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Multi-Agency Meeting

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Met with PASW, CAMHS and the CSE Worker basically to make sure everyone is singing from the same hymn sheet. The CSE Worker seemed to take offence that we were saying what we wanted as she has her programme to follow, will not keep secrets and knows how teenagers work! - LOL. I said you may work with various teenagers, but you will never truly understand unless you are living it. She did not seem to get the manipulation which the CAMHS Worker was saying that AD is very very good at playing people of each other and what wound me up was she said "I have read the file" I could of hit her, but obviously didn't. I was just saying to really need to understand the concerns I have. We are now having a Multi-Agency meeting next week.


My AD is now saying to everyone that she wants to be put back into care as I am a "Fxxxing Spineless Bitch. CAMHS are saying that she can't seemed to handle a Peer Relationship as well as a home life and is pushing me away. Obviously I am not going to allow her to go back into care. She is so adamant in putting herself at risk to push me away - (her words) that i have said as an emergency that she needs the safe relationship work. - She is not speaking to me at the moment so I really need this CSE Worker to do her job!


It is killing me.


Does anyone know what happens at this meeting and what happens next or if their child is saying wants to go back into care? Do I need to get Professional advise?


Any advise is much much appreciated. Thank you


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3 users have supported this.

I'm sorry I have no experience of such meetings but just wanted to say I really feel for you and its sounds like you are a really strong person trying so hard for your daughter - keep up the good work - it is so hard - make sure you have help for yourself in all this too


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I do not have knowledge of CSE but I have experience of AD pushing us away and seeking unsafe people in unsafe places. At that time the only agency that had a worker who understood and could give us strength was someone from FIS, family intervention who spoke with my husband and I for a year. She kept us from self blame and made us more clinical in our approach to dire circumstances. It meant that we could keep a little emotional distance and a clearer head for the phone calls to police and follow up meetings with agencies. Our AD wanted to push us into rejecting her and forcing her into care but we held firm and kept insisting that we did not blame her and that we found it hard to watch her being in pain but we would always be here and would always contact the police immediately if she was missing because we loved her. We had to at least be in the controlling seat of alerting the police and other authorities even though she complained bitterly. Good luck with the meeting and write down the key point you want them all to take on board - your daughter is at risk and there must be action to try to keep her safe. I know others post about parenting from a distance and it has worked for them but for our AD I believe it would have sent her further into a downwards spiral. Only you ultimately know what is best for her as you have lived and breathed her pain.


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6 users have supported this.

It just struck me too from the last response that although your daughter is pushing you away it does not mean that she actually wants to be put into care just that she EXPECTS to


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Had meeting with SW & AD this morning to come up plan of action/boundaries and all AD was saying was I want more freedom, come and go as I please, home whenever and I don’t need to know who she is with or when she would be home. Not willing to discuss times. I was - she refused. Not bothered if she is putting herself at risk as long as she is pushing me away she is happy as she keeps telling everyone she wants to go back into care. SW etc have said that is not going to happen as your mum does not want that. In addition she is threatening to say things to siblings who are in separate adoption family to make the feel her pain and not bothered that she may upset them and contact cease. She seems to be pushing everyone away about from this new peer group which she believes “will die for her” - her words.


After meeting I went to Doctors and just broke down and as a consequence been signed off. I was a total mess, but he was very supportive


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((Hugs))


It is so hard when they continually try to push you away. Do keep looking after yourself - having some time off work will be a good thing.


Our AD did the same in her teens and though we kept saying she was with us forever, in the end, she pushed the one button we had no control over - she made allegations against us and was removed.... In many way it was a relief when she left, but sad too. She was unable to live in a family and accept us as her parents - maybe she was too old to placed for adoption at 8, maybe her early experiences were too damaging - I hang on to the fact we did our best for her....as you are doing for your AD. At the moment AD is reconnected with her birth family and I hope she can find happiness there, whilst we concentrate our support on her younger siblings.


