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Anxiety

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Well, it's great to have this new thread! Well done, Adoption UK!


I'm feeling sad, anxious and full of trepidation. A brief resume of my situation. I am a single adopter and I adopted my two children, a brother and sister aged 7 and 6, twenty four years ago. They are now aged 31 and 30. My AS and his then girlfriend, later his wife, had their first child when he was only 18 years old. She was a bit older. They were a very vulnerable couple. My AS suffers from ADHD and FAE. He had been abused and neglected. My daughter in law was one of eight children. All had been taken into care. Her mother is a very antisocial person with criminal tendencies. My DIL is a carbon copy. When the baby was born I was very concerned about their ability to care for her. I alerted the hospital midwifery team to my concerns. Despite not coping with the baby, my DIL became pregnant again very quickly. I sent a 7 page report to the Child Protection Team at the social work office detailing all my concerns. A nursery place was allocated to the first child but the parents failed to take it up. They then had a third child. Needless to say, the concerns mounted. Social workers were involved by now. The three children went into care twice and were returned home. The third time they went into care, they remained in care.


Then my son and DIL had another baby. I was consulted by the guardian about my views. I recommended that the baby should go for adoption. I said it would be a gamble to let it go home with them. The baby was adopted. She got pregnant again. The baby went into care at birth. I expected that it would again go for adoption. However at this point a new, naive social worker came on the scene. She thought they had been badly treated. Also Children's Panel Members and Sheriffs were finding it difficult to keep removing their children. The parents were sent on parenting classes, saw psychologists, they attended groups and they frequently visited the baby in foster care. She returned home to them at one year old, a lovely little girl. At first things went OK. Then my DIL became pregnant again and a year ago they had another baby. He stayed with them. The little girl is 3 years old. But things are going downhill again. My son got employment six months ago and he works long hours. My DIL is therefore the main parent. She is a terrible, hopeless mother. She fits the criteria for an antisocial personality disorder. The little girl is not doing well. Both children have just been referred to a Children's Hearing, on grounds of lack of parental care. I read the papers at the week end. All the concerns relate to my DIL, none to my son. But he loyally sticks by her. I can envisage the future. The children will be placed on supervision, with conditions. My DIL has proved over the years that she is not capable of changing. So, at some point, I believe that the decision will be taken to remove the children from their care, permanently. There will be no second, third or fourth chances. In view of their ages, I would expect the children to be placed for adoption. This would undoubtedly be in their best interest.


But the cycles and the sadness go on. My son will be heartbroken. My DIL has no understanding and she accepts no responsibility. I think it highly likely that she will keep having babies, like her mother, and that each in turn will be removed. And I am having to face the probability that I shall lose contact with these grandchildren too. There are losses and a sense of bereavement all round.


Lily


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(((((((lily))))))


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Oh Lily, that is such a sad, tragic story. I'm so sorry for the children, for your son and for the impact it is clearly having on you.


Do you have much involvement with your granddaughter? My kids were treated awfully, but our PAS is very sure that someone had a good attachment to my AD and showed her unconditional love, because she should be in a far worse place than she is, having been in her horribly abusive birth home until she was 7. We're all pretty sure that it was her maternal grandmother, and I am so grateful for that. I wanted to tell you this, because, despite what you are going through yourself, I'm sure that any involvement you are having is doing some good, even if, very sadly, your granddaughter ends up with a new family, and the cycle begins again.


It is so heartbreaking to read your experiences, and I wish I could be of more practical help.


Take care of yourself,

Haven xx


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This must be all of our worse nightmares for the future. There seems to be no answer but you truly have my best wishes and understanding. Keep positive we know you have done your best and sometimes that is all we can do. Some things in life are not fair and we can not change them no matter how hard we try! x


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Lily

I am so sorry to read this. The saga of your DIL is so sad, and will perhaps go on and on. My heart goes out to you.

You have tried so hard over the years, there is probably nothing more you can do for them.

Please look after yourself.

Janie2 xx


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Thank you so much for your kind replies. It means a lot. I had a frantic phone call from my DIL today. It seems the social workers are recommending removal of the children into care at the Children's Hearing. I have said I will not go to the Hearing with them as requested. She is furious. I have said they need to consult a lawyer. The reality is that the older child should never have been returned to their care. And the little boy should also not have stayed with them.


I feel very ambivalent. I feel very sad since I do not expect to see the children again. I have made my last visit to them. But I also feel quite exhilarated to know that the children will very soon be removed from the care of my DIL. All she does is cause terrible harm. I think the little girl will be transformed in foster care. I would expect them to very quickly go for adoption. I think they are young enough to have better lives.


My heart goes out to my AS. He has always cared deeply for his children but has been dominated by his wife. I hope he will be able to continue working. I wonder if she will sabotage it, as she has done in the past, since she is incapable of managing on her own.


