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Grandson # three

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I have tried three times now to write this but every time I lose the post without saving... maybe its a sign. Grandson three is a joy and I am privileged to have him in my life. Sadly his mum our dd is not in a good place same old issues and meltdowns and despite him not being a year old yet she announces that she is expecting again, we are scared she is not coping with him we doubt very much that she will be able to cope with two, both will be in nappies nd both will rely on her for all their needs. She is still unable to put others needs first, she refuses to discuss termination, all we can do is support. I however is feeling overwhelmed by it all and what could possibly happen to our grandchildren just does not bear thinking about.... cycle starts again and we watch on helplessly.


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My goodness what a lot to cope with for you all - I have just read your other post too! (and I think you posted recently about your son's situation) Your poor daughters - what a difficult time they are both having. Keep strong - no advice - just keep faith in better things to come - it is a long hard road but lots of adoptees DO seem to make it through in the end. They are both extremely lucky to have you there too - and hopefully with your help will be able to keep it all together enough and get the right sort of help that they need (though I know its much harder when they are older to get them to accept this) At least they are in contact and accepting a basic level of support. Make sure you look after yourselves too! (easier said than done I know!) - as a priority


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So sorry to hear this. You of course are aware of my situation. Unfortunately this was the scenario with my adopted son and his wife. They were not coping with one child, both had massive problems, but went on to quickly have a second and then a third. The children landed up in care. What is the situation with the father, the partner of your DD? Do they live together? If your DD is on her own she will need a great deal of support and also needs not to have another child after the one that is expected. If the father is generally stable and of good character then that is a hopeful circumstance. If however both are vulnerable and have had many problems the future may look quite bleak unless they can get massive support.


Lily x


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oh AS - sending hugs to you all


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Thinking of you and sending gentle hugs April - doesn't sound like you and your DH are getting a moment to draw breath - have been catching up with your other posts - not surprised you are feeling overwhelmed and worried about what the immediate future holds let alone longer term.. Has your dd been flagged as a vulnerable mother particularly with the health services in respect of this pregnancy - not sure if she is moving about a lot or not engaging or whether an anonymous referral may need making so it is on record with the maternity services - from my experience lately they are trying to put far more support in at an early intervention stage with young mums which may afford more protection for your grandson as the courts are required to scrutinise this closely before acting and certainly taking folks to task if this is not evidenced but there are of course downsides to this too. Can only hope your dd gets the support she needs and works with it and that you and your DH can look after each other in the interim - sometimes at is all we can do from the sidelines. Just have to stay standing in the hope of better times.


Much love and strength to you both.

Mxx


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Really hard .we all want the best both for our children and grandchildren

Yet often their needs are conflicting.

Your daughter is not ready to be the parent her children need her to . You have so many fears for her and them.over the years I have been struck by how much love you have for your children and just how often you come up with creative ways of supporting them

Your grandchildren need you to provide the stability and love their parents will struggle to give them.

Please look after yourself during this time. Take time out for a walk a day with friends. Time with your husband you have a tough few months ahead of you . Try to top up your wells of energy and hope.

You will find a way through that will enable your grandchildren to have safe childhoods and know they are loved.


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She is living with her bf, well for most of the week, if it wasnot for his family taking her in when she was due to give birth then the situation would be very different, they attended child protection conference for unborn bubs and their offer of having her there during last months of pregnancy and then going back to theirs for a while until the review, unborn bubs was placed as child in need, she has a health visitor and mental health worker, when bubs was three months he was taken off the register and then she was given a flat, we helped her move decorate furnish etc and as it is local to us we can and do keep an eye on her and bubs as do extended family, but as with all things she goes at a hundred mile an hour...we are in the middle of another manic episode which involves organising a 1st birthday party, getting engaged, a christening her and bf going on holiday for two weeks without bubs...then in the mix is the fact that on a family social night out with her future mil and sil, she loses it, assaults sil and police officer and insults mil...she is not welcome round their homes for the time being, bf takes back engagement ring and only stays a few days now but they are still planning on holiday to work things out and she is about 3 months pregnant so by the time she goes away she should be about 5 months gone. I thought I had got through to her about having another child whilst this one is so young, she agreed with me at the time, but with the events between her and his family I feel that she wanted to have this extra hold on him....it does not bode well. the health visitor and mental health worker have reported to SS, but as there is no issue with child safeguarding they are not interested, they have all insisted that she takes a drugs test as she again openly admits to using cannabis with this pregnancy as she did with the last one, so we are waiting for results of that. We have bubs whenever we can, we will be having him for one of the weeks that she is away on holiday, but to be fair not sure if we can manage two bubbas we aint getting any younger and both work....oh for that lottery win.


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That sounds really hard for you. I can empathise. I hope she is willing to listen to good advice, is able to show some maturity and put the needs of her children first. There are clearly a number of worrying factors. The situation with my DIL was that she had no insight, behaved very badly, was always very self centred, unable to prioritise the needs of her children, lacked empathy, never accepted any responsibility, always blamed others for their problems. All so sad.


Lily x


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So sorry to read this April - you are doing everything you possibly can to mitigate things in what sounds to be very volatile circumstances indeed. As frustrating and worrying as it must be at least there is multi agency oversight albeit they are going by the book. Whilst I have so far been spared your heartbreaking situation I know that both of mine have quite deliberately put themselves in situations because they wanted to create wider chaos and worry and to draw us into their maelstrom along with anyone else they could and before one realises it can become the new normal. It has a comforting familiarity to them as they revisit their deep seated old scripts but for us it can be quite toxic especially over time. Trying to stay on the edge of their emotional whirlpool and not get sucked in can be an exhausting balancing act and sometimes it demands a certain retrenchment to regroup, recover or at least draw breath and take a broader perspective so that you can stay the distance and stay emotionally and physically healthy. You are doing everything and more for your dd and for all the grandchildren - don't forget yourselves in all of this as it must be taking a huge toll on you both.


Much love and strength to you both


Mxx


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