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Needing strength like never before

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Well the day has finally come - and my AD finally moves out at the age of 28. She came to us at 2 with a horrendous history and has been left with physical, emotional and learning issues (think combination of dyspraxia/ASD/sensory integration and attachment issues) which leave her vulnerable in many ways but unfortunately doesn't fall into any convenient pigeon hole which has offered support of course. So we have picked our way on our own for the most part (buoyed up by the support of many here over the years) despite allegations, running away and self harm of various sorts and despite years of direct contact with bm and grandparents (which had its benefits I might add as well as challenges), a longing to reconnect again as an adult has been rekindled via social media of late - without the safeguards we could maintain for her as she was an adult - unfortunately resulting in very negative impacts on her emotional health - but like a moth to a flame she has been drawn to that chaos which has impacted greatly on us too whilst she worked out her issues.


However the child that every else said would never amount to much


Managed to finish school and get some GCSE's and go on to college

Has held down a job first part time as a Saturday girl and then full time since 16 surviving several redundancy scares, relocations and loss of supportive managers - incredibly tough for someone who struggles with change

Learned to drive

Is now just beginning to make relationships with work colleagues into something more

Has had to deal up close with the very recent death of a significant adult in her life - her beloved Grandad


And with our support (when her emotional swings let us that is) she has found a little private rental place ten minutes away to take another step into independence - it will be a real struggle financially and that has just dawned on her despite trying to help her understand that budgets don't stretch to infinity - to her credit at the last hour she has found a few hours extra work every night that means she has a little more breathing space come rent day.


We don't know how things will work out - we do fear that despite our best efforts she will drift back to the chaos of birth family as that is just easier and at least in her head it is somewhere she might belong again (the reality is far from that sadly) and what our ds has eventually done in his later years albeit we do still see or hear from time to time - though much less so these days and although they have a trauma bond that has never gone away - it is a draw for her (more so than for him).


And tomorrow morning we will sadly have to say another goodbye - to our beloved dog who at 14 needs to cross the Rainbow bridge. The timing is awful not least in that he arrived after the loss of our last dog which occurred when DS moved on and has been a real comfort to her and us. She knows he is on borrowed time but not yet about tomorrow as she is so preoccupied with moving out today.


We have lost so many friends and family of late - I guess the time of our lives - but already feeling completely bereft and struggling to keep upright as all the losses seem to be colliding right now and my natural optimism has deserted me for once.


Well off to see if my little boy will manage a short walk today.


Mx


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((((((((()))))))))) gentle hugs to you and Mr M.


I too know about losses its been a tough 13 months for the calendar camp, but we are still standing.


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Sending warm support

Well done for all you've done for dd and ds for that matter. Really so amazed she's in any way done any 'normal' life at all

All that goodness you put in won't be waste. It's in her somewhere.


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Thinking of you and your doggy too xx


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Dearest Mayan


When I came on here many years ago, it was you, probably you more than anyone, who reached out to me and have given so much to many of us "old timers" over the years.


You've catalogued on here just how much your daughter needed you and DH and the fact that she has overcome so many obstacles is a testament to her, certainly, and to you two, most definitely.


I think of you often and I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.


Thank you for all you've given to other adopters.


Warmest and gentlest hugs.


X


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oh bless you Mayan


Your daughter has achieved so much, you have given her your all, its up to her now


I hope you enjoy a few more precious moments with your dog.


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Thank you all so very much for your posts - Dh and I feel so very alone with all of this and your thoughts and kind words are hugely helpful. Dh is still reeling from losing his Dad in really difficult circumstances, has just returned from work and didn't sleep last night as he's in pieces about the dog and Dd - and now has just gone to help her move in - she's taken some things of her Grandad to help her settle in and left me a note of things she'd like if something happens to her (which has left me in even smaller pieces) .

My little boy managed his walk and some food and is sunning himself in the garden amongst the daffs And managed to do a little digging as is his passion - another plant biting the dust. The weather has been grey all day and he has been fed up not to get in his garden so the lovely sunshine at this time is a particular blessing as he is curled up snoozing very peacefully.

I know we just have to keep going and I know from all of your posts that you too are all muddling your way through incredibly difficult and painful times too - huge thanks for just being there when no one else would even begin to understand and for staying the distance.


Love and strength to all

Mx


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That sounds very hard, with so much happening simultaneously. You have given so much to your adopted son and daughter and I don't believe that any of that will be wasted. You have also given great support to other adopters, of whom I am a beneficiary so thank-you. I hope your daughter settles in begins to see how much you have helped her. She has been with you much longer than your son, so you may well find she stays closer. I hope so.


