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The Adoptive Revolutionary front (2nd edition)

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A few years back, I started a thread called the ARF. All the adoptees are known as ARF Agents. All the grown ups- enemy (En1 normally mum and En2 most often Dad but hey, use whatever you feel is ok!) The idea is to have as much fun as possible writing about the various activities you and the ARF get up to in military terms in as funny terms as you can. Other wording like school is bootcamp, erm SCUM Is services cost us money (they infiltrate everythng with services in the title) MESS is kitchen MASH medical services Each new ‘activity’ is logged in the fabled ‘ARF Handbook’ which has yet to arrive in most ARF encampments as most ENs haven’t a clue what’s coming next!


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Late night report from EN1. En2 has headed to the bunker for snoozes and once more EN1 is awake on century duties.

The ARF Agents Partridge & Blossom have departed the camp and currently reside elsewhere. However their lengthy combat experience bothers en’s brain so late night century duty is altogether more common than it probably should be

Non Arf Pip is from birth child brigade. She is now 10 having had a zap of ‘im growing up’ standard issue hormones ENs are starting to feel the heat of ‘normal pre teen angst’

Thus far this has involved lots of ‘stomping about and having a stropper alotter when asked to turn her music down’

En1 would like to ask if any other similar action has been noted in birth child or ARF Agents as it seems to provide endless entertainment for young agents and make ENs highly annoyed within ... well if it’s one direction... seconds....

Would like to commend all camps in their sterling work supporting their ARF


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Correction for the log....Sentry not century....-although sometimes it feels long!


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PS also wondering how Camps are managing the upcoming seasonal festivities. ENs here are drasticAlly short of the required spondoolies. Plans of strategic saving & homemade items of festive loveliness have not provided the hoped for peace and goodwill within the camp. Instead the global call ‘just put it on the sodding plastic!’ Has been heard within the camp.

If ENs elsewhere have a haul of spondoolies they wish to relocate to central funds, please let en pear tree know immediately


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MET Office camp reporting here! There have been many severe weather warnings in recent weeks and camp has had to resort to battening down the hatches and riding out the storm more than once.


Operation Peaceful Festivities is currently being planned and intelligence is being gathered from the local area surrounding the MET Office camp in preparation for a pre-emptive strike against known premises containing items which are highly explosive when in the vicinity of ARF agents. These items cause much internal damage to the ARF and wreak chaos and destruction to all personnel in contact with ARF agents.


These non regulation items include distracting glowing bulbs, camouflaged trees and messages or countdowns to upcoming festivities. These items are not authorised for use until 08.00 on 20.12.2017 therefore any premises displaying them are acting against the express orders of EN Headquarters. Suggestions for removal are welcome and action will be taken as a matter of urgency before the ARF is infiltrated and spontaneously combusts.


Once the pre-emptive strike has been successfully completed, Operation Peaceful Festivities can once more be initiated.


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Report from creative camp, agent Sticky is coming down of a party supplied sugar high, compounded by the same affliction suffered by agent Pip of the hormone variety.


EN1 did not appreciate the early morning wake up bugle call, known as the bedroom door banging, heard at 5:45, this was followed by agent triggering camp security alarm as she went on MESS tent rummage for supplies.


EN2 slept through all early morning manovers and has only just woken up.


EN1 is hoping that a trip to the local religious establishment will calm agent and allow EN1 some time to catch up on missing R&R.


As for operation seasonal festivity EN1 is waiting for agent sticky’s annual meltdown and as this years will be accompanied by hormones will probably be more explosive than 5th November.


Good luck to all ENs.


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Camp Penguin posting in.

EN1 organised raid of local NAAFI for festive supplies yesterday but beat tactical retreat for rethink of strategy on discovering the number of spondoolies require for personal greeting cards and desired presents.

ARF agent 1 on MASH duties assisting an ill friend with ill parents, while ARF agent 2 regards base camp duties such as " please would you stick your school bag out of the way so it's not a trip hazard" as cruelty to agent and designates the request worthy of a huge strop and much insubordination.

We have managed not to see SCUM for a while, thankfully, let's hope that continues.

Sending greetings to all ARF camps out there, both those enjoying peaceful leave in Paris, and those presently in the trenches under fire.


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he he he or ho ho ho ...sorry Met camp, Calendar camp reporting, all our ARF are billeted elsewhere but are in regular communications with base camp....normally asking for spondoolies or babysitting duties. EN2 has invited all 3 agents, their other halfs and children for the festive holiday.....EN1 wants to tell him to FOCUS...but he loves his grandsons and wants to make sure they are safe and well, en1 will bite tongue and cook.....pigs in blanket anyone.


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Welcome salutes, flag waving and regimental bugle tooting to fellow MET office camp, under siege.


Spontaneous combustion of Agents is best avoided, although some minor explosions are to be expected under such heavy seasonal fire.


Even if MET camp avoids running the gauntlet of the dreaded rations supplier in person, the incendiary festive music in optical awareness entertainment panels provide plenty of AGent ARF power.


WARNING TO ALL CAMPS


(Especially to ones with teen or indeed young adult ARF varieties) Arf partridge is known for his erm ‘unique’ interpretation of the term ‘personal hygiene’....

Last night ENs enjoyed the visual entertainment panel and observed a programme named QI. Arf Agents enjoyed watching this in the past.

During this activity, ENs giggled and amazed gasps were heard and then, then, disaster struck. En1 had, at the start of programme, smoke signalled Agent that Qi was on in case he wished to engage himself .


Adopt brace position.


QI revealed there is a WORLD RECORD for the worlds stinkiest man. Current holder hasn’t washed for 60 yrs and the runner up for 40.


....ENs can’t wait to hear Agent Partridge’s New Years resolution...


Orchard camp about to attempt operation ‘get ready for ecclesiastical mission’

ALL Prayers for application of soap upon Agent gratefully received


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Delighted to welcome creative, penguin and Calendar camps to the ARF log.


