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Letterbox contact We have one way letterbox contact with the birth mum for our three in a couple of months. This year is my second. I actually found it quite easy. I have to say I couldn't bring myself to write "Dear XX" and so I put "Hi XX". I introduced myself (first name only) and then my husband and said how long the children had been with us and that they were loved very much by all. I basically wrote what I would like to receive myself if the children were not with me. I was careful to try not to upset anyone and referred Grandma and Grandad as "my Mum" or "my Dad". My youngest is very close to my father, which I told her but using exactly that phrase rather than Grandad as obviously birth mum would be thinking her own family are Grandad, Grandma etc. I did an A4 sheet of paper which was generally about all of us - what we do together. Then I did A4 sheets for each child and inserted two photos of each of them - it gives her more to look at and me less to have to write. I also sent a couple of photos on proper photo paper. The children's social worker said it was the best contact letter they'd ever passed on! I kept the info short and said how each was doing in school, their interests, how they were riding bikes, swimming and reading and also what they liked to eat. I ended each page with a positive and very personal note about the children e.g. my daughter’s ended: XX is beautiful and will be successful at whatever she does because of her determination. My only problem is not getting any feedback from birth mum. I'm trying to change the arrangement but whether she'll agree, well we'll see.
from Honey Bun
Shouting
Try whispering, and try to be aware of whether the general environment is noisy or quiet? Sometimes children end up shouting when that's what everybody else around them is doing. How loud is the TV if it's on? Music? I think reminding them to use their "indoor voice" is a good idea, but you'd need to say it in the way you want them to speak (i.e. softly). The other thing to watch out for is if he/she is having trouble hearing. There are very easy ways to test that (for example asking very quietly whether they want to have chocolate).
from Pianojo
Chaotic mealtimes
We once tried removing the food from one of our children who was acting up at the table. Big mistake. Triggered too many terrible memories. So that didn't work for us, but I can see that for a child who does not have a history of being deprived of food it could work well. The two things that worked best for us were; changing seating places at the table. Our daughter would act up terribly at the table to seek negative attention from me. At that time she sat opposite me and we had a lot of eye contact at mealtimes. We swapped places and our daughter now sits next to me (little eye contact). We have also found taking the child and the meal away from the table and sitting them alone on the floor in another room to eat their meal works well. We use the conservatory as it's a tiled floor and easy to clean up any mess made in anger. Both very effective strategies which worked well with our two when they were about six and seven. from Rexel
Letterbox contact
We do one every year to birth mum and maternal grandmother on behalf of siblings and I have to say that I find it more and more difficult each year. The longer he's here the more 'mine' he is and the harder it gets having to tell a stranger what he is up to. I do, of course, appreciate that she's his birth mum and will always be that but it doesn't make it any easier. I do mine in the form of a report - we're not allowed to use our names so it seems a bit unequal for me to use theirs - so I don't. It's all anonymous for very good reasons. I tend to keep a Word document going through the year and make notes so that come September I remember what he's done. I include things like height, weight, how he's doing in school, what he's learned to do (this year ride a bike and learn to swim), briefly mention birthday party, what he likes to do, what his favourite things on TV are, whether he likes to draw, what food he likes to eat, what he doesn't like to do/eat, briefly mention holidays. I also tell her that he is aware of her existence, knows her name and that we do tell him about her.
from Donatella
Letterbox contact
We do one every year to birth mum and maternal grandmother on behalf of siblings and I have to say that I find it more and more difficult each year. The longer he's here the more 'mine' he is and the harder it gets having to tell a stranger what he is up to. I do, of course, appreciate that she's his birth mum and will always be that but it doesn't make it any easier. I do mine in the form of a report - we're not allowed to use our names so it seems a bit unequal for me to use theirs - so I don't. It's all anonymous for very good reasons. I tend to keep a Word document going through the year and make notes so that come September I remember what he's done. I include things like height, weight, how he's doing in school, what he's learned to do (this year ride a bike and learn to swim), briefly mention birthday party, what he likes to do, what his favourite things on TV are, whether he likes to draw, what food he likes to eat, what he doesn't like to do/eat, briefly mention holidays. I also tell her that he is aware of her existence, knows her name and that we do tell him about her.
from Donatella
Difficult behaviour in early days of placement
Keep a very detailed diary for about a week of how he/she is behaving - detail everything, so you have all the drawer banging incidents, hurting you etc. Present this to your social worker when you next have a meeting and explain that you feel that his behaviours are worrying and that you need help. from Garden
Rages Now, I know she is 11- but with the emotional literacy level of a 2.5yr old and this is what we do.
1) We try all the distraction stuff
2) When we see the red mist descending, we get her to do something physical (bouncing on trampoline, rolling mohdoh) When she was 4-5 she had and angry box (a cardboard box) and she would whack that, tear it, bash it etc...
3) Parenting her differently - tag team. Her rages are stressful to live through so when there are two of us about we use a tag team approach so that one of us can be with her and speak calmly and evenly. When we feel our adult temperature rising we call "tag!" to the other. Then we swap over while the other goes and does something nice with the other children. If no partner around leave them to it and tell them that you will be sitting outside the door for two mins and breathing!
4) When it becomes a terrified rage of length and magnitude! We use a very structured approach- we call this the scripted approach. Here's what it looks like in practice. Say for example our daughter is off on one because she has been rumbled for stealing and eating the chocs.
Daughter: "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaagh it wasnt ME AAAAAAAgh"
Mum- "I can see that you are really very scared about the choc situation and you are showing anger"
Daughter: "I am NOT angry I DONT EVEN LIKE STUPID CHOCOLATE AAAAAAAAAgh!"
For a littler child it might be:
Child- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAgh!
Mum- Oh you are showing mummy cross and frightened!
Child- NO NO NO NO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAgh!
Mum- "when you are cross and frightened we go into the X room so we are safe." (or it might mean that you move everyone else into the lounge to watch a DVD)
Child- NNNNoooo dont want to AAAAAAAgh!
Mum- "tag!"
Dad- "Show the angry box how you feel- like this! (whack!)"
Child- (glares still furious at the box- the MOMENT they move to touch the box..)
Dad- "Wow- excellent! You get that crossness out!"
Child- (whacks 10 bells out of the box, Dad encourages child and giggles with them.)
Dad- "lets put things right- Mummy!"
Mum and Dad hug child.
We used this method until our daughter was a bit too old for the box method (about nine years). It reduced the length of the wobblies to a more manageable 15 mins. We made a cartoon timetable of "what happens in a wobbler!" to help her feel even more secure. The important bit is the same things happen in the same order each time. For a tiny child it would be at a simpler level.
from Dimples
Chaotic mealtimes Change things around at the table and start again. If you can, turn the table around, or if you have set places for you all, change the seating arrangement, then start mealtimes how you want them to be. Serve the food, give the cutlery but don't make comments to encourage them, rather just praise what they are doing even if it’s; "I can see you are holding your knife and fork - that's good, well done." Carry on eating yours, making appreciative noises, talk to anyone at the table. If they aren't eating how you want them to, take the food away saying in a calm voice; "Ok I can see you're not hungry, never mind." I think the key is not to let them see your disappointment/disgust/anger/whatever. And remember they will not starve themselves to death and will eat something when their body tells them it needs it.
from Mummamoo
Difficulty sleeping
Have you tried putting a CD on when you leave your child for the night? We have recently started doing this with our seven- year-old who we have had all sorts of sleep issues with. Our daughter is very much scared of monsters, things under the bed etc. We bought a CD of lullabies two weeks ago and we have had undisturbed, peaceful nights ever since. Bliss!
from Rexel
Rocking
Our two, age five and six, both rock in quite an extreme way, though they don't deliberately head bang. They did this all the way through foster care and, according to a birth family member, did this before coming into care too. We've seen our local equivalent of CAMHS, partly about this. The strong feeling is that it is the coping mechanism they have created for themselves for the lack of nurture they received as babies. They didn't get it from their birth mum so had to find ways of comforting themselves. We were told it is really quite common and it's a matter of us now replacing that self-comforting with something that is less extreme and an acceptance of comfort from us. Rocking them ourselves, being a close presence and other sensory things like those already mentioned are likely to be the way forward.
from Merry
Food issues
My son at 13 gets the wobbles everytime we go away on holiday - empty cupboards and boxes give him the real wobbles, even now! There are things I have done to help him but have had to accept that the desperate fear feeling will not go for him but the thought of ‘I know that food will come’ will rationalise this, given time.
1. Never ever send them into a shop hungry. They will steal and eat it. Always have a stash of nosh before a shop or leave them outside for two mins while you get them something!
