test_contentimg

ANY ITALIAN?

Report content

hi!

it's the 1st time i write here..... i live in hertfordshire (but i'm italian) and i've just started the adoption process with my husband;our intention is to adopt some (i hope 2 or 3!) asian children,our dream would be to "save" 2 or 3 brothers/sisters,in order to avoid them to part from each other (anybody is doing the same?).

my question is:is there any italian woman/couple,here,who has started the adoption process?

i would like to shear our adoption experiences.....


up
Be the first user to support this

Yes here - husband British and I'm Italian. Adopted our baby girl a year and a half ago. It was a very competitive match but as our daughter is dual heritage and has slightly darker skin (not italian), the fact that we are a dual heritage couple went in our favour (not the only factor but it made a big difference!). Social worker liked that we understand what it's like to live in Britain but also have a home elsewhere and coming from a different culture.


up
Be the first user to support this

Please be very careful about the language you use. I don't think the idea of 'saving' a child would go down very well with social workers.


up
8 users have supported this.

I can't really comment on adopting a child of a different ethnicity as I haven't done it. Serrakunda is better qualified to respond to that part of your question. You would though be expected to have done a fair amount of research and demonstrate how you would accommodate a child of a different ethnicity/religion and how you would teach and promote that.


I would caution you against attempting to save a sibling group. If a sibling group is to be separated then there will be very good reasons for that. I can understand your desire to keep sibs together - I did similar although in a different way - but it really is not always a positive thing to do. Google trauma bonds.


I would also caution against taking any more than two at one time. Three children are incredibly hard work. My three came separately over the space of 5 years but even that was tough. Not many people express a desire to have triplets which, in effect, is what happens when three arrive together. These children will be traumatized. They'll be hurting. Quite like to have known or unknown additional needs.


Read. A lot. What do you understand about the children in the care system? Their backgrounds? Genetics? What abilities/disabilities do you feel able to manage? Do you have three spare bedrooms? Adoption leave? Factor in that any return to work with three children is likely to be not doable. Childcare experience? Not necessarily babysitting friends and family's securely attached children - but children from more diverse backgrounds, possibly with additional needs. And at the age range you're looking at.


Adoption is a fantastic thing but really isn't about saving a child. It's about therapeutically parenting a grieving, traumatized child. And it's hard work and incredibly stressful!


up
2 users have supported this.

sorry for my word "saving",but.... i have been adopted too and i use to say "i've been saved by my (adopted) parents who let me escape a sad,alone and dark life";they gave me a wonderful life,a loving family,and so many opportunities! i would like to do the same,it would be a dream..... probably the social workers don't like this words,but it is what i've always thought about my life and myself.

anyway,i'm happy 2 know there are italian peolpe,here! is it possible to chat,on this website?

thanx for your answers:every news/information is so precious for me!


up
Be the first user to support this

I assume your husband is asian as you suggest adopting asian children and not Italian children - though you ask about Italian adopters. SWs try to match children as closely as possibly with culture and religion in mind and then if they cannot do that will look more broadly. If you are thinking of a visual match then an ethnically mixed child may be a better match. Parents of asian children being adopted often have a strong religious preferrence too. If your husband is asian the best match would be the same religion and ancestral country of origin although again that is not always possible. If you are looking at a child of a different background from your own it is important to do as much research as possible so you can demonstrate that you would be able to meet this aspect of their needs.


It is early stages though - contact a few agencies and go along to their open evenings and ask as many questions as possible. These boards are a good place to learn too


up
Be the first user to support this

On the issue of adopting an Asian child or children, unless your husband is Asian, you will be quizzed on why you specifically want to adopt a child of a different ethnicity.


Trans racial adoption is still controversial and relatively rare in the UK. I am white mum to a dual heritage child (white/African). It was not my intention when I set out, its just how it happened but there are factors in my background and experience which meant that I have a higher than average appreciation and understanding of racial issues in the UK. It was still no picnic getting approval for our match, even thought my son had been in foster care for four years, has ASD and a learning difficulty, and a 7 year old black boy was in the last chance saloon as far as adoption was concerned. It was still made clear to me that I was only matched because his birth mum was white so to that extent I reflected his ethnicity. If his birth mum had been black and dad white they wouldn't have allowed it.