Waves of encouragement and salutes to all battling valiantly in their camps with the beloved ARFs


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Ecclesiastical mission abandoned by creative camp, agent Sticky decided correct uniform for such mission would be desert uniform, of vest t-shirt and shorts, when EN1 suggested a more suitable warm wear, agent Sticky went to practise bedroom camouflage training under the duvet. When EN2 suggested agent adopted EN1 uniform requirements, agent Sticky then became camps own air raid siren with levels reaching beyond dog hearing.


EN1 has retired to MESS to have rations of porridge and tea, EN2 is monitoring agent from the safety of the office bunker next to agents bunk room.


EN1 is counting the minutes, until she leaves camp to join other ecclesiastical ladies this afternoon, to make decorations for ecclesiastical building and partake of sessional warmed alcohol and seasonal sweet pies. EN2 is hoping agent Sticky has calmed down by this point.


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EN1 (and only) reporting in from Hundred Acre Wood. Reporting ArF agent calm and apprantely coping. However, EN1 planning manoeuvres on several fronts in coming weeks. 1) Counselling commences soon to hopefully counter some of the damage done by separation from and lack of contact with other ArF agents from same regiment. 2) General preparations for Annual festivities complicated for us by addition of birthday, one week prior to Christmas (double the fun but somehow more than double the stress etc) advanced mission and careful detailed manoeuvres required. 3) En evening at ArF daytime containment camp. ArF agent appears to cope well in containment camp however progress is not what it should be and containment officer somewhat challenging. 4) preparation for annual containment camp visit (day out) to the hugely appropriate Harry Potter world! EN1 still recovering (wounded but ultimately triumphant) from battle with containment camp for permission to escort ArF agent to enemy territory.


Today’s operational manoeuvres include visit to festive party for all local ArF agents and EN’s hopefully to allow ArF agents to burn off energy and EN’s to swop military tactics.


EN1 from Hundred Acre Wood signing out for now.


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Hi fellow ARF. En 1 currently residing and supposedly studying in Scotland declined to join in festive activities then changed mind but the controller of the funding - moi- can no longer afford the fares due to increase in costs.

En2 ensconced n his room battling whatever on his PC.

En3 AWOL and currently no contact allowed.

And non ARF 3 currently moving back to base camp with gf in tow. So furniture re arrange is in place.

Off to feed the hordes now.


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Good afternoon all camps

Regulation frog march around the chilly tundra after ecclesiastical mission and rations completed. En1 has downed 3 yes 3 cuppas and has discovered a disaster in the ration dept

Yes dear comrades. ‘Someone’ has eaten the camp rations of sweet seasonal pies of which creative camp reports an abundance of. Suspect En2 has taken more than his ration to consume along with other campers of the blokey mates variety, en1 has woefully complained of lack of code ‘fair share’ All campers looked suitably sheepish. Have given En2 formal warning of court martial if further supplies evaporate on the ‘having the lads over for a bit’ evening or instruction to replenish stocks speedily.


Delighted to welcome 100acrewood camp to rank and file. Impressive activity plans ahead. Medal awarded for valiant struggle with bootcamp sgt major and achieving holy grail of ‘Harry Potter trip’


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Camp Fruitcake had an alarming morning. We somehow missed reveille and surfaced late to an eerie calm. Had the nuclear holocaust occurred, miraculously leaving Camp Fruitcake an island of calm amidst world desolation? Or had it just snowed? En2 was heard to mutter in his best John Wayne voice, "I don't like it - it's too quiet". A brief recce from our bunker revealed business as usual in the outside world. No nuclear devastation and not a speck of snow; just neighbouring troops sluicing their tanks and pottering off to the garage for their dispatches as per usual.


Then light dawned amidst the diminishing pool of grey cells still remaining in Ens' addled brains. A full one third of the troops were missing, absent on distant manoeuvres code-named "sleepover"! We are familiar with the phenomenon that the absence of one troop member only, it doesn't matter who, radically reduces ambient sound to the extent of being positively spooky. In our lulled state, we had temporarily forgotten the distant deployment.


As for operation Seasonal Festivities, the Fruitcakes are I am afraid loftily unsympathetic to other camps' complaints of December birthdays. We have 4 yes FOUR birthdays in December - En2 and 3 Arfs. Ho, ho, ho. Not.


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Saluting hellos to camp Ham and all her agents either present and correct or awol. Hope operation ‘feed the masses’ successful, it will be lovely when ds4 and gf are actually in.


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Camp ham is not happy as oven keeps turning down the temperature I think the AWOL en3 has called for back up from the gremlins to play mischief on us .


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camp chaos has no agent in situ - just double agent K9 and three feline agents - but POW is still kept on high alert with missions of agent chaos and ex romeos 1 and 2 - new interesting times ahead - double agent K9 had a surprise attack from nasty big dog who almost disposed of wee dog - luckily animal MASH saved the day with lifesaving surgery - feline numbers diminished - 3 have decamped over the front line to next street ( all ginger boys) leaving 3 girls - one very ancient 20 year old in the numbers


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Good to receive roll call from camp chaos.

Ens In pear tree orchard can report the demise of long lived ginger stripy kitty in the summer. At the start of bootcamp, new teeny tiny kitten feline Agent arrived In camp. High level diplomatic negotiations opened with camp canine and several weeks of hissing and hiding in, canine agent and tiny fuzz ball kitten have become friends. Sadly the huge black and white possibly half panther kitty has taken against tiny fuzz ball kitten. Much hissing growling and more growling from 8yr old established cat has heralded his departure from camp, apart from regular trips to the kitty food bowl for the adored whiskers pouch.

Eye watering level of spondoolies in pet insurances but having read of recent troubles in camp chaos, rather glad we’ve got it!


