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Multi-Agency Meeting

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Met with PASW, CAMHS and the CSE Worker basically to make sure everyone is singing from the same hymn sheet. The CSE Worker seemed to take offence that we were saying what we wanted as she has her programme to follow, will not keep secrets and knows how teenagers work! - LOL. I said you may work with various teenagers, but you will never truly understand unless you are living it. She did not seem to get the manipulation which the CAMHS Worker was saying that AD is very very good at playing people of each other and what wound me up was she said "I have read the file" I could of hit her, but obviously didn't. I was just saying to really need to understand the concerns I have. We are now having a Multi-Agency meeting next week.


My AD is now saying to everyone that she wants to be put back into care as I am a "Fxxxing Spineless Bitch. CAMHS are saying that she can't seemed to handle a Peer Relationship as well as a home life and is pushing me away. Obviously I am not going to allow her to go back into care. She is so adamant in putting herself at risk to push me away - (her words) that i have said as an emergency that she needs the safe relationship work. - She is not speaking to me at the moment so I really need this CSE Worker to do her job!


It is killing me.


Does anyone know what happens at this meeting and what happens next or if their child is saying wants to go back into care? Do I need to get Professional advise?


Any advise is much much appreciated. Thank you


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I'm sorry I have no experience of such meetings but just wanted to say I really feel for you and its sounds like you are a really strong person trying so hard for your daughter - keep up the good work - it is so hard - make sure you have help for yourself in all this too


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I do not have knowledge of CSE but I have experience of AD pushing us away and seeking unsafe people in unsafe places. At that time the only agency that had a worker who understood and could give us strength was someone from FIS, family intervention who spoke with my husband and I for a year. She kept us from self blame and made us more clinical in our approach to dire circumstances. It meant that we could keep a little emotional distance and a clearer head for the phone calls to police and follow up meetings with agencies. Our AD wanted to push us into rejecting her and forcing her into care but we held firm and kept insisting that we did not blame her and that we found it hard to watch her being in pain but we would always be here and would always contact the police immediately if she was missing because we loved her. We had to at least be in the controlling seat of alerting the police and other authorities even though she complained bitterly. Good luck with the meeting and write down the key point you want them all to take on board - your daughter is at risk and there must be action to try to keep her safe. I know others post about parenting from a distance and it has worked for them but for our AD I believe it would have sent her further into a downwards spiral. Only you ultimately know what is best for her as you have lived and breathed her pain.


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It just struck me too from the last response that although your daughter is pushing you away it does not mean that she actually wants to be put into care just that she EXPECTS to


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Had meeting with SW & AD this morning to come up plan of action/boundaries and all AD was saying was I want more freedom, come and go as I please, home whenever and I don’t need to know who she is with or when she would be home. Not willing to discuss times. I was - she refused. Not bothered if she is putting herself at risk as long as she is pushing me away she is happy as she keeps telling everyone she wants to go back into care. SW etc have said that is not going to happen as your mum does not want that. In addition she is threatening to say things to siblings who are in separate adoption family to make the feel her pain and not bothered that she may upset them and contact cease. She seems to be pushing everyone away about from this new peer group which she believes “will die for her” - her words.


After meeting I went to Doctors and just broke down and as a consequence been signed off. I was a total mess, but he was very supportive


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((Hugs))


It is so hard when they continually try to push you away. Do keep looking after yourself - having some time off work will be a good thing.


Our AD did the same in her teens and though we kept saying she was with us forever, in the end, she pushed the one button we had no control over - she made allegations against us and was removed.... In many way it was a relief when she left, but sad too. She was unable to live in a family and accept us as her parents - maybe she was too old to placed for adoption at 8, maybe her early experiences were too damaging - I hang on to the fact we did our best for her....as you are doing for your AD. At the moment AD is reconnected with her birth family and I hope she can find happiness there, whilst we concentrate our support on her younger siblings.


