More Survival Strategies

Telling school about adoption We have recently had this decision to make about our daughter starting school. She has been with us about a year and we had to decide whether to be open about her adoption and her behavioural issues or wait and see what happened. We chose to make the pre-emptive strike and be open with school as we had previously been with preschool. I agree that adoption should not be hidden as something shameful but also feel that it is acknowledging and allowing for our daughter’s differences, which allows her to have a more normal experience. So many of her difficulties are subtle and seem mild whilst she is at preschool and would have been over looked if staff were not aware of her history. Ignoring the difficulties by staff not being aware would not have made them disappear. from Neilhelen Keeping him calm! My son was just three when he came and for the first 18 months it was very hard work and he did have prolonged periods of terrible rage. However, he is now approaching his sixth birthday and there is a world of difference between him now and him then.  So there is hope! Things that helped us were: ·         Keeping a tight routine, day-in day-out ·         Keeping visits to family/friends or trips out to a bare minimum ·         Warm bubbly baths seemed to calm him down, so I often ran him a bath in the middle of the afternoon - he would splash and play happily in a bath for 30 minutes easily, whereas he would struggle to do anything else for any length of time.  I turned it into a playtime rather than a bath time and would often buy him bath toys to emphasise that the bath was a place to play.  ·         He was three when he arrived so was entitled to free nursery placement for 2.5 hours a day, which I took advantage of. I was able to have a breathing space most days and as a result I was definitely much calmer and less likely to get cross when things were difficult. I started really worrying about what he was doing, but after a while I decided that whatever happened it was their problem to deal with, not mine, and I would enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasted. ·         I introduced ‘mummy-time’ on the days he wasn't at nursery - it was time for me. To start with it lasted about 30 seconds, but over time my son accepted that I was having ‘mummy-time’ and I could sit down with a cuppa. I did it at the same time of the day, so it just became part of the routine. ·         His bedtime was unmovable - he was in bed by 6.30pm regardless of tears or tantrums, I would not budge on that. ·         We have a supermarket nearby, so I often used to do my food shopping of an evening when my husband was home from work. I avoided going shopping with son unless I had absolutely no other choice. I would go a couple of times a week in the evening, so I wasn't doing a huge shop, just enough for the next few days. I enjoyed just wheeling the trolley around the quiet shop. I sometimes went into the coffee shop as well (oh, the decadence of it).   Looking back now, as his speech and understanding improved at around about age four he became a lot calmer and he was able to watch TV and follow a basic storyline and also started to enjoy role-playing games (with a medical kit, a cooker, a till etc.), rather than getting bored after a minute or two. Now, it’s a different story. He is able to use the X-Box and the Wii and also play basic computer games. He loves playing with cars and also Lego and will spend ages totally absorbed in what he is doing, so sometimes I feel a bit superfluous to requirements!  He does like to know where I am though, and likes me to be in the same room as him. Even if he is not actually playing with me he plays better if I am around. So most days, for an hour or so after school, I can be found on the settee with my feet up reading, while my son plays quite happily on the rug next to the settee. A few years ago I felt I'd never be able to find the time to read ever again, so life has definitely taken a turn for the better over the last year or so. from DCO Increasing concentration span My son received some sessions of occupational therapy and for his short attention span the occupational therapist recommended he do physical exercise before a mental exercise. For example - 10 star jumps or hopping on one leg - before settling down to do a jigsaw, writing practice or drawing. Alternatively, she recommended some ‘jobs’ when the beginnings of distraction were starting, such as folding tea-towels, sorting socks or helping set the table. It works too for longer cartoons or DVDs, we force regular breaks (drink of milk, trip to the toilet) and this has replaced the dreaded "I'm bored" after 10 minutes of a programme. Now he can re-tell some of the story instead of the default "I don't know" when we ask him what happened - the breaks are getting further apart too, which is a relief. He can do a 50-piece jigsaw without giving up - it's hilarious to watch the tongue clenched between the teeth in concentration!  from Hollycat Lying Lying is the bane of my life at times. There seems to be worse phases of it and then it seems to get better - or perhaps I am not so wound up by it! The reasons for lying habitually are to do with the child's early past and the full understanding of the wrongness of lying or because the full grasp of reality and untruth is very hard for these children. The explanations I have found most helpful are: 1.     Control: if they feel they are controlling you it makes them feel safer, if the child can make you believe there was an alien landing who came and ate all the biscuits that is one up for them. They are in charge! Bad stuff will only happen on their terms. This is a survival strategy that may have literally kept them alive in the past. It is hard wired in. 2.     Past experience: deception is often very much part of these children’s lives. Hiding what was really going on at home from other people as well as living in an environment where honesty was not valued has impact. Abuse was explained as an ‘accident’ etc. There is also a sense of fulfillment of ‘compensating’ themselves for missing out on things in early life. 3.     Permanence: Holly van Gulden has revolutionised my understanding of this! She argues that these children don’t understand the permanence of objects, people and others. I have in my own mind extended this to events. In other words once something has happened, we know that it is history, and will remain the same. Our children don’t. It doesn’t matter if the truth would be simpler and easier for them - they automatically tell a whooper! They enjoy telling the story... 4.     