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Hi


My wife and i have been approved coming up 2 years. Been together 8 years married for 2 of them


We have a internal linking meeting a week on tuesday and if we get a yes then we will be heading down south to meet LOs FC.

Matching panel is in november and inteos december.


We dont know what to have LO call us. He will be 13mths old when he comes to us. We know there is names like mammy, mama etc but not sure what to use. Any ideas from anyone?


Thanks x


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25 users have supported this.

We opted for 'Mam and Dad' from the outset, as we thought that if we were called anything else, then it would be too hard for everyone to change at a later stage. Worked really well.


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34 users have supported this.

My boys were prepared by SW. She called us Mummy and Daddy and so the boys did from the onset.


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21 users have supported this.

Other gay parents have opted for 'daddy & papa' or 'mummy & mommy or mammy or mama'.

I should add he's unlikely to have enough language for much more than 'mmmm' at first.


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37 users have supported this.

We opted for daddy and da and this choice the children are very happy and comfortable with.Im a bit confused with previous replies ie "mummy and daddy" this for me as a gay couple wouldn't be the names of choice for our children as it will prove to be very confusing not only for the child but also for the child's friends as they grow.Ours are very happy to have two male parents and are actually very proud of it too as their are no other same sex relationships in the school.

I'm sure you will find the answer soon!


Regards Westi


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18 users have supported this.

I imagine a couple of the posters viewed the thread from 'posted today in the forum' links so may not have realise this was posted in an LGBT board.


We are mummy and mama, which works for us.

- they are different enough but both easily recognisable as parent names

- mummy and mum would have morphed to mum and mum anyway

- mummy x and mummy y we felt was too much of a mouthful for the kids and might have ended up being x and y which we didn't want

- We know plenty of mummy and mama's, including 2 other couples at the school, and socially families with daddy and papa's. So they seem like popular choices and it's important to our kids see their family reflected in others.


Our children's SW introduced the names after matching and this was re-enforced by the introductions book that we printed. We got them muddled up a few times in the first few weeks but the kids corrected us...


It's such a personal choice really.


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24 users have supported this.

Thanks everyone, as he is only 11months we will answer whatever word he uses ut later on i think mammy and mama will be the way forward. X


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24 users have supported this.

we are mummy xx and mummy xx.... usually he just calls us both mummy unless he wants one of us in particular then he adds mummy xx....


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42 users have supported this.

Interestingly, we were just asked this during a session with our social worker last night. I think we might go for 'Dad' and 'Pa'


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24 users have supported this.

I made a mistake- I didn't read the thread properly. My cousins are called ma and mummy.


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22 users have supported this.

We have been debating this. Think the options for gay fathers are a bit more difficult... Nothing sounds right.


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29 users have supported this.

Hopefully you will find something that sounds right for you but do remember it's also what feels comfortable with the child/rent as they will ultimately decide what to call you.Ours are very happy to call us daddy and da as are the friends of the kids at school who call me da!

Hope you reach a happy conclusion.


Westi


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27 users have supported this.

As foster carer who has moved on children to adoption, during the preparation we have said " new mummy's or new daddy's "


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23 users have supported this.

just out of curiosity where mummy/mum etc is one of the options what happens when the child becomes older and decides mummy is babyish and wants to resort to mum? it would be easy enough with a mama/da/pop etc option for the other parent, but when mum was chosen from the off for the other parent then you have two mums or two dads at some point. having had two children with the same name for a couple of years this caused untold confusion (and some amusement!) so possibly worth thinking about. i called my parents mummy and daddy until i was in my early teens then shortened it to mum and dad becoz it sounded childish and i was getting teased at school. i still call my dad daddy when i am after something or teasing him though! (he's 84 now and i'm 54, we never stop being our parents 'babies!).


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29 users have supported this.

We are Daddy xxxxxx and Daddy xxx, although three years in, our boys now refer to us both as Daddy, unless they are talking to one of us about the other daddy or they are calling for one of us in particular. It's funny, but generally we know which daddy they mean now anyway. Their friends at school also call us Daddy xxxxxx and Daddy xxx, which always amuses us Smile


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26 users have supported this.

My wife and I will be Mummy and Daddy, as she's butch and doesn't like to be referred to as anything girly like 'mum, auntie', however, the prospected children we have been matched with are two sisters aged 3&5. They are old enough to know that we are not their parents, so will say to them from the beginning to just call us by our first names and then if/when they feel comfortable calling us anything different then we can discuss it Smile


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15 users have supported this.

But you will be their parents !


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17 users have supported this.