As an example what do you mean by 'Asian' ? Asian could be Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi, Vietnamese, Cambodian. All very different in terms of culture, religion, language etc etc.


My personal knowledge and experience is Africa, I don't think I would have been confident enough to adopt a Caribbean or Indian child as this is outside my experience.


If your husband is not Asian, be prepared to justify why you want to do this


up
3 users have supported this.

But you might want to reflect that your adoption is likely to be dissimilar to modern day adoption. Today's adoptees are rarely relinquished - more likely to have been taken into care because of neglect, abuse, being the nth child when bm has previously demonstrated that she's not been able to care for her child/ren. Be aware also of the effects of in utero abuse - alcohol, drugs, domestic violence, stress - and the probable poor genetic inheritance.


Some children are more robust, more resilient, not as harmed by their experiences - but regardless this isn't about saving or rescuing a child. And not all children will appreciate that sentiment!


There's a wealth of information on these boards - warts and all. I'd recommend reading through the boards and maybe focus more on age, needs, disabilities and less on choosing a particular ethnicity which, as others have already said, may not be possible anyway. Unless you have specific knowledge and experience of that ethnicity/culture/religion and can demonstrate how you will promote that heritage.


up
4 users have supported this.

Maybe the plan is to adopt intercountry?


up
1 user has supported this.

yes,pluto,intercountry (do u mean to adopt children who r in other countriies' orphanages?),this would be my dream! i have many italian friends who have adopted chinese/african/vietnamnese children and i don't know y it would be so "impossible" 4 me!

moreover,if u c my face,it seems more asian thyan european..... the asian culture (i don't know y) has always been my love!


up
Be the first user to support this

Intercountry adoption is different to domestic adoption. You know that? You're aware that you will have to find an agency who will do your homestudy - not all LAs do - and that you'll have to self fund?


You might also want to check which countries are open to adopt from.


up
1 user has supported this.

Please read up on the issues institutionalised children face. My youngest lived for 6 years in an orphanage, a very damaged child. Nothing to be romantised, no place is as bad as an orphanage to grow up in. As you want a sibling group your oldest will have lived there several years. Do not underestimate the behavioural problems you will have to deal with. Pm me if you want examples of the sort of behaviours seen in older children. If you have no hands on experience with preferable special needs children my advise would be to adopt one child at the time.


up
4 users have supported this.

thank you for all your answers....

i know you are trying to show me the problems/difficulties that i could find if i will adopt brothers/sisters (obviously,only the social workers will allow me or... not),but i've mte so many families in which there are 2 (or more) adoptive children! and i love them!

an italian friend of mine adopted 3 russian brothers (the 1st one was 8 years old when adopted and his twin brothers were 6) and they are great,fantastic,sweet sons! i know them very well.... they remember every single moment of their life in the orphanage:they often talk about those years,about russia,about their school and everytime they say: "mum,dad,please,don't let us go there again! we want to stay here forever with you!";they started to call them "mum and dad" after a few days (even before the adoption process was completed) and that family is really a joy!

but this is not the only one i know:i know the family of 2 children adopted in india (she was 3 and he was 6 and now they are 20 and 23),the family of 2 twins adopted in colombia (now they are 18),i know a collegue of my husband who adopted 2 children from peru.... all these children are loved and no one of them wants to "comeback" to their birth country to look for their biological parents;just the indian friend of mine (she was adopted by italian parents with her brother when they were 3 and 6 years old) sometimes loves to go to india,because she likes that culture and that lifestyle,but her brother hates (he really says "i hate" everytime) india (maybe his memories of that country are like a nightmare);moreover,this very sweet lady has adopted an indian baby girl too,because she wanted her to have the same chances she had years ago.

but these are not the only ones i know....

even a friend of mine has been adopted (with her brother) in brasil many years ago:their adoptive parents had already 2 children,when they decided to adopt them! now it's a family of 4 and no one could understand who is a "biological" child and who is an adoptive one. that's great!

all these families,their endless love,their strenght,their smile in everyday life make me dream to do the same,especially because i have been adopted too and i consider myself a lucky person because of this.... my life would have been so dark and sad without my parents (they are adoptive parents,but i consider them my only parents) and now i wouldn't be who i am!

maybe,i am only a dramer.....

but these families,these stories are real!


up
1 user has supported this.