Self worth and shame: in our house this is called the "killer shame" it is that powerful. It overwhelms the child and they cannot bear to think that they were in anyway responsible. They think you will hate them and hurt them if you know what they are ‘really’ like so cover it. The inner belief is that they are bad and not worth much and they act accordingly.   I don’t buy that children don’t know the truth and are just saying the way they see things I’m afraid. My daughter dissociates most of the time. This means she is very convincing that she is actually telling the truth when you know full well that she cannot be telling the truth at all. It can make you question red is in fact blue! But somewhere in there she does know what happened. Things that help are: 1.     Pick your battles: don’t let any lie go without commenting that you know that it's a whopper but only pin them down over one that you really need to pick up on. 2.     Scripted approach: you are Miss Marple with the evidence to convict! Even with scant evidence to the contrary if your radar is spotting that this is likely to be untrue then say a scripted approach - "I believe in all honesty that you have X. Therefore you need to Z to put things right between us. If I find out later that I have made a mistake I will apologise and make things right between us." 3.     Trustworthy concept: mine are now 13 and 11 so I have started to intro the concept of ‘trustworthy’ status! Rather than just reacting to them, I am trying to teach them a new skill! The rewards of being trustworthy in society are great, but they can be great at home too. To do this we do trust games. I trust them to post a letter and I watch them the first time, then they go themselves. Over the course of a year we can now send them to the park and know they will be home by a set time. Don’t be afraid to go back a step if needed. Mine know that they need to show trustworthiness three times before going up a step. Role play scenarios can also help.   Some people find that letting the child unravel in the lie helps, so what colour were the aliens wearing, did you ring the TV company or were they already filming in the area etc. This doesn’t work here. They enjoy the story more and have a cross moment when you say that it is ridiculous! from Dimples Can’t handle praise We do indirect praise. Examples: ·         Most would say ‘good girl’ eating up dinner - we would say ‘oh great, clean plate’. ·         Most would say ‘what a good girl you have been today’ - we say ‘what an enjoyable day it’s been today with you.’ ·         Most would say good work well done what a great picture you drew - we say wow what a wonderful picture. It takes a while to get used to, but so works. Our daughter can now accept little bits of praise and is starting to compliment herself - indirectly of course - a long journey from the child who when praised reverted back to not nice behaviours and parents who were very confused about the behaviours. So much for CAMHS and the social worker saying to praise her more - the more we did the more the behaviours reverted - they said we were not doing enough of it - we were doing too much of the wrong kind of praise and if it was not for my mother buying me a psychology magazine which had an interesting article - we would never have moved on. from Shes like the wind Concentration span My middle child will not sit still for more than 30 seconds, but I have found that making cakes or biscuits keeps his attention. I just buy the packet mixes as they are so simple and only take five minutes, but the kids do it. It keeps their minds on something and they have an end product. from Moodyblu Can’t handle praise My daughter could not cope with praise at all. Her self esteem was so low, that if we praised her she had a mental knee-jerk reaction which told her she didn't deserve it, so we must be lying and weren't to be trusted. She put up the shutters and was hard to reach. We found that she could only accept praise if it was indirect. We would praise the deed or the action rather than the child. So if she had done a good drawing rather than say 'You are so good at drawing' we would instead say 'What a lovely drawing, and what pretty colours'. If she had done something kind for someone we could remark that x was so pleased that y had been done for her. The difference is subtle, but somehow she could accept praise if it wasn't given directly to her. We made sure that she had plenty of opportunities to do things which she could be successful in, and feel she had achieved. Gradually over time her self esteem improved and she started to feel pride. Once she got to the stage where she could say she was proud of something we could gradually shift the praise from the deed or action onto herself. from Towanda Waiting Waiting, honestly, is the hardest part. Things that might help: 1. Think about all the things you've already achieved: information evening, first meeting, prep course, accepted for home study, CRBs, references, the home study itself (a huge achievement not to go barmy during), panel and approval! 2. All that's left is: Find littlies, Interview, Chosen as best match, Life Appreciation Day, Panel and Matched and Intros... you are well over half way there. 3. Every day without a match is one day closer to getting one. 4. It will happen. We never thought we'd find our little ones and here we are... 5. Accept that you're going to feel fed up and frustrated and do things that make you feel better. Girls night out, retail therapy, chocolate, large glass of wine. Whatever makes you feel better for now, do. from Pictus Photos and Letterbox contact We send an annual letter and photos, being careful not to have anything identifying on it. Just a word of caution though, if you have your photos developed, check the back of them, because sometimes they print the order number and surname on them (I know that one very large supermarket definitely prints your surname on the back of the photos). We tend to print them off using camera dock/printer. from Tiny Improving concentration span I find nursery rhymes useful in increasing attention - especially ones that have a "refrain" or action that is repeated and anticipated. Similarly simple picture books with a repeated element - waiting for the familiar bit can hold the attention for a while. from Queenie27 Improving concentration span I find nursery rhymes useful in increasing attention - especially ones that have a "refrain" or action that is repeated and anticipated. Similarly simple picture books with a repeated element - waiting for the familiar bit can hold the attention for a while. from Queenie27 Screaming My three-year-old daughter has been with us since she was 12 months old and until recently screamed an awful lot. I found it very wearing and hard to manage. Usually what started it