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Camp Tokoloshe in relatively good shape, ARF agent Oyster no longer being permanently in camp.


However, said agent attended weekend manoeuvres with EN and small sister agent and a code 'good time' was, remarkably, had by all. EN very concerned as past 2 visits for weekend manoeuvres have raised possibility that agent Oyster has code 'grown up a bit' - EN shocked to return to camp after Saturday morning expedition to find said agent had spontaneously and without direct orders code 'done the housework'. On Sunday agent Oyster appointed self as NCO of camp and commanded small sister agent to code 'help with the washing up'.


EN went to lie down in a darkened room to recover.


Agent Shrimp - small sister agent - is undergoing extensive operations code 'assessments' in attempt to acquire alphabet soup of diagnoses.


EN and agent Shrimp in final few days on overseas assignment, and preparing to return on leave to Blighty. Possibility camp will relocate in next couple of years :o


Agent Oyster preparing to meet camp of origin in shape of code 'birth father'. Telephonic communications have been established. EN engaged in operation 'smile benignly and don't get involved'.


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Concerned to hear of scarcity in camp ham... :O


https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/nov/26/spaniards-face-ham-shortag...


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Camp Nest reporting in. Agent Sqk is in a remarkably calm patch given the impending Operation Festivities. Although last month the camp would have reported very differently - annual anniversary of Agent Sqk joining Camp Nest which led to lack of code sleep in basecamp and distinct daily reports from bootcamp and temporary basecamp of 'incidents'. However current bootcamp officer reports that Agent Sqk is on course to meet expected expectations at end of year and bootcamp higher officer has submitted request to SCUM for that EHCP thingy.


Over weekend Agent Sqk managed to deal with EN1 being at the dreaded paid expeditions for 6 hours on Saturday - EN2 remarked he had done very well. EN1 spent some time yesterday making cake for Operation Festivities after EN2 had cooked Sunday dinner. Agent Sqk is currently waiting to start 'assessment' to get his own alphabet soup of diagnoses and ENs are planning relocation once that pesky EHCP is in place. Relocation necessary due to EN2's long commute to paid expeditions so less time with the agent but all parties agreed we need to make sure we find right bootcamp and temporary basecamp before we relocate.


Agent Sqk has joined new thing called Beavers and is loving it - EN1 has found herself becoming an assistant officer there as well as being a Brownie officer in other organisation. The agent is also doing really well at swimming so ENs happy as progress is being seen. Now to see it we can navigate this period up to Operation Festivities less painfully than in past - bootcamp officer is well aware of the issues having had another agent in class two years ago. Agent Sqk's two sergeants are also aware of the potential for it to all kick off and are managing containment well.


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Met camp is in need of repair to, and reinforcement of, the hatches after Agent Hurricane whipped up repeated stormy weather systems. EN not certain whether the storm force has blown over or if it is merely the calm before yet another storm.


Agent Tsunami currently being a Conscientious Objector and refusing to join Storm battalion. EN curious and more than a little surprised by this change in usual activity and is pondering why this could be...


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Camp Grockle reporting from the Wild West Country. More stormy weather here.... ARF Agent Numpty (18) has returned from foray into local area (was AWOL for a day 'staying with friends') and needs immediate immersion into a very deep container of hot water and copious application of the dreaded 'showergel', requests for Agent Numpty to remove appendage coverings (socks) and immediately insert said coverings into washing device were met with expected scorn and insubordination. Agent Numpty has retired to pit (known as bed to EN1 & EN2) still wearing said coverings (wet and stinky!)


ARF Agent Know It All (16) currently also in pit as unwell and not fit for combat. Cessation of hostilities due to indisposition but battle will be sure to be commenced as soon as Agent Know It All back to full combat fitness.


EN1 has just been told that she will be made redundant from her part-time job due to imminent retirement of directors, consequently spondoolies will be in short supply around the up-coming festive season.


Warning to all other Camps..... expect reports of loud explosions from Camp Grockle when full disclosure is made to ARF agents in the near future, suggest all other camps within a 50 mile radius of the West Country issue suitable approved ear defenders and hard hats to all operatives due to imminent fall-out.


EN2 suffering with extremely debilitating viral illness, possibly terminal (he has a cold), expect Agents to fall prey to same.


Camp Grockle over and out


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Camp SWest1 here. ARF agent Attitude is gearing up to exceed previous levels of exceptional language use as festive season approaches. Unsuspecting reinforcements successfully identified, as EN1 is single (and lacks emotional energy to change status).


ARF agent Attitude has recovered successfully from self-induced sickness when stole money to buy megapacks of sweets for night-time consumption. 3 hour round-trip and absence from work for EN1 to recover agent not appreciated, resulting in minor disagreement, now resolved. Ongoing Conflict continues over refusal to leave camp for normal festive activities.


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Status report from Camp Grockle.... at approx 22.00 hours yesterday evening Agent Numpty informed EN1 & EN2 of imminent unscheduled departure from Camp Grockle. Said departure is occurring at approx 17.00 hours today, Agent N has packed kit bags and is expecting military escort to unspecified location in nearest town (can you see a problem here... EN1 is expert navigator but a clue would be helpful!). When EN2 raised concerns re Mess Tent and Rations, was informed by Agent N that 'we were making a fuss'. As spondoolies (aka Universal Credit) doesn't arrive in Agent N's bank account until 3rd Dec I can forsee a hunger problem arising. Offers from EN1 and EN2 to visit Ration Store (supermarket) to provide Emergency Ration Packs were met with a big fat negative.


Was expecting fall-out from Agent Know It All who is now fully restored to combat fitness, but was surprised when news was treated with a raised eyebrow and the comment 'I give him 2 weeks before he's back!'


