I dont really know what to say and this is my third attempt at writing something. I guess I am hoping that someone can let me know that how I am feeling is normal and that it will get easier.
Our middle-ad went back into care two weeks ago today. She has been very brave and her lasts words,to me were 'don't cry mummy, you did your best'.
Our decision was not easy and after almost 9 long years, we had tried endlessly to make a difference to her life. Unfortunately it wasn't meant to be as she seems so damaged that all the love we gave her was never going to be enough.
Now I am left feeling that a part of me is missing, my heart aches, I cry non-stop, I cannot get myself motivated to do anything.everything I see reminds me of her and I miss her like crazy. Yet turn the clock back 3 weeks and for the last 9 years when she has been unmanageable., everyone screaming and shouting, missiles coming at you from every direction, everyone treading on eggshells around her and worried that she would seriously hurt herself or her sisters. Always sleeping with one eye open! I don't miss that, instead I enjoy the peace and calmness about the house. But I do feel heartbroken, she is still the last person I think of before I sleep and the first when I wake, but for didferent reasons now. All those years of hating the behaviour, the love I felt got lost in it all too and I feel so sad that I didn't tell her enough that I love her.
I hope she doesn't hate us and that in time she will see that it is the best for everyone, in the meantime we have to rebuild our family unit and somehow find the strength to continue to make a difference to our other two daughters....