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I am glad that you have been signed off. You need to be at this time to steady yourself. The peer group issue will be intense but in the moment, however long the moment lasts. I have learned over time that nothing is set in stone, your AD's mindset appears fixed but it isn't. She will have many stages of grief and her pushing away the people who care the most, is the worst stage. Force yourself to focus on self care. Once, when I was desperate with worry, I went to the hairdresser's for a shampoo but really only wanted the head massage then went to the cinema to have a good cry and a bag of wine gums. I was human again by the time I got home and the police had done their job in the meantime. This is your life too, so do your best to grab any chance for a bit of it.


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Our AD keeps pushing us away. Since returning from FC last Dec after lengthy court case she has been constantly been aggressive (which we thought she will never do), she is a different person, with violence in May to me and recently, more worryingly towards my wife, where she grabbed both her hands up and kneed her in between legs. We reported the first to SS who wrote their usual snooty report and conclude to continue therapy. The second time we had police round and today reported to SS, as yesterday AD was threatening violence again.


Enough is enough, we have said prevention is better than reporting third incident which could be much much worse. The MASH have reported low risk and no further action, but today I have reported AD is not happy being at home and wants to leave, saying she was forced to come back.


AD is now 16, she has done her research, what will SS do? Do we have to make her 'homeless' for there to be action? In our opinion, the risk of violence is there but will they listen to us?....


....we do not want to be in a situation like Bop for AD to do something drastic....it is mutually beneficial for us now to be away from each other as that is what AD wants, but will SS listen, how long will it take?..


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I learned a lot from other adopters who still felt they were parents even when their children couldn’t live with them.


I explored various options, including special needs boarding schools/colleges, but managed to hang on to my son until he went to a mainstream boarding FE college (his dad paid the boarding fees).


While she feels she has a ‘hold’ over you, she may continue to push the boundaries. I found that actually looking for suitable/unsuitable places helped me as my son really struggles to live with me. If this is the case, the longer you try to keep her with you, the harder she may try to break away.


Things aren’t perfect for us, but I now really only get verbal abuse when he’s been seeing his dad (my ex). Whereas before it was escalating into violence/threats of violence so bad I had to call for help on several occasions.


I have maintained my relationship with him despite all the difficulties and it’s me he turns to when he needs help and his dad when he needs money!


Please feel free to ignore this if it’s not helpful, it’s just another strategy you can use/discard.


All the best


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7 users have supported this.

Thank you FIM, please look out for latest on below thread, I managed to speak to our LA Head of Safeguarding yesterday.
https://www.adoptionuk.org/forum-topic/help-pls-our-ad-has-turned-violent


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Cam Cam, I'm wondering at your comment re your daughter wanting to returning to care " obviously Im Not going to". And you say " it's killing me". Why would you not have this as an option? Its a terrible situation to live in for a sustainable amount of time.

Why would you take the verbal abuse constantly from your teenager? I did, for far too long. When my daughter was 13 onwards all she wanted was to go into care where she felt she would have freedom and could do as she liked. We spent the next two years looking for her at all the hours of the night , police bringing her back, etc. She imagined none of this would happen if she was in care. She was right, and it was only long time afterwards that she realised how it felt to have nobody worrying where she was. ( We were, but no longer knowing whether she was in or out)

Things turned out ok in the end, but I couldn't have gone on any longer, and actually her not living with us any longer improved our relationship.


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5 users have supported this.

Each circumstance is different.

Our girls did leave us in the teens for different reasons and both then realised that we were ' family' which they had denied before. We have an SGO for both.

However we never stopped being as involved as we could.

Unless there is a very robust support package and lots of therapy for the family then in my opinion the stresses can cause fractures in the family.

In our case SSD were very rubbishy in their dealings with us ... not reading notes, labelling us for poor parenting, protecting their budgets by not spending on therapy money. We never had a specialised adoption team work with us as we were viewed as non adopters and not understood.

We loved the girls throughout and over time they understood this and realised that we had always worked in their best interests.

It is hard to read that line ...'..It is killing me. ' Please look after yourself in all this mess. Brains grow and develop beyond teenage years till around the age of 25 and even beyond this there can be changes in perception

Multi Agency meetings a!so happened for us . The focus is on the wellbeing of the young person.

Whatever the outcome I hope that you find support.