Agent N informed that admittance to Camp Grockle will be allowed at any time should he decide that sofa-surfing is not a good thing and that no military court martial will take place


Further updates will follow as situation unfolds


Camp Grockle over and out


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Creative camp reporting in, meeting held this week with training experts at training camp, agent sticky is practising siren noises and stamping of feet during training sessions and has taken to negative behaviour with her own special training person.


At base camp, sticky has decided that the use of wooden uniform storage is no longer required and the floor of bunkroom is ok for uniform storage. Also large amounts of water have been stored around the room, ENs 1&2 are unsure why as water is not needed.


Agent sticky has started to train feline camp member in agent tactics and has had some success, as this morning feline camp member brought feathered non camp member in for breakfast. EN1 was not amused as was trying to agent sticky and herself out to school meeting. Feline trainee agent is now in small Metal prison, awaiting long term sentencing. Agent sticky was greatly amused by present and asked if we could keep it!


EN2 is on covert mission tonight, with other EN2s to enjoy beverages of the pint variety, EN1 is expecting rebellion by agent, so have secured rations of the chocolate and wine variety to help suvive.


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Situation report from Camp Grockle


Agent N is back in barracks following abortive attempt at removing said self to alternative accommodation (friends flat), telephonic communication received yesterday at approx 1600 hrs requesting military transport back to home barracks. Request granted, small attempt made by EN1 & 2 to ascertain reason for return to base camp, reason given by Agent N was that another flat member 'had a hissy fit'. No further comment made but EN1 notes that kit bags remain packed, so another attempt may be made in the near future.


Agent N has been raiding the MESS tent during nightime manoeuvers so stress levels remain high and EN 1 on high status readiness to secure rations for EN1's packed lunch today


Agent K is coping well with the on-off nature of Agent N's incursions from barracks, will keep him under surveillance.


EN1 expecting court martial later today from EN2, EN1 was entrusted with task (as usual) of procuring festive gifts. After much discussion and examination of (very) limited spondoolies due to imminent loss of part-time income it was decided by EN1 and 2 that the plastic device should be deployed in order to procure an electronic device (AKA Xbox) for Agents festive gift. Agents N and K have been requesting said electronic device for the last 5 years and EN1 and 2 have firmly resisted, but as has been noticed Agents N and K are in the minority when it comes to the ownership of said device, so decision was taken to procure same as joint gift for Agents N & K.

Unfortunately EN1 omitted to take full advantage of period of time known as Black Friday and electronic device is now considerably more spondoolies than predicted.


Further information will be disemminated following court martial proceedings


Hope Creative Camp made full use of chocolate and wine rations!


Camp Grockle signing off


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Late night sentry En1 pear tree reporting in.


Salutes to all new camps filing latest ARF log.


Considering the logs with interest, En1 notes the sheer valour in which camp grockle has rebuffed continual seasonal requests for the hallowed XBOX of desire.

Medals dispatched as five years is longer than the strongest resolved EN can hope to resist.


En2 mr pear tree informs En1 that MANFLU is real and us much worse than the meer sniffles us en1s endure, (normally the week previously) to the dreadful lurgy reaches en2s.

En2 seeks medal for bravery. En2 currently denied!


West Country explosions having been weathered, hard hats back on their regimental pegs.


ENs... WARNING

Pending festive celebratory manoeuvres have meant there are invaders in the orchard camp.

Yes

Two elves of the ‘garden centres own knock off’ variety have arrived.

To celebrate their arrival Agent partridge and non arf Pip were complicit in hiding them and giggling.

Due to the excitement (leaping and silliness in general)


There has been a sexual and a violent act

Yes

The canine has DEFILED one and the feline has DISEMBOWLED the other.

I suspect these elves will have a joyous tale to tell Santa of the Claus...(possible law suit to follow)


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*** please note no Actual physical persons of elf heritage were harmed. Cuddly ‘elf on the shelf’ garden centre knock offs seem relatively ok following surgery and application of wundaweb


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Recommendation that said Elf's get elfAdoptionuk medals for bravery in the face of an ARF displacement manoeuvre , followed by attack from canine and feline?

En1 should be " mentioned In dispatches" for brave attempt at repair


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Arf2 dispatched for fifth time to get pass from railway manoeuvres section following code " lost pass renewal spondoolies" and code " lost pass"" and code " faulty photo machine" and code " disappearing Timson's photo taking staff member"

Suspect Arf2 has just been buying tickets on train on the few occasions pass inspection occurs on his single station manoeuvre each day to boot camp, with possible extra rations acquired and consumed.

Inspection of code "new pass" requested for tonight otherwise leave cancelled tomorrow until trip with EN2 to railway manoeuvres office completed. Weekend pocket spondoolies will be withheld until pass aquisition action completed.


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Camp Nide sending a report from East London to base.


Agent Defiant still without radio equipment, it having been confiscated by EN2 weekend before last due to misuse by agent of narcotic substances. Agent Defiant unhappy with situation and causing strong winds in East London that will, with any luck, counter those from Camp Grockle coming down from the West Country. Equilibrium maintained?


EN2 researching safe guarding and thanks, by proxy, advise from other camps on best tools for pin pointing agent in time of need.


Agent Defiant in detention from bootcamp (again) today for non compliance with muster routine. Same agent on outside maneuvers after bootcamp this afternoon (packed rations provided) so hopefully Camp Nide will have a calm early evening.


Agent Benign to be collected shortly from bootcamp. Agent Benign showing complete incomprehension of attitude to ENs 1 and 2 of Agent Defiant and much questioning involved. Agent Benign may be awarded compensatory chocolate brownie as consequence. Is it wrong to suggest that Agent Benign doesn't mention this to Agent Defiant??


ENs 1 and 2 in close consultation with outside authorities to discuss attitude and behaviour of Agent Defiant and what to do in terms of support and safeguarding. ENs 1 and 2 exhausted by discussions but understand their importance.


EN1, specifically, can't see an end in sight.


