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Hi All


Not posted on for while but am looking for help with the above. Basically I found on my AD phone who has just turned 16, but functions at a very lower age and we have CAMHS and Support After Adoption

"supporting us" various messages via Messenger with a 18 year old boy who I have also found is under the care of Social Services as Vulnerable on Wednesday. Basically he was asking various questions along the lines of not wearing a condom, swallowing, sexualised questions and requesting she takes photos and she took a naked photo and sent to him and then invited him over the following morning to have sex and was not bothered if wore a condom! I was so taken aback about this that I was physically sick and had to restrain myself from waking her up to ask what she was playing at. Obviously he did not visit as I saw these messages and DID NOT go out and he was trying to contact her in the morning leaving messages - "has your mum left" I sent an email to our Support Worker and CAMHS Wednesday night who we were due to see that following morning (Thursday). The CAMHS advise was to contact Police for advise. Whilst I was talking to her she went in my bag (I know did not realise I put it down) and deleted the Messenger messages, but what she did not realise was that I had already taken copies of all messages etc. I waited to speak to Post A worker who said needed to take advise from Manager and would see us later. I asked re the boy in question as he did mention he was seeing Social Worker that day so they must have him on the system and I later found out that he was and had a Worker and classed as vulnerable, but I also got from the conversation she had with her Manager when she visited us that there was more, but I was not privilege to know about.


The Post A worker called before visiting to state that it had been referred to MASH and they also advised to contact the Police. She did and they would visit that afternoon whilst SW present. SW arrived about 1:50 met us both for a fortnightly visit and then proceeded to tell AD that I had found messages and that it had been referred to MASH and Police who were going to visit that afternoon. Obviously this resulted in a kick off and storming to bedroom. SW waiting about 5 mins and went up and left me for 1 - 1.5 hours not knowing when the Police would turn up. When SW did come down, at 3:30 and after we had been talking, it was 4 and Police not arrived so I asked her to chase. When she did she was informed that as both were 16 & 18, there were legal and no crime had been committed even though SW had explained when made referral she said, she was vulnerable, at risk of sexual exploitation etc etc. This is what the Desk Sargent said! Obviously, I was fuming so there was several calls between SW and Line Manager and me saying not happy as now we have to speak to AD and say Police not coming out and we all know now that this gives a GREEN LIGHT to say don't know what everybody was worried about, I'm legal its okay!! Then to make matters worse when MASH called to speak to SW, they were not bothered and I got to speak to them who said that as she is 16, they are "downgrading" the referral to Early Intervention Team, but did not know who, when and what would happen. I was fuming with the SW. She said Sorry, I feel like I have made things worse and I said YES - 100X Worse and now you are not available until next Wednesday and I am as a Single Parent left to deal with a child who basically hates me for protecting her. Consequently I have slept very little and most of the day have been in bed with a migraine, but I have managed to put a complaint into SS. Had awful nightmares last night of my AD being R***d and them cheering and clapping - she 16 all is okay!!!! Has anybody else had to deal with this. In addition they are all aware - SW, MASH and Police that she went into care because of Sexual Abuse and I got her at age 8!!!!!


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Dear Cam Cam, I have no experience, but so glad you vented here and I just wanted to send my support and say that it sounds like you are doing all the right things. Hopefully one day she will appreciate how much you have tried to protect her. I can't believe all the services have been so incompetent - there's no other word! You are right to be angry, especially given her background and I can't believe they are just going by age and not anything else


Stay strong, you are an amazing mum. Keep posting.

HX


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Thanks Haven x


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I would say that this is the sort of treatment we have experienced when ss are involved with teens. They really do see no problems with sex underage let alone over age. It's awful imo. You might find there's a course that e.g. Barnardos or NCH action run for children at risk of sexual exploitation. Lots of the larger cities have them.

I'm afraid to say that our AC were warmly supported through sex Ed and lots of input on regular types of contraception. We bought condoms for our son to use. He gave a lot of mouth over how he was a saint and not sexually active. All complete lies of course. Our son doesn't use any protection and our AD had an implant which has now expired. For a time we spent a fair amount of time in gum clinics and again it's one of those environments I'd never envisaged at the start of adoption.