was when she wasn't able to have something that she wanted or when things just didn't go quite as she wanted them to. She'd start screaming and carry on until she was purple. She'd lie on the floor and kick her heels against the floor. She'd sit up and scream at me and call me names. It really used to grate on me. Over the past few weeks I've noticed her changing. She will still go off on one, she still does have a shocking temper but she's now able to regulate herself and tends to calm down very quickly. She'll go off and scream but then the screams subside and the crying - real upset crying rather than tears of anger - starts. And then very quickly she'll come and find me, ask for a kit (kiss) and a hug and then it's all over. Until the next time… She's suddenly become more aware and will look at me first now to gauge my reaction to something she's about to do or say - judging by the look she gets from me she will stop and think and sometimes modify her behaviour. I think it's a positive. There is one thing though that I find works with all my three children when they're about to have a wobble... and that's tickling them. They're all really ticklish - middly particularly so - but just holding them and tickling or stroking their tummies and backs stop them in an instant. from Donatella Photos and letterbox contact We send photos that are quite obscure - such as our son with his face painted, or in fancy dress, or covered in sand at the seaside. Not very recognisable. We did however send each birth parent a close up photo just as son was placed - so they had a nice large photo to keep and frame if they wanted. After that then we deliberately obscure without refusing to send. We also send the odd picture our son has drawn (he chooses) which I am sure they like to see. The return letters from birth mum say things like - how big he's growing, how happy he looks, how good at drawing he is. Our son also benefits because his birth parents know how well he's doing and that he's happy. from Moonshadow Homework It's a nightmare isn't it? Eldest daughter used to work me up into a terrible state over her homework and she could make it last for hours. Now I explain what needs doing, make sure she understands, by doing a few examples, and then I leave her to it. If she doesn't do it or tries to get me to do it for her, throwing wobblies etc. I just say "Oh that's a pity you'll have to explain to Mrs L why you didn't do your homework" and I leave it at that. She adores her teacher and she doesn't want teacher to think badly of her so she usually does the homework. I refuse to get drawn into a big battle with me being the one who feels wretched and since I stay calm and put the ball back in my daughter’s court she usually sorts it out herself and peace reigns. Sometimes not caring too much works - give it a try and stay chilled! from JMK Choosing photos for letterbox contact The advice that we have been given is to send photos a year to 18 months out of date and ensure that they don't have identifying stuff in there - car number plate or street name sign in the background; particular building that would be recognisable; school uniforms; that sort of thing. So try to get them in normal clothes in a neutral background, such as at a park or against a hedge. from Corkwing Homework My son is seven and we have tears and the throwing of pens etc. across the table when he can't get things right first time. The school do a 'homework club' where the children are able to complete their homework at lunchtimes if they choose. If they don't do their homework then they lose their lunch time to do it then as well. I found that not forcing him to do it and allowing him to end up in homework club a couple of times soon made him realise that doing homework with mum rather than the nasty teacher he had supervising him was much better. On his reward chart there was also something to do with doing homework/reading. Special drink/snack sometimes helps too. from Sparklingstar Screaming I find the best thing with my little one is to work on the basis that he needs help calming down. My son is almost four, but really behaves more like two and a half. He has issues with not getting his own way and I have learned to handle it in a non-confrontational way. The rest of the family have started to understand how to do it as well, even my 15 year old birth son said to me recently “why does he calm down so much quicker for you?” He still blows up, not screaming anymore, but 'not like you anymore/not want you anymore' with a bit of chucking stuff round for good measure. I always respond positively and find it rare that he winds me up or stresses me now. He is calming down quicker now, beginning to accept some reasoning, is more accepting generally most of the time, but not all the time. The approaches I have learned on the message boards have helped me manage my adopted son no end. When he starts (a recent one is chucking the dining chairs over) I draw him to me as much as possible and talk calmly, quietly even, to him - if he is really mad, I may back off a little (to avoid getting a slap or a kick) and try again, but working on the basis of calming (almost like you would a hysterical baby) works for me, most of the time but I admit it isn't failsafe if I don't get in quick enough or he is really mad, tired and hungry (hunger makes a big negative difference I find). If hubby forgets my suggestions and I watch him dealing with him, with a voice and pitch which gets louder and higher, I can see my adopted son rising to the bait and getting worse, as hubby tries to metaphorically demand and snatch control back, rather than calming him and subtly sliding the upper hand back from under his nose. I know how wearing the screaming is, when my son was approaching two we went through a really bad phase of screaming and I just felt suffocated by it. It was not nice. from Midge Chewing fingers Nothing really works re our elder daughter, who does this all the time. I think that school do have some on-off successes with her, but when she's stressed out she'll chew her fingers whatever. The things we have found helpful are: ·         something else to fidget with - school provide her with fidget balls specifically for this ·         praising her lovely hands and fingers - and giving her hand cream (might not work so well with a boy I suppose) ·         getting her to sit on her hands in assembly (assembly or sitting on the mat time were always the worst for her) from Garden Homework I am a great believer in incentives. My son can really drag his feet about homework even though he's quite capable. I personally leave homework until Sunday morning, I’m usually doing a bit of housework and I set him off at his table. I pop in and out, give