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Husband undecided

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Hi


We are approved adoptors and temporary foster carers, with an EPP 7 month old child with us since 2 months old.


We have both bonded and our birth child very much so. However my husband is now seeming to pull away from baby and is unsure if he wants to apply for the adoption order.


We have been matched and have the planning meeting soon, with a plan for the adoption order within the next two months being applied for.


He feels his existing long term health conditions mean he cannot provide the life for the baby and that it will be a struggle to be the stay at home dad. We have discussed me giving up work if things become bad and how we can financially manage things.


I'm unsure but feel he may be depressed but he doesn't want to speak to anyone about it.


He's saying too himself he has a week to decide weather he wants to adopt or not and has also voiced saying to the SW's about delaying the adoption order until he's had more time.


I can see things from his point of view and very much so simpathise with him however I've got no one to talk to about how I feel. I can't talk to SW as we've had experience of them saying they will take child back if issues, friends are abit far away emotionally and close family are so invested I don't want to worry them.


I see our baby as ours already and it would be like giving up our birth child if the baby went back. I have even thought about options of separation from husband and single adopting. I don't want to do this but I can't see my future without our baby.


Any support grately received.


Thanks


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5 users have supported this.

Dear DT2 what an awful dilemma

I assume as you are already approved to adopt you both decided this is what you wanted and because of this you have invested emotionally in your little one. As your DH health issues are long term surely this was discussed before you decided to get approved.

Your DH may be depressed and is suddenly overwhelmed faced with the future of caring for LO with uncertain needs for a long time but you need to talk to each other about any fears. Mostly you need to tell him how much you love LO and how devastated you are at the thought of losing LO.

Honestly do not have personal experience of this because luckily my DH and I love our LO equally despite almost daily challenges

Sending hugs x


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11 users have supported this.

I think you need to tell your DH how you feel too - it is not just about him - if he realises the relationship itself may be at risk he may see things differently. Could you go to counselling together? I realise the time is short but maybe you could get an emergency appointment or see someone privately. This is too important for you just to go along with whatever he thinks he wants - both of you need to work out what you really want and be completely honest with each other. As said above these issues are not new - his health condition is long term and you went through the adoption process together - so what is it that has changed I wonder?


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8 users have supported this.

What's changed in the past 5 months? Presumably his health issues are just the same?


Has he bonded with the baby? Has the realization that this is different to having a birth child dawned on him? His health issues are going to have the same effect on his birth child as they will on an adopted child so why is he concerned about the one but not the other?


How old is your birth child?


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11 users have supported this.

It sounds to me that the issue is not the baby but the relationship. I think you need to get the priorities right and that is working on your relationship first, you have a child together and in my option you should do what you can to save the relationship. Adopting on your own is not a possibility straight now as you have I pressume never lived alone with your daughter, and so are not a single adopter. If you divorce than this becomes a possibility ofcourse, but only after time to adjust I pressume. I think you need to discuss this with your sw, and delay if they allow this. Ofcourse there is the possibility they remove the child but this risk stays as long as the adoption order has not passed through. Can you 'keep up appearances' for another three months? If your husband decide he does not want to adopt it will not happen either and the child will move.

To make this work your husband needs to investigate or it's depression and what's going on. You two need probably councelling to make the relationship stronger and learn to communicate better. If you have organised that the sw can see you are working hard on the issues and might give you some time.

It is a tricky situation and I hope you have an understanding sw. Maybe write things down in a letter, this gives time to reflect.


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6 users have supported this.

Others have given really good advice, and probably you know in yourself that you need to address things with your husband more than is already happening. If the child has life long medical needs, it's maybe not surprising that your husband is having some 'pre-wedding jitters'. But he also needs to address them. I definitely think some joint counselling is a good idea, as is making sure he understands how difficult this is for you.


best of luck - it is so tricky.

hx


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6 users have supported this.

Just to clarify - is it the baby or husband who has health issues?


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5 users have supported this.

Ah yes - Donatella - I might have read that wrong!


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6 users have supported this.

It's husband who has long term condition for definite. Baby may have but unsure at this time. Thanks for all your replies. Things have seemed to improve the last few days and we are talking more and looking at ways forward.


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3 users have supported this.

I really feel for you and it is very difficult I can see. I can not add anything on the advice above. I just wanted to say that I am not sure that you could go ahead applying to adopt on your own as you have been approved as a couple & therefore the LO might be removed then. Others may know better ...but this is my impression anyway. I hope things clear and you find the best solution for all four of you. Sending hugs...


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6 users have supported this.