I think the 'at risk sexual exploitation' is the only way we got suitable help


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Hi camcam, sending you a big hug as I know how you feel. My AD is now 18 and 4 months ago walked out and has been sofa surfing with different people. I can't sleep worrying if she's safe or worrying where she is but the blunt truth is she hates me for wanting to keep her safe, I, trying to ruin her life.


I had the same issues when she was at school, once with a boy who was over 18. The school reported it to the police who arrested the boy concerned and took all of his electrics. This went on for months but in the end there was no evidence and it was dropped. SS were involved with her and I asked that she could have some counselling as she admitted he wasn't the only one she was sending pics to. Before we adopted her she had been abused which she talked about and she had counselling to help her understand.

The last couple of years she has repeatedly put herself in unsafe situations which boys or men, because she has attachment disorder apps like tinder are like sweets in a candy shop to her, I have cried and begged her to be carful but she is not interested. Last year she was raped but has refused to go to the police or have councelling. She is sleeping around and was paying for hard core porn on her laptop until I stopped the DD when I found out what it was.


Your daughter is 16 and whether she likes it or not in your control ... I hope you sort it and get the support you both need. I am devastated as my daughter is legally an adult but emotionally about 12 and can do whatever she wants whether it is safe or legal. She has no interest in her dad and I or her siblings and elderly grandparents who are heartbroken.

I do know there were funds available for adoptive children to get help as they are older, we accessed it to get counselling last year, -a child psychologist advised me to access it for her.

I never thought I would see the day when I welcomed SS back into our lives but I have spent weeks he,ping her sort accommodation with the local council for young homeless people.she now has 3 people involved helping her whilst I am only needed when she demands cash, which I am refusing to give but I am paying for her accommodation, taking her food shopping and paying the mobile.

Good luck I really hope you get through to her x


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Thanks Grandmagill, Police did actually pay us a visit a few days ago and have spoken to the boy in question. I have her keys so she can't invite anyone around whilst I am not in and removed Facebook from her phone presently. I know she can probably access through her friends and kids can always find a way. We do have a SW and CAMHS Worker. I am most annoyed with SW as I have had concerns for over 9 months and said that she needs specialist support in respect of this and the risks and was worried that something like this would happen. Now it has, all I get is a apology as they were concentrating on dealing with other issues of possibly contacting BF, Life Story Work, stresses of exams and starting College. It is so hard dealing with CAMHS and SW who only work part-time. I still don't think she understands the whole situation. All her female friends (now only 1-2) are getting boyfriends and she wants to be like everyone else which I understand as long as that person respects you so when a boy shows attention, within a few hours she is saying she loves them and wants to meet up, then backing off, contacting and backing off again. When they don't respond she sends message to the effect "what have I done wrong" chasing them. I am also struggling to sleep and it is so hard being a single parent and friends do not understand the situation or can't handle it.


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Dear camcam


I can't describe the truly horrendous time we had with our daughter, so I do have understanding of what you're going through.

It made me physically sick and unwell.


Very few people really understand as you've discovered and we found "professionals" were pretty useless over these matters, as you've found out yourself.


Our daughter decided to leave our family some years ago so I have no idea what kind of life she's living now. I do know that she had a kind, loving and supportive Mum and Dad in us two and that whatever we did to keep her safe was disregarded and came to nothing. We wasted many years of our lives.


I just wanted to let you know - here, late at night - that you're not alone.


X


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Hi camcam, right with you. I can 100% verify that madrids family provided everything and some their AC needed and could not have loved or cared for them more. I'm really struggling with sleep again and I do fret about the risks, poor choices and the realities of outcomes for our traumatised kids. I have had psychotherapy in the past with mr pt and that did help with things, I can say that it's probably been the biggest help.

I thought this was interesting
https://www.barnardos.org.uk/tackling_child_sexual_exploitation.pdf


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Hi. My local hospital's sexual health centre does a lot of work with young people. They are very approachable and nothing to do with social services. Perhaps you will have similar? Here your daughter would probably be referred to the team for at risk teenagers and supported that way - this is completely separate from post adoption support. Anything similar where you are?


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I've sent you a pm


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Hi Pear Tree I will look at the link you attached.


