of some excellent supportive grandparents who want to learn about attachment, trauma and therapeutic parenting, who are able to provide effective respite and a listening ear, who will do whatever is asked to support and respect the views of their child.....


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Sounds like a good essay question!


I should imagine people who are willing to listen and learn and take the lead from their children - or maybe grandchildren - as to what is needed.


But following on from another post - also to provide their opinion and expertise when needed in a tactful way


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Im lucky that my mum is the best I could have asked for. For the following reasons:


1) she has taken time to understand adoption (she does have professional experience as well which helps!)

2) she has taken an interest in the process and came to panel with me.

3) she adores my boy. She has made an effort with spending time with him and me. She has treated him the same way as my birth nephew. She loves to look after him which is clearly very nice for me especially as a single adopter

4) i know that she would drop everything if there was an emergency despite living many miles away.

5) she doesn't try and take over but does offer advice and support as a mother of 3 herself.


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I think it changes over time. When mine were babies bith grandparents were happy to look after them - even though mil refused to do nappy changes! It became trickier as my children got older and their issues became clearer. Mil, who should have had a clue being an ex panel member, really didn't and became a hands off grandmother who thought - still does - that children should be seen and not heard and found it difficult to differentiate for my kids. Or even to understand.


My mum didn't really understand at first but has got better having seen some of the meltdowns for herself. She will look after the kids if I ask - but sometimes I wish she would offer without my having to ask!


She's getting older, very set in her ways and won't come to us. So in reality it takes twice as long to do things as I have to chauffeur them there, do whatever needs doing, then collect. So much faff I rarely bother.


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3 users have supported this.

Hi


We have been very lucky; my mother and her husband and my in-laws live very close by and my mum has my daughter after school once a week and both sets baby sit and have DD occasionally overnight. They are also all very willing to help out in an emergency; usually job related for me as I am a Social Worker. Their support has helped DH and I maintain our relationship as we have had time for "us." We are also very lucky in that they listen to any concerns we want to discuss and offer advice if asked, but don't try and take over or offer unsolicited advice. My DD is very close to my mum ,and this relationship is very important to both of them. My mum had a very traumatic break up with a previous partner when DD was two and found the physical closeness and affection and being "in the moment" with DD very helpful. My mother's new husband is also very good with DD; he encourages her to do her best, in a very positive way. Overall we are extremely grateful and very lucky with the support we receive from grandparents. (Big thank to the four of them!)


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My parents have partridge for tea on Fridays. They started this when little pip was born and now at22 he still goes.


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My children's grandparents are fairly supportive but I have found it hard that my parents live two hours away so practical support wasn't really there. My mum now has a form of dementia. On the positive side she is very attached to older dd and sees her in a very positive light which is great for dd. But dd2 never made the same relationship as mum was already declining when she arrived and now can't see dd2's poor behaviours as anything other than her being a spoilt brat so that can lead to tension when mum's in an aggressive mood.


DH's mum lives nearby and looked after dd1 as a toddler when I went to work and was our chief babysitter for years. She's very accepting as a person and very good at staying calm and using distraction techniques. Sadly she is now very elderly and in frail health so girls don't see much of her at the moment.


Overall I just wish they were all 10 - 15 years younger! That's the problem with being older parents ourselves.


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Only one grandparent left between the two of us - my dad. He was worried how we would cope at first but he praises us now he has seen things develop. He stuck up for me when one of the kids was cheeky, and he gets them to do the dishes every Christmas dinner. Eldest enjoys a good chat with him from time to time, and he spent an afternoon recently with ds2 , taking him out and talking about wartime and his childhood, while dh and I attended a nearby AUK event. He is 87 now but still active and couldn't have done more given his age and is very supportive in his approach and attitude. Like you Milly we sometimes feel that being older parents has disadvantaged the kids in some ways, lack of grandparents for one. Often we feel we are playing catchup on friends and my sister, whose ( birth ) kids are older. But I too had only one grandparent who lived long enough for me to know well, it's not unique, and at least we have friends who also adopted so we are not the only ones our age with kids !!!


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3 users have supported this.

I have older bc and my parents have always lived 4hrs away and my husbands mum (who was wonderful) died young so my now adult children missed out anyway so the age at which you become parents doesnt guarantee hands on gp unfortunately. Now we have become parents again through adopt my parents are old and frail and in need of some support themselves so obviously for us practical support from gp has never been available throughout our parenting years.

It used to make me sad for my children but none of them seem to have been affected by it though i appreciate adoptors need all the practical (and emotional ) support they can get.


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my parents have been fantastic - they have come to training days with me - have been very loving towards my TAT even when her behaviours were off the scale and totally unfathomable - they have tried and never given up on us


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6 users have supported this.

I wanted to say I had a difficult relationship growing up with my parents, my mother particularly. The thing is even though they didn't do so well asbparents they are devoted grandparents.


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I am very lucky in that my parents live close and only have adopted grandchildren. Plus with my brother (who has an entire range of diagnoses - AHD, ASD, dyslexia, dyspraxia) have experience of interesting children. Sqk adores my mother and he can happily go stay there for a night as well as loving going to see her. She is brilliant in an emergency (when I can't get home to pick him up) and does all she can to support both us and my sister & brother-in-law.


My in-laws adore Sqk but we have had to (or rather my husband has) talk to my MIL particularly about not expecting him to behave to his chronological age. They are definitely getting better and seem to understand now the differences about the way we parent him. Just letting us get on with parenting and only giving us advice when asked has been a great help from both sets of grandparents as well as educating themselves about adoption and understanding why Sqk can be different


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