Adopted daughter and sexual relationships

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My Ad now nearly 19 and living independently (managing in a fashion) seems to lurch from one unsuitable waste of space to the next. She is so immature and vulnerable. She really puts herself at risk of all sorts but can't see it. Her need to have a boyfriend at all costs is overwhelming. Am struggling not to fall out with her and trying to remain a positive influence in her life but it is so difficult. This behaviour is not particularly unexpected. I could cope with the silliness of her relationships but the risks she takes without realising are very worrying. She has no concept of "friends" and someone she has spoken to once on dreaded fb suddenly become her very good best friend ever. Has any one else any experience of this ... Does it get better with age?

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My AD was involved in violent relationships. She went to a residential school, then supported accommodation, then a council flat. I have found that over the years she has gradually matured. She is now 29 and a different, much more responsible person. I think late teens and early 20s can be a vulnerable time for many. I look back in amazement at some of the situations I found myself in during that period of time.

Lily x

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We have a 19 & 17 who are very poor at relationship choices

In fact im not sure it's choice lead at all

Someone who is as mixed up as they are but capitalised on the chance to dominate and subjugate someone else.

Our son is 19 and is involved long term now with an awful gf

Blossom at 17 flits from one unsavoury relationship to another

Again no concept of friends

Partridge at least has a few good friends

And that for us has been key

Trying to enable him to have as many positive forces for good in his life and to encourage this

So eg he's got a job at the supermarket

He likes this

He's decided to join the local church Young adults group- he likes this

He's got 2 'good' friends who like him are a bit aspie

But he remains with nightmare gf

He remains someone who smiles charmingly but actually is doing a whole host of other things he's not saying about

He struggles with self worth and personal cleaning etc

Blossom is a chaotic whirl

Thinks she can simply attain more by being with gf or bf- well- that's what she'll do until utter carnage and then she repeats with a new person- or sometimes the old one again

I always get hope through lily

And holding onto the fact that these young people are amazing survivors

They do seem to be able to survive what I certainly could not

There's something on the Nancy davies website to look up

She's done an article I found helpful

It's called 'becoming a compliant victim' and it shows the warning signs about abusive relationships

Can I ask if you've considered getting psychotherapy for you facing all this? The stress is enormous

Also, have to mention thepotatogroup.org.uk that continues to be a great source of help and support to us here

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Hi Catmoo

my ad (just gone 20), has lived independantly for 2 years now, after being Section 20 for 3 years in a children's home.

The situations she has been through (and dragged us through with her), regarding friendships and bf's have been quite overwhelming at times. Like your ad she is a vulnerable girl, easily led and impulsive. Her last bf was a drug dealer, who used her flat to hide his drugs, I don't know the full story (I've stopped wanting to know the full details - too much worry), but he trashed her flat and beat her up, she told him (to get him to stop hitting her apparantly), that she was pregnant (she's not, she has the contraceptive implant). Although he is not her bf anymore he keeps trying to catch her at her flat to see if she is pregnant. She (remarkably), has a bf who is ok at the moment, but he comes with baggage of 2 kids and a wife he is divorcing, and 11 years older! It just goes on. Her one and only girlfriend has stolen her provisional driving licence, passport and at Xmas her flat keys. She had to call out the housing association repairs men to change her front door lock. She has now dissassociated herself from this toxic girl.

Unfortunately, they are vulnerable to these horrid bf's and gf's. Having a flat makes them desirable to a lot of guys, who see it as to their advantage. All we can do is be there for them, and help them pick up the pieces, they have to learn sooner or later. We have never had any of her bf's here, as I would be too worried that they knew where we live, and we have a decent house. She is at college part time now, and lo and behold, she is having problems with a girl in her class, who is in her late 20's. This has been our ad's pattern ever since primary school, she was asking me why she always has an enemy where ever she goes/what ever she does last night, and I could not give her the answer. She is slowly learning to keep her cool in situations, and I suggested perhaps it's her body language. It's such a shame, every time she gets settled something happens to ruin it.

I do hope your daughter matures, as I hope all of our ads will. I know Lily and Pear Tree problems have had major with their daughters, hopefully we can continue to support each other on here.

Keep strong, take care of yourself

I have dealt with this mostly alone, although I have a hubby he has throat cancer and he finds it all too much to cope with. So you time is very important.

Take care, stay strong

Janie2 x

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This thing seems to happen to people in my family, getting pulled into the orbit of losers but being unable to shake them off, despite actually recognising it in some way. I think I was even like it when I was younger. It is a family curse.


My mum knew it was coming with my sisters, and knew it was more dangerous than for boys because of pregnancy, and as a result more or less compelled them to have a coil put in when they showed the first signs of sexual activity. I will definitely do the same thing. Bad relationships can eventually be left behind if there are no littles ones to take account of.

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I think you are right Janie when you say about not wanting to know the full details - as too much worry and can't change. My ad was also section 20 and moved to independent living from childrens home. I need to stop stressing over what I can't change and remain in her life as a positive influence. I just find her immaturity and subsequent promiscuity so difficult to deal with. When she has a bf it is a worry as they are usually idiots ( last one 20 years older with 2 adopted-yes-adopted kids of his own!!!!). When she doesn't have a bf she spends all her time looking for a new bf (facebook). Thanks for all your comments. Really helps to know I am not alone. Not been on the boards for ages but pleased to see new format can still offer the advice and support that only those who live or have lived through it can.

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Hi Catmoo

the similarity between your ad and mine, is spooky. Yes, when my ad does not have a boyfriend she spends all her time looking for one on FB. Looking through her "friends" on there is a nightmare experience - half dressed guys posing with weapons etc. I cannot look any more. She will link up with just about anyone. I keep telling her that I would rather be single than associate with these guys, but her need for a bf is unstoppable.

I try to remain a positive influence as you state, try not to ask too many questions re her love life. She is very promiscuous and flaunts her body, she thinks the way to get a bf is to show a lot! Then when she gets one she covers up a bit. This is part of her learning difficulty I assume, her biological background is horrendous and it is not suprising she is this way.

Lets just hope they mature and learn. Remain a good influence to them, carry on teaching them right from wrong. I am taking her swimming this evening, then back for dinner afterwards. I take her food shopping at the weekend (which I pay for), and go for a walk with her and her dog on Sunday afternoon. These are the only things I can do for her. If I lecture her we end up arguing.

Please keep in touch. You are free to pm me anytime for a moan or a chat

Janie2 x

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