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grandchildren loved and lost

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My AS and his wife have had 6 children. The first three went into long term foster care. The fourth was adopted. The youngest two are now in care. Today I met up with an independent expert who is writing a report. We had a very long talk. My son had many problems, including ADHD and FASD, but he has been by far the better parent and has been caring and kind to the children. His wife however is very dominating. She fits the profile of someone suffering from antisocial personality disorder. The two youngest children have been taken into care on account of my DIL's behaviour and failings. She is a toxic mother. The plan is that the two youngest children will remain in care, the youngest to be adopted. If they have more children, each baby will be removed at birth and go for adoption. It is all very sad. My DIL is following the pattern of her own mother, who would also qualify for a diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder. All of her 8 children went into care. I therefore now have no grandchildren. My AD has no children by choice (she has had two terminations).


I cope with the loss in my own way. Six months ago I adopted a little dog from Romania. I share her with my daughter who adores her. The little dog has done so well. I plan to adopt another. I also support two young girls living in poverty, one in Africa and one in South America. I love getting their letters and drawings. I keep myself busy. I'm still studying for an Open University science degree, play the piano and do art. I still enjoy life.


Lily x


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Oh lily so sorry to hear of all these losses. It is so hearbreaking all round !

But what an inspiration you are to still be able to give so much back to others ( and your doggies ) despite your sadness.

I wish you nothing but good things for the future . X


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((((((((((lily))))))))


is there no chance of letterbox with the grandchildren


I'm glad you can find enjoyment in life, you deserve it xx


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Oh hugs, hugs, hugs. That is hard. No more words, more hugs xxxxx


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Oh Lily sending warm hugs to you. I know that this is what you feared. A very sad story but hopefully the younger children will be adopted with love and not toxicity in the home.

I lost my mum recently to cancer and for many years she supported children abroad and took pleasure in letters which arrived. It was part of my growing up and my interest in child development.

Hoping your studies go well.

Glad that you have your dog to share with your daughter.

In my thoughts Lily


Johanna x


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((((()))))) so sad, I know this is what you feared, your loss and your sons loss and your DD all so very sad.


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So sorry lily. I've followed your story for a long time, and hoped along with you that your son would be able to take the next step in being a parent Sad


I also have little contact with my grandson. DD1 has a 'sleep over' with him most Friday nights, apparently, but doesn't do anything else to be his mother. I wish he could be adopted as he is being passed around his father's family. He's fed, he's clean, but that's about it.


The cycle repeating itself.


I'm lucky that DD2 is doing well at the moment (teen years still to come).


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What an inspiration to others, you are Lily. Been through so much, but still have the time to dedicate supporting others going through similar problems.

I am gutted for you, your AS and ADL. How sad that these children are suffering and had to be put into care, you must feel totally helpless, esp when you see that your AS is a good parent..

What has went wrong for all these people who are and will be in the future caught up in this cycle and unable to change..society is failing badly..something needs to be done but what.

I can see with my AD that already she sees her daughter as someone she loves totally , but already see her being used in the fight for control, she will always be in the middle of her mums drama.. i am scared what the future will bring when that novelty wears off..


I have two dogs, whom have helped me a great deal by going for long walks the unconditional love Ect..

I am so sorry to hear you are going through so much heartache xxx


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The sad story continues. For months my AS and DIL had continuing supervised contact with the two youngest children who are in care. Then contact was terminated for the 3 year old and later on for the 1 year old. They enjoyed these contact sessions but the children were said to be unsettled by them. I tried to support them the best I could. They had financial crises and I ended up giving them quite large amounts of money to prevent eviction etc. I kept exhorting them to go to the CAB and arranged to take them but they always had excuses not to go. I took them to the cinema to give them an outing. My DIl was apparently staying in bed all day. I encouraged them to see their GPs and get counselling.


Last night I had a couple of reversed charges calls from my AS. It turns out he had been charged with domestic violence, held overnight in the cells and bailed to appear in court. Their relationship had become very fraught and my son had told my DIL that he planned to divorce her. I had told them that they must seek legal advice and that they could live separate lives in their council flat meantime as they have two bedrooms. It seems that my DIL had gone to a family party on her own and had brought a man back to the flat to spend the night with her. My son was crying on the phone.


It is a very sad state of affairs. I had previously said to my son that he cannot stay with me. He must resolve his problems with the help of the various agencies. He will soon be 33. I still remember how hard it was to care for him when he was a child and an adolescent - the ADHD with the impulsive, distractable and hyperactive behaviour; the constant damage he caused to the house; the theft of items from the house; his interest in knives. I had locks put on all the doors to safeguard my possessions and those of my daughter. Then I put him in care after he menaced me with a cigarette lighter.


A couple of years later he landed up homeless on my doorstep begging me to take him in. I was going to but that same day he caused damage again to a new table that I was so proud of and committed a robbery. He even had me (unknowingly) drive the getaway car. I could have spent several years in prison as a result. So, sadly, he can't stay with me even if it ends up with him being homeless.


And why is he like this? The reality is that he is brain damaged although he gives the appearance of being normal. Both his birth parents were chronic alcoholics. His birth mother drank heavily while she was pregnant with him. He was born intoxicated and had withdrawal symptoms. He had other physical issues that can be related to FAS. Growing up he never had cause and effect thinking. He never learnt from experience. I always felt very pessimistic about his future. He always wanted immediate gratification. He could not work towards longer term goals. But, with good supervision and monitoring, he is capable of working well. He is generally regarded as a nice person and was caring towards his children. But there is always the hidden disability.


I wonder if my DIL is intent on becoming pregnant again with a different man. Maybe she thinks that the change in her circumstances will result in her being allowed to keep the next baby. It won't happen. Any child will be taken into care at birth.


Lily


Here's an interesting article about how excessive drinking in pregnancy affects children:
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2015/apr/04/my-mother-the-alcoholic-...


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((hugs)) for you Lily - you are a real inspiration xx


So sad though.....and his younger life is so similar to our DS, who upped and left a few weeks ago, just after his 16th birthday - he is now staying with members of his birth family.


We also suspect FASD as he has a medical condition linked to alcohol in pregnancy and had withdrawals at birth - he was doing OK with huge amounts of support, but could not manage alone.


I fear for his future.....but I really hope my fears are wrong....


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(((((lily))))


((((bop))))


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Thinking of you Lily and sending hugs.

It is sad to draw boundaries but necessary for you.

There is a genetic time bomb in my opinion in some children and how to detonate safely is very chancy.

Our loved former foster child - mother of the girls we raised under SGO - is again pregnant and still drinking alcohol and on methadone. We have had to prioritise her children as the dramas and money needs were overwhelming.

We are hands on with the next generation and try to provide stability and pleasurable outings to the littlies.

I hope that both your son and daughter find some peace and happiness in their lives and meet with good people along the way.

Warmest wishes to you Lily ... you have been one of those who has helped me through times of trouble and I value your kindness.

Johanna xx


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Hello fellow friends


Trauma is a constant isn’t it? It changes people, who they become and the people who care.

Wishing for a giant magic wand.


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So very sad to read your post Lily - hoping your ds can salvage something from all of this.

Thinking of you

Mxx


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