Thus ends report from Camp Nide. Over and out.


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Camp Hundred Acre Wood reporting in. Happy to report fairly quiet week achieved at boot camp. ArF agent about to head out for manoeuvres beavers followed on immmediately with manoeuvres Cubs. This give EN1 and only opportunity for covert manoeuvres festive hunting gathering. EN1 attempted this last week but ArF agent got wind and EN1 received phonecall from Beaver leader reporting ARF agent unwell and requested back up! Festive hunting and gather aborted hence the covert nature of this week’s attempt.


Camouflage gear on and secret manoeuvres about to commence. Will be going “silent” but hope to report success soon.


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Exhausted camp ham commander reporting in. Non ent and gf have decamped to the safety of home base. So ds2 has retreated to carers camp for the weekend to allow them to reorganise their bits into our camp.

So I have spent week cleaning non ent flat . Should have enlisted Aprilshowers help for that. And numerous trips helping gf bringing their bits here.

So planning on quite weekend and actually for the first time in nearly 21 years actually having ds3 to my self as his gf gong AWOL to visit her family.

Welcome all new camps .


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Smiling reading report from commander Ham Smile


Glad to read the ARF having survived bootcamps nationwide and ENs are robustly hanging in there.


Now, there are some powerful weapons in the ARF ENs arsenal.

These items may sound mild but don’t let that fool you comrades.

Firstly may I introduce you to the red boots. These are Trusty pieces of attire required for POWWOWs with bootcamps, MASH and SCUM.

Second, the sharp and pointy stick of ‘encouragement’ this is used when ‘professionals’ lack attack when sourcing supports for our beloved ARF.

Court martial, firing squad and regimental digger on standby for disposal of evidences are only for use of ENs. Anyone can face court martial but redeeming persons from under the patio has been known

Finally

Only for use in extreme circumstances are the spitting camels which emigrated from Egypt around the time of the Arab Spring.

If you require any such weaponry please let me know


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Camp Nest reporting in after an up & down week at bootcamp for ARF Agent Sqk. Manoeuvres Beavers with 'torch' successfully navigated but then rest of week there have been some interesting reports coming from bootcamp about code 'not listening'. However Operation Festivities distinctly approaching so bootcamp routine being disturbed by rehearsals. Plus EN2 away tonight which is another routine change as it is cavalry Aunt's big 40th birthday tomorrow so he is visiting his origin camp. EN1 is struggling towards the end of her higher bootcamp term - keeps telling herself 2 weeks and 10 down. Agent Sqk is enjoying operation Lego advent calendar - EN1 obtained cheaply one for herself today but it seems to have been appropriated by the agent alongside his own. ENs are employing that technique known as Amazon to obtain festive hunter gatherer material - at least for agent and his Arf agent cousins.


EN1 is counting down the days till she has two weeks off paid expeditions - and bliss of all 2 days with the agent at bootcamp and temporary basecamp routine.


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Report from Camp Pitch situated in a classified location just behind enemy lines on the eastern, western front


Urgent word has reached Camp Pitch from Central Intelligence that the Special Agent know as SCLAUS will be making his annual appearance simultaneously around the globe in just over 3 weeks. If sighted this individual should not be directly approached and if forced to engage in combat, strategies include, but are not limited to: Kissing ones spouse under the Christmas Tree and/or Rocking around it, putting out a stocking to distract attention, obtaining covert supplies of rations such as carrots to distract his cronies (Also known to go under the code name of REINDEER) and by far the most successful strategy, an extremely large glass of wine. The cheaper the better, but in the end who cares.


Camp Pitch has been on high alert for some weeks now due to this forthcoming appearance and agents within the camp have begun to exhibit a desperate need to write, with a pen or pencil – a list. EN1 & 2 usually experience severe difficulty in getting Agent 1 to use any kind of writing implement and furthermore, the agent has taken the unusual step of actually reading the said list aloud which, it must be said, contains a wide variety of high price ticket items not normally available within the budget of the camp. Such is the effect of Special Agent SCLAUS. Agent 2 has a list which contains less items but top of the list is a communication device. EN1 is particularly keen that SCLAUS delivers this item as EN1 has recently become more than extremely frustrated that agent 2 is constantly asking use EN1’s communication device to contact other agents in the area. No doubt to set up covert operations such as meeting up in order to walk to school.


To make suitable preparations for the visit of Special Agent SCLAUS the camp has resorted to desperately attempting to secure more rations without which, it has become completely obvious that the Camp cannot and would not survive. It has come to the attention of EN1 that dragging a shopping trolley around a Food Vending Facility has become more than a normal activity given the Food Vending Facility’s habit of loading up their shelves with oddly temping provisions and a overspill of yet more tempting provisions onto the floor of said Food Vending Facility that keep getting in the way of the trolley.EN1 notes that ENs from other camps have clearly been drugged in some way as they appear to immediately look confused and/or vague upon entry to the Food Vending Facility. Some have been know to suddenly stop in the aisle for some reason or are heard to shout phrases such as ‘Just get it, it’s Christmas!’


To further enhance the visit of Special Agent SCLAUS Camp Pitch will be traditionally been decorated in an approved tradition style. EN2 assumes that the presence of the afore mentioned Christmas Tree may well be for kissing ones spouse under. However camp agents 1 & 2 have no such interest in such disgusting behaviour and prefer to hang chocolate rations on the tree – another possible although futile strategy if engaged in direct combat Special Agent SCLAUS


Camp Pitch is pleased to report that all operatives, Agents 1 & 2 and an extremely reluctant EN2 have been effectively reassigned duties dedicated to cleansing the camp of any kind of normally permitted intrusion in order to allow the camp to be suitable decorated. These include, but are not limited to: dust, dust, dust and the occasional spider who has defected from the garden and views Camp Pitch as a more suitable habitation. Upon completion of cleansing and tidying of the camp, EN1 intends to flop down in front of the moving picture box with a large ration of suitable beverages prior to commencement of camp manoeuvres dedicated to the approved decorating


In conclusion, Camp Pitch is beginning to look, and EN1 quotes from a reliable source, A lot like Christmas.