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As others have said your wisdom and warmth and willingness to share both the joys and the struggles have strengthened many who have read them

Today you need to let others prop you up. We may be distant to you You may be a user name to us but you and your dh have enabled your daughter to become independent and to know she is loved. Let us support you. Keep postiing . There are a lot of us out here who care


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just hugs coming your way.

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))


Johanna x


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Thank you all once again for your very supportive comments and cyber hugs - all very deeply appreciated.


Well a week on our dd is in her little studio flat - she went as planned last Wednesday - a far better leaving than our ds and as expected more of a lingering whimper after all the angst of the last few years. She returned next day as it was her day off and we had a little walk with the dog (he didn't manage far) and then we sat quietly with him and a cup of tea in the garden whilst he enjoyed the sunshine snuggled in his bed.


We'd expected our usual bluff (but lovely) vet and I'd steeled myself for his no nonsense approach but we had a different one who was very tender and clearly affected by what needed doing - and actually I was more worried about her and dh and of course my little boy. It was incredibly swift and calm and we returned home to our dd who had penned her words for him in our absence as we had said it was likely this was it. She wanted to carry him in to his little bed, held him and stroked him and even sang a lullaby to him and we all spent time with him showering him in our tears quite openly. In those moments he gave us parting gifts - firstly she said she lost her anxiety about dead things (despite the loss of various hamsters, rabbits, cats etc - she'd missed the last dog's passing due also to his old age as she was at cadet camp) - and secondly her hot tears - so many times she has only managed to squeeze out one tear hanging on an eyelash together with an anguished face and a cry that never came swiftly followed by a fleeting smile as she struggled with authentic emotion.. Even at her grandfathers funeral she had said she wanted to cry but the tears just wouldn't come out much to her further distress. Finally we laid our boy under the spring blossom in a lovely sunny spot with all our other four legged family members. We struggled with dinner that night and she decided she'd like to stay the night and we all cuddled up and watched some mindless tv. She went to work next day and told a colleague she'd lost her dog but carried on with the business of the day - probably a good thing as I think we just felt shattered by trying to keep ourselves in as calm a place as possible. She returned at the weekend to do some washing and ironing whilst we made ourselves scarce at some friends (unfortunately one of whom seriously ill and whose little girl is having a really hard time dealing with her dads illness and taking it out on her mum). Easter Sunday morning was spent putting up cupboards in her new place before she went off to meet some work colleagues for Easter lunch at another work colleagues and Dh and I were happy to finally be off duty and flump with our various emotions whilst she was doing something so normal. Dd is back to help make dinner tonight and is stopping over whilst we head out early to the coast to do some photography. Her learning over the past few days - that her difficult behaviour and autistic inertia a result of fear on her part and now she feels more confident. A second job to look forward to (delays starting causing her financial worry and frustration but her autistic rigidness is coping with that) and new people and new challenges not least a new way of being and reflective too. Don't know what the future will bring I can't see past one day at a time right now but know in my heart she has to do this to learn to manage without us and tread a fine lane with her bfamily. Interestingly ds absent since the funeral has rung asking to come over and where she is living ...but dd has asked me not to tell him or her bfamily so we will see what happens on that front.


whilst I do miss dd the difference between when she is here and her being out of the house is immeasurable - the house feels different - missing its soul because of the dog but no eggshell tension for us all and particularly for me. A different way of being for dh and I too in the days to come - a new rhythm required especially with losing my little drum major who directed my every waking moment with his canine conversations and his habit of dancing on my papers in my office if I was five minutes overdue on his walks,, playtime etc but feeling grateful to have got this far and though bowed and battered - with your support - still standing.


my first morning with no rush to meetings or pressing work so time to start to gather my thoughts and take my own first steps along a new path. Have just booked myself on a butterfly safari ...and I guess in time ....maybe just maybe .... we will risk our hearts to another four legged companion.


Love and strength to you all always


Mxx


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Wishing you and your family all the best and very best of luck to your AD with the flat and her work.

Hoping the rest of the year brings peace and comfort to you all.


Johanna x


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Thanks Johanna - we've come a long long way - maybe not out of the woods but a clearing for now.


Love and hugs to you and yours too.


Mx


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Just remembered this quote and for brevity paraphrasing for now


"A good friend is like a bra - supportive and uplifting and always close to your heart"


To friends and cyber friends who have got us thus far across the years and across the miles - you are always close to my heart and when dd and I are in the kitchen tonight I will be raising a very large glass of red to you all.


Much love


Mxx


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OH MAYAN sending many hugs


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you write so beautifully about your doggy friend. You gave him a good life and a good ending, and he has given you so much in return.


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Mayan, I've been thinking of you.

Gentle hugs, dear friend xxx


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