About to become a grandparents! Help!

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Well as if we haven't been through enough AD has announced she's pregnant. Still living at home now 20

And dad is 17! She is totally oblivious to the implications. We want to support her any way we can ut keep being told it's their baby not ours yet they have nowhere to Live and although almost 4 months down the line seem unable to say what they are going to do or how they will cope. I'm so frustrated I really don't know what to do. It would be wonderful if they were established in their own loving home...but they're!

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The first question is do you want this new family to live with you? If the answer is yes do nothing, if no than you need to talk to them and make your wishes clear. As long as you feed her, provide a roof etc, nobody will jump into action to help. Does she work?

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Lots of things for you to consider, firstly as already said, do you want your DD and her child and possibly her boyfriend living with you?, as she is not homeless it will be hard for her to get social housing, lots of private landlords wont take anyone on benefits, if she is working is she entitled to maternity leave and pay. but I would assume and forgive me if I am wrong that your DD does not really work, the boyfriend at 17 cant work only do an apprenticeship so I would imagine that they have no money...no home....not a lot of prospects. If you lhave your dd stay with you she will be entitled to income support and a maternity grant, but you will not be entitled to get housing benefit, you could try to charge your dd rent but on the amount she will be getting she is not going to be able to contrilbute to your household bills. Money aside, are you prepared to basically raise this baby at the whim of your dd? She already is stating that it is theirs and not yours, how will you cope emotionally with that, how will you cope if you feel that there maybe some sort of neglect going on and under your roof. Its hard, in a way its better that she is not already in a flat, at least with you an eye can be kept on the little one. Whatever its going to be an emotional and difficult time for you all. gentle hugs to you all (((((()))))))

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No one expects to become grandparents whilst their child is still a teenager our son had 2 children before he was 21. He and his girlfriend struggled and separated when the children were 3 nd 1. She lived with her mum our son bounced around supported housing projects for a few years. We supported his monthly contact with the children who lived an hour away. 9 years later we are on holiday with our lovely grandchildren.who are a delight to be with our son settled down in his mid twenties and lives with his girlfriend and sustaina his tenancy our granchildrens mum married a few years ago. We pay for after school activities and see them monthly. They did not have the best of starts .teenage parents who struggled but they are stable loving children who are close to us.

At times it has been really hard to keep the relationship with our ex daughter In law going but we kept the channels open and valued her and encouraged her in her parenting she even phones for advice occasionally.

Looking back I was so full of fear for our son and granchildren . He and his ex have needed a lot of support but now they are older are able to give the children the love and care that has enabled them to be lovely young people.

Take each day at a time. Fight for the housing they will need . Be there propping up but not taking over . Easier to say than to do and we made many mistakes!

Thinking of you

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Hello rimjam

There are so many things to consider. It seems to me that these are the available options, providing that they choose to keep the child:

1) Your daughter continues to live with you and, after the baby is born, she and the baby will live with you. The father of the baby will continue to live with his family but there will be contact between him, your daughter, and the baby.

2) As above but father of the baby will live with you too. Alternatively he stays with his family and your daughter and baby live with him there.

3) They obtain their own accommodation and live independently with their baby.

My advice to you is to go for the first option. You will be able to provide support and supervision to your daughter and her baby. The father of the baby is very young and immature and may or may not have additional problems. He needs to grow up, finish his education, get into employment, become responsible. All this takes time. If the relationship lasts, when they are older, wiser and more stable they can try to get their own accommodation. They may qualify for council housing by then.

The worst option is for them to set up house together when they are too immature and irresponsible to do so. It can be a recipe for disaster, especially if they do not stop at one child, but go on to have more. It can result in neglect of the children. I speak from experience. At the age of 18 my adopted son's first child was born. His girlfriend, later his wife, was a bit older but has massive problems. She had been in care and it is likely that she suffers from a severe personality disorder. My son was very vulnerable, diagnosed with ADHD and FAE. They quickly had 3 children who all were taken into care.

A friend of mine has an adopted daughter who became pregnant like your daughter. She stayed at home with her Mum. Social Services would otherwise have taken the child into care. Things worked out well. She did not have another child for several years and by then she had settled down and become responsible. I have another friend whose adopted daughter was in similar circumstances. She insisted on living independently with the baby and social workers eventually removed the child from her care.

Thinking of you.

Lily x

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I think it depends on whether your DD can accept your rules in your house. I was in the same situation (except DD was 15!). This was HER baby, HER decisions etc etc - but I was the one expected to pay and provide.

In the end she went to live with boyf's family, which of course didn't work out etc etc. Drifted round various other people and now baby is more of less full time with the boyf's cousin. Clean and fed, but not the centre of anyone's thoughts or actions.

When they visit she seems to ignore him most of the time in favour of her phone/ DVD / electronic whatever. I'm the one making sure he's safe and hasn't climbed out of the window. She's very good at 'drifting' away so I am left with him, without ever asking me to look after him - which is her tactic with just about anything she doesn't want to do, not to say so directly but to put herself as if by chance into a position where other people have to step in. It's a regular pattern that happens over and over again. So it wouldn't have worked if she'd stayed - because she was never going to care for him properly, I would have had to but without any 'right' to make decisions. Not only the unpaid carer, but actually the unpaid carer paying for everything. We didn't have the space or the money for it to be anything other than a huge burden, given that DD was not going to take responsibility.

On the other hand, he seems a relaxed, happy little boy, DD is back in school. They're both visiting for a few days and DD occasionally asks for advice! We've talked about him visiting without DD some weekends in a 6-12 months. We are still a family, however much I wish she hadn't thrown away so many opportunities, and however much I regret that she just can't do genuine relationships - she can't see past her own needs and see other people as people IYSWIM.

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She was (is) also an expert at presenting herself as a victim, and the more support she got (specialist teen pregnancy support worker, school counsellor etc) the more she manipulated them into attacking me if I tried to set boundaries and tackle her about her behaviour. Like so many without proper training around how attachment issues play out, they fell for her stories hook line and sinker.

Needless to say, none of those 'experts' are around any more, but I am...

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