Hi Flosskirk I will look into possible sexual health centre.


Thanks both for your input.


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I really feel for you cam cam.


Unfortunately from my own experience with SS when I was worried about our daughter being vulnerable at 16( she had sexted a few years earlier but we didn't involve SS at the time as she voluntarily told me and seemed remorseful so I hoped she had learnt a lesson) I am not surprised at the response you have had.


The idiot SWs we dealt with when she was staying away from home and I was expressing concerns she could be raped/ trafficked simply said " she is 16, she can make her own decisions ". Inside I felt like screaming. " yes she is but she will consistently make the wrong decision" . Sadly at 16 they were far more concerned about her having freedom than protection and made a concerted effort not to engage with us as parents so that they wouldn't gain knowledge that would demand appropriate support and protection of our daughter.


Without informing me until after it was done they discussed contraception with daughter and got her fitted with the implant. I'm sure this was more about ensuring she wouldn't get pregnant and so that they didn't have to use resources on a child she couldn't care for.


SS involvement probably made everything worse for daughter and our whole family though at the time we were desperate and naively believed they cared about children's welfare . Ours cared about form filling, covering their backs, blame shifting , and avoiding increasing their workload. I think they must get weekly awards for with holding resources.


Our daughter came to us at 6 and we have strong reason to believe she was sexually abused but the placing LA covered this up. They placed her with us and our birth children putting us all at risk. I know I am nothing more to them than a resource to be exploited.


Several years on my daughter is not part of our lives, but I still love her. You can get through this, whatever the outcome. Get as much support as you can from friends and relatives. Look after yourself as best you can. Be proud of yourself for the love and commitment you have for you daughter.


Best wishes,


Ndf


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We have been offered support from a team that supports children in understanding risks of exploitation - this was via the MASH team. Our dd is nearly 17 but seen as vulnerable due to her history of emotional instability.


As it happens we're not that concerned re exploitation with her but decided it couldn't hurt for her to have some input since it was offered. It hasn't happened yet so can't comment on quality.


So there is support here for over 16s.


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Update- Police have come back to me via SW who did the referral and basically said my daughter and said boy were as bad as each other, but because she sent and requested photos she is more in the wrong. However, they are not proceeding any further. Said boy's SW has now been informed after me chasing SW who only works 2 days and been busy with other things and apparently Community Nurse is going to work with him on safe appropriate relationships! My SW is now making a referal to CSE Team and I am waiting on further information and all was okay as AD knew we were doing a federal. However, she has just had a CAMHS Meeting which she has fortnightly and she has jumped in saying we are doing this and that and referring to a team/group and it has kicked off big style and now she will NOT under any circumstances see anyone and we can all go to hell. I am trying to make contact with CAMHS worker, but again she only works 2 days. Now she is saying she doing nothing, is not vulnerable, needs no help and now got a boyfriend who is 17and got his own place as in Foster Care. Not sure what is true or not as she has been story telling a lot at the moment and been very verbally aggressive . Being very secretive, staying out and turning data off so I can't look on find my iPhone


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I had something similar with my 15 year old daughter earlier this year with AD seeing a 16 year old boy. She would disappear with him after school even though we would ask her to come straight home. My son said this boy was known as a man slag and often had several girls on the go at once.

Anyway trying to put her off didn't seem to be working so I decided to try a different tactic, inviting him round for tea, and offering to take them places. I figured at least I would have some control over what they where doing, and with a bit of luck they would loose interest in each other.

A few weeks after this they split up.


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Hi Silver Birch thank you for your comments. I have tried to invite him over etc, but my AD is saying no, but I will continue.


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Tried inviting our daughters boyfriend over too. She wouldn't have any of it


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Twirl won't even invite her girlfriends over, let alone a boyfriend! We are way too uncool apparently and might say embarrassing things about her in front of her friends. As even the way I eat is apparently disgusting at the moment, there's a very strong chance we would put several feet wrong! I'm sad because my birth sons' friends have been in and out of the house for years and I enjoy having a houseful of young people. CamCam, we've been there with the sexting too. Big hugs to you. I felt ill too and hardly slept, felt dirty actually, having read what she'd written, at the tender age of 12. As the boys concerned were her own age, no-one apart from DH & I seemed all that bothered, although the child protection officer at school did do some sessions with her.