loads of praise and compliments for everything - sitting nicely, holding pencil properly, forming letters/numbers well, colouring in etc. Sometimes this is enough but at other times I have something nice to eat out on the kitchen table (that he has seen) for when it is finished if done well, or I mention something we will do together. I always stick to reality and treats only happen when he tries. Once it’s done I show a lot of pleasure at the end result and he is also pleased and if a treat is promised it happens. It works for us, the only time things go pear shaped really is if I’m tired - hence Sunday mornings! I guess with older children this approach would need to be modified. from Bubbly Tantrums About nine months ago, we went through the most awful time with our daughter. It seemed never-ending. The scenes were awful. She would scream and shriek with horrendous tantrums and people stared. She would lie down on the pavement and kick/scream/yell. Her face was bright red, she'd spit and snarl - it was horrible.  I couldn't get to the bottom of it. Except she'd started school recently - though seemed to be settled, making friends. Reading up and getting advice, I wrapped her in blankets, gave her a toy dummy, 'fed her' from a bottle, allowed her to say 'goo-goo, ga-ga', patted her etc. Even sang nursery rhymes - I can't sing for toffee. It really helped. I also changed my working practice to fit in with her. And it helped a lot. Most stressful though, was being told I should be firmer, show her who's boss! I knew instinctively that didn't feel right. I've read a lot since then and used the message boards, though I read them for a long time before I was able to post again. And things are tons better. She still loves to be a baby, and will curl under my jumper/T-shirt and tell me to 'push, mummy, I'm coming out!' from Gibson Les Paul Homework My son only has homework on a Friday - other than reading which he has every night. Thankfully as yet it's generally only one piece of work and either literacy or numeracy but I find that the longer we leave it to do it the less motivated he is. So on a Friday night he just about has time to take his coat off before we sit down together and work through it. I ignore the chaos the other two are causing and give him 100 per cent of my time and attention. Then it's done and he can forget all about it for the rest of the weekend - and so can I! And then I can go and clear up whatever mess the two little ones have created. from Donatella Screaming I had this with my daughter. Eventually found actually getting down to her level and giving her a big long cuddle and talking to her gently, then explaining things to her at her level worked. I thought it was going against the grain to do this to be honest but my social worker suggested it and I only tried it to prove to her how stupid it was because of course it wouldn't work. Was delighted that it did work, first time it took ages to calm her down then gradually it got less and less time. It’s so hard though, it’s really tiring. I'm so glad my daughter doesn't do this anymore. from Chubbymummy Food Anxieties My son, 13, gets the wobbles every time we go away on holiday - empty cupboards and boxes give him the real wobbles, even now! There are things I have done to help him, but we have had to accept that the desperate fear feeling will not go for him, but the thought of ‘I know that food will come’ will rationalise this, given time.   1.     Never ever send them into a shop hungry - they will steal and eat it. Always have a stash of food before shopping, or leave them outside for two minutes while you get them something! 2.     Keep food on him at all times. I make sure there is a pack of raisins in his pocket at all times. If you can eliminate the "ask mum first" rule do so, I know in the ideal world he won’t munch stuff just before dinner but raisins won’t spoil his appetite and not having to ask first removes a hurdle between him and food. 3.     De-criminalise stealing of food around the house. We have a big bowl of Kitkats etc. on the table on a Monday and it isn’t refilled until the following Monday. (If there is something nice, you don’t want them to have - hide it!) 4.     Do a menu for the week - everyone in the family gets a choice of one dinner and one pud over the weekends in our house. 5.     If you shop on line get him to check off the food on the list and see it go into the cupboard. 6.     Role play - we liked the Happyland (ELC) stuff when they were little: ‘what happens if there are no bananas left at home?’ ‘Yes! We get some money from mum and go to the little shop!’ Drive the Happyland family to the shop and act it out, repeat often. Directly relate to home with you - the worst thing that could happen is you would pop to the shop/ ask grandma to bring her cakes etc. 7.       Introduce him to a wide range of foods, every Sunday I used to make a fruit salad and they would choose a fruit each - we have had all sorts, dragon fruit, lychees, sharon fruit, kumquats etc. We have Italian, Indian, Chinese, Mexican etc at home. We also do some trad English stuff. Chicken wraps are their favourites and they love this - the whole salad basket goes on the table with cheese, avocado, tomato salsa etc.   As he gets older we get him more involved with the process of food - thinking about it, planning what we need, making a list, buying it, hygiene and safety rules, making it, eating it, tidying up. We need to assure him that with every feeling there is a thought and ‘soon’ his thought part will be bigger than his ‘feel’ around food. from Dimples   Getting children to play by themselves Our daughter had problems with this – she’s now seven and was six when she came to us. I'm not sure if it was her not knowing how to play? I think it was probably more that she needed (and still does at times) me to be with her 100 per cent of the time to make her feel safe and lower her anxiety level. Although I think I understood what was causing the behaviour, it was not practical to live with, so we sat around the table as a family and did a To Do list. Everyone shouted out activities and ideas (they had to be things she could do alone) and we made the list all pretty and colourful and then put it up. Whenever she came to me and I wasn't able to play with/be with her I directed her towards the list. Sometimes I needed to choose something off the list for her. It didn't always work, depending on her levels of anxieties, but most times it would give me a 20-30 minute breathing space. We had to re-think bedtime as our daughter would try and keep me hostage in her room as she didn't want me to leave. It was getting sillier and sillier and culminated in her biting me one night as I insisted she let