2. Keep food on them at all times. I make sure there is a pack of raisins in his pocket at all times. If you can eliminate the "ask mum first" rule do so, I know in the ideal world he won’t munch stuff two mins before dinner but raisins won’t spoil his appetite and not having to ask first removes a ‘hurdle’ between him and food
3. De-criminalise stealing of food around the house. This is in our situation with children who steal habitually. We have a big bowl of Kit Kats etc. on the table on a Monday and it isn’t refilled ‘til the following Monday (if there is something nice, you don’t want them to have - hide it!).
4. Do a menu for the week- everyone in the family gets a choice of one dinner and one pud over the weekends in our house.
5. If you shop online get them to check off the food on the list. See it go into the cupboard.
6. Role play- we liked the Happyland (ELC) stuff when they were little. What happens if there are no bananas left at home? Yes! We get some money from mum and go to the little shop! Drive the Happyland family to the shop and act it out, repeat often. Directly relate to home with you- the worst thing that could happen is you would pop to the shop/ ask grandma to bring her cakes etc.
7. Introduce them to a wide range of foods, every Sunday I used to make a fruit salad and they would choose a fruit each- we have had all sorts, dragon fruit, lychees, sharon fruit, kumquats etc. We have Italian, Indian, Chinese, Mexican etc. at home. We also do some trad English stuff. Chicken wraps are their favourites and they love this- the whole salad basket goes on the table with cheese, avocado, tomato salsa etc. This week big excitement... radishes!
As they get older get them more involved with the process of food - thinking about it, planning what you need, making a list, buying it, hygiene and safety rules, making it, eating it! Tidying up, write it on their repertoire for when they open their own restaurant and make you comfortable in your old age! You need to assure them that with every feeling there is a thought and ‘soon’ their thought part will be bigger than their ‘feel’ around food.
from Dimples
Difficulty sleeping
Have you tried putting a CD on when you leave your child for the night? We have recently started doing this with our seven-year-old who we have had all sorts of sleep issues with. Our daughter is very much scared of monsters, things under the bed etc. We bought a CD of lullabies two weeks ago and we have had undisturbed, peaceful nights ever since. Bliss!
from Rexel
Trouble making friends
We often had kids at school that just couldn't make friends, almost as if there was some sort of invisible aura around them that put their peer group off, very sad, but several of them were absolutely brilliant with certain animals. One lad (not diagnosed with any disorders, just had a bad background) who was an absolute nightmare in behaviour terms and just too unpredictable for any of the other kids to build a relationship with, was a complete bat addict! He got work experience with a bat conservation group and has actually got a job with them now. He can never get those lost years back but working with other people with a common interest has really allowed him to start making friends, something about handling and caring for the animals taught him to be calm and focussed and predictable, therefore an easier person to get on with.
from Pix
Spitting
My four-year-old has started blowing raspberries when angry - though as she also shouts abuse, it's not the worst thing she does. My experience is that the more you notice it, the more it happens. Shouting doesn't work with her - it increases her rage and with it the bad behaviour. What I do try to do is explain it's wrong when she's calm - in the hope the drip feeding will at least give her an indication of what is and isn't acceptable - and where possible use consequences, as in, 'You can have x when you stop spitting/shouting/whatever' so there is some sort of reward for the times she doesn't do it. But not sure if I am making any headway! Because she only does it in a rage when she has lost control, it's probably better for us to focus on helping her regain control than dealing with the behaviour. Better to deal with that when she does it deliberately to provoke.
from Milly
Hitting, spitting and more
I used to react opposite to my natural reaction to my foster daughter when she was doing things I didn't like i.e. if she spat instead of telling her off, I would say 'that's not very good I'm sure you could spit much further/harder' and she immediately say 'I don't want to' and the behaviour stopped (worked with hitting me, slamming doors). from Finoni9
Increasing concentration span
We have this issue with both of our boys. It depends on the interests of the child but some suggestions:
1. Story tapes/MP3/CDs - start short and work upwards, with and without books. 2. Kumon maths - unbelievable outcomes for our oldest who needs one to one at school, but manages this style of learning completely independently!
3. Jigsaw puzzles - this only works on youngest - oldest absolutely hates puzzles!
4. Very structured suggestions e.g. you have two minutes to build a castle with blocks - I'll set the timer. Do it with them first and then help them to do it independently.
5. Lots and lots of physical exercise opportunities. Football or any sport for littly and very long walks for oldest.
6. A loving cuddle also really seems to help when things have gone completely wild!
from Archiecat
Spitting
Our son (six) went through a phase of this at school last term. It doesn't press my buttons particularly, but it really wound school up a treat.
1. We explained that saliva contains bugs and nasties (he didn't know this) so it is socially unacceptable and unhygenic.
2. We did some role play about assertive communication in difficult situations (which is when he does it) and will need to continue with this - he finds it really tricky.
3. I made a list of nice things to do to people and things which we are not keen on and he stuck smiley or sad faces next o these things (I was trying to get him to make a link). He did this a couple of times and I left the nice list on the wall by his bed.
It’s a tricky one because it really does press some people's buttons.
from Archiecat
Getting a break
If you live near an Ikea they have Ofsted inspected play areas and I used to put my son’s name down for the next available slot, go round Ikea with him, let him have 'meatballs' (yuck, but he likes them!) and then take him for his 40/45 minutes and go and have a coffee in the cafe with a good book. They give you a pager so you can be contacted and I used to pop back, half way through when my son was little, but he was always OK, and this was one of the few places I could leave him. They were very good with special needs too. There are other local activities, but this was the only one I found available with qualified staff to supervise the children, without pre-booking it and it's difficult to pre-book your 'I've had enough' moment.
from Lonsdale
Biting and headbanging
My son, now two, has been with us seven months and went through a bad stage of biting when frustrated/angry - mainly me, or his toys or the table if he bumped into it. He also had a bad spate of headbanging the floor about two months ago when angry and if something didn't go how he wanted. I've noticed that the biting and headbanging tend to occur in phases where he is either teething or really tired - his moods seem to be like very bad PMS and he has no frustration control during these times! Also, before coming down with a cold or under the weather. With the headbanging we were advised to ignore it totally and it seems to have worked so is rare now. I think that once he realised he couldn't control the situation and get a reaction by headbanging he gave it up (hopefully for good!)The biting seems to be more of is a knee-jerk frustration/anger response and appears to be out of his control at the time - and I'm likewise hoping he grows out of it soon! I just have to watch the signs and try to avoid him getting to the point of no return.
from Moonshine
Introductions book As it was our cats that narrated the book, they said "This is our mummy and daddy", "this is mummy and daddy on the beach", "this is mummy and daddy in the garden" etc. We also did a little letter at the beginning of the family book saying "Hello we are x and y and we are the people who would love to be your mummy and daddy." We also used a teddy bear in a lot of the photos in the various rooms and when the family book went to little one the bear went too. If you don’t have pets you can use a bear instead to guide them through the book (she's tucked up in bed with the bear now).
from milly1
Homework My daughter is classed as above high average intellect but still we have homework issues. I used to do the battles and continue battling on - until someone basically said ‘why?’ So now we do the choice is yours - you don’t want to do them fine -the battles have stopped. The consequence of not doing though is yours too, was made quite clear. After a few not doings and it getting picked up at school by teacher and getting sent home to do, we don’t have half the battles. I found taking her to library and getting the librarian to help find things also help to ease the pressure. They were really good and we got the Mexico project done in an afternoon. In the library were three other stressed mums doing homework for/with children of different ages! Even as a childcarer I used to struggle with the boys. So I made it fun - lots of pictures and few words, lots of photocopies coloured, painted, collage. I also used to collect words cut from magazines - so he didn’t have to write. Or I typed using his words and printed off.
from She’s like the wind
Increasing concentration span
We needed lots of strategies at school to get my five-year-old son to the end of the day. Our breakthrough was computer games. He loves playing them and when we relaxed our fairly strict rules over a wet half-term and allowed him to play for much longer, he suddenly seemed to go up a level on the concentration front. It was quite an achievement for him to sit still and concentrate and work out what he was supposed to do - for two or three hours at a time. And since then he has been able to manage a lot of other things more easily. Not saying it’s an ideal situation, or that everyone should be encouraging their kids to play computer games, or that he has unlimited access all day every day, which he most certainly does not. But it was interesting that something we had studiously kept him away from turned out to be something that has actually helped.
from DCO
Telling school about adoption
It can be difficult for people unfamiliar with the issues involved to take on what you say about an adopted child when they can't actually see the problems you are explaining. We used to try to explain attachment issues with the school for our eldest daughter as she had so many issues but they didn't really seem to be the crux of her problems, so it never really helped beyond a general understanding that there was a reason for what was going on. Once she was diagnosed with ADHD things became easier (for us as well!) though not everyone really understands that either. With our younger daughter we have given some very general info over anxiety and responses to stress due to early trauma, but she actually copes very well at nursery and doesn't show any stress responses there so we haven't gone into detail as yet because it's not relevant. She also has some mild developmental delays, which we have explained and nursery are supporting her with these (had reports from professionals to give them which made it easier). I would explain what they might see - e.g. charming behaviour - and leave the full detailed explanation until it becomes necessary. from Milly
Coping with starting school
We had a lot of problems initially. My son was hiding under the desks, he hit and spat at a dinner lady on more than one occasion, bit another child and even managed to escape from the classroom and from the lunch hall. After a lot of being called to one side by his teacher, we eventually requested a meeting with the Senco and head initially (who quite honestly didn't get it at all). Following this we asked for, and got, a meeting with the local authority’s Behavioural Support Unit. I think we were lucky as she had recently been on a training course about adoption, attachment etc. and she listened, empathised and came up with some good, sensible solutions which so far seem to be working really well.