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Another update - seriously stressed as I have had to report AD Missing twice since all of the above. First time I had to wait 4 1/2 for the Police to visit me and by this time I was wondering the streets trying to locate her following locate iPhone and nearly woke a very dangerous street all up, but at the time all I was concerned about was that my AD was in a house (hostel with 5 men) somewhere in that location and it was 12:30/1 a:m. Eventually got her back at 3:30 after the Police threatened to force entry on the property with 2 squad cars and several Police. All she was concerned about was the said boyfriend who is also very vulnerable young man, but with his own place and rules and kept saying "I am not missing" First thought was thank god your are safe and look okay and then do we need to get the morning after pill, but after much screaming at me said she had not. Police more or else patted her on her back and told her to take it easy!


Following day had a visit from our Social W who had to complete a Missing Report form and the lies and stories coming out from my AD was unbelievable. There was no remorse whatsoever only that she hoped boyfriend would not get into trouble. Previously to this meeting I had an earlier meeting with said SW who assured me that she would not take all she says as truth, but that the form was protocol and would reiterate the dangers of what she had done etc.


Then I found out that said boyfriend who was being integrated back to BF was on weed and being supply this by BF Brother so contacted SW for advise and told to inform Police which I did, but was contacted 8 hours later by the Police who said that there was not sufficient evidence to raid his property.


Then 6 days later went missing again. This time had no phone, money, means of getting on a bus and no coat. Again contacted Police and had everyone trying to look for her and FB. She was eventually located 4 1/2 later a few miles away so contacted the Police as was wandering late at night and again still no Police, but luckily she turned up on her own accord an hour later so contacted the Police. Then the Police - (this is the most shocking contacted me 54 hours later to apologise for not visiting that night - 2 days later and saying they needed to do a safe and well) called to visit and I gave them a time the following day as SW would be present and could fully explain the vulnerable of AD etc and said ok. We waited the following day and guess what did not turn up, but left a card the following day after I went to work etc and then turned up that evening at 8:30 and said she is still reported missing until I do this report! I said I was not happy with the Police and how long things have taken and told to complain to 101! Again another statement, another explanation of vulnerability, why adopted and how long (why this should be important I don't know) .AD fabricating things again. It felt like I was on trial! I am utterly exhausted by it all.


SW has informed me that if this happens 3 times then all means of people will get involved. Has anyone else had this happen. PM if needs be.


Thanks


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When our daughter went missing the SW said she would not be considered vulnerable unless they picked her up from a drug den. I'm pretty certain they don't wait in their cars outside drug dens for vulnerable girls.


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The Police have got her down as Missing twice now. Although the second time they seemed less interested! My concerns are now that once they turn 16 they think this is some magic number and that they can do and go wherever they wish despite the consequences! the total lack of respect


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I’m sure the CSE team will do this but make sure a CSE risk matrix is completed immediately and if necessary a vulnerability and risk planning meeting is called if your DD is assessed as at risk. I’m sure they will do this but it doesn’t sound like there’s much joined up thinking here as the SW should’ve done this initially.


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Yes, our daughter was 16 1/2 but we knew she was very vulnerable. Problem was she could say the right answers and then go straight out and do something risky. The student SW who looked barely older than daughter made sure I was presented as an over protective mother who didn't realise daughter need for independence.


Really feel for you, it's super frustrating.


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I believe a Risk Assessment has been done and a referral to an Agency to do some work around CSE , but we are just waiting on allocation of a worker presently. It is so frustrating when your SW and CAMHS workers only work 2 days and then as for the Police. Its like you said Wishmeluck there is no joined up working and I am asking for help and support and nobody really knows what to do. Always having to justify yourself as NOT a over protective parent, BUT a caring parent who wants to prevent something awful happening. Our kids have had an awful start and some awful unimaginable things happen to them and they are still trying to deal with that and god knows what will happen should further trauma happen. When will professionals listen to us?


