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Grandson #4

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Our youngest daughter gave birth late last year, within under 5 weeks her lo died, Sids/cot death, but still waiting for official notice.


We never got to meet lo, DD was in a phase of not speaking with us, her sis did get to the hospital but was rushed out and not invited back to where DD was staying...we had no address for her at this time, I contacted her 18+ worker but all they would say is that they would pass on a message, then out of the blue we hot a phone call from DD, she needed money for nappies and milk and could we help out...of course we did and arrangements were made for us to see her and bubs...the very next day I find out bubs has gone.


We get an address, we go sown, we beg her to come home, its odd where she is, no one is ever invited in and she and us had a harrowing reunion and sharing of loss in the dark under a street light on a wet and windy evening.


We find out later that she and her partner have been arrested and questioned as their original statement was inconsistent, I find her a solicitor, she fails to turn up at meeting, she is back in not talking to us or her sibs phase, we know that the funeral arrangements have been made, again I ring round funeral directors in the area she is staying, obviously no one will talk to me but one of the directors I rang was the directors and they contact DD to let them know that I have been calling and offering to pay. DD is angry, she tells me not to go to the funeral, I get a call from a friend of the family she is with stating that they are worried about her and that she is not been giving time to grieve and is babysitting their young child...she has just lost her baby. We go to the funeral, she is pleased to see us and thanks us...it was odd, no one spoke to us, hubby went up to DD partner mum to offer a hug and kind words but was blanked, we stayed for the burial then they all started posing for photos amongst the many floral tributes...I had to go.


We do now see and speak with our DD, we have offered her partner to stay here whilst she works with the 18+ team who can organise a flat for her as they did with her sister, but so far she has said no, she comes to stay for the weekend and she has recently started a job.


I am angry with her for not letting us meet bubs, but there is nothing we can do about that now, my heart is broken for her loss on top of all the losses she has suffered, we are worried about her mental health but she seems ok at the moment.


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Oh, Aprilshowers, that is such a lot to take in! And it's not just her losses - they are yours too. Who knew that adoption meant having to be the strongest parents in the world!


It is possible that your daughter is 'coping' by doing the babysitting - grief is a very strange thing. I started a new teaching job the day after my dad's funeral. I look back now and wonder how I did that, but at the time, there was no way I wasn't going to do this job or let anyone down. I don't think it was the wrong thing, I just have no idea how I coped.


Take care of yourself - I hope you are giving yourself time to grieve, however things are with your daughter.

Haven x


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My heart goes out to you Aprilshowers - as Haven says, it's not just her loss, it's your loss too and I think our children don't seem to realise that we suffer greatly too - sometimes I think more than they do. Yet we still have to be seen as the "strong" ones and we still keep trying to make sure that we put our children first and try and help them. I can't imagine how a mother would feel losing her baby like this, but what I have learnt over the years with my dds, is that their way of coping with things is very different to mine. The night my dd 's children were taken into care she posted a photo on facebook having a drink with a friend. I don't think I've ever been as angry in my life and she had no comprehension of why I was angry (and lots of other emotions) - she thought it was normal to be out with her mates and seemingly enjoying herself but in reality it was her way of coping. Whilst husband and I were crying our eyes out and having our hearts broken yet again. Being angry with your daughter is normal and very understandable. Take care of yourself


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Dear April Showers

Hugs coming your way .... I cannot think of words to write. You have all been through so much. Xx


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so, so sad April. Massive hugs, stay strong


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Update on little... well my worse fears were right, dd partner was abusive and controlling, she was helped by friends to literally be snatched away from them and was put in a safe house temporally then b&b she has kept in touch with us and come to stay with us and extended family... then discovers she is again pregnant and needed me to help her with termination. She is due to view a flats soon and again wants us involved, she still is in a dark place... not surprising really three pregnancies one miscarriage one termination and poor baby death... she is not even 19 yet.


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((((((april))))))


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