· Our son attends school now four days a week and has a break on Wednesdays. By Tuesday afternoon he really is starting to struggle
· He gets very tired and so now he is positively encouraged to have a sleep, usually after lunch. This seems to revive him and stop him misbehaving. It's been noticed that his behaviour tends to slip when he is tired.
· He doesn't cope well when his teacher isn't there so if she has to be away then I keep him home with me.
· He has a buddy at play times who helps and encourages him to play appropriately
· He did have a school/home book but we found that this was upsetting him so we don't now use that. If he does something very inappropriate then the school will call me.
· He's being helped with his interaction with the other children and being 'taught' how to share and to play appropriately.
· School now 'get' that his emotional maturity is 12 months behind. I have battered this information into them on a regular basis and I think they now understand that his chronological age is different to his emotional age.
This is what is working for us at the moment and we have definitely seen a huge improvement in his maturity. From Donatella
Coping with starting school
Our teacher in reception gave our son five little counters to hold and keep safe in his pocket. The idea was that if he didn't behave well he had to put a counter in a pot. He would get a special hug from me at the end of the day when we counted to see all his counters still in his pocket. It was very visual and really worked for him. from Beattie
Increasing concentration span
I might be barking up the wrong tree here but, here goes! If it is about sitting in one place I can help you with a technique I used to use with children who struggled with this in nursery and infants.
1) Get a square cushion for the lounge or where you want your child to place their base. My littlest has a bean bag thing but a cushion will do fine.
2) Get some carpet tile samples for when you go out/ get another cushion that is the same to take with you.
3) When they are watching their favourite e.g. "Charlie and Lola" and are naturally sitting- pop the cushion under them (so they get used to the feel)
4) Collect together some things for them to fiddle with/ stroke while sat.
5) After they are used to this (three days or so) Buy a large old fashioned egg timer set. (two-minute one, three-minute one and five-minute one)
6) Play beat the timer! Can they sit for longer than the sand takes to run out?
Also games like marble run that you put together and run the marble down don't take a lot of major brains but enough to keep a four-year-old’s mind active. Providing simple structures to free playing time might also help - photo of them in the sand pit, riding trike, reading with mum, dancing to CD for an afternoon might help focus a little. Change the pictures together for another day etc.
from Dimples
Mobile phones
We got our eldest adopted son (age 10) a mobile phone for his birthday as he wanted to be like his elder siblings and his peers. We thought he'll never use the phone but he can listen to music and play games on it. We thought he didn't need a phone to contact us as he is never away from us... It has been incredible. He texts us frequently which his aiding his object constancy insecurities i.e. he is starting to know we are available and there when we aren't in the same room. He is using emoticons to name and talk about his feelings. The indirect contact style has enabled him to open up about so many of his worries and we are having two-way conversations via text which he just can't do face to face. After five years this is a major breakthrough for him and a genuine attachment for us is emerging through his non verbal communications. Speech and touch are just too hard for him to do. Our children need different parenting techniques and sometimes we have to take a step back from conventional parenting advice to be open to possibilities that may help our children flourish.
from Tyne
Consequences
You've got to allow your child the choice to behave/do what you asked, but then you pick your consequence and ensure you follow it through. If you know he won't go into his bedroom and you are not happy to pick him up and keep him in there, you may have to consider another consequence. A particular favourite of mine was to take a toy away but recently my son has started to say he doesn't care so it has gone on top of the bin. I have then given him a time limit and if I don't feel he deserves it back it will go to the charity shop. He has always come around before then. Just waiting for it to get that far, 'cos I don't know how I'll feel about having to actually do it. A good tip for not issuing silly threats in the heat of the moment is to say you will think about a consequence of his actions and let him know. from Mummamoo
Tantrums at cooking time
I have a 19-month-old birth child as well as the older two adopted children. She has a good shout every now and again. I think two tips keep me sane when making her meals:
1. Keep her busy
2. Make sure she is near In practice this means her highchair in the kitchen and giving her snacky bits (cucumber pieces, bit of ham, bread sticks etc.) to keep that little set of gnashers chomping and not yelling! I can wholeheartedly recommend What Every Parent Needs to Know by Margot Sunderland. It is particularly good about tantrums and managing them - with children who have had less than ideal starts and those who have had a ‘normal’ upbringing.
from Dimples
Telling school about adoption
Our daughter told everyone in her preschool that she had two mummies and daddies so it was good the staff knew so they could explain to the other children what she meant. They simply told them her birth mummy and daddy couldn't look after her so she was now with us and as children do they just all accepted this. I don't think it is necessary to make a big thing about it but I think you should make the staff aware then if they do mention any problems that would be the time to go into more detail if necessary. from Merchant
Telling school about adoption
We have recently had this decision to make about our daughter starting school. She has been with us about a year and we had to decide whether to be open about her adoption and her behavioural issues or wait and see what happened. We chose to make the pre-emptive strike and be open with school as we had previously been with preschool. I agree that adoption should not be hidden as something shameful but also feel that it is acknowledging and allowing for our daughter’s differences, which allows her to have a more normal experience. So many of her difficulties are subtle and seem mild whilst she is at preschool and would have been over looked if staff were not aware of her history. Ignoring the difficulties by staff not being aware would not have made them disappear.
from Neilhelen
Keeping him calm!
My son was just three when he came and for the first 18 months it was very hard work and he did have prolonged periods of terrible rage. However, he is now approaching his sixth birthday and there is a world of difference between him now and him then. So there is hope! Things that helped us were:
· Keeping a tight routine, day-in day-out
· Keeping visits to family/friends or trips out to a bare minimum
· Warm bubbly baths seemed to calm him down, so I often ran him a bath in the middle of the afternoon - he would splash and play happily in a bath for 30 minutes easily, whereas he would struggle to do anything else for any length of time. I turned it into a playtime rather than a bath time and would often buy him bath toys to emphasise that the bath was a place to play.
· He was three when he arrived so was entitled to free nursery placement for 2.5 hours a day, which I took advantage of. I was able to have a breathing space most days and as a result I was definitely much calmer and less likely to get cross when things were difficult. I started really worrying about what he was doing, but after a while I decided that whatever happened it was their problem to deal with, not mine, and I would enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasted.
· I introduced ‘mummy-time’ on the days he wasn't at nursery - it was time for me. To start with it lasted about 30 seconds, but over time my son accepted that I was having ‘mummy-time’ and I could sit down with a cuppa. I did it at the same time of the day, so it just became part of the routine.
· His bedtime was unmovable - he was in bed by 6.30pm regardless of tears or tantrums, I would not budge on that.
· We have a supermarket nearby, so I often used to do my food shopping of an evening when my husband was home from work. I avoided going shopping with son unless I had absolutely no other choice. I would go a couple of times a week in the evening, so I wasn't doing a huge shop, just enough for the next few days. I enjoyed just wheeling the trolley around the quiet shop. I sometimes went into the coffee shop as well (oh, the decadence of it).
Looking back now, as his speech and understanding improved at around about age four he became a lot calmer and he was able to watch TV and follow a basic storyline and also started to enjoy role-playing games (with a medical kit, a cooker, a till etc.), rather than getting bored after a minute or two. Now, it’s a different story. He is able to use the X-Box and the Wii and also play basic computer games. He loves playing with cars and also Lego and will spend ages totally absorbed in what he is doing, so sometimes I feel a bit superfluous to requirements!