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Yes I work with vulnerable teenagers who often abscond and it can be hard to get the police on board. It’s important to evidence you’ve taken steps to look for your daughter and bring her home before calling them or they will put it back to you to deal with (CYPSC and the police often bat missing teenagers back and forth to one another to deal with)


It would really strengthen your position to put a safety and retrieval plan together with your SW which allocates actions for your DD (eg keep phone charged and switched on) you (eg, take a note of what she’s wearing...some parents say ‘oh you look fab, let me take a picture’ if not home within an hour of curfew ring friends parents, check fb/snap chat for any check ins etc) , the police (disruption visits, property searches) and social care (return interview, co-ordinating safety plans etc). That way everyone can be held to account and when you’re in a state of worry and panic it gives you practical steps to follow.


Hope that helps.


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If the assessment has been completed, it should have been done explicitly with your knowledge and you should have been interviewed directly for it. You should also be told the outcome of it...no risk identified, low, medium or high. There should then be a regular VRMP meeting (frequency determined by the outcome of the matrix) you may not be able to attend the full meeting as often other YP are discussed as part of the police’s intelligence gathering. I personally request that parents be allowed to attend the last 10-15 mins for an opportunity to ask all professionals involved questions face to face rather than a 2 min summary over the phone from the SW.


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Are they adults at 16 or 18? It would seem that the world believes they are under parental supervision until 18, so why do some SWs find it unreasonable that a parent will want to control their 16 year old child’s behaviour while they are still responsible for it? They can’t have it both ways. Why do social workers seem to make assertions that these children need to become more independent at that age?

Perhaps they are influenced by their dealings with children in long term foster care who are going to be thrown to the wolves when they reach maturity. Why would they expect the same of adopters.

I hope you can resolve this.


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Also, it seems your daughter has formed a caring relationship with her boyfriend and is concerned for his well-being. That’s a good sign and is perhaps something you can work on.


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The boyfriend has dumped her which is a good thing as he smokes weed, is violent, smashes his fist and things, does what he wants as nobody is supervising him as has his own place at 17 following coming out of FC and has recently been beaten up. He has his own issues.


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Sounds as though he’s very vulnerable himself which is so sad (and not helpful for your DD)


Hope you find the right support for you all soon x


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I was more pointing at her ability to care for another, than this particular other, as a positive. It means she is capable of understanding how actions will affect others around her.


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Sorry just wanted to add, your SW can ask for a flag on your address/DD’s name to mark them as vulnerable or at risk so that when you call this alert comes up. They can add notes such as a copy of the safety plan or other relevant info that means it won’t be ignored or dismissed as a fussy parent dealing with normative adolescent behaviour. HTH


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Oh and don’t get me started on the crazy timings of follow up police visits! I’ve known them to turn up days later at 3am, they’re on a night shift working through a prioritised list of follow ups...I don’t think it occurs to them that everyone else is asleep at that time and perhaps they could wait until a more sociable hr.


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Hi Wishmeluck - I did not know about marking them as vulnerable. To be fair I do not think my SW has a clue. You would of thought they should be in the know, but I will mention this when she is back from leave as its School/College holidays which is really when I need her! I will also get her to speak to Police to check what risk my AD is registered at - low, medium or High. I believe High, but Police may have a different opinion of what is High. I have done for a long time logged what she is wearing etc and have telephone numbers of all her friends so the first thing I do is ALWAYS contact friends and I diarise EVERYTHING - have done since the beginning. I am very particular about that and let ALL professional now. I know Police are VERY busy and to them a 16 year is not URGENT, but to me due to High Risk of CSE she is. Fed up though of having to tell them why adopted and intelligence not being shared.


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Yes, it really varies how up to date SWs are on CSE procedures depending on how ingrained it is in their practise. I work in a big city where CSE is a big priority. I insist that all my cases have an assessment when I open the case regardless of gender, all my YP are high school age and vulnerable which to me constitutes a risk factor for them all. This doesn’t follow across the board so it’s always worth following up. Sounds like you’re already taking action which I great. If you can collate all the action steps you take into a written safety plan. It might sound silly as you’re already doing it but it will strengthen your position.


