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AD trying to get pregnant

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My AD who is 20 is undergoing IVF with her v v strange boyfriend (he is a pilot and is paying privately). He has been pressurising her to have a baby 1 month into their "relationship ". He hardly sees her, won't meet us as he knows we disapprove and hasn't introduced her to his family. I have serious concerns about her ability to parent a baby. Any one else been here?


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4 users have supported this.

I do not think that your situation is usual or that there are real solutions. She's an adult according to society, the man is an functioning individual, she's not classed vunerable I pressume.

So if talking with your daughter does not work you've choices. Cut contact or accept the situation and her choices. How long have they been together? Ivf is unlikely to start even privately unless the couple has tried for some time.

Is the boyfriend from a uk back ground? Just wondering as the circumstances sound all very strange.

Understand me right I agree fully with you if your daughter is vunerable and he manipulative, but there comes a time when all we can do is stepping back and sometimes picking up the pieces.


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3 users have supported this.

I think you have to have tried 2 years before being accepted for IVF even privately - in this country - how do they know they won't conceive naturally? Maybe she is not telling you the truth but a story to get your reaction? I think all you can do is just be there - listen and gently question her - try not to react too dramatically (if you can!)


Sounds like the sort of thing my daughter might say!!!


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6 users have supported this.

I agree with you Pluto re situation being strange. They have been together very on and off for 1 year but he was pressurising the trying for a baby within a month. Assume they have lied about how long they have been together to clinic as she is undergoing IVF. She is so vulnerable but not classed as such. V frustrating but agree re my own choices. Biggest concern is her ability to care for a baby as she has massive anger issues. I think I would want to let LA know my concerns if she became pregnant. Hard as that would be.


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It just struck me - you say he is a pilot - is he from another country? Could the pregnancy be related to helping him with his immigration status? It does seem strange!


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No he is British


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Sounds very unusual. How does she know he is definitely a pilot? How do you know he is British ? He could be telling her anything. Someone she doesn't see very often and he actually " wants" a baby when most men run a mile. And he is not committed enough to spend a lot of time with her and she has never met his family ? Is she thinking it will encourage him to spend more time with her? 20 yr old girls don't usually have a problem conceiving so it wouldn't take much persistence to get her pregnant the normal, and significantly cheaper way, Something doesn't add up here, and are you sure she is telling the truth herself to you ( as far as he has given her)


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His family are local and although I don't know them I know of them so he is definitely British. As for being a pilot it's what he says he does and he sends her pics from the cockpit etc. He could be lying I don't know! He has his own house and has money. From what she tells me of him and pics I have seen he seen he is a bit of a loner, doesn't seem to have a lot of friends, doesn't drink or smoke. I just don't get why he so wants a baby, I have wondered if he knows she won't be capable of looking after it and will try for custody or something. Either way she is determined and I can do nothing to stop her.


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Good job, does not drink, does not smoke, has a house, has only few selected friends, sounds like quite a good deal,lol

I know there might be a dark senister side but maybe your best bet now is to invite the two to your house for dinner? It might be better to know them together, because she's right there is not a lot you can do to stop her.

And if you manage to keep the relationship civalised you might be able to influence the situation at a later date if needed, or at least keep an eye on baby.


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14 users have supported this.

Have to say it all sounds rather strange to me. Should imagine ivf at 20 is a rarity. What tests were done beforehand? Without being indelicate - and having been through it - there are thorough investigations first. Is he the one who has the difficulty or your dd? How do they / drs know they can't conceive naturally?


I guess you can't stop her but he does sound rather controlling. If not physically abusive, emotional abuse?


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I don't wish to be unkind, love, but I wonder if some kind of abuse is going on here.


Pushing her into having a baby with him after just a month? Going into ivf? How does anyone know they have difficulty in conceiving after such a short period of time?


Sorry but I really don't like the sound of any of it.


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14 users have supported this.

When I first read this I thought it was just some sort of wind up but actually as I think about it I think it is much more scary than that.


I wonder if knowing your DD is so vulnerable this man is just exploiting her for a child. Are they actually even in a sexual relationship? Could he be just planning on having a baby and moving on with it but without her afterwards.


I don't know exactly what you can do about it but wonder if a call to a woman's refuge style charity might be able to offer some help. She is clearly being exploited. There are some nasty people in this world.


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It is strange. It is v scary especially as I am truly worried about her ability to care for a baby. She has big anger issues. She's not a bad kid but can not regulate her emotions in stressful situations and loses it big style. Her wellbeing and the well being of her baby is my primary concern. I do think she is being manipulated but she does not see it that way. She wants to keep this man at all costs. I have invited them round for coffee but he is reluctant. I will keep trying. I have made my mind up that if she does get pregnant I will inform LA. I have told her this. It is all I can do. I am keeping things civilised with her to maintain an influence.


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I think the IVF clinic has a responsibility to check that the child would have a good home. I don't think they really did anything with us, but if you contacted them and said (1) they hadn't been trying for long because they hadn't known each other and (2) your daughter is vulnerable, the clinic may start asking questions. If they ignore you, you could contact the regulator (in fact may be best to just contact the regulator and talk to someone there).


Hope this resolves for the best. BdF


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11 users have supported this.

That's an idea.


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How old is he?


I remember when I was in my early 20's. Didn't drink much, never smoked and my then fiancee really wanted a baby with me. She didn't have a good relationship with her mum so I didn't meet her family for a couple of years. Oh, I almost forgot, I'm a pilot.

It didn't work out in the end. My mum couldn't get along with her and the relationship fell apart.


Couple of things to note. Pilots generally spend most of their day in a small room at the pointy end of an aircraft with the company of one other person who is either your boss or your subordinate. It isn't a traditionally social workplace and despite common misconceptions, cabin crew and flight crew don't spend much time together on rest days. If you are on a short rotation you don't have time to drink particularly much before your "Bottle to throttle" time is up so many like myself don't drink. I can also understand why they don't see each other much, it comes with the job. Please don't think that young pilots are rich though. It is a steady career but in the early stages you could be carrying over £100,000 in training debt and depending on the airline earning between £30k to £45k as a first officer. With seniority and promotion a top Captain in a national carrier will earn around £120k but they are the minority.


Having said all that, I find the whole IVF thing very odd at that age but my feelings are let it play out, be supportive and let the checks and balances in the system look out for the child if needed. For all you know, this could be a perfect relationship where both parties get what the need from each other and they have a long and healthy relationship.


Plus you get grandchildren.


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He is 31. I can see the social impact of being a pilot as you describe. I am also of the mind to let it play out as I can do little else in reality. I have voiced my concerns but to no avail. I have invited him to meet us and he has agreed which is something and hopefully we can build a relationship with him/them.

I would be over the moon should they become a stable couple providing a loving home for a child. I just can't shake this "feeling" that it won't end well. Would be delighted to be wrong!


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As you correctly identify, there is nothing you can really do. I watched my mum destroy my first real serious relationship over things she thought she could influence, all with the best of intentions but she only drove a wedge between her and me, which never really healed. She was right of course but I wasn't in a place to accept that.

I am a great believer in the old adage, "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar". Personally, I would work on the relationship, recognise her feelings for what they are and accept them. Then when you are proved right, be there to pick up the pieces and make sure you are the one she turns to if things don't work out.


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