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Just a vent as there is nothing we can do about this one but its not the kind of things you talk about down the pub with your mates Blum 3


On the surface AS (14) looks so good - charming, well liked by peers and teachers and anyone who comes across him, making huge progress in terms of attachment (he has RAD and PTSD) , scholarship to a prestigious private school, ambitions to become an architect, music tuition award .... he is actually turning (overall) into a lovely young man ... however


... back at the beginning of the year he was discovered to have sexually assaulted his sister (with whom he has a nasty trauma bond), CP and police were involved, it was determined that we were putting in enough safeguarding and that he was engaging in therapy, no charges pressed, case closed ....


... except CP determined that, because he was boarding at a co-ed school, school must be told (fair enough). Since then he has been a day student but the coming school year is boarding only and school have said therefore we need to find somewhere else for him.


Although the case is closed, CP have decreed that we must tell his next school - so nowhere wants to take him (even the all-boys schools) . Our local state school HAS to take him, it is a good school but the lack of oversight and structure will increase his risks of assaulting either his sister again or another vulnerable young girl.


What he has done is awful, we live with the consequences every day, we are exhausted and traumatised, but this situation just reduces his risks of rehabilitation and of moving beyond where he is now and the shame and uncertainty are exactly the factors that have been identified as increasing his risk of assaulting his sister again.


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So sorry to hear this. If school does not want him and he needs to board to keep your family safe than a therapeutic institution or single place foster placement are the only solutions I can see.

He and your family might be better off to move him back into care before 16, if the risk of re offending is high, it sounds like it is, if a bit of stress would be a trigger to engage in abusing others. That way he qualifies longer for services, and it's no longer your sole responsibility if he can not heal quickly enough. (before independence)


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A few years ago I read a book on this written by an adoptive family and describing what they all went through. It is a tough subject.

I will try to recall details.

In my thoughts


Johanna


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I have a book called A Forever Family by John Houghton (just found it upstairs) - might be the one you're looking for - they adopted 3 kids and found out the eldest was sexually abusing their daughter - I think he was a journalist. Maybe that's the one? From a BAAF series.


It must be very frustrating for you when your son so clearly needs help. Is he getting any? Are you? Is your daughter? My daughter attends an organisation called Respond - she has therapy with them but they provide lots of different services - they work with offenders / perpetrators (sorry not sure of the correct term to use here) and are very experienced. They have a brilliant helpline support too - I had someone ring every week to support me for 8 months - a very experienced therapist - and am still on a waiting list for further sessions when they have a gap. They specialise in working with people with learning difficulties who have been sexually abused / assaulted ( or who have committed such offences) but use an attachment approach. I'm not sure if the abusers all have learning difficulties though. It would be worth contacting them as they could suggest somewhere else if they do not think they are the right service or you need somewhere more local to you - and in any event could provide support to you through their helpline. It might be that a more family therapy approach is what is needed though - working with both children particularly as you mention their trauma bond (sorry if this is all stuff you have done / tried as its not something you're asking about in your post but just thought I'd mention it anyway) Your son seems to be doing really well and maybe addressing this more directly (if it hasn't been done already) is the way to getting him fully accepted in the future.


On the other hand - as the Mum of someone who was the victim of a particularly nasty sexual crime (according to the police - not me) I am reassured to know that all this is kept on file and restrictions are placed on the people concerned - even when found not guilty - as in my daughters case.


Please pm me if you would like any further information


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Thanks Safia. It is the book I meant.

Taznmaple.. I think Barnados provides support.

I hope you all get the support you need.


Johanna


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have you seen https://thepotatogroup.org.uk/ - lots of old AUK folk have joined


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Hello my old friends Smile welcome home. What a tough set of circumstances you are in. There are school options to try but I do think the local state option sounds like a potential disaster. One method I've found helpful when planning ahead is to consider a scenario e.g. He goes to state school. What the outcomes are perhaps to be? Score then out of 10 for the most worrying? Score them for most likely? Share this with each other.

See if you can think of anything to reduce that number to an acceptable number. Consider sharing this with the professionals involved ?

I would think even with robust intervention family life must be pretty hard with such a range of competing needs. It might be there are no straightforward answers and you have to make some very blunt decisions about his/ the others provision going forwards.

It's a testiment to you all that he's done so well in many ways - also the others Smile

In the uk I notice that sexual offenders are often only registered for 3,5 or 10 years. I think that even after this the fact that a conviction is in the past must be declared on DBS forms.

The reality is though from your post is that he has not had a conviction.

I would think there's a point to be made about managing his risk as opposed to an individual who is a convicted sex offender?

Mr pt has read the book suggested above. There was a lot in there that resonated with some of our experiences trying to get adequate understanding from a variety of professionals. It's worth a read.

All the best to you


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Hi Taz


It's been a long time since we met or spoke. I'm so sorry to read what's been happening. I really do encourage you to join the POTATO Group. You'll get such a lot of support and advice from others who've been through it.


Please remember me to Maple.


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We took on our children knowing that they were separated from their slightly older brother because of exactly what you describe. He reacts to stress in this way sometimes. Why? It isn't clear, although there are plenty of clues in his CPR. I can't bring myself to blame him and I can't help but feel really sorry for him. When my children were adopted he was placed in permanent FC but as far as I can see (and am told by FC's) he is getting little help other than that the FC's can offer. He was moved to another set of FC's for permanence and all was progressing very well, in fact after a year the FC's asked if they could adopt him. He wants so much to be a part of a permanent family and if you put the obvious undiagnosed ADHD aside, he is a lovely boy.

As you would expect, finding out you may be getting adopted and the stresses that brings in areas like birth family loyalty (being in FC he still has contact with BM) he "regressed" and is now in another temporary FC placement. This is his 8th placement in his 10 years. We were, of course, notified of his transgression as the reason for the move because our children still have contact with him. We saw him last week and I could see the fear had returned to his eyes, the "painted perfect" was back and he was holding all his emotions inside. Unsure of himself and clearly deeply shamed, it was obvious he had not settled. My daughter picked up on this right away and broke down.

In a world where a 10 year old has no real place, few prospects and such a terrible start with birth family, I cannot see the justice in treating children like him in the same terms of reference as an adult sexual predator. The "just" thing surely would be to give him the help he needs to recover from the intense trauma he has suffered and treat the core of the problem. He cannot go through life being considered a threat, that is no life and I would expect that as with most things, he would begin to live up to the reputation society gave him.

Taznmaple, I don't know if any of this resonates with your own situation but I worry for children like this and how they are going to succeed in life with this hanging around their neck.


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I have sent you a PM


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Hi there,


I think that you should get some legal advice on this. He has not been convicted of any offence and yet he is being treated as if he had. CP (by that i assume child protection) - not sure what legal powers they have to insist that schools be told about what amounts to an allegation. I would ask CP what legal basis they have to insist schools be told and then go and see a solicitor.


best wishesxx


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