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Anyone having trouble with BC and not adopted children

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That's it really o have a birth child and two adopted children until now I haven't been brave enough to ask for support but really need it


My birth child had GDd and is 17 were really stuggling with him and amazingly not with our adopted children whom are angles in comparison he's not acting out because we adopted as we were fostering from when he was very small so he has not really known a diffrent family or had me to himself also I pretty much feel since he's brought him self a games console his behaviour has gone down hill


I really need some support guys


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9 users have supported this.

could you be more specific about what the issues are?


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I just so worried about being judged I feel like a real failure and the fact it's my birch child giving me issues makes me feel worse as people have made me feel like somehow I should be able to manage with my BC and tbh his speical need is what lead me to fostering and then to adoption


Really stuggling with our teenage sons behaviour speaking to us like crap


His beavhoiurs hygiene and room is awful he sits in his room all day playing PlayStation Barr going to work two days a week, he's failing at collage and dosent care


We had so many diffrent incidents including

(SORRY FOR THE LANGUAGE)below


He shat all over the bathroom yes you heard correct he claimed he had a upset tummy but he just left if it was all over the loo up the cistern on the floor even it happened during the night he just left if and went t o bed he wasn't even embrassed


He's hidden my phone out of revenge he had misplaced his and thought that I had hidden it so put mine in the loft I only released when I got dh to ring it when he got home and it started ringing my other children are 5 and 2 so there is no way it could of got there via them


weeing in bottles in his room we discovered him doing this about 4 times but of course like my dh said those are the bottles we found


He won't buy new clothing dispite having ripped trousers at the crouch he earns between £250 and 500per month btw


And won't eat what I cook unless he's compltey run out of money and even then complains


Blanking me when I talk to him or simply start talking to a friend on the phone


He kicked off the front door in a fit of rage when he had asked him to start driving lesson [B]paid for by us no less[/B] he training to be a engineer so needs to drive to be able to get employment


We're going away next week and because he dosent want to come is causing us no end of issues and no he can't stay here on his own he can't be trusted sadly we don't think he will have a party pretty much were unable to be sure he will lock the doors won't loose his keys Ect


And the thing that happened today was the last straw last night he was working I told him we were haveing BLT with wedges and coslaw for tea however dh had not realised that he was only supposed to take one roll and took two thus leaving nothing for ds I then quickly poped in a jacket potato for ds and texted him it's still in the oven from last night he went and got take away [B]no issue its his money so I just told him look if you don't want dinner then you just let me know he response is when the hell is a jacket potato how dare you ypu told me we were having BLT make what you say your gonna [/B] I just feel like I can't carry on he has disengaged with us if we walk into a room he walks out he won't eat with us get his dinner sits in his room all the time


His reactions to things have become very over the top


Please help I getting very desperate


Up until he got him self a games console he's been a normal moody teen now he shuts himself in his room he won't even take meals with us and is not getting to be until 3/4 in the morning and that in turn if effecting his moods and how he interacts with us he's completely disengaged form the family unit


I no this sounds mad but we think he's addicted to gaming that coupled with his GDd is a disaster


Please don't judge me I really feeling very low I spoke to my friend last night her son is really doing well I felt judged and blamed by her I fell now I have no one to talk to I must be the only adopter who's having trouble with there BC and not there adopted children


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No judgement here i assure you. I have a son with aspergers and so i know what it is like to be judged by other parents ( even my own ) . Thankfully he is doing well as an adult now. We have 2 other birth children.

We also have 2 kids with complex needs (l fc 1 adopted). Yes we are mad before you ask !

The eldest one of those is hitting puberty and is getting increasingly challenging although he only has the development of a toddler. He is hard to handle and that is the whole point i am making ... kids with gdd, learning disabilities etc are not going to develop and act like other people. It could be games related or just a hormonal phase. My 17 yr old daughter has never been a jot of trouble but last couple of months she has changed. She is v independant and gas gone from being my shadow to not standing the sight of me. Is there a massive hormone surge i wonder? I am grieving the loss of our closeness big style as it has been so sudden and brutal .

Anyway sorry not trying to make it about me just thinking aloud.

Do you get any input ? I would see gp and ask for support .

Any parent support groups you can access. Camhs etc though we know some services are hopeless.

Anyway dashing out now but big hugs to you and dh. You are not alone. Keep posting and i am thinking of you xxx


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If I was you if you do not, do that start charging him rent! If you throw him out he has to pay a lot more. Now some basic rules, not being smelly, leave bathroom as you find it, home at x hour, no verbal agression, follow those or you're out. Charge him for warm meals, if he want to eat he has to pay two pounds or whatever, you want to know 12 hours before or he's eating.