me out of her bedroom. I know why she behaves like this, but on a practical level us adults have to have some time to call our own. So we decided that she would go and get ready for bed and then come downstairs to say goodnight just before she's ready to settle to sleep. We've only been doing this for a couple of weeks and so far it's working well. from Rexel Control We spent many a time trying to get the battles over with - as we were told our daughter had no problems just wilful and spirited! We were very new and totally not prepared for what was going to hit us. Learning the hard way is what we have done the last four years! Now I’m educating myself and with the help of our angel - new freelance play therapist - life is different. We still have our times, but we don’t give a choice - or else leads to disregulating as we have found she can’t make choices. So we baby step it or just give (re food), so no choice is needed. We don’t say everything so she can’t fuss and get into a stew about it - i.e. going on a trip or outing; it’s ‘we are going in the car’. She now asks where we are going when in the car so we can now say ‘it’s something nice you can see when you get there.’ There is a routine for everything. We say things like ‘as a responsible grown up it is my job to make sure you do things like wash - if I didn’t, it would be me not doing my job and you would be dirty and smelly and that is not ok for me to do that.’   Food – it’s there on table, your choice if you eat it, but there is nothing else until the next meal time - so you go hungry not me - as a responsible grown up I have provided you with food, it’s your choice if you eat it or not! She mainly now eats her food with no battles! Clothes - we have done lots of work with clothes (clothes is choice - so we have sets - best and play). If you don’t get dressed you go as you stand, so your choice if you want to be undressed, naked, half dressed or as most people completely dressed. We have now never left the house undressed - funny mixture of clothes sometimes! Stories - we don’t do bedtime stories as this was always a problem. We just read anytime. She chooses story and I’m ok with that - if I want one then I say; ‘I have this wonderful book /story, when you are ready I will read it’ of course she wants it to be read! Playing was always her choice as this would be battle – she didn’t really play either, whatever I said was not ok -so I say ‘you have lots of things’ and give some examples - again choice so she always finds this hard. I say ‘I want to play this game’ and set it out and she will play. If I say ‘what game shall we play’ she will not do or she will ask if I want to play… This is usually the same game so it gets a little boring. from Shes like the wind Building Self Esteem This list is pretty general, but some of it may help. Our children now 13 and eight: • Find something they are good at - doesn’t have to be academic, but needs to be something they enjoy. Both of ours love rock climbing, horse riding and swimming, none of them to competition level, just enough to let them know they succeed at something. • Praise everything, no matter how small an achievement it is. • Start each morning off with a positive comment, and end each evening with a positive comment, this can be really hard and there are nights when I have resorted telling our eldest how well she got into her pyjamas or how lovely she looks in them, when there has been nothing else to draw on. This morning, our youngest was complimented on how nicely she woke me (by tapping my arm gently). • Keep physical contact going, even if it is just fuzzing the top of their hair as they pass, or a touch on their arm as you are talking to them. • Tell them you love them – often, or at least every night before they go asleep. • Start each day as a fresh day, no matter how horrendous the day before was, try to give them the benefit of the doubt that today will be better. • Praise them when they’re not expecting it. • Say sorry when you have made a mistake, helps them realise that they are not always in the wrong. • Laugh with them often – try and have fun together. • Sit with them when they are busy, our youngest loves to have someone in the room with her. • Tell them why they may be feeling the way they do. Both our girls have complex needs and it helps them to understand they are not the only one to struggle with X, Y or Z. • Try not to nag – I’m using ‘modelling’ with our two at the moment, emotionally they are both very toddler, so I have decided instead of moaning about things that aren’t done, I will very quietly and with no fuss or comment, do them (e.g. tidying bedrooms is the big one here at the moment), as I would if they were toddlers. Our eldest daughter is so much happier because of this, and came and gave me a hug the other night as I had tidied her room (it took me all of 10 minutes). • Turn things around, If our eldest is really getting to me, criticising me and knocking me down, I have a very good idea that her self esteem is at rock bottom, instead of matching like with like, I try to do the opposite and find stuff to praise her for. She doesn’t accept this praise easily, but it lifts her mood much more quickly. • Try and find time to be with each on their own, doing something they enjoy, helps our two feel valued and important. • Surprise them with fun things every now and again – don’t have to be big or expensive, the knowledge that I have thought of them while I was out and about really lifts our two. • Use time in instead of time out, keeping me company while I fold washing is our eldest’s idea of hell, but as a way of keeping her close it works brilliantly and is far more effective than time out, which she likes as it reinforces her very low view of herself. • Explain why what they did was not acceptable/dangerous, don’t just shout. • Be careful how you speak to them. I don’t tell our girls they are naughty or bad, I tell them to stop whatever it is I want them to stop, and explain why. Our eldest daughter is too good at reading facial expression, so try and watch that too. • Tell them if you are getting angry and move away if you can to diffuse the situation before things get out of hand - this stops me saying things I would regret in future. • Listen to what they have to say – they are entitled to their own views and opinions, we might not like what they say but it cuts both ways. • Make some decisions by committee – over the summer holidays we timetable our weeks, and at the start of the holiday we all sit down and discuss what each of us would like to do, places to visit etc, and these are worked into the plans. • Explain decisions to them – obviously not all of them, but things that are important to them etc. We discussed