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I am glad that you have been signed off. You need to be at this time to steady yourself. The peer group issue will be intense but in the moment, however long the moment lasts. I have learned over time that nothing is set in stone, your AD's mindset appears fixed but it isn't. She will have many stages of grief and her pushing away the people who care the most, is the worst stage. Force yourself to focus on self care. Once, when I was desperate with worry, I went to the hairdresser's for a shampoo but really only wanted the head massage then went to the cinema to have a good cry and a bag of wine gums. I was human again by the time I got home and the police had done their job in the meantime. This is your life too, so do your best to grab any chance for a bit of it.


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Our AD keeps pushing us away. Since returning from FC last Dec after lengthy court case she has been constantly been aggressive (which we thought she will never do), she is a different person, with violence in May to me and recently, more worryingly towards my wife, where she grabbed both her hands up and kneed her in between legs. We reported the first to SS who wrote their usual snooty report and conclude to continue therapy. The second time we had police round and today reported to SS, as yesterday AD was threatening violence again.


Enough is enough, we have said prevention is better than reporting third incident which could be much much worse. The MASH have reported low risk and no further action, but today I have reported AD is not happy being at home and wants to leave, saying she was forced to come back.


AD is now 16, she has done her research, what will SS do? Do we have to make her 'homeless' for there to be action? In our opinion, the risk of violence is there but will they listen to us?....


....we do not want to be in a situation like Bop for AD to do something drastic....it is mutually beneficial for us now to be away from each other as that is what AD wants, but will SS listen, how long will it take?..


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I learned a lot from other adopters who still felt they were parents even when their children couldn’t live with them.


I explored various options, including special needs boarding schools/colleges, but managed to hang on to my son until he went to a mainstream boarding FE college (his dad paid the boarding fees).


While she feels she has a ‘hold’ over you, she may continue to push the boundaries. I found that actually looking for suitable/unsuitable places helped me as my son really struggles to live with me. If this is the case, the longer you try to keep her with you, the harder she may try to break away.


Things aren’t perfect for us, but I now really only get verbal abuse when he’s been seeing his dad (my ex). Whereas before it was escalating into violence/threats of violence so bad I had to call for help on several occasions.


I have maintained my relationship with him despite all the difficulties and it’s me he turns to when he needs help and his dad when he needs money!


Please feel free to ignore this if it’s not helpful, it’s just another strategy you can use/discard.


All the best


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Thank you FIM, please look out for latest on below thread, I managed to speak to our LA Head of Safeguarding yesterday.
https://www.adoptionuk.org/forum-topic/help-pls-our-ad-has-turned-violent


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Cam Cam, I'm wondering at your comment re your daughter wanting to returning to care " obviously Im Not going to". And you say " it's killing me". Why would you not have this as an option? Its a terrible situation to live in for a sustainable amount of time.

Why would you take the verbal abuse constantly from your teenager? I did, for far too long. When my daughter was 13 onwards all she wanted was to go into care where she felt she would have freedom and could do as she liked. We spent the next two years looking for her at all the hours of the night , police bringing her back, etc. She imagined none of this would happen if she was in care. She was right, and it was only long time afterwards that she realised how it felt to have nobody worrying where she was. ( We were, but no longer knowing whether she was in or out)

Things turned out ok in the end, but I couldn't have gone on any longer, and actually her not living with us any longer improved our relationship.


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Each circumstance is different.

Our girls did leave us in the teens for different reasons and both then realised that we were ' family' which they had denied before. We have an SGO for both.

However we never stopped being as involved as we could.

Unless there is a very robust support package and lots of therapy for the family then in my opinion the stresses can cause fractures in the family.

In our case SSD were very rubbishy in their dealings with us ... not reading notes, labelling us for poor parenting, protecting their budgets by not spending on therapy money. We never had a specialised adoption team work with us as we were viewed as non adopters and not understood.

We loved the girls throughout and over time they understood this and realised that we had always worked in their best interests.

It is hard to read that line ...'..It is killing me. ' Please look after yourself in all this mess. Brains grow and develop beyond teenage years till around the age of 25 and even beyond this there can be changes in perception

Multi Agency meetings a!so happened for us . The focus is on the wellbeing of the young person.

Whatever the outcome I hope that you find support.


Johanna x


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