It still seems a bit early to say, but Camp Pitch wishes all other camps and their ENs and agents a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year (oh no!!! New Year!! More trips to the Food Vending Facility followed by much enjoyment by all operatives and one exhausted EN1!)


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Good morning comrades, En1 is having a (shhhhh) holy grail morning of mince pie ration and the televisual panel to herself.

Hoping En2 May yet get her a nice hot cuppa tea.


En1 enjoys a bit of Saturday kitchen. This morning, the guest is Gregory porter.

Pip Agent has exclaimed he looks like a man from long ago who had toothache with that hat on!

En1 now giggles each time the camera looks his way....


Court martial is scheduled for canine and feline agents for their vicious assault on mr SCLAUS’s elf helpers.


Comrades will be shocked to hear that not once have either feline nor canine have apologised although canine has attempted to lick elves better. Feline has glared at elves a few times and suspect they may retract their complaints as a result


Arf Partridge has been invited to attend the orchard camp for festive adornment next weekend. So far, no reply to en1s smoke signal.

Hoping he might come along.

Have decide to bribe, erm, incentivise Agent with offer of hot soup, French stick ham & cheese to consume here, plus bottle of cider to take back to his supported living camp.


Wondering how camps are getting on festooning their camp with cheesy glittery and blingy tat? Suggest all camps switch to SCLAUS grotto mode at their earliest convenience.


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Camp penguin not yet in SClaus mode , but it is on the code " to do " list. EN2 presently drafting manoeuvres for Ecclesiastical event next week code " Countdown" and also the camp penguin yearly news dispatch sheet needs distributed compiled and sent to relations and distant friends.

Operation check railpass confirmed, but ARF agent two is about to be hassled for code " study time" as no manoeuvres around French book has been seen return from boot camp yesterday, while electronic communication Informs the camp leaders that arf2 has code "test" on Monday. Maths command sheet ( aka homework) found scrunched up and torn behind bedroom door. Possible delay in expedition to cinema for Paddington tonight unless action seen by arf2. EN1 is not keen to do this as she wants to see it too, and it's likely to disappear from cinema soon as Star Wars comes out for seasonal appearance.

EN's summoned to Mess tent for tea so this dispatch is now being terminated


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Coded communication from creative camp, today has been “nightmare” EN1 took agent Sticky for weekly water related class, having packed agent sticky’s bag last night, on arrival agent stick anounces no water costume in bag. So agent and EN1 returned to camp, EN2 was confused about early return, on entering camp EN1 noticed missing costume on the sofa under pillows.


As extra time was now available EN2 suggested agent Sticky could “complete” boot camp extra work “homework” this brought on air raid siren wailing and bunk room door slamming. EN1 decided crumpets and tea was required, this was consumed in ENs bunk room with feline agent in training.


PM movements involved ENs and agent meeting up with other ENs and agents from prep group, agents were seen swapping intelligence and tactics whilst consuming rations. This was followed by a trip to see the big man SClaus and a trip to resupply MESS.


EN1 and agent then had to prepare for ecclesiastical movements tomorrow, agent Sticky decided to ignore any direction so prayer time tomorrow could be interesting.


EN1 is now eating pizza, drinking white wine and watching the dancing program.


Operation festive decoration is planned for tomorrow, replacement wine and Suggery supplies are already here to bolster EN1 on this operation.


Over and out from camp creative.


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Greetings to all EN's currently battening down hatches etc at various base camps!


Situation report from Camp Grockle


Agent N still residing at base camp despite assurances that Agent N had been invited to visit a town approx 50 miles away with a subversive 'friend' to visit said subversives parent. Operation 'Escape' was planned by Agent N, and kit bag packed for early morning departure when Agent K dropped off to catch college bus at 08.20 hrs. Dropped Agent N in town centre only to receive telephonic communication approx 60 mins later that visit had been cancelled. Will collect both agents later on.


Court martial of EN1 has been postponed due to EN2's visit to MASH, EN2 has been prescribed antibiotic medication and expect court martial to follow in the next few days. Have not yet ordered Xbox of desire as all outlets of said device appear to be 'out of stock'.


A surprisingly good trip was made to a local town for a 'Nostalgic Festive Visit' on Friday (a Victorian late night shopping trip!) EN1 & 2 have taken Agents N and K to this event for the last 5 years, usually involving much spondoolies, the acquiring of lots of 'tat' and usually a heated 'discussion' between both Agents in the vehicle transport on the way back to base camp. Unusually this year said visit passed without too much incident, a moderate amount of spondoolies on food of the fast variety and a relatively peaceful transport home. EN1 wondering if she brought the correct Agents home??


Agent K currently at educational establishment, expected arrival from educational transport at 17.00 hours. EN 1 has blood donor session at 17.50, no time to return Agents to base camp so will have to leave both Agents in car, hopefully they will be able to access free WiFi from Rugby Club car park!


EN1 most grateful to have been mentioned in dispatches by Camp Pear Tree, EN1 has never been awarded a medal before!


Congratulation to all Camps on festive decoration operations. EN1 suggested visit to upper tier of base camp to collect festive decorations, but was met with grunts of 'not now' from both Agents, EN1 watched festive film on televisual device yesterday afternoon, may make visit to upper level to collect decorations on her own later on this evening and may commence said decoration without help!


Have purchased a bottle of mulled cider to help with festive spirit!


Sorry to hear of defiling etc of ELFS at Camp pear Tree, EN1 should be commended for prompt repair of said elfs.


Camp grockle over and out


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Late night sentry reporting in.