He wants to live in an hotel, that's fine but cost money.

He wants driving lessons, that's fine follow those rules, you pay for half, the other half is his problem.

Please do not feel judged by those who have 'perfect' children, they are not walking in your shoes, try to let go it's not wirth it.


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Wizzywoo has given great advice, which I completely agree with. How is his GDD these days? If he is training to be an engineer, I'm guessing he's come a long way? That in itself is testament to your parenting, so don't be putting yourself down!


You are saying that gaming may be at the heart of it, but there could be something else, but obviously you need to find a way to communicate to the able to find out what's going on for him. He may be suffering from a massive dose of low self esteem, something many teenage boys go through. Try writing him a letter, saying you want to have a better relationship with him, but it has to work both ways. Tell him you love him and are worried about him - and that's your job as his mum, and if there's any way you can support him, you will always be there. Tell him you'd like to take him for a day out - cinema and lunch or something - not buying more games Smile - don't pressure him on the day out, just try and have a good time together.


But I also think I would try and create some boundaries/natural consequences for him. If he won't eat what you make for him, stop cooking for him. Have 'house rules' (which you also have to keep) - for example, maybe the internet goes off at a certain time at night - I know this won't stop gaming altogether, but it will restrict him a bit. You can just pull the plug or take the modem to bed with you :-). Tell him if he's not contributing, he doesn't get back. Anything that you are paying for that is to do wth him (phone contract etc) just stop. And yes, think about some kind of token rent, for all the electricity he is using!


Is wherever he is training aware of how he is living his life and should they be? it might be worth having a quiet word.


I hope you can get things back on track. hxx


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I agree with everything that Wizzywoo and Haven have suggested but are you able to monitor his activities on the game console. It's just something to consider but he may be able to access chatrooms and it could be that he is being cyberbullied or groomed. His behaviour, as you've described it, can be an indication of both problems for teenagers.


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Ah I missed the GDD. What does that mean in a 17 year old? I thought this is a term for young children delayed in all areas, than they catch up or it becomes a learning disability/psychiatic problem (like asd) of some sort?


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The issues we had and always have when trying t get help is it dosent effect his academic self if you see what I mean it effects his social and emotional self


For example he never had any I mean any friends and primary school he was the child you hear about on mums forum were the whole class was invited Barr one , he wet himself until he was 14 I could go on but it's to upsetting


He pays keep it was £35 pm but his granddad said is to little so we pushed it up to 70pm


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He sadly won't come out anywhere with me or dh were of to euro dimsey next week he said he rather sit it the tent it's to exhausting trying to convince him to Join us


He stopped eating with us about 4 months agao and has blocked me from Facebook he dose little micro aggressions in order to start a row so he can feel even more righteous


I think we may draw up a behaviour contract if he is unable to keep to it then he may have to move out we will help him look for a bed sit at the moment that is looking rather attractive


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Oh it is so hard. Does the lack of friends bother him or is he happy to be alone?

Is he assessed for autism? My son is v clever but like yours struggles with social situations and gets overwhelmed emotionally and stressed v quickly.

It does break your heart believe me i know and it is worse because they are often more aware of their issues. Has he ever tried anti depressants ? This is the time of breaking free from parents so that side of it ( not wanting to go on hols with you etc ) is fairly typical.

It could be that it is all getting too much for him and he is unravelling and this is leading to these awful behaviours. They do sound extreme .

I would draw up a short list of house rules but would keep it simple and not too unattainable so that it is not too much for him and i would definitely limit internet / games time. But i would also try to ignore the smaller things (if there are any )

It is all so easy to say but v hard to do when you are under so much pressure with the situation. Other parents of autistic teens could offer good support even if he is not diagnosed as he sounds like he has a lot of the same issues.

Hang in there you are doing a great job by the sounds of it . Dont let anyone tell you any different as they simply do not have a clue x


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To be honest Disney is my idea of hell and I'm not sure many 17 year old young men would want to go there with a 5 and 2 year old. Point I'm trying to make is that he is a young man, he is working and paying rent and you have 2 much younger children. Interests are not going to co-incident. I agree with the contract of behaviour idea, but he needs to be treated as a young adult - which of course includes his responsibilities to you


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This is about controlling on his part he can't just not want to come on Hoilday he wants eveyone to see he's up set by sitting in the tent in a woolly jumper went to irland did the whole game of thrones thing and he loves GOT stayed at in laws house not even leaving his room


He can be upset but we're not Interested in the whole show leading up to and on any actual Hoilday for example he tried to claim he hadn't been able to book the days off work until dh threatened to phone his boss and then took on more shifts in order to get out of coming now he's saying he has collage even though I rung to make sure he was off next week with the course manager HES not safe to stay here on his own trust me I wish he was and he could stay here