It is great that you know so many people with uncomplicated adoptions, I know a lot of international adopters with huge problems with their children. I also wonder what will happen if you adopt a child who is desperate to have information about the birth family, who want to meet them and worries about them (my child does), who is not thankfull to be adopted and is openly rejecting you. What will that do to your feelings? to what you believe are the right feelings for an adopted child, as you're adopted yourself this comes really close. What can be good or confronting and extremely difficult.

I think it is great you want to give those children a home, but please do not be blinded by the adopters you know, read about post orphanage syndrome, trauma, fasd, attachment, birth families, ptsd, etc, be prepaired for difficulties and if it all works out fine it's also great you have the knowledge and it might make parenting easier as you observe behaviours carefully and can intervene at an early moment preventing huge problems.


up
4 users have supported this.

pluto,as i have written before,i have been adopted too and everyday i thank god for have been "saved" (i use this word because it is how i feel) by my adoptive parents,who i consider my only parents;all the families with adopted children i know are happy,really happy and thankful for the great gift of adoption.... i'm sure that some children could have problems/traumas,but i think that love,care and a forever family could heal every wound.... i think that every problem that these children can have disguise their deep need of love,family,stability,their human need of protection,care.... i can talk as an adoptive daughter:every fear,every kindness an abandoned child tries to receive come of a need of "forever",a need of "please,don't go away","don't let me alone";the only dream they (like it was mine!) have is to belong to a family and i think probably some problems could be possible when the adults are not able to understand this deep need they have (it's just a thought:the reason could be 1000,but this could be 1 of the possible ones) and/or are not able to interpret their behaviours (it's not very easy,i know!),their "i want to be important,i want to trust you,i need to know youl'll be forever in my life,i want you to love me and i'm afraid of being alone again!"

what do you think about this?

sorry for my (still not perfect) english:i'm trying to improve it!


up
Be the first user to support this

Please don't use the word 'saved' when you're talking to a sw. They're unlikely to see it as you do. I don't know your background or why you were placed for adoption - but can I assume that your bm didn't drink while pregnant. Didn't do drugs whilst pregnant. Didn't have mental health problems? A violent partner so a difficult, stressful pregnancy? Because this is where today's adoptees generally come from.


So. Are you adopting internationally? Or domestically? What do you understand about the cultures of the children you dresm of?


And do I think love is enough? No. I don't I'm afraid.


If you're adopting domestically then children aren't abandoned. They're removed and taken into care.


And yes, on the whole, most adopters here are fully aware of therapeutic parenting. We do understand the needs of our children. We do the training. The reading. The researching. We learn about ADHD, ASD, fasd, mental illness - we're a pretty educated bunch really.


It's great that what you want to do something altruistic but maybe you need to do some reading about adoption today - it's not all hearts and flowers, love doesn't fix all. And not every wound will be healed by having a loving family!


Maybe start thinking about the cold, hard facts - where are you going to start? Domestic or intercountry? Which country? Is that country open to U.K. Adoption? Etc etc.


up
4 users have supported this.

obviously,i don't know if my birth mother had problems while pregnant (actually,i'm not interested in it),if she made use of drugs or if she had mental health problems.... however,all the families i've talked about before are families that have adopted now and not 50 years ago.... i know very well every1 of them,because they're friends or relatives..... maybe,they have been lucky,i don't know.... it would be such a strange coincidence,but this is what i know and i see around me. every family i have talked about has adopted children born in far continents (asia,africa or south america) and all the children i have met are happy and (finally!) peaceful.

just recently (1 year ago),a close friend of my cousin,with his wife,has adopted 3 brothers from africa:now they live in rome and that family is very happy ,though these children lived in an orphanage for many years (the 1st child was 8 years old when adopted)

i don't know if all these are coincidences.... i really don't know.