Disaster has struck the orchard today. Pip Agent has gone down with the dreaded lurgy. She has been known as ‘Pip of the snots’ for a few days and has developed a head hotness

Several applications of miracle nectar aka calpol and nurofen and much snortling under standard issue duvet has been in evidence

Bootcamp informed of (birth child variety) Agent being below par and therefore not attending.


Elf on the shelf elves are much recovered from their various assaults although one has required extensive counselling via the sclaus camp brainwasher


Talking of brainwashers, ENs will be interested to know that arf Partridge has considered maybe using a brainwasher to assist on his behalf because of various ARF related muddles.

Suspect dear comrades that ARF partridge’s idea that all ARFishness would disappear in a puff of smoke into no mans land when he demobbed into ‘supported Living camp’ may have turned out to be a fable of unreliable grounding.


Speaking re fables you’ll be glad to hear arf partridge is about to become a ‘marketing executive’ with mega, mega spondoolies. ENs ever hopeful of getting a windfall, (well it would be nice to at least get some of the cash he’s had from us...) probed further and discovered that he requires NO qualifications just to ‘learn on the job’

En1 and En2 discussed this magnificent job offer with gusto. Faintly bleeping in the cupboard En2 pointed out the B*** S*** meter bleeping. Acting on the BS sensor En1 looked said job up on the google. Google revealed there was indeed a marking role but mildly ok salary plus mega list of requirements and experiences of amongst other things land acquisitions and spondoolies accountancy that arf partridge just doesn’t have.

En1 cross to have found herself hoodwinked by the arf in a classic twist on code ‘confound and confuse’


En thinks the parapet would look nice planted up with regimental geraniums and marigolds


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Nide camp sending a late night report code name "insomnia".


EN1 reports that Agent Defiant has "done it again" and we have had an evening of tea and Social Services. Apparently Agent D was "physically threatened" yesterday not just by DH this time but by EN1 as well. Errr .... Luckily Clinical Psychologist was also present who is, frankly, wise beyond her years. Comedy moment when Agent D asked what might help things to be calm in our household when she feels angry; response "just moving away and leaving the room". Hahahahaha. Hey ho, and in the spirit of 'Claus cheer when informed that "we're looking at the future, Mum, not the past" I will suspend disbelief.


Agent Benign has misunderstood the first day of Christmas and has it conflated with the first day of December (with the vast number of the rest of the population, if I may say so). We have had (somewhat dodgy) renditions of "On the First Day of Christmas ..." since last Friday. Six what? Nine what? Yes, we all know that there were five sodding gold rings. Oh, please! Make it stop!


Festive maneuveres at base camp are not scheduled to begin till 23rd Dec at 0:00 hours. (Cruel? Possibly. Realistic? Definitely - they can only cope with so many days of euphoria). Projects: Ballet show; Creative Dance show; Dance show; Wedding Anniversary; Bootcamps 1 and 2 etc. have to be completed first and then EN1 is prepared to consider further maneuveres. Interesting insubordination by EN2 and Agent B - mince pies made without authorisation as apparently EN1 "didn't get her act together and it is past 1st Dec when such rations are authorised" - be careful what you wish for camp commanders!


Having said that, camp Nide's spondoolic release appears extreme. Call to base for more funds to be released. Sadly I suspect that this call will be unforthcoming.


EN1 no longer does trips to ration houses but relies on the kind Internet to send whatever is needed. Large orders placed yesterday with various suppliers. Second list of "needs" found directly after order placed. Second order to military command about to commence but when everything on the list is ended with "?" what is EN1 to do??


Non-agent K9 in dire need as authorised and ordered rations have not arrived and EN1 didn't register animal MASH needs at weekend leading to current shortage. K9 will have to suffer no mix (as opposed to much desired wet / dry mix) until the kind Internet gets its act together. No animals will be harmed during this experiment in K9 feeding.


EN1 reports that camp Nide is beautifully quiet right now. Less than four hours before EN1 needs to be up, bright and breezy.


Camp Nide over and out.


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Camp T reporting, still flying the ARF flag in Deepest Africa.


EN consuming large amounts of beverage 'coffee' (am) and mild intoxicant 'red wine' (pm). For once this is not ARF related. No, comrades, back in hazy, optimistic March EN decided that packing for Long Leave in Blighty perfectly straightforward compared to engaging in ARF manoeuvres. Hence no need to take any time off paid expeditions, to the point where final pre-leave expedition ends 1.30pm Friday with just enough time to 'pop' back to base to collect agent and baggage before 'popping' to airfield and chocks away. EN now paying the price of blind optimism as base now a bombsite (non-ARF related) and paid expedition tasks growing by the minute.


Cavalry grandma rising to the occasion with big plans of taking agent to acquire celebratory decorative materials, having sensibly disposed of such items years ago. EN has rashly volunteered to cook code 'full trad Xmas lunch' including vegetarian option. EN feels as if she has turned into her mother. Agent has promised to peel potatoes in true squaddie style. On the other hand, EN has perfect excuse to vanish to the mess preparation area whenever it all Gets A Bit Much, and coping juice will be strategically placed.


Agent Oyster has done one whole shift of holiday paid expeditions, and turned up at basecamp (no longer her base camp) at 10pm without prior warning, as it is considerably closer to site of said paid expedition. Luckily EN and small agent NOT camping as expected, but at base. Agent Oyster has made sensible decision to spend entire paid allocation on code 'getting hair done' rather than any nonsense about code 'saving'.


Agent Shrimp has completed final ballet class, Cubs, Festive choir appearance, bootcamp pajama day, bootcamp sprinklers-replaced-by-water-pistols-because-of-regional-state-of-emergency-aka-drought day, and after-bootcamp Festive party with PIZZA! rations. EN provided spondoolies, transport, and in some cases admiring audience for the aforementioned, while trying not to look as if she desperately wanted to be Elsewhere and Getting Ready For The Trip. All that remains for agent Shrimp's preparation is expedition with big sister agent to acquire footwear of code 'new school shoes' variety, as current version has her toes coming out of the front.