We have no one he could stay with for. Whole week that lives close enough to his work we live in a semi rural area


And he's pays £70 keep it was £35 up until a few months agao but sadly he kicked the door in when he was cross and it's cost us £1200 for a new one as it couldn't be repaired and I may be being harsh but 70 is not rent is a nominal amount the rent in this area is currently around £500-600 pm I understand he wants to be treated like a adult but the adults I know do not poop all over the bathroom then leave it take to there bed for others to mop up and I can assure you he wouldn't have owned up to it either if he thought he could of blamed it on any one else as when he was confronted he didn't own up from the bat


I tired and sick of his behaviour towards me I get the silent treatment ingnored last week I was trying to ask him about his collage he put on his games console head set and started chatting to Somone wouldn't even akwldoge I was in the room


I am worn out he's not acting like a adult so how can I treat him like one


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You're right he behaves like a toddler so I would just take him to mickey and minnie and pluto and leave him in the tent there to sulk. What else can you do?

Can he move into some sort of supported living? or is he too 'good' for that?


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Other than the weeing in bottles and soiling, it doesn't sound that extreme for a 17 year old. I have a 16 year old who would frankly rather be seen dead than with mum, dad and siblings. If your son is delayed as well then ..... My son has a low tolerance level especially towards his sister - she's ASD and can be tricky. He's better with his brother - also Asd and ADHD but it's a difficult balance.


I wonder if it's an emotional vs chronological vs physical age thing? Not just adopted children with this discrepancy. How old would you say he is emotionally?


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If you think his behaviour has had a downward turn since his gaming started, along with the other implications, like the late nights, poor sleep etc, can you put boundaries around this? Ie: take him off it altogether, or have your internet switch off at 10pm each night, or something similar? My AD, Twirl, is younger (13) but we have seen a significant improvement in her engagement with the family and general attitude since we confiscated her phone and banned all social media. She was constantly being triggered by things she saw on social media (particularly the perception that everyone else was having a great time and her life was c**p). Even out with us doing something she enjoyed, suddenly her attitude would flip into Miss Angry and Nasty, and it would turn out she saw a pic of two girls at school shopping together in Primark or the like, and suddenly her lovely holiday in Cornwall turned itself (in her mind) into the pit of hell in the back of beyond, because they were having fun without her!! Maybe he is struggling with similar feelings, especially if friendships are an issue for him anyway (as they are for Twirl). Or maybe, as someone else has suggested, he is being bullied or groomed, I know that's a scary thought, but he sounds like a vulnerable young man who wouldn't necessarily cope with the bombardment of stuff that life online brings, especially if his difficulties are social and emotional. Is it possible to install some kind of spyware on his console, so you can gather evidence?? We did this to Twirl's phone (before we confiscated it altogether) and it was an eyeopener! I know at 17 he thinks he's an adult, but he's not yet. My 18-year-old BS doesn't have GDD, but he still struggles to put good boundaries around games console use and bedtimes, in particular, and we have had many fraught instances of confiscating the playstation controls at 11pm, or switching off the internet, or other things, in an attempt to teach him the importance of controlling it, rather than letting it control him! None of it was easy or pleasant, and it involved a lot of anger, but I was delighted this week when he said he wanted us to take the playstation away completely at the end of half term, so he doesn't get distracted during his A2s in the weeks ahead. All of that arguing obviously did make some impression on him then - but a year ago I could never have imagined he would say such a thing! Hoping you find some solutions. Love and hugs x


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Hope this doesn't upset you, but could your son, especially if he has GDD, be jealous and resentful of your adopted children, aged 5 and 2 - not sure how long they have been home, but perhaps he feels that they get all the attention and that he 'feels second-best' (even tho' not true) and may wonder why you felt the need to adopt when you had him, and perhaps he is resorting to classic attention-seeking behaviour, even tho' it is negative attention he may be seeking eg - poo all over bathroom.

Not enough experience to know how to resolve, but he could be very resentful of a cute toddler and 5 year-old.

Sending you very best wishes.

xxx


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I wish this could be it however we jave been fostering since he was small and dosent know any diffrent and i was a child minder when he was a baby so hes only known children coming in and out


Tbh this ia about him wanting to be treated like a adult buy acting like a child


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But as you say, those children came and went. These children came and stayed. There's a key difference possibly.


Also think you've identified what the issue may be in your last sentence. The discrepancy between chronological and emotional age. Maybe, as with lots of adopted children, he needs to be parented at his emotional age which would appear to be adrift from his chronological age.


