Angry, insecure child - first post, advice needed
Hi, I am a mum to two wonderful boys, one a birth child (my eldest) and one an adopted son (3,5years younger). I love them both as if they were both birth children but my adopted son has many more behavioural issues. It has been a rocky road with AS and he has some real anger issues. He has been with us for 6,5 years now and it has got a bit better but he is now 9, and still has major meltdowns over seemingly minor things. It is so that it is actually affecting our family as a whole. His behaviour is affecting his brothers attitude towards him (not wanting to play with him) and our relationship with him (we feel we are constantly having to discipline him). AS has a tendency to hit if things are not going his way. When he is punished for this (i.e. Tablet etc taken off him), he goes into a complete meltdown. Screaming for his tablet, saying everyone hates him, it's always him that gets into trouble, everyone else is perfect etc etc. He struggles to calm down and this can go on for well over an hour, sometimes 2. He also cries at anything little thing, normally 3-4 times a day. We try and sympathise and if he's hurt then of course it's ok to cry, but it's also if ive said no to a biscuit if dinner is nearly ready etc. Like younger kids do. He is very insecure also. He constantly copies his older brother with literally everything (much to the annoyance of my BS) with picking clothes, toys at the shop, what they are drawing, list to Santa, food. We try and help him and steer him gently in a different direction. I've explained him to that I don't want two BS's. I want a BS and an AS because I love AS very much. I want to help him develop his own identity (for his own sake as well as his brothers). He is also often either being too obedient (I love you mummy, you are the best mummy in the world about 20 times a day) or being disobedient and angry and feeling the world is against him. There is no happy medium and I'm not sure how else to help him at the moment. He really struggles also to amuse himself and hovers constantly with either his brother or me. I have special AS time where we play games, read books etc, but when I'm cooking etc I sometimes ask him to go into his room to play just until dinner is ready. He often gets upset at this and feels hard done by but I can't be round him 24/7. He constantly interrupts all conversations with everyone but particularly if I am chatting to my BS. AS loves his big brother (I think) but also very jealous at the same time. AS has lots of hobbies (athletics, horse riding, football) and is only really happy when he has constant attention and company. He seeks attention when BS has friends round - he shows off then gets up upset when they don't want to play with him anymore as he is showing off too much. He is also a very bright little boy, but can say the silliest, most nonsense things, particularly when he is nervous, which even his own friends laugh at. I'm desperate to help him become more secure in himself and to stop being so angry with everyone. We shower them both with love but unfortunately he does get told off more as his misbehaves more. Any advice welcome. Apologies for the long post.