changing our travel arrangements with the girls for our holiday, they didn’t agree with the plan, but they do know why we have made the decision we have. • Plan ahead. If you know the situation you are going into is going to be difficult, plan in advance how you will handle disruptive/bad behaviour and at which point you will remove them if need be to support them, before it all comes crashing down and everyone’s self esteem is hammered. • Talk to them and prepare them to succeed and not to fail. We use this a lot with our youngest daughter who has social and communication difficulties, we explain to her what will be happening and who she is to tell if she doesn’t feel she is managing well (which is usually Dad or I), this means she can be in charge of getting herself out of a situation, and if she doesn’t realise she isn’t coping, we step in before too much damage is done. from Hippychick Control I wouldn't go so far as to say my son is controlling in the accepted sense of the word, although he does have his own opinions on most things and I sometimes have to stand very firm. My advice would be to think about how you phrase things and try to avoid issuing orders. I might say "shall we go to the park on the way home from the shops" thus sliding in the fact that we have to go to the shop at the end of the sentence, and camouflaging it with a trip to the park. Also, don't state consequences that you can't carry through or which would make things difficult for you if you had to carry them through. I once said "if you don't do such and such then we are not going on that bus ride" but as soon as I said it I realised we had to go on the bus to get the car back from the garage, so it was a really daft thing to say, as whatever happened we would have to catch the bus. I have started saying ‘you may choose the behaviour and I may choose the consequence’. Yesterday he said "I want to choose the consequence, I want a sweetie" so I said "Good choice, now it’s my turn to choose the behaviour - put your Lego away please", and he did quite happily. Not sure I want to play his version too often though! from DCO Building Self Esteem My nearly eight-year-old can have low self esteem, mainly about academic activities. Recently I was on a course for work (as teacher) and the speaker, who was inspirational, said something I have never thought of before. She said to tell a child who can't do something that 'soon' they will be able to - obviously has to be within their reach. I went straight home and helped my daughter practice her joined handwriting. When she was, as usual, berating herself for a join she couldn't quite managed, I said something like 'you are doing so well, I can see you will soon be able to do this' - and she relaxed and had a go. That and praising every little thing that went well in her writing had an amazing effect and we did much more than I thought we would. In the end she was almost demanding to continue! from Milly Where did I come from? Our son came to us at just over two. We did have a photo album from the foster carer and some of him with the birth mum during supervised visits, though he showed no interest in it really, but they were there if he wanted to look at them. Then when he was about three a friend was pregnant. This provided me with the chance to say that ‘babies come from ladies’ tummies, but you remember you didn't come from mine, we adopted you’ (though he had no idea what this really meant), but this satisfied him at the stage. We then went on to say why he could not stay with his birth mum and how our social worker helped us to find each other. He would sometimes say things like ‘when I was little did I…’ I would then say do you remember we didn't adopt you until you were a bit older, you did that when you lived with your birth mum/foster carer. Again he was happy with this. The thing is it was not until he started school that I realised he then thought that everyone was adopted and that all his friends would have tummy mummies too, so I had to explain that some children stayed with their tummy mummies. Now he is much older he has started to ask why I was not able to have my own baby from my tummy. I explained that I cannot grow a baby inside me as those bits of me do not work properly (he told me I should eat healthier food then). He has now been with us five years and talking about adoption is still something we do and will always need to do. At times he forgets and still asks me things about himself that did not happen when he was with us, so we go through what happened again, but he does say "oh yes I remember now you adopted me." from Sunflower6 Writing letterbox I find writing letterbox hard. Our daughter came to us at 13 months but as I don't get time to write a diary, I feel at least I have all the letters I have written to refer back to, to see what our daughter was doing and when. We don't have any issues (yet), our daughter has no memories of birth mum as far as we know and we do show photos and talk about birth mum. All is going really well but the main thing I think about when I write these letters is that my daughter will read them one day. Write what's right for you and your child, but for what it's worth, I don't think I would want the birth mum to know about what they remember – I don't think it will be helpful to us or her. from Tissy Control The foster carer who had my daughter when she first went into care had had 81 previous children and tried the adult being in control and things became so bad, it ended up becoming abusive. I find it helps to identify that she is being controlling which means she must be feeling anxious, and wonder what it is. Also it can help saying something like; ‘I can see having the last word is important to you - so go ahead, but it won’t change what I think’ or ‘I bet you are going to shout and scream about this’. Control battles are a matter of life or death to her. When my daughter is feeling calm and safe (the rare occasions) she is easy and the despotic control is almost non-existent. From a personal experience of assault, - the lack of control over my fate and the events afterwards have left me with a feeling of panic when controlled, so I can understand how hard it must be for our children. from Shadow Night Time Wanderings My daughter ruffles about in the night when she is anxious. It is a security thing as she feels unsafe - and fear of monsters is a common factor here too. One thing that has helped is to give her a rustling box in her room when she is stressed. This means she need not leave her room to find food, a stopper drink (so it doesn’t spill) she finds eating comforting in itself. We also put in there pictures of all of the close family and the caption – ‘remember we love you.’ All the things that make her happy - dolphins, glittery sticker book etc. are in there, little princess stories... Night lights and pillow spray help as well as teaching her that she has the power to end her dreams, when this has happened she visits me and I pray with her that she dreams nice things and off she goes to bed again. You could do a nice poem if you aren’t a faith family. I know that when things were really bad that we approached CAMHS about medication for her but in the end we didn’t use it. She is very highly strung and when things were very tricky we would find her asleep on the floor in various locations around the house. In the end we redecorated her room and we went for very calm cream and misty bluey/lilac (dewberry frost I think) sparkly boarder etc. We had the local vicar come and bless our house and the children were present for this. This seemed to really help the children. It’s exhausting I know - these are just ideas to try but are not really quick fix answers. from Dimples Control My daughter was five when she arrived, and was very controlling. I dealt with it in this way and it worked. Basically, I cut all of my daughter’s choices - I took control of everything. I told her what she was going to wear, what she was going to eat, what book we were going to read etc. I even brushed her hair for her. She had very few choices. Those she did have were win-win situations for me (for example, she could choose to walk beside me, or she could choose to run off and so have to hold my hand all the way home - if she ran off, I'd calmly tell her that I had noticed she had chosen to run off and so had chosen to hold my hand. Then she'd have to hold my hand). When she began to feel safer, and tried taking control from me less often, I slowly introduced her choices and control back. So she was able to brush her own hair, then was allowed to choose her own clothes, then had a choice between two meals etc. If she tried to control me again, she lost her choices. It took a very long time, but she did eventually learn to trust me and stopped most of her control battles (she's now nine). Now she only gets really controlling when she's anxious - which is a useful guide to when something is bothering her. I would also advise you to choose your battles. Don't start anything you can't win. With my daughter, if I made a mistake and battled over something I couldn't control (e.g. trying to get her to eat all her breakfast), then this set things back big time - she'd get even more controlling as she had been given proof that I wasn't able to take charge and look after her. from FehrScaper Control When we adopted our son (aged four), the therapist that we were seeing at the time had this advice for us. He is using control in order to feel safe. He doesn't feel safe with adults in charge and therefore only feels safe (to some extent) when he's in charge and controlling the situation. He will only stop the controlling behaviour when he feels safe. Therefore he has to learn that adults can be in charge and he can still be safe. Initially, we had to cut down the things that he had control over to virtually nil and allow very small choices over the remainder. We chose what room he was in, when he went to the toilet, what he wore, ate, etc. We sometimes allowed him to, say, choose between one of two cereals, but even that was agonising for him. It was very hard work, particularly as we are laid-back people and not at all control freaks. We hope that it has worked! Obviously now we have backed off and given him more control as we felt he was able to accept it. Whether we've done that at the right time or to the right extent, we don't know. Another thing to be aware of is how your children view control battles. If you've fought 100 battles today and won 95 then you think you've done well because you've won 95 per cent. Your child doesn't. Your child will look at absolutes and see that they've beaten you, an adult, five times. They therefore see you as weak and themselves as strong. Which is a problem because (according to Greg Keck) they will only feel secure with you if they feel that you are stronger than them. He goes further and claims that children only believe that you're strong enough to look after them if they think you're strong enough to kill them. He didn't go on to give any recommendations on that, such as dangling them over a cliff, and I have no way of verifying it. So, you have to win every control battle that you enter into. Which is hard because it's easy to slip into one casually. "OK, we're going out to the park. Pop your shoes on." Oh, dear! You've issued a command and entered a control battle. Easy to do. It's also hard because your child will probably set up control battles without you realising it. If you say, "Put on your shoes and your coat" you may feel that you've seen wonderful compliance because your child goes and puts on her coat then her shoes. The child may see that you gave a command indicating an order of doing things and she won because she didn't do it in the order specified. (The solution is to tell them, "in whatever order you want" if you see this going on). There are some control battles that you cannot win. You cannot control what goes into their mouth or what comes out of it. You can't make them eat something nor stop them swearing. Neither can you control what they do with their eyes. I made a mistake one of the first times that we met our son. He ran off down the road towards a car park entrance. I hared after him, grabbed him, turned him round and said, "Look at me," prior to telling him why it was dangerous. Silly mistake for me to make, but I was very green. Luckily he did it or I'd have lost one of the very first control battles that I entered into. But it's still a mistake I make today. With things like eating, it's pretty much, "Here's the meal. Eat it if you want. If you don't want, that's fine". Obviously that's easy to say, but we well know the sort of consequences that we parents have to endure for making that sort of decision! I know it's really hard to do this. It's probably entirely unnatural to you, goes against the grain of everything that you see around you and causes huge flare ups when the poor, scared child loses a battle and feels unsafe. from Corkwing Control My daughter, aged four, is very controlling. She used to take care of her older brother before and during foster care. It didn't help that she had loads of attention and got her own way in foster care. Things are still quite difficult and I had a really bad time about four/five months into placement. We are now seven months into placement and things have improved but she can still drive me to distraction. What helps is lots of reassurance. I don't try and fight every