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single adopter versus two parents

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Hi,


Firstly, I'm posting this on behalf of a friend of mine who is a prospective adopter like me, but who isn't a member here and doesn't like computers, and asked me to do this for her, so that I can print out responses for her.


She is a single adopter and has been 'shortlisted' for a child along with one other family, who she has been told is a couple. She is going to be visited by the child's sw in three weeks, as is the other family, and then they'll decide who to go for.


My friend feels that there is a bit of resistance towards her because she is on her own and feels that she will ultimately lose out to the couple. I've tried to reassure her that they will look at both applications in the round. Single adopters, I'd welcome your thoughts about whether you've been in a similar situation and any advice for my friend.


Thanks


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This is going to come down to who they think can meet the needs of the child best. So she needs focus on herself and not think about the other family as she has no control over what they say.


She needs to show she understands the child's needs and how she is going to meet them, support network. Reassure them she has strong finances. If she can have a good amount of adoption leave that will help. plans for childcare, show that she can be flexible.


Just on the not liking computers, any future child most certainly will, so she is going to have to get over her dislike and learn or she will have a lot of problems ahead of her


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Yep. Exactly what Serrakunda said.


I would add that there is a reasonable chance she might lose out, and I think she needs to come to terms with that in all potential matches. In the majority of cases couples are preferred, but a number of children prefer a single carer or aren't suitable for male parents. In any match, many factors affect the choice and this is only one. Going through matching, and especially losing out, isn't easy but getting the right match will happen in the end.


Agree that she needs to learn to use a computer: searching for matches online; researching advice; kids homework; emailing SWs- the list could be endless. I honestly think technophobia to the extent of printing out a forum page would be a barrier to many SWs.


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Hi

I'm a single adopter and I was 'up against' three couples for my match.

I 'won' and have the most special little lady ever.

There are so many things they take into consideration- in my case I think they thought my daughter would benefit from one on one and as she is absolutely thriving I think they may have been right.

Your friend should try and trust in the sw - they are very good at matching children to their forever family and your friend will get the right child when he or she comes along.


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I think that there are children who are better placed with single adopters, in my daughters case this was something that had been agreed was the best option for her and also to be an only child. So what Serrakunda says the child's needs determine what type of family the child is matched to. I think you just have to believe that your turn will come, there will be lots of factors that the social workers need to consider aswell as whether a child needs two parents or one. It is disppointing when you are not matched but you just have to keep hopeful that your child will come along when the time is right.


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I was considered for my LO ahead of couples- even those who matched his ethnicity more closely. His SW said that she just got the right feel from my PAR and in discussions with my SW. Your friend needs to be herself. Try and stay calm and pragmatic. Agree with above posts about being prepared to answer questions and have all her duCks in a row!


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No advice re single parent v couple aspect - for each child SWs will be looking at the best match for each child.


The only thing you can do rather than worry about statistics is try to prepare as you would for a job interview - thinking through what you have to offer this particular child - and also how being a single parent gives you some advantages and what these would be - a SW may not necessarily see these especially if they are inexperienced or looking for a particular set up


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Before we were matched with our LO we were shortlisted (as a couple) for a little girl along with a single woman. She was chosen as she was the best match for the child so as others have said, it's not automatically the case that a couple will be chosen over a single. All the best to your friend x


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When I first looked into adopting as a single person I was very much of the view that I did not want to deprive a child of two parents, especially where one could stay at home, and I guess saw myself as second best to couples. My daughter's family finder was looking for a couple but no couple was willing despite national appeals. Now I would say being single has been the best thing for my daughter. We have a very close relationship and all my emotional energy is focused on her. I tend to have a social life that revolves around her. With hindsight, I would say there are many advantages to being single that I didn't see when I started on my journey. In the end it has to be the right match for the child


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Thanks so much on behalf of my friend, Beth. She is heartened by the advice and will use it to help her prepare for the meeting.


And I've told her about needing to develop her computer skills, so she's onto that too.


Thanks everyone xx


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