Failed at Stage 1 Due to Adoptive Parents' Attitude
Sorry for the long post - please read it as this is a very complex issue which I'm seeking advice and support for.
Me and my wife have been in Stage 1 for over 6 months and recently received the news that we weren't being recommended for progression to Stage 2. This has obviously devastated us after unsuccessfully being able to conceive naturally, and having 3 failed cycles of IVF.
The reason for us being failed is actually no fault of our own according to the Stage 1 report. My wife is a self-employed child-minder with over 20 years' experience of working in nurseries and childcare. I was also adopted at the age of 6 months and saw three of my siblings adopted, which our social workers say would make us fantastic, well placed, and knowledgeable adoptive parents.
The problem and the reason for our failure to progress is my adoptive parents. They have always maintained an almost 'taboo', 'old school' attitude towards adoption and it was always stressed on me and my siblings that it was 'our secret' and we should never reveal it to anyone. Needless to say I ignored this on many occasions and remember getting scolded a number of times in my youth for disclosing it. My parents even blew a fuse big time when I got married 5 years ago, and I revealed to them that I'd told my wife about me and my siblings being adopted.
A social worker visited my parents as part of Stage 1 when this complexity came to light, to try and understand what was going on. The outcome of this was that I found out a lot of things about my past that I didn't know before, and I also didn't know that my second-to-youngest sibling doesn't even know he's adopted and doesn't know that we are either! The social worker noted this down as a major negative, and the primary reason why me and my wife couldn't progress. Understandably they say that this would confuse an adoptive child and suggesting that adoption is a secretive thing (to prevent my sibling finding out), would be highly confusing.
To make matters worse my adoptive parents always told me that there was a 'legal covenant' on my sibling preventing his adoption being public knowledge. The adoption agency we've gone through consulted with their legal adviser and several independent social workers, all of whom rubbished this and said such orders did not exist, especially when the adopted child is now 31 years old. Any legal restrictions would have been lifted at the age of 18.
Anyway last night I plucked up the courage to confront my parents on this and allow them to read the social workers' rejection report. My adoptive father rubbished the report as a 'pack of lies' and 'defamatory', whilst my adoptive mother basically sat there weeping. He said that the adoption agency were holding them to ransom and my siblings adoption and past should not have to play any part in it. He also stated he would NEVER tell my sibling about his adoption as it would be potentially devastating to him after so long, and because of the reasons why he was adopted in the first place (they refuse to even tell me about this).
In the end I said to my father "So you are basically saying that given the choice of allowing your son to adopt children or keeping a secret, you'd prefer to favour the secret?". His response was "If I've got the decision between you adopting and keeping my adoptive son's history a secret, then I choose to keep the secret. I don't care if this causes hurt to you or your wife; I care more about the consequences of your sibling finding out about his adoption". With that I was asked to leave the house and told that if we meet again in about 'five years time', we might try to make up again.
So my adoptive father now holds our right to have children via adoption in one hand, and keeping a secret from an adoptive child in the other which he clearer favours over his eldest adoptive son. As part of our conversation I suggested the possibility of them attending counselling (via PAC-UK) which our social worker had recommended to try and break the stalemate and change my adoptive parents' way of thinking. My father said that there was no way that either him, my adoptive mother, or my sibling would attend any counselling and that was final! He was not going to sit there and allow some counsellor to try and change his mind, or forcibly disclose to my sibling that he was not his real father.
So now I find myself in the situation where my parents want nothing to do with me, my wife, or our attempts to have children - a real mess to put it bluntly and I have no idea what to do next. My only concern is that my father has shown his 'true colours' and basically confirmed that he isn't really bothered about me, my wife, or her side of the family. All he wants is to keep his second-to-youngest adopted son's history a secret, and make sure that everyone else does too.
What he doesn't seem to understand is that sooner or later this 'timebomb' is going to go off. My sibling has just moved in with his girlfriend, and what if he can't have children and has to go through adoption?