battle, but I don't give in once I've said what’s happening. This has resulted in some of the loudest tantrums I've ever heard. These may be public or private (good job the neighbours know how she is). But she does now realise I mean what I say. It's worse when she is anxious so it’s difficult now as she is about to start reception. So I'm making it fun rather than scary, letting her choose a lunch box etc. and giving lots of reassurance. The friends’ problem I haven't cracked yet - she is a bit full on for children her age, but older children seem to understand her better. from Nomad Writing letterbox I do letterbox contact twice a year and over the past two years I have started to be a bit more open about some of the problems that the children have had. I have always stuck to the facts as much as possible and avoid the temptation to say "you did this to your own flesh and blood - how could you? And now this is what has happened!" I do say, for example, that our son continues to find it difficult to choose good friends but enjoys the company of other children at school, particularly enjoying his sports teams. It is a bit ‘school report’ ish but I got fed up painting a rosy picture when it felt like I was being disloyal to my adopted children by not giving the broader picture. I have always talked about and shared the letters with the adopted children (who show no interest at all). from Dimples Where did I come from? I think being honest in an age appropriate way is best. When my seven-year-old asked (been with us from tiny), I explained that no, she grew in her birth mum’s tummy but that her birth mum made the wrong choices in life and couldn’t look after her the way babies need to be looked after. She also said she wished she had grown in mine. But my answer was that it would have been wonderful if she had, but she wouldn’t be the same little girl that I adore so I’m glad her birth mum had her in her tummy and made my wonderful little girl who she is. I also tell her I’m so happy her birth mum kept her safe in her tummy to be born and that although birth mum made the wrong choice, she made a good choice to have her and must have stroked her tummy and talked to her. It’s a tricky one and each family has to handle it in a way they know their child will understand. Drip feeding is the best way though. from Gimli Where did I come from? My three were 11 months, 18 months and two-and-a-half months at placement. They are now 11, seven and three. They are from two different birth families. We've just drip fed the info by mentioning birth family members in passing and answering any questions that come up. They are quite matter of fact about it and know that they grew in mummy X’s tummy and that X, Y and Z are their brothers and sisters. They also know that they are not all blood related and that eldest has a different ‘tummy mummy’ but they are still brothers and sisters because we adopted them all. We have always had some form of contact with birth family members. Eldest sees an older sibling three times a year and has letterbox with birth mum, younger two see their birth parents, birth grandparents and siblings three times a year plus letterbox contact, so I guess that the fact they have another family is an open subject for us. My three-year-old mentions mummy X and daddy X in conversation although he doesn't understand the dynamics of who they really are yet. from Traci Writing letterbox It gets so much harder as time goes on, because you really do feel like the children are all yours, and you do find it difficult giving a relative stranger personal details about your lives. We've just done our second letterbox, and I found it so much harder than the first one. We are such a closely bonded family now, and I actually kind of resented having to share our lives. We have also had one or two problems with our elder son, and I really wanted to say "look what you've done - look at all the problems you've caused." But of course I couldn't say that, as the nice letterbox administrators would have rejected it as being too negative. It seems the birth mum only wants to hear nice things about the children, and we are discouraged from giving a warts and all account, as this would upset her too much! We just kept it newsy and chatty, and told her the good things, but glossed over the bad. from Rosie15 Where did I come from? I've had three babies and this is something that I've talked about with them pretty much right from the start. I tend to do it in a casual way and start from when they're very young - my three arrived at five months and two at 12 months respectively. I suppose we're lucky as we do have photographs of birth mothers but we only have lifestory books for two of our children. For our eldest we just have a photograph album put together by his foster carers. I don't read from the lifestory books as they're too old and too complicated for my two little ones yet but we have looked at the photographs and I have talked to them about who is who. The first time is the hardest but what I've just said is something like: “that is X and you grew in X’s tummy before coming to mammy and daddy." I've explained to them that mammy couldn't grow a baby herself and so we asked some nice ladies (social workers) whether there was a baby out there who needed a forever mammy and daddy. And then we found you. I've told them that their tummy mummies weren't able to look after them - that they had some problems of their own and that sometimes babies could be very hard to look after properly. Sometimes we take our cue from wildlife programmes, generally though it's just something that crops up in the most unexpected places! Travelling in the car seems to be a good one. My two boys now know who their birth mothers are and why they weren't able to stay with them. When they have said that they wished they'd grown in my tummy I've told them that so do I - but that I couldn't love them any more if they had. It gets easier, but my tip is to start when they're very young, before they're able to even speak - you'd be surprised at how much they actually take in. from Donatella Writing letterbox I just posted our contact letters this morning. It is difficult to know what to say in these letters and you must do what feels right for you and your child. I have decided that I won't refer to anything personal or from his past unless I am hoping to resolve an issue, but as we never get replies it would be a fruitless exercise. After a very trying time I was tempted once to do a warts and all letter, but it would have been for the wrong reasons. It would have been me saying "look what you have done to this child" which at the end of the day wasn't going to be helpful to anyone in the long run. You could write a warts