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New here and hoping to adopt in the next two years...

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Hello everyone,


We are new here and after reading on the forum for the last couple of days, we have already learned a lot.


Me (33yo) and my husband (43yo) already have two birth daughters age 9 and 12. Back then, when we decided to have a second child, we had a hard time withtwo difficult miscarriages after the 12 week point, followed by a high risk pregnancy. After that, we decided that we wouldn't want to go through that again and any other child joining our family would come through adoption.

But we knew we wanted to wait until our daughters were older and my husband finished his service in the armed forces.

That time is approaching now and he will be out in summer 2017 and the subject of adoption is coming up more frequently. We are currently in the process of buying a 3 bedroom house, that also has an attic room which we want to convert into another bedroom.

So by the time we are realistically looking at starting the process, our daughters would be 10/13 maybe even 11/14 years old...We mentioned the possibility of adding to our family through adoption to them yesterday and they seemed to like the idea of a little brother, even after explaining that it might be stressful and hard work. They are very independent girls.


Has anyone got experience adopting in the Derbyshire area?

Or any ex military members with experience? (Is the ex military background a problem?)

Can anyone share experiences who had birth children the same age as us when adopting?


Sorry for the long post and thank you for all the help Smile


Daniela


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37 users have supported this.

I wanted to reply as I see you haven't had any so far. No experience of military - although I have seen posts where people have (as far as I can remember) In any case your husband will have left the armed forces. They will probably want him to be settled into something else though (ideally) or at least have concrete plans in place. When we adopted our 2 (toddlers) our elder daughters were 20 and 14. They were very keen - one more so than the other. It was harder for the younger one as our 2 were very demanding and needy children (as a lot of them are) and although reasonably independent and settled our youngest missed out as we couldn't visit her at university or do other age appropriate things as much as some parents did. However no-one's life is ideal and there are many things that affect your children's lives - some of which you can control and some which you can't. Our older daughter found it easier as AD regarded her as another adult in the home whereas she regarded our younger daughter as another child and therefore a threat in some way (even though she had several teenagers in the foster family) and would say things like "go away" "out out out" when BD got home from school which was very difficult for her. BD wrote her GCSE English paper on her feelings regarding the adoption and got a really good grade - so not all negative! They (ACs) have nephews and a niece now too and other adults they can talk too if necessary - as well as good role models! Older birth children are often regarded as an advantage - especially teenage ones - but as with younger children you just need to look out for their needs too. I think there's more in the way of preparation done now than there used to be too (which was minimal) by SWs and that is good as they need space to consider their feelings and develop their understanding of what is happening too. Anyway I think you have thought things through very carefully and seem to be preparing positively so I would go for it! All the best!


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38 users have supported this.

Thank you for your reply! The only thing I really worry about is the fact that we won't have much family around as support. My husbands sister will be close by with her partner and children, but that's about it. I am originally from Germany and my family are all over there.


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5Be the first user to support this

Not having family close by isn't necessarily a deal breaker. I am a single adopter with no family closer than 150 miles. But I am estsblished in my community, have a small but very long standing group of friends.


Support comes in many forms, practical, emotional, moral. Having someone on the end of the phone to talk to can be just as valuable. It sounds like you will have time to put down some roots, make new friends. Your support will come from many sources. My sons SWs were very taken by the fact that my neighbour is a nurse, we aren't 'friends' as such but what I would call good neighbours. Forums like this are also a valuable form of support, nearer the time you may be able to link into an adopters group where you live.


It's also helpful to show that you aren't afraid of asking for support, that you know where to go for help if needed.


So yes, be aware that you will be questioned about your support network, but have it in mind as you move forward, you have time to develop that.

Good luck


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35 users have supported this.

I know that Adoption UK does/did have links with SSAFA. At one time, AUK set up/ran a closed site for SSAFA but I don't know if that's still the case.


Perhaps you could ring the Adoption UK Helpline and find out how you might make contact with military families and the whole network?


Hope all goes well for you both.


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51 users have supported this.

Thank you all for your replies!

Having lived the armed forces life, I am quite used to not having the family support network nearby but know that I can count on them over the phone and hopefully it won't take to long to build up a network in the area we are moving to.


While reading on this forum, I have realised that patenting an adoptive child seems a lot different from parenting birth children and that a lot of the children have behavioural issues, which can range in their intensity. That doesn't put me off (I'm working at a primary school supervising their SEN children over lunchtime) but I was wondering if anyone could point to a webpage or book where I could get some more information about the different behavioural issues that can be expected?


I will also get intouch with SSAFA to see if they can provide some information.


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35 users have supported this.

Hi there

My biggest advice is too do as much research as possible. Look on first4adoption web site too. Read the forums, watch you tube clips (Bryan Post, Dan Hughes) etc, etc.

We adopted our daughter 3 years ago, I am also adopted, so have lived with adoption all my life. I love her with all my heart, but it has been bloody hard work and a real rollercoaster. I don't regret adopting her at all as she is great, however the impact of her early life has been incredibly hard.

You must be prepared to fight for your child, never rest on your laurels and be prepared to parent different.

Can you join your local Auk group once you have moved so you will have a support network and learn from other adopters?

Good luck

x


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38 users have supported this.