the reality of single adoption

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I like to know the reality of being a single adopter all stuff books don't tell you but you can read in adoption uk form one person lost everything marriage,home,job and when you have others on form saying this is not un common for me that's scary stuff!

I always wanted to adopt a child but all negative stuff has to be listen to as well it scary me.

I don't have any children of my own not meet right person and to be honest don't have Desiree to have my own so many needing children out there. Just worried I won't.be able to manage when/if it does all fall apart

Is there any single adopters who now have been though this have older children pls can u share your experiences and how it was on day one till now good and bad. Thank you

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I'm a single adopter. My girls (5) have been home just over 12 months now.

I know lots of people have a tough journey, but for me it's simply the best thing I've ever done and so far, much much easier than I expected it to be.

I'm a company director. I took a break of around 4 weeks when they first moved and then began doing small bits when they were in bed.

When they started school in September I went back to work 9.30-2.30 each day so I can fit the school run in.

I'm looking that my parents and brother and really supportive. Each Saturday AM they go to their house so I get a couple of me hours.

Both girls have global development delay and additional needs, but they are amazing- definitely the perfect match.

Happy to answer any questions, feel free to PM me.

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Thanks smile I will do soon as have lots questions what area u in?

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being a parent is hard, being a single parent is tough, being an adoptive parent is very tough.

Having a tough time doesnt mean its bad. My son is challenging, not as challenging as some but we have our share of problems. We have achieved a nice life, we do things together, he is becoming independent, doing well at school. We are looking forward to our summer holiday and talking about GCSE options. A lot of our life is very ordinary and average. Some of it isnt ordinary or average.

We had a very hard time in our first year, settled down after adoption order, another very challenging time started aboutvtwo years ago when he started questioning life and why he couldnt live with his birth dad. We are coming out of that now. I am very proud of him.

But its very, very hard work. I would find it very difficult to work full time, so I work three days. Thus gives me two days to catch up on the house stuff, shopping, go to the gym, hairdressers or if I feel like it, do nothing at all.

As long as the bathroom and kitchen arent growing alternative forms of life, and we have clean school uniform and clothes for work, I don't get too wound up about housework. I hoover a few times a week mainly because of cat fluff.

Self care is very important and I make sure I look after myself.

For me the biggest issue about being a single parent is that everything falls on you, its the weight of responsibilty that is most heavy. I have spent this morning with a friend whilst our sons were doing bike training together. They are not adopted but one of hers has ASD and ADHD. They are having problems at school and are considering moving him so we talking about my son's school. Choosing schools is a huge decision. But she will take that information back to her husband, they will visit the school together, make the decision together. I agonised for months on my own about what to do.

Similarly, the emotional stuff. We are having life story work, its been very hard, my son has confronted a lot of very difficult things, my job is to support him, but it all falls to me.

Thats what I find hardest.

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There are positives about being a single adopter (no compromising in terms of how you parent, no having to deal with a partner's issues, feelings around adoption etc) but then I've only known this way of life so have nothing to compare it with. I agree with Serrakunda that the decision-making as my AD gets older and school and health issues crop up is really hard when you don't have anyone to discuss things with. I have a good number of friends with adopted children so I use them a lot as a sounding board. I found the first year very hard work but it has got much better as AD has grown and we've got into a pattern. I still need to ask for help more than I do and that probably stems from being single and so not having to have relied on others. I still haven't quite worked out the perfect response when asked 'where's the daddy!' but that's ok

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The hardest time for me was during introductions. Long days and a daily three hour round trip on your own is exhausting. Also not having someone close to talk about all the emotional changes and feelings is hard but on the up side I have an excellent support network and I talk to them about warts and all so I always had an outlet.

I was also very lucky that the Placing Local Authority provided me with one to one therapeutic support from day one. It was a service for me and not AD but it gave me an outlet to talk about any attachment behavioural issues I had to manage. It was a great reality check in the early days.

Day to day life as a single mum is fine, tiring but fine. My AD is 7. She's been with me 15 months. She went to school after one week and she loves it. She goes to breakfast and after school club. She has a lot of extra curricular activities which she loves and gives me the odd hour or two to relax. She can be clingy and attention seeking but these behaviours have reduced the longer she has been with me. I left her with a babysitter about 7 months into placement and I went on a much needed day out and I manage to get the odd evening out every couple of months. I work full time and I'm doing a part time degree so yes it is possible to have a good life as a single adopter. I'm lucky my AD can entertain herself as long as she knows where I am. We are very honest and open with each other and I think this has also help her to feel settled.

I also agree with the poster above as the only parent AD has no one to play me off against. She also knows the boundaries even though she will try to push it.

It's good you are doing so much research and you are prepared to look at the positives and negatives. It's not easy and I love it when AD goes to bed as I can have my me time but it's also not all doom and gloom.

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Wow MANNY I admire you 100% u work full time on your own? That's amazing its given me some hope not to give up as was feeling bit dugh about all all.

Do u mind me asking what job do u do? Thanks

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I have found it much much harder than I expected! This was partly down to my incredibly naive expectation that things would get easier with time!! School issues have just got harder and harder - and show no sign of easing! Behaviour issues have meant that things like lift sharing and playdates have just not really worked out - which means I have to do all the ferrying to and from everything (including school - because school bus hasn't worked out) - and I do find the hours in the car draining and depressing as I hate driving and it feels such a waste of time. As others have mentioned, the emotional strain is enormous and I underestimated this, in the early days I had great emotional support from my parents but, now that one of them has developed dementia, that support has gone and, even worse, I have to offer a lot of support to them now rather than it being the other way round.

Teenage years have the potential to be a real nightmare when you are on your own - it is hard to stay positive when 100% of those you share your household with think you are useless!

I don't regret it ... but the toll on my physical and emotional health has been huge. I don't work - though I have done on and off throughout the ten years or so that I have been a parent. I have become deeply unreliable though - and I hate this - because I have to be available all the time to drop everything. Financially we manage on benefits and the odd handout from my parents (again I hate this but what other options are there.)

I often wonder if I was really cut out for it all, especially when I see other families making it all look so easy with their kind, respectful, happy, loving children (!) - but the deed is done and so we struggle on!

We are not a horror story - but definitely not a fairy tale either.

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Thank u for sharing

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