If a chid calls you by your first name it does not make you any less of a parent! All the mummy's, mammy's whatever figures in my son's life have been useless and harmfull to him. He has always called me by my first name, and I have never found this a problem. We are 10 years 'in', he was 6 when adopted.

My second child, also 6 at adoption, is different and I forced him to say mum as he used my name with disrespect.


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15 users have supported this.

I wouldn't assume that just because they're a little bit older they won't want to call you mum/mummy. Ours were 5 and 3 when they were placed, and although they called us by our first names for the first few weeks (our foster carer wasn't very supportive) they soon started calling us dad (we're a mixed race couple, so my partner uses the word for dad in his first language) and now they struggle to remember what our first names are (we're 10 months in). We didn't make them, but we did refer to each other as 'dad' all the time and they gradually picked it up.


All children are different and they'll end up calling you what feels right to them, but I think with ours there was a really strong desire to be part of a family and for them 'dad' was an expression of that. Maybe it was also partly about fitting in, and partly about claiming us - when all their friends have a mum/dad maybe they wanted ones to call their own.


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17 users have supported this.

I think from a personal prospective that having your child call you mummy and daddy even though you are a lesbian couple could possibily be damaging to the child In the long term,have you given thought to how confusing this will be to your child as you are at the end of the day a woman and not the man you would like your child to see you as! Our children have so many barriers already without having to deal with our needs/wants.Im so sad that you will tell your children to call you by your first names until they feel comfortable have you given thought to allowing them to decide on what they feel comfortable with? Have you discussed this with your sw?

I do hope all goes well and that you go with what you feel is right but please spare a thought for your prospective children as the most important thing about adoption is the very beginning of your child's journey so guide them carefully at the beginning.


Regards Westi


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I'm afraid I think what the children want to call you and feel comfortable is much more important than your own personal objections to parental names. Was this explored in home study? Your children's needs, and that may include needing to call you both some version of mummy, come first. You are the adults, it's your job to adapt to be the kind of parents they need, not for them to fall in with your needs or personal hang ups.

And they will know you are their parents cos they will be told that that is what they are getting.


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6 users have supported this.

Yes, I have considered the effect it would have. If the children call us both mummy then that would be fine. Whatever they feel comfortable us would be fine. All that matters is that they have an easy transition into our loving home. I just didn't want them to come into this new home and have us force them to call us mum. So that's why I said first names, until the children are comfortable around us. I just want them to be safe and loved, they could call me potato if that's what they desired


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15 users have supported this.

Hi Katie-and-Abby, we also had similar reservations but what caused us to go with Dad and Daddy is the realisation that our child was desperate for a parent and that part of having parents is having someone to call a parental name.


All children are different and forcing name is not great but for us it felt natural. We adopted an older child too btw who remembers old mummy and daddy.


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18 users have supported this.

I asked my 14 year old daughter how she felt about calling me mum when she came to us at 9, even though I wasn't her birth mum. She said it didn't feel weird at all, because I was going to be her mum. I also have a friend who's partner wants to be called by his first name, and she feels her son really struggles with it. He wants to call him dad like everyone else does.


We asked the kids to practice calling us mum and dad when we first met us, and that's how it's been since. However, my teenage daughter gets a lot of fun by shouting 'mother' at me what she wants something.


For what it's worth I think it would be nice to have something warm and affectionate that was definitely about being a parent but gender neutral in this day age. Maybe we need to invent something!


Haven x


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14 users have supported this.

This comes up so frequently and is such a personal choice.


We are mummy x and mummy y. In practice this means that we are both "mummy" or are various cute, childish contractions of our forenames, or are funny nicknames, or are occasionally our forename when a child is feeling particularly bossy. It all varies according to context and no one is ever in any doubt about who is being addressed at any point. The silly names/nicknames reminds me very much of my childhood (with heterosexual birth parents).


I also know lesbian parents whose children have always just used their forenames and never "mummy". The quality of the relationship is not influenced by the word used, as far as I can tell!


Don't let social workers get hung up on it - it would be a non-issue for a hetero couple. They are only names. I know people who've married someone who has the same name as one of their siblings. Unless they're all secretly in therapy and deeply disturbed by it all, it's not the hugest of issues.


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16 users have supported this.

My son has a friend whose dad and 2 older brothers all have the same name (they are a blended family) - they just call them (name) 1 ,2 and 3 - it doesn't affect any of them negatively and is just amusing for others - they could have changed one or other of their names to a nickname or used middle names but decided not too as their names were a strong part of their identity


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16 users have supported this.

Not entirely relevant maybe but just goes to show you can work with anything really


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17 users have supported this.