Do you follow your head or your heart ???

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Hi all

Hope everyone as had a good Christmas.

So for a while now we have been contemplating adopting for a 2nd time. Little one is now 4 and a half and quite settled in school and quite frankly due to our ages its now or never !

The thing is all my gut instincts are telling me no for so many reasons and hubby feels pretty much the same but our hearts just wont let us give up on the idea. I know that might sound a bit corny but it really does break my heart at the thought of NOT doing it again. We always thought and said we would like to have 2 children but there are so many things that worry us about it .

A few of our concerns are -

Are we too old

Do we have the time and energy

How will effect current AS

Are we better to settle for what we have and not temp fête,as it were for a 2nd time

Will we manage 2 different life stories etc and could it become quite complex

The list just goes on and I have to say the excitement that was there the first time around just isn't there now,I guess now we know a bit more what adoption and post adoption involves and what it can sometimes turn out like.

If we dont do it again,I honestly think I may need some form of counselling to cope with the grief of not having another child.

What would you do ?

Head or heart ???

What are your thoughts ?

Many thanks

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Well you do not have to adopt to help a child, why not concider fostering? I adopted a second time and pulled the short string.

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Thanks Pluto but unfortunately that wouldn't be an option for us .

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Have pm'd you etetnal.


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We were in a similar position well over 10 years ago. I just felt our family wasn't complete and we went ahead with the second adoption. The process took nearly four years and it often felt like we could easily give up on it (long wait for a match) but it just felt right to keep going and we got there in the end. It's not been plain sailing but we don't regret it at all. Mind you, we struck quite lucky with our second who has generally been much easier tp parent and less of a worry in general - but has her very tricky moments too! It hasn't been detrimental at all to oldest though there are times when she would claim it has!

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Without knowing your ages it is fairly difficult to say whether you are too old but there was a thread on these boards about a month ago where many of us "came out" about our ages when we adopted first / second time round and the consensus was, I think, that if you don't feel too old then you probably aren't.

I wonder whether you have considered (or could consider) counselling before you make a decision about whether to adopt a second time which might explore why you might feel the grief that you fear if you decided against a second adoption?

I remember both DH and I having similar doubts to the ones that you describe above before we entered into the process a second time. Would we be upsetting the apple cart? Would we be taking on more than we could cope with? We were undecided for a while and kept identifying blockers that allowed us not to make a decision - the house wasn't big enough, for example, so obviously we couldn't ... We moved house - having a bigger house didn't mean that we had to go ahead. Eventually we realised that we had no more blockers to stop us from making a decision. Crunch time! We decided to go ahead.

For every less than positive experience of adoption, however many times in, there is usually a positive one. We adopted a second time round and have had a really positive experience; a much more positive one than first time round, if I'm honest.

So, the real answer is that there is no answer, I'm afraid. It could be great or it could be awful. It could be challenging or it could be a walk in the park. None of us know, sadly, because adopters don't get all the facts (SS don't always know all of the facts); the facts may not yet be known. We just have to go with the gut and see what happens.

DH and I did this second time around and it turned out fine; Pluto did this and it didn't. I'm really sorry, if I had a magic ball then I would look in to it for you. But I don't and I'm not sure that it would really help if I did.

Follow your instincts. If everything is screaming "no" then don't do it. There is always time in the future. Or, if I just said to you "you can't; no way" then how would that make you respond?

I have been no help whatsoever but I hope that you will understand what I'm saying.


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Slightly different- we had decided not to adopt again as our ad has quite complex needs .

But we got a phone call saying Bm was pregnant again. Initially we said we would not adopt her sibling, but when he was born our hearts took over and we went ahead and adopted him.

I’m so glad that we did- he is such a precious little boy. And he has brought us so much happiness.

The first few years were very difficult though as our ad was intensely jealous of him

Things have finally settled now- 5 years in- and they are now finally great friends and enjoy each other’s company...there was a time I never thought I’d say this, as the rivalry was so intense at first. At first I worried if we had done the right thing by her as she seemed so insecure and angry about it all, but I now feel that he has been a gift to her as well as us!

We have been lucky though as he is so far a straightforward little boy with far fewer needs than our ad. I think things would have been a lot harder if he had greater needs.

We are old parents - I was 44 when my second was born. It is tiring (2 children is double the work if not more!) but things are a lot easier now that they are 10and 6. I do also feel that I’m glad that she has a sibling as we won’t be around for ever and I do hope that he will help look after her to an extent as he is emotionally much more resilient.

So it has been positive for us, but we have been lucky

Good luck xx

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Hello chuck. Long time no speak. Did you have a good crimbo? I'm going to violate my normal rule against overly conclusive advice and actually give you a firm answer:

*Are we too old- No, lots of people adopt at older than you.

*Do we have the time and energy- Only you know that. Two are harder than one, but he's getting to a good age for it.

*How will effect current AS- No-one can really answer that, it worked really well for us. Most kids manage fine and I don't think you have reason to think that your son will have major issues. How does he cope with other kids? How is he when he's forced to share attention? (no toddlers find this easy).

*Are we better to settle for what we have and not temp fête,as it were for a 2nd time- Now you are just being silly : - ) You have buckets of experience/skill to offer another child and you will be much more informed than first timers during matching. Second time is definitely easier (for the adoption bit).

