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Heartbroken

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I dont really know what to say and this is my third attempt at writing something. I guess I am hoping that someone can let me know that how I am feeling is normal and that it will get easier.

Our middle-ad went back into care two weeks ago today. She has been very brave and her lasts words,to me were 'don't cry mummy, you did your best'.

Our decision was not easy and after almost 9 long years, we had tried endlessly to make a difference to her life. Unfortunately it wasn't meant to be as she seems so damaged that all the love we gave her was never going to be enough.

Now I am left feeling that a part of me is missing, my heart aches, I cry non-stop, I cannot get myself motivated to do anything.everything I see reminds me of her and I miss her like crazy. Yet turn the clock back 3 weeks and for the last 9 years when she has been unmanageable., everyone screaming and shouting, missiles coming at you from every direction, everyone treading on eggshells around her and worried that she would seriously hurt herself or her sisters. Always sleeping with one eye open! I don't miss that, instead I enjoy the peace and calmness about the house. But I do feel heartbroken, she is still the last person I think of before I sleep and the first when I wake, but for didferent reasons now. All those years of hating the behaviour, the love I felt got lost in it all too and I feel so sad that I didn't tell her enough that I love her.

I hope she doesn't hate us and that in time she will see that it is the best for everyone, in the meantime we have to rebuild our family unit and somehow find the strength to continue to make a difference to our other two daughters....


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Oh mysti. No direct experience but i am sure everything you feel is to be expected and v normal. You need to grieve ! It is a huge loss and complicated no doubt by v mixed emotions.

I know others will be along with great advice having troden the same heartbreaking path. In the meantime hold fast to the fact that you did all you could and have had to make a decision in the best interests of everyone. That takes courage. Dont beat yourself up over how it has gone.

You could always write to dd and tell her how much you love her etc. It would be something tangible for her to hold onto as well.

Sending you a huge hug of support. So v sorry for your pain. Look after yourself as best you can and give it time . It is early days after such a sad time xxx


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hi mysti, firstly gentle hugs to you (((((((())))))). Sadly I do know how you are feeling at this time, especially the crying the feelings of guilt the enjoyment of the peace that now pervades your home. You are still her parent, you can parent from a distance, I assume that she s s20 and therefore you have parental rights, you should be invited to LAC reviews, and receive support about seeing your DD and her keeping in touch with her sibs.


Sadly for some of our children family life is just too hard, but you are still a parent and she still your DD, I have a much better relationship with my daughters once they left, its easy, its not nice and it most certainly is not what you expected from adoption but it can work.


Use this time to recharge yourself, the body keeps score of stress and you all have been under stress. Keep in touch with your DD via text, little cards through post, build up to meet ups, and home visits.


Anything else you want to know about now you are in this position just ask......sadly there are a lot of us who parent from a distance, who have been through the mill with teens WE are here for you. Take very good care of you...because you are worth it. xx


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don't be so hard on yourself. You have given your all in the most difficult of circumstances, and you have other children to think about. Listen to her words, she doesnt blame you. She knows. Maybe when things have had a chance to settle you can write to her and tell her how much you love her.


Give yourself time to grieve and heal.


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((hugs))


You are not the only one to experience this sadly. Make sure you look after yourself - it was a hard decision but sounds like it was the right one xx


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I so relate to what you are saying mysti.


We put our daughter back into care after she was with us nine and a half years and the grief is incredible as such a contrast to the relief you feel that finally you are more relaxed in your own home. Our daughter went back into care just before Christmas 2012 so there were all the pressures of trying to make Christmas happy for the rest of the family but a definite awareness that daughter was not there. It felt as if all my focus, all my purpose literally went within moments.


There was the worry that daughter would experience it as the ultimate rejection but the sad certainty that we could go no further with her. The normal routine with her was gone. I found it especially hard in the time after school where we had very definite routine with homework, playing games, tv watching. I took to walking the streets as I couldn't bear to be in the house at that time feeling so redundant.


I would notice other children who looked like her and be sure it was her. I felt like I would have offloaded on any stranger in the street who gave me a smile. The sense of failure is so intense.


Forcing myself to go out and walk helped. I listened to music and one particular song with daughters name in it really resonated with me. There are songs from that time that became so helpful in releasing the grief. I also found writing down my feelings helped too.


The other children still need you and hopefully that will add something enjoyable to your day. Despite all the grief daughter caused me in the years she lived with us and all the awful stuff she put me through, it feels as if I am left with this love that is for her alone that cannot be released to someone else.


You are not alone, though I'm sure you feel it. Things do get easier. The gnawing ache has subsided but it is a long and complicated road.


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Sending you my support. It broke my heart and cried every day for weeks after my ad moved. Many years into family life it's a huge bereavement. I felt sick. We had counselling afterwards with someone from PAC, then a relationship support person.

Our best help has come through psychotherapy. The la pas dept do have a responsibility to help you whether your daughter is resident or not. ASF funded several psychotherapy sessions for us. It was carefully worded that it would potentially improve family bonds etc


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It is important to maintain contact and attend the meetings.

Yes it hurts but you are in a better position to regain your strength.

We found that after the first six months things improved.


Johanna x


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Dear Mysti


I’m very sorry to read about the breakup of your family. You’re not alone.


This happened to us a few years ago but it was our daughter’s decision to return to the care system and not ours. She wanted to leave our family and especially didn’t want me as her Mum.


Her return to foster care made me ill and I went to bed for some time. My mental health certainly suffered.


Over the years things have improved. I’ve discovered that life is good, that I have wonderful friends and a great family.


But I’ve never forgotten the feel of my little girl’s arms around my neck, when I thought she genuinely loved me. I’m in tears now as I type this and remember.


It will take a long time for you to heal and it won’t happen over a few weeks.


We never had support from SS to help heal our family; they were quite happy to encourage us to remain apart and to encourage our daughter to live a totally separate life from us.


Look after yourself and make sure you have good support around you.


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I am sorry this 'thanks' comes late, but your comments have been really helpful and comforting and I felelso sad for all of us who have suffered similar outcomes and those of you who still live with difficulties that we experience with these children.big hugs to you all...and thank you again..xx


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It’s good to hear from you. I’ve been wondering how you are.


We’ll be here when you need us.


If your daughter is a teenager, I suggest you contact The Potato Group for Parents Of Traumatised Adopted Teens:


Www.thepotatogroup.org.uk


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