He does like to know where I am though, and likes me to be in the same room as him. Even if he is not actually playing with me he plays better if I am around. So most days, for an hour or so after school, I can be found on the settee with my feet up reading, while my son plays quite happily on the rug next to the settee. A few years ago I felt I'd never be able to find the time to read ever again, so life has definitely taken a turn for the better over the last year or so. from DCO
Increasing concentration span
My son received some sessions of occupational therapy and for his short attention span the occupational therapist recommended he do physical exercise before a mental exercise. For example - 10 star jumps or hopping on one leg - before settling down to do a jigsaw, writing practice or drawing. Alternatively, she recommended some ‘jobs’ when the beginnings of distraction were starting, such as folding tea-towels, sorting socks or helping set the table. It works too for longer cartoons or DVDs, we force regular breaks (drink of milk, trip to the toilet) and this has replaced the dreaded "I'm bored" after 10 minutes of a programme. Now he can re-tell some of the story instead of the default "I don't know" when we ask him what happened - the breaks are getting further apart too, which is a relief. He can do a 50-piece jigsaw without giving up - it's hilarious to watch the tongue clenched between the teeth in concentration! from Hollycat
Lying
Lying is the bane of my life at times. There seems to be worse phases of it and then it seems to get better - or perhaps I am not so wound up by it! The reasons for lying habitually are to do with the child's early past and the full understanding of the wrongness of lying or because the full grasp of reality and untruth is very hard for these children. The explanations I have found most helpful are:
1. Control: if they feel they are controlling you it makes them feel safer, if the child can make you believe there was an alien landing who came and ate all the biscuits that is one up for them. They are in charge! Bad stuff will only happen on their terms. This is a survival strategy that may have literally kept them alive in the past. It is hard wired in.
2. Past experience: deception is often very much part of these children’s lives. Hiding what was really going on at home from other people as well as living in an environment where honesty was not valued has impact. Abuse was explained as an ‘accident’ etc. There is also a sense of fulfillment of ‘compensating’ themselves for missing out on things in early life.
3. Permanence: Holly van Gulden has revolutionised my understanding of this! She argues that these children don’t understand the permanence of objects, people and others. I have in my own mind extended this to events. In other words once something has happened, we know that it is history, and will remain the same. Our children don’t. It doesn’t matter if the truth would be simpler and easier for them - they automatically tell a whooper! They enjoy telling the story...
4. Self worth and shame: in our house this is called the "killer shame" it is that powerful. It overwhelms the child and they cannot bear to think that they were in anyway responsible. They think you will hate them and hurt them if you know what they are ‘really’ like so cover it. The inner belief is that they are bad and not worth much and they act accordingly.
I don’t buy that children don’t know the truth and are just saying the way they see things I’m afraid. My daughter dissociates most of the time. This means she is very convincing that she is actually telling the truth when you know full well that she cannot be telling the truth at all. It can make you question red is in fact blue! But somewhere in there she does know what happened.
Things that help are:
1. Pick your battles: don’t let any lie go without commenting that you know that it's a whopper but only pin them down over one that you really need to pick up on.
2. Scripted approach: you are Miss Marple with the evidence to convict! Even with scant evidence to the contrary if your radar is spotting that this is likely to be untrue then say a scripted approach - "I believe in all honesty that you have X. Therefore you need to Z to put things right between us. If I find out later that I have made a mistake I will apologise and make things right between us."
3. Trustworthy concept: mine are now 13 and 11 so I have started to intro the concept of ‘trustworthy’ status! Rather than just reacting to them, I am trying to teach them a new skill! The rewards of being trustworthy in society are great, but they can be great at home too. To do this we do trust games. I trust them to post a letter and I watch them the first time, then they go themselves. Over the course of a year we can now send them to the park and know they will be home by a set time. Don’t be afraid to go back a step if needed. Mine know that they need to show trustworthiness three times before going up a step. Role play scenarios can also help.
Some people find that letting the child unravel in the lie helps, so what colour were the aliens wearing, did you ring the TV company or were they already filming in the area etc. This doesn’t work here. They enjoy the story more and have a cross moment when you say that it is ridiculous!
from Dimples
Can’t handle praise
We do indirect praise. Examples:
· Most would say ‘good girl’ eating up dinner - we would say ‘oh great, clean plate’.
· Most would say ‘what a good girl you have been today’ - we say ‘what an enjoyable day it’s been today with you.’
· Most would say good work well done what a great picture you drew - we say wow what a wonderful picture. It takes a while to get used to, but so works. Our daughter can now accept little bits of praise and is starting to compliment herself - indirectly of course - a long journey from the child who when praised reverted back to not nice behaviours and parents who were very confused about the behaviours. So much for CAMHS and the social worker saying to praise her more - the more we did the more the behaviours reverted - they said we were not doing enough of it - we were doing too much of the wrong kind of praise and if it was not for my mother buying me a psychology magazine which had an interesting article - we would never have moved on.
from Shes like the wind
Concentration span
My middle child will not sit still for more than 30 seconds, but I have found that making cakes or biscuits keeps his attention. I just buy the packet mixes as they are so simple and only take five minutes, but the kids do it. It keeps their minds on something and they have an end product.
from Moodyblu
Can’t handle praise
My daughter could not cope with praise at all. Her self esteem was so low, that if we praised her she had a mental knee-jerk reaction which told her she didn't deserve it, so we must be lying and weren't to be trusted. She put up the shutters and was hard to reach. We found that she could only accept praise if it was indirect. We would praise the deed or the action rather than the child. So if she had done a good drawing rather than say 'You are so good at drawing' we would instead say 'What a lovely drawing, and what pretty colours'. If she had done something kind for someone we could remark that x was so pleased that y had been done for her. The difference is subtle, but somehow she could accept praise if it wasn't given directly to her. We made sure that she had plenty of opportunities to do things which she could be successful in, and feel she had achieved. Gradually over time her self esteem improved and she started to feel pride. Once she got to the stage where she could say she was proud of something we could gradually shift the praise from the deed or action onto herself.
from Towanda
Waiting
Waiting, honestly, is the hardest part. Things that might help:
1. Think about all the things you've already achieved: information evening, first meeting, prep course, accepted for home study, CRBs, references, the home study itself (a huge achievement not to go barmy during), panel and approval!
2. All that's left is: Find littlies, Interview, Chosen as best match, Life Appreciation Day, Panel and Matched and Intros... you are well over half way there. 3. Every day without a match is one day closer to getting one.
4. It will happen. We never thought we'd find our little ones and here we are...
5. Accept that you're going to feel fed up and frustrated and do things that make you feel better. Girls night out, retail therapy, chocolate, large glass of wine. Whatever makes you feel better for now, do.
from Pictus
Photos and Letterbox contact We send an annual letter and photos, being careful not to have anything identifying on it. Just a word of caution though, if you have your photos developed, check the back of them, because sometimes they print the order number and surname on them (I know that one very large supermarket definitely prints your surname on the back of the photos). We tend to print them off using camera dock/printer.
from Tiny
Improving concentration span
I find nursery rhymes useful in increasing attention - especially ones that have a "refrain" or action that is repeated and anticipated. Similarly simple picture books with a repeated element - waiting for the familiar bit can hold the attention for a while.
from Queenie27
Improving concentration span
I find nursery rhymes useful in increasing attention - especially ones that have a "refrain" or action that is repeated and anticipated. Similarly simple picture books with a repeated element - waiting for the familiar bit can hold the attention for a while.
from Queenie27
Screaming
My three-year-old daughter has been with us since she was 12 months old and until recently screamed an awful lot. I found it very wearing and hard to manage. Usually what started it was when she wasn't able to have something that she wanted or when things just didn't go quite as she wanted them to. She'd start screaming and carry on until she was purple. She'd lie on the floor and kick her heels against the floor. She'd sit up and scream at me and call me names. It really used to grate on me. Over the past few weeks I've noticed her changing. She will still go off on one, she still does have a shocking temper but she's now able to regulate herself and tends to calm down very quickly. She'll go off and scream but then the screams subside and the crying - real upset crying rather than tears of anger - starts. And then very quickly she'll come and find me, ask for a kit (kiss) and a hug and then it's all over. Until the next time… She's suddenly become more aware and will look at me first now to gauge my reaction to something she's about to do or say - judging by the look she gets from me she will stop and think and sometimes modify her behaviour. I think it's a positive. There is one thing though that I find works with all my three children when they're about to have a wobble... and that's tickling them. They're all really ticklish - middly particularly so - but just holding them and tickling or stroking their tummies and backs stop them in an instant.
from Donatella
Photos and letterbox contact
We send photos that are quite obscure - such as our son with his face painted, or in fancy dress, or covered in sand at the seaside. Not very recognisable. We did however send each birth parent a close up photo just as son was placed - so they had a nice large photo to keep and frame if they wanted. After that then we deliberately obscure without refusing to send. We also send the odd picture our son has drawn (he chooses) which I am sure they like to see. The return letters from birth mum say things like - how big he's growing, how happy he looks, how good at drawing he is. Our son also benefits because his birth parents know how well he's doing and that he's happy.