EN fantasizing about Good Old Days when a chap home on Long Leave might be expected to pick up a suitable wife (or in EN's case, husband) in their couple of months in Blighty, before shipping back to their remote hill station. Suspect that Times Have Changed...


Over and out.


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Camp penguin reporting

Expedition today to specialised mash, code "orthodontist" Spondoolies expected from accompanying EN as due to ARF 2 manoeuvre "lost retainer" , it now needs replaced. No doubt extra spondoolies will be demanded with menaces for "lunch in town" at latest desirable fast food outlet.

Time for EN1 to stir and collect agent from boot camp.At least EN2 is providing transportation device to move EN1 and ARF2 to public transportation rail centre.

EN1, who has exam at own college bootcamp next week will needy to pack study equipment for expedition.


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Good evening to all camps and ENs with their ARF snuggled in their bunkers


En1 on late night sentry once more and has read dispatched from othe camps with interest.


Particular attention drawn to Nide camp and the tortures being deployed by ARF in the name of Festive choral delights.

ENs here are suffering similar torture. Much in the way of ‘jingle bells’, the same few lines of ‘so here it is merry Christmas’ and the endless

GLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORIA‘s have been well erm rehearsed in camp.


Suggest all similarly afflicted camps immediately requisition the nearest ear defence equipment and play something more soothing to ENs through said devices.


Salutes to deepest Africa and camp T with invasions and Cavalry interception with tinsel abounding.

En1 has noted slippage towards adapting similar ‘motherly traits’ but (drumroll please) solemnly swears to never completely turn into her and loose vital en equipment aka sense of humour.


However, cavalry grandparents have once again proved very handy and are kindly and nicely paying for Pips new optical enhancement apparatus. This is indeed good news bearing in mind the precarious spondoolies situation in the orchard. Previous optical equipment suffered in the line of duty, two broken off arms so military honours were tooted on the Corps kazoo according to tradition as they went into the black bin of no return.


Troop flag waving to camp penguin and the En1 attempting own bootcamp exam. Amazed that the heavy bombardment from arf Agents especially following special MASH visit and luncheon of choice has allowed for code ‘study’ in anyway


EN1 has been to see a loud troop rousing entertainment performed by the greatly admired Alfie Boe and Michael Ball. En enjoyed herself with fellow ENs (including a couple who have ARF) and much singing smiling and wiggling has been in evidence.

Arf Partridge informs en that this is a breach of EN code as ‘mothers are meant to not go to concerts and get snapped in selfies giggling a lot’ en has smiled and gently and therapeutically informed agent that ENs are permitted on pass to late night establishments with fellow ENs on occasion

En1 has declined to comment on reports that she may, or may not, have ‘flicked the Vs’ after ARF personages verdict on her behaviour under the table.


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Calendar camp is under siege with lurgy of various types, there is man flu, chest infections and poor en1 had to visit MASH and be taken to another MASH under flashing lights....medics calmly inform en2 "when they are blue its time to call the ambulance...en2had not noticed smurf like pallor to en1" plenty of meds and plenty of rest and all should be well but its likely to be chronic condition that will need on going meds and no more ciggies. I will use the time off to pack pressies and put up greenery.


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Secret dispatch to calendar camp. Suggest En2 delivers chocky supplies and plenty of code TLC while En1 attempts to give up the smouldering cancer sticks.

En1 here is attempting code ‘festive joy’ and heading out to volunteer bootcamp for Christmas lunch. Have dressed as reindeer and accompanying k9 as fairy.


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Arf2 now informed EN1 that he hates bootcamp and wants to leave at 16 and become a tattoo artist! This is prompted by likely extra curricular activity to be recommended by bootcamp, as action on absence from bootcamp study groups and absence of homework. Announcement by EN that spondoolies would be much reduced this week to assist ARF2 's memory resulted in verbal threats to kill EN's , but as ARF was lying on bed at time and talking languidly threat level not considered any greater than code yellow. Especially as conversation finished with request by ARF for code " back massage to releave his tense muscles "

EN considering whether tattoo artists benefit from paid for braces and whether there is any point in " school of massive spondoolies"


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EN1 & 2 are wondering if the big festive day can be moved to tomorrow, as neither are sure that Agent Sticky will be alive if we have to wait another 20 days before S Claus arrives.


Agent sticky is is complete "big day" stress, EN1 was heard to say last night, I am getting more wine for the big day. Agent and EN1 have survived the term of girlguiding activities and now have only the local panto to get through, EN1 is amazed at how much her brownie parents must know about her, as most parents brought either wine or chocolate for EN1.


EN2 is determined to cause havoc in camp and at bootcamp this week, sending communications on the computer to bootcamp leader and staff regarding agent stickys behaviour and requesting immediate reply. Fat change as said camp seem to use mail run by tortoises.


on a positive note, agent sticky has been offered some MASH intervention after the festive period, which she has been waiting for since she arrived three years ago.


EN1 is suffering from balance issues, surprisingly not caused by the amount of alcoholic white fluids consumed, but by a lurgy brought into camp by agent Sticky. EN1 is planning on working from camp for the rest of the week and to not attend her office camp one and half hours away.


Agents sticky has been practising long and loudly for upcoming ecclesiastical singing event, this weekend's is the first of five and EN1 suspects this will feel like Dantes circles of hell. Agent sticky is also trying to persuade agent in training moggy to join in these merriments with his own voice.


EN1 sends care packages to all camps in need of ear defenders, extra drinks of the merriment kind and sessional snacks. EN1 is off to retrieve agent from extra bootcamp session and will await with "excitement" to see what new area of expertise agent creative has learnt at bootcamp today.


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