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Fertility & Adoption

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Hi, I have decided that I am not going to continue in regards to my fertility treatment. Myself and my husband wanted our own children, but also to help other children to have a safe, happy home. I've been advised that none of our application would be accepted until 6 months after fertility treatment. Does this sound right? I do not understand why I would need to wait. I have a stable family home, a supportive network of family of friends etc. Its not like it was have our own children or adoptive children. We wanted both. So I've joined here today. To start my journey and process of helping at least one child.


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6 users have supported this.

Perfectly normal to expect that you wait six months before completing fertility treatment. Time to grieve for the birth child you won't have and come to terms with that loss. And maybe to start reading and researching adoption, the types of children in the care system and the issues you may come across.


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16 users have supported this.

It's pretty standard to have to wait 6 months. The idea is to give prospective adopters time to really come to terms with not having a birth child, and to grieve properly. It's all so emotionally intense. It will seem like eternity, but it's really not much, compared with the whole process. I was also thinking IVF and adoption at the same time - tried one IVF cycle and knew it wasn't for me, but we still had to wait 6 months. I think I'm the kind of person who would take up a new project as a way of dealing with the one that had gone wrong (bit of a rubbish analogy I know, but you get what I mean), but I was aware enough of that to know that it was right that I should wait and see how I felt for a while. I did do a bit more grieving and in retrospect it was an appropriate transition period.


I've seen posts in this forum from people who see their friends are having birth children and it triggers more grieving, or who get upset because they have to sit and listen to other mums talk about what happened when they gave birth or when their babies were very young - things they missed because they adopted, and didn't give birth. You just don't know how things are going to pan out where feelings like these are concerned.


I doubt anyone would take you on until some time had elapsed after ceasing your fertility treatment. Take the time to really nurture your relationship - now that I've had nearly five years as a parent, I am longing for some proper quality time with my lovely husband - although I wouldn't be without our kids, either! There's also good books you can read that give you an idea about parenting what will be a very vulnerable traumatised child - I'd recommend reading some of them.


Its great to see you have a good support network, and i hope that everything works out for you. I'm sure it will. Think of waiting as a way to give you one of the most important skills you need for the whole adoption process - the patience of a saint!


Good luck,

Haven x


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14 users have supported this.

Hi. Yes you will have to wait a minimum of 6 months. And thats correct in my opinion. We had many, many years of fertility treatment and you need time to adjust to new reality. You will never have a new born, and would be very lucky to get a baby under 1. You will never have a child look like you. Behave the way a birth child would. People will judge you differently, you will not be part of the popular yummy mummy set. It takes a while to adjust your dreams.

We started our adoption journey straight after 6 months but that was allowed because we had lots of counselling. Most IVF clinics provide excellent free counselling and your application by SWs would be seen much more favourably if you did that.

The fertility fight is a weird journey, always rushing to the next month, the next appointment, the next treatment plan. Adoption journey is very different. Everything is in slow motion, you have to have time to think about all aspects of the adoption process. So I would recommend you use that 6 months to prepare, read about therapeutic parenting, trauma and attachments in children. Research the types of children available in modern day adoption. Research the agency's that are currently recruiting adopters in your area (because of low children numbers at present many agencies are only recruiting adopters who want sibling groups of 3+ or special needs or significant medical conditions or 4+.)

It really is achievable but its a different mind set to the journey you were on previously

Good luck

G


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17 users have supported this.

Thank you all, I really be appreciate your advice. We are happy to wait however long it takes. Its lovely to hear from people being in a similar situation. I'm hoping it will help that I currently work in a nursery - I've recently completed the level 3 in childcare, so that will aid me in regards to preparing. There is also a couple of adopted children in my nursery - and I do speak to the parents so that is helpful. Thank you again !!


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Hi, to be honest, the idea that you consider both to be equivalent would ring so many alarm bells with agencies - I adopted from infertility and I understand that want to create a family by whatever means. But adoption is not just Plan B - it is a completely different future for you and you have to be able to let Plan A go and come to terms with what adoption means for you. The others have given great advice. I would suggest that you read up widely about adoption - have a look at posts on this forum for example. It is not just about finding a child and then getting on with family life. Adopting in the UK means taking on a degree of unknowing in terms of possible challenging behaviours and additional needs, plus coming to terms with the child having no biological connection to you, so perhaps no shared quirks/interests, that sort of thing. It really is a leap of faith. Good luck.


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31 users have supported this.

I second what Flosskirk says. When I was going through infertility I went to a talk by someone who adopted and I remember her saying adoption wasn't a cure for infertility. I wasn't looking to adopt at the time but it was in the back of my mind. I was very surprised by her assertion. All I wanted was a child by whatever means possible but she was right - adopting is different in many ways. It took me two years to accept I wouldn't give birth and to make the move to adoption. I'm not saying everyone needs two years (or even that I did, it just happened that way for me) but you do need to come to terms with what adopting means, it isn't a replacement for a birth child.


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11 users have supported this.

We were the exception to the rule - our children were placed with us less than six months after our unsuccessful IVF cycle finished, but we were already their respite foster carers and SW were clear about our reasons for that cycle of IVF - we wanted to close the door and not wonder what if in years to come (but neither of us really expected it to work). We did a condensed approval process and had just one panel that approved and matched in one go.....


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6 users have supported this.

We adopted from infertility about 15 years ago and I deeply regret it now. We didn't progress too far down the assisted conception road (due to DW fear of invasive procedures etc.), but I wish we had at least exhausted a few more options. I think more counselling should be available to people following infertility, and a greater degree of clarity in what to expect from adopted children. Like many, we thought it would be equivalent to a biological family, and a nice thing to do - and back in the day those thoughts were not challenged by the social workers - quite the opposite in fact. Maybe they are more truthful these days. It isn't just because of the boys' behaviour either. Part of you never feels truly connected to them, and parenting under those circumstances is so much more difficult, especially when you're surrounded by friends who seem to sail through life with their bio children. But once you've signed those papers the only way out is through. You can divorce a wife if you find yourselves incompatible, but it's nigh on impossible to undo an adoption, and nobody ever understands how you can feel. I think if the social workers could give a true glimpse of life with adopted children much fewer adoptions would take place, but as it is the cheapest childcare option for them, they don't want to discourage it. Everyone is different of course, with their own reasons and motivations, but I think adoption due to infertility needs to be handled very carefully, and with a good pinch of honesty and reality.


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Loss is an ongoing process in adoption anyway. We had birth children and when we wanted to expend our family although we had all the fertility investigations never went down the treatment route. But there is always loss - even when having our own birth children too - for the children who might have been and the situation which might have been - and loss on behalf of your children too - both birth and adopted. Even now with my daughter 21 and my son 19 - there is always the comparison with others (from them even if not from you) and the feeling of "why should I have to deal with this" (regarding mental health issues and the results of my daughter being the victim of a very serious crime) So the better prepared you are - in terms of having to deal with your own losses - the better. I wholly recommend counselling - and it may well bring up other things from your past and help you understand yourself better which can only be a good thing and make you stronger. Use this opportunity as best you can and then go forward positively.


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2 users have supported this.

Very honest post Eric!


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7 users have supported this.

We wanted to adopt initially but we didn't want to live the rest of our lives wondering what our own children would've been like. We are now starting the IVF process. To be honest I can completely see why you are asked to wait 6 months. Although we haven't officially started the ivf process yet, it's already been very stressful and emotional and 6 months is really a short period of time in the grand scheme of things. 6 months to recover from everything you've been through with Ivf, to grieve for your own children and to get the strength to face the intrusive and yet another emotional process of adoption!


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7 users have supported this.