up
Be the first user to support this

I am not really sure what you are looking for, from us. You seem to be asking what we think about your adoption plans , and folks here are suggesting you some good advice about stuff to know about , , but you seem to remain convinced that love will heal everything. And at one point you were suggesting that if it does not, then that is possibly due to lack of understanding or correct action by adoptive parents. The people you know all seem to have been extraordinarily fortunate so you have no examples of anything else to contrast it with. On this forum are people who know that, no matter how good an adoptive parent they are, they cannot fix there children completely. Brain damage is not healed by having a loving family , not do some of the effects of trauma or lack of care and relationships at a crucial young age. ( such brains can show up as smaller than average on a scan)

I have two adopted kids, they have made massive progress over the years and are a joy to me and other people look on with envy, and I would say , if asked , that this is a successful happy adoption story, but that does not mean they have no issues caused by their experiences before they came to me. And I had to research those issues and am glad we had good prep classes from social work and supportive schools and social workers and family / friends . All the adopters I know would say similarly. I have no experience of interracial adoption or adoption from other countries, so cannot say if it is different and all is happiness and light, but I suspect not, so I would say educate yourself, especially try to find a forum with these types of adopters ( it's commoner in the USA) and ask them what they advise.

Best Wishes

Pingu


up
7 users have supported this.

The sign of great parenting is not the child's behaviour.


The sign of truly great parenting is the parents behaviour.


Andy Smithson


up
5 users have supported this.

Gosh never realised if I would love more all my child's problems would disappear. I can tell you from my experience that it does not work that way, I feel offended because you suggest my child is so challenging because I do not love him enough.

I start to think that you might have some unresolved issues yourself as you're so set in your opinion and issues are swept of the table as if they do not exist. Adoption is about gaining but also about a lot of loss, your child might experience the loss side intensely. Are you going to feel rejected if they say they love their birth mother and want to meet her. Are you going to feel deeply hurt if they say 'I did not ask to be adopted, you're not my real mother anyway'.

I advise you to look very seriously at your romantised view of adoption.


up
9 users have supported this.

I'd say it is impossible that none of the adoptive families you know have any issues at all with their children. Either you have rose - tinted spectacles on or the families themselves are covering up a lot.


I find the word 'happy' misleading in general - happy about what exactly? Are they happy because they laugh and play? Because they love their adoptive parents? Because they have had successes in life?


My two are 'happy' in all those ways but they both have (very differing) issues arising from their adoptive status and neither would say they were 'happy' to be adopted. Frankly they wish they weren't - that's no reflection on us as parents or the life they have had with us, but a deep seated sorrow about their pasts (which neither has any conscious memory of, since they have lived with us since they were babies / toddlers.)


Also we intended to adopt a sibling group of 2 initially but ended up having two separately, 6 years apart. Knowing what I know, I wouldn't want to go back in time and have two placed together. These children benefit so much from (and need) a massive amount of individual attention from their parents. Mine are adolescents now but juggling their different needs still has its tricky moments and most of the time they either ignore / avoid each other or bicker with each other. It's rare that they happily do something together or even agree on a TV programme to watch. It's OK, we can deal with it but it's not the 'happy' family life you might be imagining.


up
4 users have supported this.

I totally agree with Milly - and was going to post something along the same lines - children often appear happy to outsiders and outsiders often do not understand the complexities of what is going on or know what to look for. If I tell anyone anything about what my daughter is going through they find it really hard to believe - they also cannot see the level of anxiety and that she is suffering from significant depression - how she presents does not meet their stereotype of this. She only mixes socially on the odd occassion and only for as long as she can manage to keep up the mask. This includes medical professionals too by the way. She has complex learning difficulties too but people often see her as "bright" because of her bubbly personality. She is good at hiding things too herself and fabricating stories about her situation.


up
2 users have supported this.

thanks for all yuour opinions/advices:every1 of them is very precious for me! as i've already written here,i'm in contact with many italian adoptive parents too and i'm trying to understand/know everything is possible about adoption.

i'm sure i'm wrong about many sides of adoption (i'm going to start the process),but all i know is about the families i know and about.... myself (i mean about what i feel as an adoptive aughter)!

thanx for all your answers!


up
1 user has supported this.