Just to manage your expectations for a police response, they tend to focus on gathering intelligence and running disruption on known perpetrators. It’s very hard to get assessed as high risk from what I can gather. This is entirely my opinion so don’t take it as gospel but I’ve worked with YP who’ve been seen in cars with known adult perpetrators and groomers and they’ve been assessed as low-medium risk. From what I can gather the common denominators in YP assessed as high risk is evidence of sexual assault, evidence that they are grooming other young people and serial absconding incidents of several days in a row, often being found outside of their own home town.


Please keep us posted and if I can be of help please PM me or ask on here


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Oh and yes, police markers are so helpful. I usually request that if I’m working with a YP on a VRMP that theres an alert for the police to call and notify our out of hours duty worker immediately with any police call outs so I’m aware as soon as I get to work in the morning. I also have a copy of the safety plan attached to the address that flags up as an alert so the police know the expected response and are held accountable. They will most likely call your SW as a matter of course but it’s worth checking. As I said above some areas are far more ‘on it’ with CSE


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OMG - Totally and utterly beside myself and feel physically sick and my whole body is hurting.


Well I have found out that AD has been setting up email addresses, contacting Missing People for advice who are giving her various housing options and looking at the options of what you can do about leaving at 16. She is even texting in front of me and smiling quite happily which I find quite disturbing. I knew strange things were happening as recently I had to change all our email accounts as they had been locked due to incorrect passwords submitted and I did ask her about it, but she went into her normal - I know nothing.


I am obviously beside myself and do I call her bluff? (She is unaware that I have found this out presently) She is being very secretive about things and has not once apologised for running away twice now. In fact she said, if you are waiting for me to apologise, then that is not going to happen, which I guess is a normal teenage response. Obviously she is wanting to speak to people, but I would have thought that she would have spoken to either SW or CAMHS Worker, but I suppose I would have been informed.


The question/s I am asking is, can she do this and can Missing People and The Mix advise her on housing options and help her move out? The consequences and the risk - OMG or am I over-reacting? She seems to think, I believe if she has her own place, she can do what she wants, see who she wants and there be no consequences - i.e. risk of CSE, having to move College, lose job etc.


I have sent emails to SW who is on leave this week and only works 2 days anyway and CAMHS worker who again only works 2 days and only just returned from leave and catching up on emails. Both of them have said they don't want to rock the boat so she does not speak to them, but clearly she is speaking to others.


Advice very much appreciate as I really do not know what to do for the best. I am holding so much in as I don't want to come across as controlling x


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This feels awful for you right now, how worrying as her mum. I see this a lot so it’s really not unusual. What sort of plan is your daughter on? Is her SW a PASW or a safeguarding SW? I expect it would be fairly easy to interrupt. Your DD’s SW would have to support independent living and as she has a loving home with no safe guarding concerns then she is unlikely to be top of their priority list so plenty of time to intervene. In practical terms these sorts of placements are very expensive so not doled out willy nilly. Your daughter is not homeless so is unlikely to be allocated a place without evidence she needs it backing up the application. Self referrals tend to languish at the bottom of the pile. I think it’s still very important to speak to the sw but please don’t panic or expect her to move tomorrow. My tiny caveat is that I only know how things work in the area I work and live in, however in the current climate I doubt they have an abundance of empty flats and rooms waiting for 16 year olds who feel their being treated unfairly st home. As you mentioned much of this is normative adolescent behaviour with the additional worry of her additional early life experiences thrown into the mix. I often find AC I work with’s behaviour is normative but they’re lagging behind their peers in terms of emotional maturity so they often don’t get it quite ‘right’ and things become problematic. Now that I’m hoping to adopt snd having a lot of experience working with adopted and looked after adolescents I do ponder how to shorten that gap...the discrepancy between parenting children as per their emotional age when they’re smaller while still equipping them for independence and to keep up with peers to avoid that naivity and emotional immaturity to leaving them vulnerable to exploitation, sexual or otherwise.


Take a deep breathe and remember you can’t do much right now but after some sleep then you can think about it more clearly.


Oh, if your DDs SW is part time and she is a safeguarding sw there should be some provision for their non working days. At the very least there should be a duty SW on at all times who can deal with urgent inquiries/issues.


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Camcam, and breathe.

Ok you’ve found out she’s lying and has a hidden agenda. It really hurts and there won’t be a rational argument to be had about it.