Johanna x


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Update - I have now eventually had the Multi-Agency Meeting and OMG was it intimidating. Bascially since my last post 23/11/2017 my daughter has gone missing a further 2 times now making the total 6! The reason she is going missing she says as she wants to stay out for as long as she wishes, come and go as she pleases, do nothing around the house and not give a dam what I think. We did have curfew times which she agreed with her times and she stuck by this for approxiumately 2 weeks, but since the new boyfriend - been about 5 weeks now she wants to spend every waking moment with him as he has no parents giving him any guidance. The house he is in is now is due to be repossed and they believed they were going to live with the sister who has said that is NOT happening. He will go to Dads and there is no room for my daughter. She did mention that they may go to Council to say they are homeless. My daughter is not homeless just being extremely cruel towards me. The text messages I received are very nasty. At the Multi-Agency Meeting as I was notified by the Police, they can't forcible bring her back if she refuses, but if she does not let me know where she is, I have to call Police because if I don't, I am neglecting her! I have not seen AD for a week and briefly saw her when we had meeting with Social Worker and she is extremely thin and grey looking - I could of cried and she was physically shaking so I know she is not eating properly. I have organised food vouchers for the days when she is at College (3 days) so at least i know she will be able to get something. She has a little job whereby she gets £20-30 per week. CAMHS have said that I should provide a food parcel box for her and boyfriend! However in another sentence state that this is condoning her living with boyfriend! When I told my Therapist this, she was shocked. It just seems like she is in self destruction mode. I have tried to meet with her and boyfriend and she keeps cancelling. Boyfriend's sister is now getting fed up with my calls and texts as she is in the process of getting legal guardinship for the little brother and has her hands full. His mum does not want to know as he is 18, dad have no details at the moment. If I go to the house they refuse to answer the door. She was asked by SW to make sure she is contacting me twice daily via text to let me know she is safe and she is not doing that. Just this Sunday night I was a second away from calling the Police at 11p.m., when she text. SWs have told me I have to constantly continue to say I love her, which I do via text, but I would just love to hear her voice and see her. However, I am NOT allowed to say she is hurting me and how this is effecting me as I would be shaming her. My Therapist believes this is inorrect as she believes I am close to a breakdown, not been able to say (even though I love her) how this is all effecting me as it has happened so fast (4 months) . It feels like she has just used me over these 8 years! I am looking for legal advise though as to what I can do as I think SW are just hoping to let this drag on for 18 months when she will be 18 and they can say goodbye. It is all AD and not about us as a family. If AD goes to Council and says homeless, how I can stop this as it is obvious both of them can't look after themselves. its been a week and she is looking like a skeleton. What do I do?


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camcam firstly gentle hugs to you (((((()))))) what you cant say to her or what you cant text her then do it here, WE are here for you. OK please get some legal advice, we some time ago were in a similar position with our as, at one time he was living in a tent in a friends garden till the friend left to travel to spain then he came back, he was still under 16, he was not nasty but he did not and could not live with us and our rules, but he eventually did come home (mainly because there was nowhere else to go) but it was hard, he tried we tried he came and went we stuck to our rules we never gave him a key and if he was not up and doing stuff by 9am I nagged and nagged he eventually found a girlfriend and moved in with her after a bit of sofa surfing stuff. I am assuming your dd is over 16 and under 18, she could try going to the council to state she is homeless but they would want proof, also rules are changing about minimum age for tenancy and housing benefits etc so it could be hard, if they do take her on then it would be most likely hotel or b&b now these have very strict rules...no overnight visitors, no visitors under 16, no drugs, no alcohol, no staying out all night....more rules than we all have. Keep on at SW they have had their meeting so what are they going to do about it, at least they have to carry out a risk assessment of where she is staying and its suitability. If she presents herself at SS as homeless they have to do something. Sorry to hear of yet another family going through this, I bet you always worked with education and SS but now you are high and dry and they are just hoping that this will slide till she is an adult...not good enough. Personally everytime she does not come home or text you I would put a call into EDT instead of police, just keep on at them, but I do know how much it takes out of you and the rest of the family, Try to do something nice for you just a little thing, your health and well being is important. As for you DD well sadly a lot of our children have to do this, the leaving home dramatically, the blaming of you for their woes, some come back, all my three left between the ages of 15 and 17, we have a relationship with them all, its very much on their terms but they see us as mum and dad and extended family as family, they are not bothered about birth family unlike a lot of other adoptees, and most of their peers/partners are ok, so really we have come off lightly but it was so hard for so many years with the constant police/YOT/Probation/drug counsellors/PAS/SW/Child protectionchild in need/schools and colleges....phew even typing that is exhausting...none of mine ever got any real therepy it might have helped but we will never know now. Keep sending the text just to say hi or chat about the weather, leave food parcel or voucher at college and if she does not contact via text report to EDT . Glad that you are getting therapy, keep a journal of how its making you feel if you are unable to tell dd. stay strong WE are here for you. xx