from Moonshadow
Homework
It's a nightmare isn't it? Eldest daughter used to work me up into a terrible state over her homework and she could make it last for hours. Now I explain what needs doing, make sure she understands, by doing a few examples, and then I leave her to it. If she doesn't do it or tries to get me to do it for her, throwing wobblies etc. I just say "Oh that's a pity you'll have to explain to Mrs L why you didn't do your homework" and I leave it at that. She adores her teacher and she doesn't want teacher to think badly of her so she usually does the homework. I refuse to get drawn into a big battle with me being the one who feels wretched and since I stay calm and put the ball back in my daughter’s court she usually sorts it out herself and peace reigns. Sometimes not caring too much works - give it a try and stay chilled! from JMK
Choosing photos for letterbox contact The advice that we have been given is to send photos a year to 18 months out of date and ensure that they don't have identifying stuff in there - car number plate or street name sign in the background; particular building that would be recognisable; school uniforms; that sort of thing. So try to get them in normal clothes in a neutral background, such as at a park or against a hedge.
from Corkwing
Homework My son is seven and we have tears and the throwing of pens etc. across the table when he can't get things right first time. The school do a 'homework club' where the children are able to complete their homework at lunchtimes if they choose. If they don't do their homework then they lose their lunch time to do it then as well. I found that not forcing him to do it and allowing him to end up in homework club a couple of times soon made him realise that doing homework with mum rather than the nasty teacher he had supervising him was much better. On his reward chart there was also something to do with doing homework/reading. Special drink/snack sometimes helps too.
from Sparklingstar
Screaming
I find the best thing with my little one is to work on the basis that he needs help calming down. My son is almost four, but really behaves more like two and a half. He has issues with not getting his own way and I have learned to handle it in a non-confrontational way. The rest of the family have started to understand how to do it as well, even my 15 year old birth son said to me recently “why does he calm down so much quicker for you?” He still blows up, not screaming anymore, but 'not like you anymore/not want you anymore' with a bit of chucking stuff round for good measure. I always respond positively and find it rare that he winds me up or stresses me now. He is calming down quicker now, beginning to accept some reasoning, is more accepting generally most of the time, but not all the time. The approaches I have learned on the message boards have helped me manage my adopted son no end. When he starts (a recent one is chucking the dining chairs over) I draw him to me as much as possible and talk calmly, quietly even, to him - if he is really mad, I may back off a little (to avoid getting a slap or a kick) and try again, but working on the basis of calming (almost like you would a hysterical baby) works for me, most of the time but I admit it isn't failsafe if I don't get in quick enough or he is really mad, tired and hungry (hunger makes a big negative difference I find). If hubby forgets my suggestions and I watch him dealing with him, with a voice and pitch which gets louder and higher, I can see my adopted son rising to the bait and getting worse, as hubby tries to metaphorically demand and snatch control back, rather than calming him and subtly sliding the upper hand back from under his nose. I know how wearing the screaming is, when my son was approaching two we went through a really bad phase of screaming and I just felt suffocated by it. It was not nice.
from Midge
Chewing fingers
Nothing really works re our elder daughter, who does this all the time. I think that school do have some on-off successes with her, but when she's stressed out she'll chew her fingers whatever. The things we have found helpful are:
· something else to fidget with - school provide her with fidget balls specifically for this
· praising her lovely hands and fingers - and giving her hand cream (might not work so well with a boy I suppose)
· getting her to sit on her hands in assembly (assembly or sitting on the mat time were always the worst for her) from Garden
Homework
I am a great believer in incentives. My son can really drag his feet about homework even though he's quite capable. I personally leave homework until Sunday morning, I’m usually doing a bit of housework and I set him off at his table. I pop in and out, give loads of praise and compliments for everything - sitting nicely, holding pencil properly, forming letters/numbers well, colouring in etc. Sometimes this is enough but at other times I have something nice to eat out on the kitchen table (that he has seen) for when it is finished if done well, or I mention something we will do together. I always stick to reality and treats only happen when he tries. Once it’s done I show a lot of pleasure at the end result and he is also pleased and if a treat is promised it happens. It works for us, the only time things go pear shaped really is if I’m tired - hence Sunday mornings! I guess with older children this approach would need to be modified. from Bubbly
Tantrums About nine months ago, we went through the most awful time with our daughter. It seemed never-ending. The scenes were awful. She would scream and shriek with horrendous tantrums and people stared. She would lie down on the pavement and kick/scream/yell. Her face was bright red, she'd spit and snarl - it was horrible. I couldn't get to the bottom of it. Except she'd started school recently - though seemed to be settled, making friends. Reading up and getting advice, I wrapped her in blankets, gave her a toy dummy, 'fed her' from a bottle, allowed her to say 'goo-goo, ga-ga', patted her etc. Even sang nursery rhymes - I can't sing for toffee. It really helped. I also changed my working practice to fit in with her. And it helped a lot. Most stressful though, was being told I should be firmer, show her who's boss! I knew instinctively that didn't feel right. I've read a lot since then and used the message boards, though I read them for a long time before I was able to post again. And things are tons better. She still loves to be a baby, and will curl under my jumper/T-shirt and tell me to 'push, mummy, I'm coming out!'
from Gibson Les Paul
Homework
My son only has homework on a Friday - other than reading which he has every night. Thankfully as yet it's generally only one piece of work and either literacy or numeracy but I find that the longer we leave it to do it the less motivated he is. So on a Friday night he just about has time to take his coat off before we sit down together and work through it. I ignore the chaos the other two are causing and give him 100 per cent of my time and attention. Then it's done and he can forget all about it for the rest of the weekend - and so can I! And then I can go and clear up whatever mess the two little ones have created. from Donatella
Screaming I had this with my daughter. Eventually found actually getting down to her level and giving her a big long cuddle and talking to her gently, then explaining things to her at her level worked. I thought it was going against the grain to do this to be honest but my social worker suggested it and I only tried it to prove to her how stupid it was because of course it wouldn't work. Was delighted that it did work, first time it took ages to calm her down then gradually it got less and less time. It’s so hard though, it’s really tiring. I'm so glad my daughter doesn't do this anymore.
from Chubbymummy
Food Anxieties
My son, 13, gets the wobbles every time we go away on holiday - empty cupboards and boxes give him the real wobbles, even now! There are things I have done to help him, but we have had to accept that the desperate fear feeling will not go for him, but the thought of ‘I know that food will come’ will rationalise this, given time.
1. Never ever send them into a shop hungry - they will steal and eat it. Always have a stash of food before shopping, or leave them outside for two minutes while you get them something!
2. Keep food on him at all times. I make sure there is a pack of raisins in his pocket at all times. If you can eliminate the "ask mum first" rule do so, I know in the ideal world he won’t munch stuff just before dinner but raisins won’t spoil his appetite and not having to ask first removes a hurdle between him and food.
3. De-criminalise stealing of food around the house. We have a big bowl of Kitkats etc. on the table on a Monday and it isn’t refilled until the following Monday. (If there is something nice, you don’t want them to have - hide it!)
4. Do a menu for the week - everyone in the family gets a choice of one dinner and one pud over the weekends in our house.
5. If you shop on line get him to check off the food on the list and see it go into the cupboard.
6. Role play - we liked the Happyland (ELC) stuff when they were little: ‘what happens if there are no bananas left at home?’ ‘Yes! We get some money from mum and go to the little shop!’ Drive the Happyland family to the shop and act it out, repeat often. Directly relate to home with you - the worst thing that could happen is you would pop to the shop/ ask grandma to bring her cakes etc.
7. Introduce him to a wide range of foods, every Sunday I used to make a fruit salad and they would choose a fruit each - we have had all sorts, dragon fruit, lychees, sharon fruit, kumquats etc. We have Italian, Indian, Chinese, Mexican etc at home. We also do some trad English stuff. Chicken wraps are their favourites and they love this - the whole salad basket goes on the table with cheese, avocado, tomato salsa etc.