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Yes parent him his emotional age, but at 17 in less than a year society is unlikely to do that....... And he 'functions' in society by having a job and earning money, I bet nobody at his work makes allowences for his special needs, if he would treat his boss in the way he treats his mother he would loose the job, simple. That's why I ask or he could move to some sort of supported living, as there is only so much you can do if you arenot willing to accept agression to the extend of huge damage in the place where you should feel safe. Now it is a door, next time something does not go his way and he hurts someone.


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Work may well make allowances for his special needs. I have a 28 year old working for me. When he arrived in the office 18 months ago I thought something wasn't quite right, One work funded assessment later he now knows he is Aspergers, and we have made quite a number of adjustments to his desk space and the work he does.


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I think it is unlikely a 17 year old with no finished education will have a very serious job where they are facilitating him, but I could be wrong ofcourse...........


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without wishing to get this thread hijacked by one issue, if employers take on someone with additional needs is the first place they will more than likely be disposed to support them appropriately. I know of many people with a wide range of disabilities being supported in the workplace, including young people in McDonalds and the Body Shop.


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One of the big issues were having is his non emotion he often prentends to feel a emtion because the situation demands it more than he actully feels like that


He alao lacks empithey however when hes out of the home he cant do enough and is perfectlly behaved


We alao had issues with taking notes of things we say when were upset with us like some sort of grudge list


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Sounds like alt of ASD/pda traits. Mimicking appropriate emotions or empathy but without really feeling them. Knows what he's supposed to say and do but without really comprehending. Also the revenge/vengeance thing could be him not understanding the adult/parent/child hierarchy.


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I am so glad i posted here we have been suffering ans not knowing who to turn to for support


Thanks


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We found unrine in his room again yesterday so dh has said enough is enough we talked to ds last night and has agreed to come to

The GP with us in two weeks I feel so sad but so happy at the same time


Sad that last night we had to confront ds with his behaviour and how it effects the family and happy because we may be on the cusp of getting support for him


He was emotionaless and pretty much agreed of the bat witch is worrying in itself


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Could I just ask which particular games is he playing and is there one he favours?


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First person shooting games the ones were your wondering round shooting people either on a headset with mates on on your own


Also we discovered hes be watching alot of manga porn witchbis a japanese cartoon style of porn


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Just to add - my son when out of school became a bit obsessed with COD - we tried to take this away and he got very upset claiming it helped him deal with the bullying he was having at school - so it is not necessarily the cause of problems (though it can be) but a symptom (or solution in their eyes)


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Just had a call from collage yesterday saying that as thing stands he is unlikely to even pass the course he's doing a BETEC


He has 6 assignments according to his course manager and the deadline is Friday I asked him last night how many assignments he had before telling him of the phone call he told me he has 1 then he's all done


It's like the truth is very abstract for him


Any who spoke to the course manger again and explained that I am disappointed that they contacted me with this 3 days before the dead line and may have been able to do more 3 months agao or even 3 weeks agao I just not sure what they expected me to say 3 days before we have been trying to gage how he's been doing for months even phoning then but they just tell me he's a adult ask him


Any way told them about the gps appointment on Tuesday and they offered him a extension I am very cross because I asked them not to speak to him until I had been to the doctors because we have no clue what he may say and also would of like to get some advise n how to handle things gurr


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Hi. I work with teens at a college, and am guessing that he might only just passed the btec if he had that many assignments outstanding, or possibly didn't. I spend a lot of time coaching young adults, and whilst i have no experience of gdd, i would say that your son just feels a complete disaster. Either the course was too high a level for him or he had decided in his own mind that engineering wasn't for him - either way he'll not only feel like a failure, but an adolesce with no direction, when everyone else seems to be doing ok. He's thinking f*** it, what's the point? You (parents) wouldn't understand anyway and angry at himself, which results in behaviour being appalling. From my experience with coaching youngsters, he needs an outsider to say 'ok, let's wipe the slate clean, start from the beginning and work out where we go from here'. He needs someone to listen, to believe in him and help him work out what makes him tick and what he loves doing. For instance instead of engineering perhaps games design would be perfect, and geeky (social skills not needed). Time, coaching, a listening ear from you that really believes in him, and a few boundaries round the house and i think you might see a few changes.


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Sorry, just wanted to add that you and your husband are not to blame this is coming from everything that's going on inside of him, even though he will probably blame you. The first thing, i would advise, is to get the communication channels opened up again. Tell him you want to wipe the slate clean and start over. Go, just the two of you, to somewhere neutral like a cafe, walk in the park and just tell him 'what can i do to help you get to where you need/want to be'. That's it, and then start listening. He won't take advice from you, your his mother!!! But at least he knows that you're on his team and listening to him, and actually that's what he needs. He needs you to believe in him no matter what. I know there's loads of advice out there, but hope this helps.


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