*Will we manage 2 different life stories etc and could it become quite complex- This will not be anywhere close to your biggest issue.

*If we dont do it again,I honestly think I may need some form of counselling to cope with the grief of not having another child.- Well there you go, you have your answer. It is what you really want.

Two kids really are hard work, but it's worth it. I could watch my two play together all day. Given how long you've been mulling this for and how strongly you speak about it, I don't think you have a choice. Making the assumption that you will go for it, you might as well get cracking.

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Etetnal, sorry, if I am sticking my oar in. Whether you have a birth child or adopted, the effects on the older child can be profound (see my thread This Christmas).

All you can do is weigh up if you are comfortable with the odds. I know other adoptive families where they are coping well and the new child has made them feel complete as a family, but also the opposite.

I would recommend having counselling now. Find out what makes you want another child so badly. How you would cope not having another one. You are never too old (unless you're in your late 60s or even older now). Try and find all the red herrings which may influence your decision one way or another. Examine your emotions, practical side of things and most of all the worst case scenario and how you would cope long-term.

Whatever you decide to do it will be the right decision for you and if you decide not to go ahead make sure to make plans for the future, which make you look forward to whatever it will hold.

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Absolutely go with your head!

Adoption isn't the "simple" way of having children as we all know from quotes such as "your giving them a lovely home and they will be fine" well we all know the reality.Did you start the adoption process knowing you just wanted to adopt one child? we did and we now have had our family unit for 8 years with the ups and downs that we all experience I'm sure.I would sit down and discuss together as a unit and all come to the same conclusion but i feel you have done this already so good luck x

Hope you had a great xmas and all the best for the coming year!

Regards Westi

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We initially wished to adopt two children but our AD's issues were so all absorbing that we had to change our minds about it. GIven the extreme responses and situations we could not have given another child our full attention and I suspect that after the initial joy our AD may have attempted to damage any competing relationship. We knew that giving our AD one to one focus was the only way to go even though I would have preferred to be able to do the opposite. I do not regret the decision. It is a path not taken and it is pointless looking back. Our AD is just about able to share me with others now she is twenty but it has been a long and bumpy ride. You probably have good reasons to wonder about head over heart. We went with our heads based upon our experiences with our AD even at a young age. Hope that you are able to work this through with few regrets.

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We adopted a second time last Year and Pickle was almost 4.5 years when Munchkin came home. We wanted to adopt again and felt that we were at the right stage to do so. We started the process when she was 3.5 years old. We had no preferences of gender or anything. We wanted a second child therefore we did it all again. I found the matching process harder second time round as we got to emotionally involves so every rejection was hard especially when we knew Pickle would love a sibling.

It has been tough. We took Munchkin on knowing she has a genetic anomaly and know there may be more issues to follow. I spend most of my week in therapy sessions and appointments for her not to mention daily sensory circuits and joint compressions. That impacts on life. Pickle started school and issues came more to the fore. She was an easy to place baby but now has a diagnosis of sensory processing and ADHD. These have happened in the last 6 months. She needs sensory circuits and the like as well. It is hard balancing both their needs.

I guess I am saying that the impact is great on our Pickle and the diagnosis doesn't help. They do love each other but at the moment life is tough and very challenging. It is hard remembering 2 different contact agreements and 2 different life history but somehow I manage but I don't work anymore and can't at the moment. So there has been financial impact.

I would echo what a previous poster has said and seek counselling now. Explore your reasons behind having a second child and how you may feel if that didn't happen. I know adopters who considered adopting again and even went through the approval process again but haven't adopted. They are happy and wouldn't change anything.

Maybe see how you feel once your child has finished their first year at school and see if there are any issues that arise for them that need your attention. Focus on your family at the moment and enjoy it. Take time to work out your feelings.

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Thankyou everyone for sharing your experiences.....lots of good pints for us to consider.

Will keep you posted!

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Hello etenal a year ago we were in the same position as you.. and here we are approved for a second time. It is a very challenging question but i feel confident that we made the right decision .... and yes I did start the thread "are we too old to adopt..." that someone else mentioned in these replies. We have been agonising over that question but i am now feeling confident that no we are as old as our minds. I am sure i would have regretted it had we not gone ahead with a second attempt at adopting. We are however early in the process and i might say something totally different in a few months. What i am confident about is that our dear AS is so much ready now than he was a year ago. Our adopted children tend to be generally emotionally much younger and need a lot of reassurance and emotional regulation. Being that much older gives me a bit more confidence that our dear son will cope better. Then again, i might say something totally different when reality hits....

good luck with whatever you do

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Tricky one- I guess only you can find the answer for yourselves.

I think it could really work, you’ve got a good age gap going forwards. It’s such a gamble going for adoption and factoring in an older child complicates things. I like the idea of a counsellor to talk to and work through the pros and cons of having another adoptee in the mix.

Would you be able to go for approval and judge your options as the arise?

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After so much consideration and debate about this I think that is now what we have decided to do pear tree, go forward with baby steps and in the mean time possibly have some counselling and once we are approved look at how we are feeling then. Ultimately we have to take that gamble as It were if we are going to even make that first initial move ! Really though.....we will take it stage by stage with a lot of communication about how we are feeling throughout and at each point of the process and go from there. We feel that is probably our best option at this point .

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