I’d be very surprised if she apologised for running away because she’s separating from you, like all teens do, but in an adopted traumatised child type way. Also empathy is not something she’s great at at the best of times and teenagerhood full throttle they loose what they’ve had!

Read these. This helped us when we found our son was planning to get a motor home and go rescue his birth family. Yep we panicked and I honestly thought we had lost him.

But we worked hard and yes he left Home badly, but he did that from birth family really so I was expecting it. He didn’t get a motor home and head up to birth family.

We worked through a lot of stuff


Have a read xx
http://adopterssupportuk.freeforums.net/thread/77/holly-gulden-road-map-...


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Wish me luck - what is a PASW?


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Post Adoption Social Worker.


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Sorry - as sound as I posted it - I thought idiot - yes it is Post A worker who had been working for us for about 18 months


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Aaaaaah, that completely makes sense...they won’t have the same experiences of dealing with this as a CPSW...I was worrying as I’d assumed it was a safeguarding team!


Something also to bear in mind is when your daughter is allocated a CSE worker they might not share info from sessions with you...something that bothers me and I always bring up at any CSE events, trainings, briefings etc is that I feel it’s risky keeping things confidential from parents. My argument is that parents are the strongest and most sustainable protective factor with the biggest investment in the child...they should be included in everything around information sharing even if it does make it hard work to anonymise, in my opinion. Unfortunately this doesn’t seem to be a shared view so some parents feel a bit in the dark about what’s actually said in sessions. Our CSE team has a link worker to liaise with parents, but I think parents should be more involved.


Looks like you were up until the wee small hours...won’t say I hope you’re okay, feels a bit inadequate but I hope you manage today okay. Xx


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The CAMHS Worker came back to me yesterday and basically said she didn’t have any answers apart from say to AD that I am aware that I know you are looking at options and would like to support when the time is right. All day I felt shattered with tightness in my chest . Later that day I did get my AD to sit down and we talked for 2 hours. It is very clear she does not have a clue what she recently wants as kept flipping from wanting to do things now, then in 2 or 5 years. How she is going to support herself financially. Still got the lying, but I don’t think that will ever change. This is what CAMHS have been working on, but it seems to be getting worse and a lot more manipulating. Still not sleeping very well, but trying my best not to take things personally . In addition my SW Manager replied to my email and suggested getting the Housing Officer to visit and explain the realisation of having your own place and how she could support herself!


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Sorry, just a quickie as im off to bed...I did reply yesterday too but it wouldn’t post so I cut and pasted it elsewhere so will try again after posting this. You might need to check this out but I’m pretty sure that if your daughter is making herself intentionally homeless she won’t be eligible to be accommodated without the support of a SW or similar. I don’t think any young people grasp what living out of home and supporting yourself will be like...the only bit they hear is ‘flat of your own’ ‘no rules’ and what sounds like a vast sum of money in benefits to spend on make up and treats because there’s no concept of what ever else needs to be paid. The reality would only set it when it got too late...if it was to get that far. In my experience the typical reaction from a teenager to the ‘you’ll have bills to pay and you won’t have any left over for treats and how do you think you’ll pay it when you don’t have a job’ is usually a retort about a friend of a friend of a friend who got their own flat at 16 and social services paid for it and they got a ruby encrusted toilet seat, a free car to drive to college and an all expenses paid trip to the Seychelles thrown in’ I’m being flippant and I’m not trying to make light of your situation, it’s just they often take it as gospel without the back ground info of this being a vulnerable teenager (usually a care leaver) who’s trying to convince the world (and themselves) of how happy they are so they exaggerate wildly about what they’ve got and throw parties out of loneliness and their inability to form healthy friendships without the USP of having their own flat to party in...word spreads about this cool system where anyone can get their own flat when they turn 16. Does that make sense? Sadly you will have to be the baddie who keeps putting their foot down. (I’m sure this isn’t the first time) which is frankly exhausting and draining.


I hope things calm down soon xx


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This is what I posted yesterday...not sure how relevant it is since your last update.


Aaaaaah, that completely makes sense...they won’t have the same experiences of dealing with this as a CPSW...I was worrying as I’d assumed it was a safeguarding team!


