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Refuse SW to contact ex and family?

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We're in the process of my husband adopting my children from my first marriage. Their biological father passed away last September (we were divorced). Our allocated SW is still a student and says hardky anyone on the team has dealt with a case like ours.


She said she might want to cantact the girls' biological father's family, meaning their grandad and two aunties. The problem is that these people hate my guts. They 'helped' my ex look after them, and we found out later the children suffered significant emotional abuse from them. After his death they refused to let the children return to me and tried keeping them with them, not sending them to school, refusing to hand over their passports etc. Very toxic people. Uncooperative towards Social Services and police. I gave our SW the contact details of the SW who handled the case at the time and who has dealt with these people personally. I'm very much in favour of her contacting this lady. But I'm inclined to refuse contacting the family themselves. I'm quite confident the SW who dealt with them will back this up. We really want this adoption to happen. But our main objective is to keep our family safe, and by making contacts with these people we would jeopardise that. I'm not willing to take that chance.


Also the SW asked for permission to contact my husband's ex gf. I'm not really sure why, and I'm note sure the SW really knows herself. They weren't married, and didn't have (or cared for) any children together. They broke up in 2013 and haven't had any contact since. Hubby is refusing to give permission to contact her.


Would these things count against us?


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I have no experience of the first bit but your approach sounds reasonable to me.

Re; the ex girlfriend I don't see why they'd need to contact her. My ex husband (no children) was not contacted.


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Its hard - I don't have direct experience either - but just a suggestion - if you both refuse from both sides that might ring alarm bells for them. I guess even without children - they might want to check re domestic violence drinking , drug use etc? But I have read many posts where ex has not been contacted - sometimes they do not have contact details - sometimes they have good reasons - I would think the situation with the children would qualify for having good reasons not to contact family especially as you're willing to have them contact SWs and assuming there is no order in place giving them any sort of parental responsibility. If your husband can also explain why he doesn't want this and has no contact details that may be fine - you could ring AUK for advice regarding your particular situation as it is unusual and if SWs have no experience of similar


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I agree with Safia - be tactical. I would say to your student something along the lines of 'because this is so unusual I'd really like someone with a bit more experience to deal with this, or at least have a lot of input'. Be honest abut what the family was like. SWs can see through people like this. Rather than say calm to the SW, suggest that if these people are uncooperative the SW could be contacted. That way you are the helpful one, and they are who they are. Best of luck. x


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The main think about the family is that I'm scared they'll go to court themselves. I already spent two years of my life proving my rights as their mother (and the girls' right to be brought up by a parent) because it got challenged by them over and over again. No good reasons, and I was proven in the right each time of course, but I'm so so tired having to defend my position as a parent of the children I gave birth to. It's causing me a lot of stress and anxiety, I'm still getting therapy because for the last year I have nightmares nearly every night that someone steals my children. It's the case of 'it never should have happened, but it did' and I do not want these people to get even a sniff of a chance to get their foot between the door because I know they'll jump on it.

The SW isn't even sure they'll need to be contacted, I wish she hadn't told me untill she was sure it had to be done.

Regarding the ex, I might ask if it's really mandatory. We have no idea where she lives or how to contact her.


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SW contacted my ex despite us never having had children and having been apart for a long time - I think I would advise allowing that to avoid arousing suspicions - SW are quite used to exes being exes for a reason! However, I would stick to your guns on the father's family and give them the SW details to confirm your story before they make a decision on contacting his family.


Do look as though you are being as cooperative as you can be....sadly they have all the power at the moment.


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I can't see why past relationships are a necessity, I've only had brief relationships and I don't see any of them anymore and in fact I don't know where they live or their telephone number Haha


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Any significant former partners of some longevity, co habitation, marriage or children should be contacted.

Not ALL former brief relationships but any that lasted a decent length of time.

This is why.
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2001/oct/24/adoptionandfostering.ado...


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I can totally understand that Midge, they're evil a lot of people. The vast majority who go to adopt have a lot of love to give etc... but then you get these few monsters that make things harder for people.


This is an example of abuse from adopters, hope they get their arse beaten in Prison not that I promote or condone violence but they deserve the karma!!!


http://poundpuplegacy.org/node/20813


I can't read it all, it's too horrendous for me!!!


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Hi no direct experience but I would also urge you to box clever & play the game fir the moment


Could you email your old SW (copy in new SW) explaining why you are reticent for any contact with your ex husbands father. You understand why these investigations have to made and could old SW confirm how bad things were.


Something like that.


The old sw is not going to publicly goes against your new sw


Finally I would strongly advise contacting perhaps adoption uk or another charitable organizations that can give you "text book"' advice


Appear at least to co operate


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Hi no direct experience but I would also urge you to box clever & play the game fir the moment


Could you email your old SW (copy in new SW) explaining why you are reticent for any contact with your ex husbands familyr. You understand why these investigations have to made and could old SW confirm how bad things were.


Something like that.


The old sw is not going to publicly goes against your new sw


Finally I would strongly advise contacting perhaps adoption uk or another charitable organizations that can give you "text book"' advice


Appear at least to co operate


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