Lily


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Hi lily I'm so sorry to read that they've not managed to maintain any positive parenting between them. You know that our son partridge has a very similar sort of gf and again has stayed with her despite her awful behaviours. At this time there are no babies but we are dreading the time. Hm. I do think boundarying your involvement with their circumstances is wise. Please take your time to feel alive yourself through all this. Partridge is 22 now and like your son has had to take a bit of responsibility in life. Painful to watch happen everytime, when you always hope that maybe they might have learned


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One thing I do not understand is why would you loose contact with the children? When my oldest was placed the whole family was asked or they wanted contact with him, even people who never met him. Everyone said 'yes please we love him', I said fine but they write first (I have nothing to prove) still waiting ten plus years down the line but that's another story. You could even ask a contact order.

All very sad and scary to see how one individual (bm of son) who probably was drinking can cause damage generations down the line. We all hope as adopters by us the circle will be broken, it must be so hard to stand back and see those things unfold. I admire your ability to stay supportive to your son, not running out of empathy, I don't know or I could do that.


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Gentle hugs to you

Johanna x


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oh lilly so sorry to read this ((((()))))


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I thought I would write an update. The children stayed with my son and DIL until very recently. There were Children's Hearings and court cases. The concerns were mainly for the little girl, then 3 years old, now just turned 4. I found it difficult to develop any relationship with the child. When I visited she would be invariably playing games on a mobile phone and not much interested in anything else. One of the parenting concerns had always been lack of stimulation. To my horror the 1 year old was then also given a mobile phone to play with! Concerns came from the nursery about the little girl's behaviour. She was extremely aggressive, both towards other children and towards staff. She also kept swearing in a very worrying way. Other incidents were reported about my DIL's behaviour from a visiting gas man and the health visitor. A family meeting was set up and I offered to work towards having the older child at weekends. This started and I had her on two Saturdays accompanied by one of her parents. The days went well and were illuminating. I saw behaviour I had not seen before. From my observations I think it is highly likely that the child suffers from ADHD and I suspect she also suffers from Tourette's Syndrome. I also had observed a worrying incident in their home when the little girl was very aggressive towards her baby brother. I flagged my concerns with the social worker. I wrote my own report for the Children's Hearing and recommended that the child be assessed by a specialist. The social worker was wanting the children to go into care. I thought she was very naive as she seemed to believe that, if the children were removed from their home environment, they would do very well in foster care and all the problems would magically disappear. From what I had seen I did not believe this. Anyway the decision was taken to place the children in a foster placement together. In light of the information I had given, they went to specialist foster carers. It was assumed to be a short term placement while the parents did a special parenting course, saw the psychologist etc. The little girl attended a nursery close to the foster parents' home. The nursery soon started to complain about her behaviour, the marked aggression. Last week the foster parents demanded that she be removed and said they could not go on. The foster mother felt she was in danger and the baby brother too. So the little girl has been moved. She is an indescribably beautiful child. She could be a model. But so disturbed. I suspect they will not be returning home again. I also doubt that the little girl could be adopted. I think her future is bleak.


It is all so sad. I have to emotionally distance myself from it all. Three months ago I adopted a little rescue dog from Romania. She has given me a new focus and challenge. My AD, who adores animals and has two dogs, helps me a lot. The little dog may be getting a companion from a refuge in Thailand. The animals have become substitute grandchildren!


Lily x


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Oh lily so sorry to hear all of this.

As you say it is just beyond sad. So many damaged lives!

But I have seen enough of your posts to know that you gave your all and have much to be proud of as a mum .

I am sorry for your continued pain and for your children and grandchildrens. I hope that little girl finds a good foster placement where she can begin th move forward .

Sending love and best wishes xxx


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So very sad to read your post Lily - how very painful for you to go through this and to see the impact on yet another generation. Hope you have some good support as it must be very hard for you to keep your emotional distance under such distressing circumstances. Glad at least your little dog is giving you some more positive focus.


Thinking of you and sending gentle hugs across the miles.


Mx


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So sorry lily, I have followed your posts for several years now and, from one grandmother to another, lots of hugs and support Sad


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Hi Lily

You have done what you can and you have made valid observations and passed them on to protect the children. Your love has given you strength to do this.

It is painfully sad to accept that the children may not go home and that the future of the little girl is so uncertain. Hopefully she will get a diagnosis and a chance of a fulfilling future.

I am glad you have your rescue dog to fill your days and that your daughter is close to you and shares this interest

As you say, you have to emotionally distance yourself from the situation around the children. I have had to distance myself from a situation around our former foster daughter because involvement would drain me and there is so much still to do for our next generation ... In effect her grandchildren.

I wish there was wider understanding in society of MH conditions and resources to cope.

Hugs and support to you Lily


Johanna xx


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