Something also to bear in mind is when your daughter is allocated a CSE worker they might not share info from sessions with you...something that bothers me and I always bring up at any CSE events, trainings, briefings etc is that I feel it’s risky keeping things confidential from parents. My argument is that parents are the strongest and most sustainable protective factor with the biggest investment in the child...they should be included in everything around information sharing even if it does make it hard work to anonymise, in my opinion. Safety should always trump privacy...I think adolescents should evidence they can handle privacy safely before it is bestowed. I don’t necessarily feel it should be a given if kids are at risk. Unfortunately this doesn’t seem to be a shared view so some parents feel a bit in the dark about what’s actually said in sessions. Our CSE team has a link worker to liaise with parents, but I think parents should be more involved.


Looks like you were up until the wee small hours...won’t say I hope you’re okay, feels a bit inadequate but I hope you manage today okay. Xx


Hang in their, you are your daughters biggest protective factor...look after yourself...remember to eat, sleep/rest if sleep is beyond your grasp right now, , breathe and keep putting one foot in front of the other... just the basic self care stuff if you can. Xx


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Oh, sorry, it did post yesterday, although some of it was missing from the first attempt .sorry to spam!


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Hi Camcam, apologies as I haven't been on the boards for a while. We adopted our daughter at 5 3/4 and she left home earlier this year. She is loving life at the minute as with the help of the councils homeless department we managed to get her on a scheme with supported living. The flat is nice, we have got her all the bits she needs for it and she shares with another girl who is on the scheme. Yhey have locks on their bedroom doors for privacy. However she came for lunch today and then I took her round to see her grandparents (who are still really upset) and took her on a food shop. I helped her unpack it at the flat and their was a strange smell which she pointed out as being drugs. The are dealing in several flats near by she informed me, understandably I am worried and at a loss why she would put her self in this position after the nightmare start she had in life ...

I know how distressing this is for you but talk to the council where you live, my daughter kept telling me she hated living with us and nothing any of us could of done would have stopped her. It's not the life I would want and feel sad looking back at pics of our beautiful little girl that she didn't want the opportunities we gave her, but I have accepted I can't make her live a life she doesn't want and that she does in her own way love us as much as she's capable of.

She believes she is independent but actually she's claiming benefits and her dad and I have been buying her food and paying her phone and Internet. We have had to pay off pay day loans and bank charges too many times so trying to get her to understand finances a bit more.

I hope your ok as I know it's taking me months to stop feeling sick and being so upset and it was down to my two sons that I had to sort myself out as they were concerned I was making myself ill. They have been brilliant, they have been furious with her and told her they love her but not liking her behaviour but at the same time picking her up and taking her out for meals when I'm busy.

Pm if you want to chat .. big hugs xxx


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Hi Camcam, apologies as I haven't been on the boards for a while. We adopted our daughter at 5 3/4 and she left home earlier this year. She is loving life at the minute as with the help of the councils homeless department we managed to get her on a scheme with supported living. The flat is nice, we have got her all the bits she needs for it and she shares with another girl who is on the scheme. Yhey have locks on their bedroom doors for privacy. However she came for lunch today and then I took her round to see her grandparents (who are still really upset) and took her on a food shop. I helped her unpack it at the flat and their was a strange smell which she pointed out as being drugs. The are dealing in several flats near by she informed me, understandably I am worried and at a loss why she would put her self in this position after the nightmare start she had in life ...

I know how distressing this is for you but talk to the council where you live, my daughter kept telling me she hated living with us and nothing any of us could of done would have stopped her. It's not the life I would want and feel sad looking back at pics of our beautiful little girl that she didn't want the opportunities we gave her, but I have accepted I can't make her live a life she doesn't want and that she does in her own way love us as much as she's capable of.

She believes she is independent but actually she's claiming benefits and her dad and I have been buying her food and paying her phone and Internet. We have had to pay off pay day loans and bank charges too many times so trying to get her to understand finances a bit more.

I hope your ok as I know it's taking me months to stop feeling sick and being so upset and it was down to my two sons that I had to sort myself out as they were concerned I was making myself ill. They have been brilliant, they have been furious with her and told her they love her but not liking her behaviour but at the same time picking her up and taking her out for meals when I'm busy.

Pm if you want to chat .. big hugs xxx


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