As he gets older we get him more involved with the process of food - thinking about it, planning what we need, making a list, buying it, hygiene and safety rules, making it, eating it, tidying up. We need to assure him that with every feeling there is a thought and ‘soon’ his thought part will be bigger than his ‘feel’ around food.
from Dimples
Getting children to play by themselves
Our daughter had problems with this – she’s now seven and was six when she came to us. I'm not sure if it was her not knowing how to play? I think it was probably more that she needed (and still does at times) me to be with her 100 per cent of the time to make her feel safe and lower her anxiety level. Although I think I understood what was causing the behaviour, it was not practical to live with, so we sat around the table as a family and did a To Do list. Everyone shouted out activities and ideas (they had to be things she could do alone) and we made the list all pretty and colourful and then put it up. Whenever she came to me and I wasn't able to play with/be with her I directed her towards the list. Sometimes I needed to choose something off the list for her. It didn't always work, depending on her levels of anxieties, but most times it would give me a 20-30 minute breathing space. We had to re-think bedtime as our daughter would try and keep me hostage in her room as she didn't want me to leave. It was getting sillier and sillier and culminated in her biting me one night as I insisted she let me out of her bedroom. I know why she behaves like this, but on a practical level us adults have to have some time to call our own. So we decided that she would go and get ready for bed and then come downstairs to say goodnight just before she's ready to settle to sleep. We've only been doing this for a couple of weeks and so far it's working well. from Rexel
Control
We spent many a time trying to get the battles over with - as we were told our daughter had no problems just wilful and spirited! We were very new and totally not prepared for what was going to hit us. Learning the hard way is what we have done the last four years! Now I’m educating myself and with the help of our angel - new freelance play therapist - life is different. We still have our times, but we don’t give a choice - or else leads to disregulating as we have found she can’t make choices. So we baby step it or just give (re food), so no choice is needed. We don’t say everything so she can’t fuss and get into a stew about it - i.e. going on a trip or outing; it’s ‘we are going in the car’. She now asks where we are going when in the car so we can now say ‘it’s something nice you can see when you get there.’ There is a routine for everything. We say things like ‘as a responsible grown up it is my job to make sure you do things like wash - if I didn’t, it would be me not doing my job and you would be dirty and smelly and that is not ok for me to do that.’
Food – it’s there on table, your choice if you eat it, but there is nothing else until the next meal time - so you go hungry not me - as a responsible grown up I have provided you with food, it’s your choice if you eat it or not! She mainly now eats her food with no battles!
Clothes - we have done lots of work with clothes (clothes is choice - so we have sets - best and play). If you don’t get dressed you go as you stand, so your choice if you want to be undressed, naked, half dressed or as most people completely dressed. We have now never left the house undressed - funny mixture of clothes sometimes!
Stories - we don’t do bedtime stories as this was always a problem. We just read anytime. She chooses story and I’m ok with that - if I want one then I say; ‘I have this wonderful book /story, when you are ready I will read it’ of course she wants it to be read!
Playing was always her choice as this would be battle – she didn’t really play either, whatever I said was not ok -so I say ‘you have lots of things’ and give some examples - again choice so she always finds this hard. I say ‘I want to play this game’ and set it out and she will play. If I say ‘what game shall we play’ she will not do or she will ask if I want to play… This is usually the same game so it gets a little boring.
from Shes like the wind
Building Self Esteem This list is pretty general, but some of it may help. Our children now 13 and eight:
• Find something they are good at - doesn’t have to be academic, but needs to be something they enjoy. Both of ours love rock climbing, horse riding and swimming, none of them to competition level, just enough to let them know they succeed at something.
• Praise everything, no matter how small an achievement it is.
• Start each morning off with a positive comment, and end each evening with a positive comment, this can be really hard and there are nights when I have resorted telling our eldest how well she got into her pyjamas or how lovely she looks in them, when there has been nothing else to draw on. This morning, our youngest was complimented on how nicely she woke me (by tapping my arm gently).
• Keep physical contact going, even if it is just fuzzing the top of their hair as they pass, or a touch on their arm as you are talking to them.
• Tell them you love them – often, or at least every night before they go asleep.
• Start each day as a fresh day, no matter how horrendous the day before was, try to give them the benefit of the doubt that today will be better.
• Praise them when they’re not expecting it.
• Say sorry when you have made a mistake, helps them realise that they are not always in the wrong.
• Laugh with them often – try and have fun together.
• Sit with them when they are busy, our youngest loves to have someone in the room with her.
• Tell them why they may be feeling the way they do. Both our girls have complex needs and it helps them to understand they are not the only one to struggle with X, Y or Z.
• Try not to nag – I’m using ‘modelling’ with our two at the moment, emotionally they are both very toddler, so I have decided instead of moaning about things that aren’t done, I will very quietly and with no fuss or comment, do them (e.g. tidying bedrooms is the big one here at the moment), as I would if they were toddlers. Our eldest daughter is so much happier because of this, and came and gave me a hug the other night as I had tidied her room (it took me all of 10 minutes).
• Turn things around, If our eldest is really getting to me, criticising me and knocking me down, I have a very good idea that her self esteem is at rock bottom, instead of matching like with like, I try to do the opposite and find stuff to praise her for. She doesn’t accept this praise easily, but it lifts her mood much more quickly.
• Try and find time to be with each on their own, doing something they enjoy, helps our two feel valued and important.
• Surprise them with fun things every now and again – don’t have to be big or expensive, the knowledge that I have thought of them while I was out and about really lifts our two.
• Use time in instead of time out, keeping me company while I fold washing is our eldest’s idea of hell, but as a way of keeping her close it works brilliantly and is far more effective than time out, which she likes as it reinforces her very low view of herself.
• Explain why what they did was not acceptable/dangerous, don’t just shout.
• Be careful how you speak to them. I don’t tell our girls they are naughty or bad, I tell them to stop whatever it is I want them to stop, and explain why. Our eldest daughter is too good at reading facial expression, so try and watch that too.
• Tell them if you are getting angry and move away if you can to diffuse the situation before things get out of hand - this stops me saying things I would regret in future.
• Listen to what they have to say – they are entitled to their own views and opinions, we might not like what they say but it cuts both ways.
• Make some decisions by committee – over the summer holidays we timetable our weeks, and at the start of the holiday we all sit down and discuss what each of us would like to do, places to visit etc, and these are worked into the plans.
• Explain decisions to them – obviously not all of them, but things that are important to them etc. We discussed changing our travel arrangements with the girls for our holiday, they didn’t agree with the plan, but they do know why we have made the decision we have.
• Plan ahead. If you know the situation you are going into is going to be difficult, plan in advance how you will handle disruptive/bad behaviour and at which point you will remove them if need be to support them, before it all comes crashing down and everyone’s self esteem is hammered.
• Talk to them and prepare them to succeed and not to fail. We use this a lot with our youngest daughter who has social and communication difficulties, we explain to her what will be happening and who she is to tell if she doesn’t feel she is managing well (which is usually Dad or I), this means she can be in charge of getting herself out of a situation, and if she doesn’t realise she isn’t coping, we step in before too much damage is done.
from Hippychick
Control I wouldn't go so far as to say my son is controlling in the accepted sense of the word, although he does have his own opinions on most things and I sometimes have to stand very firm. My advice would be to think about how you phrase things and try to avoid issuing orders. I might say "shall we go to the park on the way home from the shops" thus sliding in the fact that we have to go to the shop at the end of the sentence, and camouflaging it with a trip to the park. Also, don't state consequences that you can't carry through or which would make things difficult for you if you had to carry them through. I once said "if you don't do such and such then we are not going on that bus ride" but as soon as I said it I realised we had to go on the bus to get the car back from the garage, so it was a really daft thing to say, as whatever happened we would have to catch the bus. I have started saying ‘you may choose the behaviour and I may choose the consequence’. Yesterday he said "I want to choose the consequence, I want a sweetie" so I said "Good choice, now it’s my turn to choose the behaviour - put your Lego away please", and he did quite happily. Not sure I want to play his version too often though!
from DCO
Building Self Esteem
My nearly eight-year-old can have low self esteem, mainly about academic activities. Recently I was on a course for work (as teacher) and the speaker, who was inspirational, said something I have never thought of before. She said to tell a child who can't do something that 'soon' they will be able to - obviously has to be within their reach. I went straight home and helped my daughter practice her joined handwriting. When she was, as usual, berating herself for a join she couldn't quite managed, I said something like 'you are doing so well, I can see you will soon be able to do this' - and she relaxed and had a go. That and praising every little thing that went well in her writing had an amazing effect and we did much more than I thought we would. In the end she was almost demanding to continue! from Milly
Where did I come from?