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7 users have supported this.

Thank you April Showers. You agree getting legal advice. I presume it would be a family lawyer with Adoption or Looked After Children Skills. The costs is worrying me though?


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you can often get a telephone consultation for free from a good family lawyer, or make an appointment at citizen advice bureau, or ring AUK helpline for more info. I would also if you are not already doing this go back to LA and Post Adoption, they are there to help. xx


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It is Post Adoption SW not been much help so far and for the past 2 years to be honest - thanks AP. I am a member of Potato Group so may also contact them?


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keep on at them, PAS are supposed to help or signpost you to other services. I too am a spud see you there.


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Contact your MP asking for support (http://www.parliament.uk/get-involved/contact-your-mp/)

Meet or Phone with your Police Inspector (local Police Inspector (https://www.police.uk/contact/force-websites/)


Camcam, the LA will not give any consideration whatsoever about how you are feeling as a parent only safeguarding of AD.


Write an e-mail to the LA Head of Safeguarding/Corporate Parenting/Children Services Fieldwork, copy in your MP (http://www.parliament.uk/mps-lords-and-offices/mps/), copy in your local Police Inspector (https://www.police.uk/contact/force-websites/), copy in SW.


Make it absolutely clear you are concerned about your AD welfare and safeguarding and their inaction to provide immediate support has increased the RISK of an incident occurring. You are requesting immediate respite to ensure your AD is safe and ensure she can be kept safe. This may trigger a statutory assessment conducted to ensure AD is safe living with boyfriend. Unfortunately saying you making her 'homeless' is the only way she can get the right immediate support and reassure you she is safe.


This way you are directly laying accountability at the hands of the LA and it is their responsibility to ensure she is safe.


They have weekly panel where they discuss all referrals.


Contact your MP asking for support (http://www.parliament.uk/get-involved/contact-your-mp/)


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Thank you adoptionp. I will look into all the above. I did have to put another missing report in last night as went to collect her and belongings as she text to say coming home, but the reason was because boyfriends mum (drug addict and alcoholic) returned home and said she could not stay so had to leave. However, when I did go to collect her, her boyfriend and another male friend were verbally abusive and trying to intimidate me as saying I was lying reporting her missing and wasting Police's time which is a crime. I did not react (even though i wanted to), just said I was not prepared to discuss that with them. She went to get in car and became very agressive away from friends and slamming car door and got out. Consequently, she did not return and when Police contacted her she refused to come home, but they did give me the address which I have since passed onto SS who are going to (they say) check the two addresses out, but they are 2 difference areas and they don't share information so it is waiting on other areas. I did text to say I was glad that she was safe and that I loved her and wanted to work this out - to which she said I don't care if you know I am safe - you are not blood, only my mum through law. Obviously this upset me, but thought she is only doing this to try and hurt me. I just said I am your mum and love you. SS today and made contct with her, but do not know where she is and she has said she has nowhere to go tonight. they have informed her that she needs to go home and we have given her a time of 10 p.m. and if she does not return, then Police will be informed and she is making herself homeless which is unacceptable. Whilst they were talking to her, she let slip she was not at boyfriend's so with another male and they were in the background saying you have rights and bascially telling her what to say which is not helping matters, but they said that they are making it very clear what SHE should be doing and they will speak to the Police later as the Officer from last night is back on duty from 4 and the missing log will go to him as advise to report as missing so hopefully I do not have to go through the long telephone call. SS commented about how agreessive she was coming across as and is clealry influenced by her so called friends who all seem to think from age 16 they can do as they please?


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