Our son came to us at just over two. We did have a photo album from the foster carer and some of him with the birth mum during supervised visits, though he showed no interest in it really, but they were there if he wanted to look at them. Then when he was about three a friend was pregnant. This provided me with the chance to say that ‘babies come from ladies’ tummies, but you remember you didn't come from mine, we adopted you’ (though he had no idea what this really meant), but this satisfied him at the stage. We then went on to say why he could not stay with his birth mum and how our social worker helped us to find each other. He would sometimes say things like ‘when I was little did I…’ I would then say do you remember we didn't adopt you until you were a bit older, you did that when you lived with your birth mum/foster carer. Again he was happy with this. The thing is it was not until he started school that I realised he then thought that everyone was adopted and that all his friends would have tummy mummies too, so I had to explain that some children stayed with their tummy mummies. Now he is much older he has started to ask why I was not able to have my own baby from my tummy. I explained that I cannot grow a baby inside me as those bits of me do not work properly (he told me I should eat healthier food then). He has now been with us five years and talking about adoption is still something we do and will always need to do. At times he forgets and still asks me things about himself that did not happen when he was with us, so we go through what happened again, but he does say "oh yes I remember now you adopted me."
from Sunflower6
Writing letterbox
I find writing letterbox hard. Our daughter came to us at 13 months but as I don't get time to write a diary, I feel at least I have all the letters I have written to refer back to, to see what our daughter was doing and when. We don't have any issues (yet), our daughter has no memories of birth mum as far as we know and we do show photos and talk about birth mum. All is going really well but the main thing I think about when I write these letters is that my daughter will read them one day. Write what's right for you and your child, but for what it's worth, I don't think I would want the birth mum to know about what they remember – I don't think it will be helpful to us or her.
from Tissy
Control
The foster carer who had my daughter when she first went into care had had 81 previous children and tried the adult being in control and things became so bad, it ended up becoming abusive. I find it helps to identify that she is being controlling which means she must be feeling anxious, and wonder what it is. Also it can help saying something like; ‘I can see having the last word is important to you - so go ahead, but it won’t change what I think’ or ‘I bet you are going to shout and scream about this’. Control battles are a matter of life or death to her. When my daughter is feeling calm and safe (the rare occasions) she is easy and the despotic control is almost non-existent. From a personal experience of assault, - the lack of control over my fate and the events afterwards have left me with a feeling of panic when controlled, so I can understand how hard it must be for our children. from Shadow
Night Time Wanderings My daughter ruffles about in the night when she is anxious. It is a security thing as she feels unsafe - and fear of monsters is a common factor here too. One thing that has helped is to give her a rustling box in her room when she is stressed. This means she need not leave her room to find food, a stopper drink (so it doesn’t spill) she finds eating comforting in itself. We also put in there pictures of all of the close family and the caption – ‘remember we love you.’ All the things that make her happy - dolphins, glittery sticker book etc. are in there, little princess stories... Night lights and pillow spray help as well as teaching her that she has the power to end her dreams, when this has happened she visits me and I pray with her that she dreams nice things and off she goes to bed again. You could do a nice poem if you aren’t a faith family. I know that when things were really bad that we approached CAMHS about medication for her but in the end we didn’t use it. She is very highly strung and when things were very tricky we would find her asleep on the floor in various locations around the house. In the end we redecorated her room and we went for very calm cream and misty bluey/lilac (dewberry frost I think) sparkly boarder etc. We had the local vicar come and bless our house and the children were present for this. This seemed to really help the children. It’s exhausting I know - these are just ideas to try but are not really quick fix answers.
from Dimples
Control My daughter was five when she arrived, and was very controlling. I dealt with it in this way and it worked. Basically, I cut all of my daughter’s choices - I took control of everything. I told her what she was going to wear, what she was going to eat, what book we were going to read etc. I even brushed her hair for her. She had very few choices. Those she did have were win-win situations for me (for example, she could choose to walk beside me, or she could choose to run off and so have to hold my hand all the way home - if she ran off, I'd calmly tell her that I had noticed she had chosen to run off and so had chosen to hold my hand. Then she'd have to hold my hand). When she began to feel safer, and tried taking control from me less often, I slowly introduced her choices and control back. So she was able to brush her own hair, then was allowed to choose her own clothes, then had a choice between two meals etc. If she tried to control me again, she lost her choices. It took a very long time, but she did eventually learn to trust me and stopped most of her control battles (she's now nine). Now she only gets really controlling when she's anxious - which is a useful guide to when something is bothering her. I would also advise you to choose your battles. Don't start anything you can't win. With my daughter, if I made a mistake and battled over something I couldn't control (e.g. trying to get her to eat all her breakfast), then this set things back big time - she'd get even more controlling as she had been given proof that I wasn't able to take charge and look after her.
from FehrScaper
Control When we adopted our son (aged four), the therapist that we were seeing at the time had this advice for us. He is using control in order to feel safe. He doesn't feel safe with adults in charge and therefore only feels safe (to some extent) when he's in charge and controlling the situation. He will only stop the controlling behaviour when he feels safe. Therefore he has to learn that adults can be in charge and he can still be safe. Initially, we had to cut down the things that he had control over to virtually nil and allow very small choices over the remainder. We chose what room he was in, when he went to the toilet, what he wore, ate, etc. We sometimes allowed him to, say, choose between one of two cereals, but even that was agonising for him. It was very hard work, particularly as we are laid-back people and not at all control freaks. We hope that it has worked! Obviously now we have backed off and given him more control as we felt he was able to accept it. Whether we've done that at the right time or to the right extent, we don't know.
Another thing to be aware of is how your children view control battles. If you've fought 100 battles today and won 95 then you think you've done well because you've won 95 per cent. Your child doesn't. Your child will look at absolutes and see that they've beaten you, an adult, five times. They therefore see you as weak and themselves as strong. Which is a problem because (according to Greg Keck) they will only feel secure with you if they feel that you are stronger than them. He goes further and claims that children only believe that you're strong enough to look after them if they think you're strong enough to kill them. He didn't go on to give any recommendations on that, such as dangling them over a cliff, and I have no way of verifying it. So, you have to win every control battle that you enter into. Which is hard because it's easy to slip into one casually. "OK, we're going out to the park. Pop your shoes on." Oh, dear! You've issued a command and entered a control battle. Easy to do. It's also hard because your child will probably set up control battles without you realising it. If you say, "Put on your shoes and your coat" you may feel that you've seen wonderful compliance because your child goes and puts on her coat then her shoes. The child may see that you gave a command indicating an order of doing things and she won because she didn't do it in the order specified. (The solution is to tell them, "in whatever order you want" if you see this going on).
There are some control battles that you cannot win. You cannot control what goes into their mouth or what comes out of it. You can't make them eat something nor stop them swearing. Neither can you control what they do with their eyes. I made a mistake one of the first times that we met our son. He ran off down the road towards a car park entrance. I hared after him, grabbed him, turned him round and said, "Look at me," prior to telling him why it was dangerous. Silly mistake for me to make, but I was very green. Luckily he did it or I'd have lost one of the very first control battles that I entered into. But it's still a mistake I make today. With things like eating, it's pretty much, "Here's the meal. Eat it if you want. If you don't want, that's fine". Obviously that's easy to say, but we well know the sort of consequences that we parents have to endure for making that sort of decision! I know it's really hard to do this. It's probably entirely unnatural to you, goes against the grain of everything that you see around you and causes huge flare ups when the poor, scared child loses a battle and feels unsafe.
from Corkwing
Control
My daughter, aged four, is very controlling. She used to take care of her older brother before and during foster care. It didn't help that she had loads of attention and got her own way in foster care. Things are still quite difficult and I had a really bad time about four/five months into placement. We are now seven months into placement and things have improved but she can still drive me to distraction. What helps is lots of reassurance. I don't try and fight every battle, but I don't give in once I've said what’s happening. This has resulted in some of the loudest tantrums I've ever heard. These may be public or private (good job the neighbours know how she is). But she does now realise I mean what I say. It's worse when she is anxious so it’s difficult now as she is about to start reception. So I'm making it fun rather than scary, letting her choose a lunch box etc. and giving lots of reassurance. The friends’ problem I haven't cracked yet - she is a bit full on for children her age, but older children seem to understand her better. from Nomad
Writing letterbox I do letterbox contact twice a year and over the past two years I have started to be a bit more open about some of the problems that the children have had. I have always stuck to the facts as much as possible and avoid the temptation to say "you did this to your own flesh and blood - how could you? And now this is what has happened!" I do say, for example, that our son continues to find it difficult to choose good friends but enjoys the company of other children at school, particularly enjoying his sports teams. It is a bit ‘school report’ ish but I got fed up painting a rosy picture when it felt like I was being disloyal to my adopted children by not giving the broader picture. I have always talked about and shared the letters with the adopted children (who show no interest at all).
from Dimples
Where did I come from?
I think being honest in an age appropriate way is best. When my seven-year-old asked (been with us from tiny), I explained that no, she grew in her birth mum’s tummy but that her birth mum made the wrong choices in life and couldn’t look after her the way babies need to be looked after. She also said she wished she had grown in mine. But my answer was that it would have been wonderful if she had, but she wouldn’t be the same little girl that I adore so I’m glad her birth mum had her in her tummy and made my wonderful little girl who she is. I also tell her I’m so happy her birth mum kept her safe in her tummy to be born and that although birth mum made the wrong choice, she made a good choice to have her and must have stroked her tummy and talked to her. It’s a tricky one and each family has to handle it in a way they know their child will understand. Drip feeding is the best way though. from Gimli
Where did I come from? My three were 11 months, 18 months and two-and-a-half months at placement. They are now 11, seven and three. They are from two different birth families. We've just drip fed the info by mentioning birth family members in passing and answering any questions that come up. They are quite matter of fact about it and know that they grew in mummy X’s tummy and that X, Y and Z are their brothers and sisters. They also know that they are not all blood related and that eldest has a different ‘tummy mummy’ but they are still brothers and sisters because we adopted them all. We have always had some form of contact with birth family members. Eldest sees an older sibling three times a year and has letterbox with birth mum, younger two see their birth parents, birth grandparents and siblings three times a year plus letterbox contact, so I guess that the fact they have another family is an open subject for us. My three-year-old mentions mummy X and daddy X in conversation although he doesn't understand the dynamics of who they really are yet.
from Traci
Writing letterbox
It gets so much harder as time goes on, because you really do feel like the children are all yours, and you do find it difficult giving a relative stranger personal details about your lives. We've just done our second letterbox, and I found it so much harder than the first one. We are such a closely bonded family now, and I actually kind of resented having to share our lives. We have also had one or two problems with our elder son, and I really wanted to say "look what you've done - look at all the problems you've caused." But of course I couldn't say that, as the nice letterbox administrators would have rejected it as being too negative. It seems the birth mum only wants to hear nice things about the children, and we are discouraged from giving a warts and all account, as this would upset her too much! We just kept it newsy and chatty, and told her the good things, but glossed over the bad.
from Rosie15
Where did I come from?
I've had three babies and this is something that I've talked about with them pretty much right from the start. I tend to do it in a casual way and start from when they're very young - my three arrived at five months and two at 12 months respectively. I suppose we're lucky as we do have photographs of birth mothers but we only have lifestory books for two of our children. For our eldest we just have a photograph album put together by his foster carers. I don't read from the lifestory books as they're too old and too complicated for my two little ones yet but we have looked at the photographs and I have talked to them about who is who. The first time is the hardest but what I've just said is something like: “that is X and you grew in X’s tummy before coming to mammy and daddy." I've explained to them that mammy couldn't grow a baby herself and so we asked some nice ladies (social workers) whether there was a baby out there who needed a forever mammy and daddy. And then we found you. I've told them that their tummy mummies weren't able to look after them - that they had some problems of their own and that sometimes babies could be very hard to look after properly. Sometimes we take our cue from wildlife programmes, generally though it's just something that crops up in the most unexpected places! Travelling in the car seems to be a good one. My two boys now know who their birth mothers are and why they weren't able to stay with them. When they have said that they wished they'd grown in my tummy I've told them that so do I - but that I couldn't love them any more if they had. It gets easier, but my tip is to start when they're very young, before they're able to even speak - you'd be surprised at how much they actually take in.
from Donatella
Writing letterbox I just posted our contact letters this morning. It is difficult to know what to say in these letters and you must do what feels right for you and your child. I have decided that I won't refer to anything personal or from his past unless I am hoping to resolve an issue, but as we never get replies it would be a fruitless exercise. After a very trying time I was tempted once to do a warts and all letter, but it would have been for the wrong reasons. It would have been me saying "look what you have done to this child" which at the end of the day wasn't going to be helpful to anyone in the long run. You could write a warts and all letter, but sleep on it for a few days and see if you feel comfortable with the prospect of actually posting it. One of the reasons why I won't put personal information in a letter is because I don't want the birth family to feel in any way connected to my son. I know it sounds selfish, but he is my boy now and I love him so much and I am uncomfortable with giving personal information relating to our daily life.
from DCO
Meeting birth mum I think it’s really important you take photos of you all together for future reference and also if somebody is taking pics why don’t they just take a picture of head and shoulders also - I do this when I'm photographing weddings anyway as it often looks nice and would mean you'd have a photo you felt comfortable with showing your child. Normally you would agree with the social worker previously a venue and time limit - normally people say 30 minutes or an hour max – the social worker can facilitate discussion and be in charge of the meeting i.e. if she needs a break etc. It can be emotional on all sides so don't worry about that - you should make sure you get to talk to your social worker immediately afterwards so let the birth mum go first and you can have a chat with your social worker about how it went etc. Standard questions could include favourite song she used to sing to child, lots of favourite questions, maybe asking about any little quirks you've noticed in your child - did they do them then, etc.? It should flow initially after the initial awkwardness of it. It doesn't have to last a long time though.
from lynne_safc
Deciding to adopt a baby with developmental delay Why not ask your social worker if she can introduce you to another family with birth children who have adopted a child with developmental delay. Or contact your local Mencap - see if there is a family who would be prepared to meet with you. Think about whether the child is likely to progress through mainstream school or not, achieve independent adulthood or not. No one can predict exactly at this age but make sure you get detailed information on court assessments of birth parents and ask to speak with the medical adviser for adoption who may have more information on investigations that have been done and on genetic risks - it can be very different if one birth parent has an IQ in normal range than if both have IQs of less than 70. Is there a strong family history of learning difficulties in the wider family or were there huge environmental/parenting factors affecting the birth parents functioning? Basically make sure you get enough information and plenty of time to make an informed decision on what is right for you.
from truffle6
Moving out
Our daughter moved out of our home and in with her boyfriend about three months ago. Her behaviour had been beyond belief for many years and she had our blessing on this move. We know her boyfriend well (he has been in lots of trouble too) and his parents who are very nice and supportive to both boyfriend and our daughter. Although she is only 17 we thought this would be the best thing for all of us. Since she has left, she texts me every day, asks me if I want to take her out to do a bit of shopping and go for lunch on a regular basis and they come round for a meal once a week so we can make sure they are at least getting something decent, although boyfriend likes cooking so I think they do the best they can afford in that department.
For anyone worrying about the future of their adoptive children, I can only say that to us the thought of a young woman moving out into independence and with a young man at the age of 17 was not ideal, but it has been the best thing we could ever have done. Our daughter has the support of both boyfriend’s parents and ourselves, and also a young man who supports and adores her. He is 20. He has stopped nearly all his bad habits, drugs, fights, trouble with the police etc., and curbed his drinking to a moderate amount at weekends. We hope our daughter is doing the same. They both turn up for work and are reliable, she does extra hours if she needs extra money and so is learning the responsibilities of actually having to live on your own and support herself.
My husband and I could never have foreseen our daughter being able to cope like this, she has all kinds of mental health diagnosis, but she has been very lucky in finding a boyfriend with a supportive family in spite of his problems too and this seems to have enabled them both to learn about living on their own and mature and cope with parents in the background. She always rings me if she has any difficulties re needing doctor’s appointments or anything and says she knows I am there if she needs me. She has been desperate to get into college and has been given a place to start in September, she has done all of this herself refusing help from us, apart from lifts etc, and we are so pleased for her. She tells me she is determined that she is not going to be a 'failure' (her words not ours). She in her own words wants to make something of her life and not waste it. It has been very hard for both of them, but they are the absolute example of how young people can turn their lives around if they have the will to do so and the constant support of family. I told them both this week how proud I am of them turning their lives around like this as I know it is hard.
Obviously this is only the start of our daughter’s independent life, but she says she does not want to come home and that she feels that with our support she would be able to live on her own if need be. She has a friend who has been through a lot and lacks the support of her own mother, our daughter has tried to give this girl friendship and support. She told this girl that her mum was terrible and that she knows that I would never let her down and am always here for her. Her friend told her how lucky she was, I think it is experiencing these things now that are teaching our daughter about relationships etc. more so than we could by just talking about it whilst she was at home.
We will always have to be in the background for our daughter, she will always need us whether she wants us or not, but she has shown that she can be responsible and capable and after what we have been through it is just amazing, we could only see the worst ahead of her at times. Believe me, we have been there, I have sat in the local park at midnight crying because I could not bear the thought of coming home to a house with her in it, but I do think she is starting to be able to understand what it takes for people to have given so much support We accept her boyfriend and get on well with him, we are honest and forthright about his past behaviour and then we put that to one side and see him as a person. We are paying our daughter’s share of the rent, but of course we cannot go on doing this forever, she has asked for help re benefits etc., but been told because she lives with boyfriend she is not entitled unless she has a baby! Anyway, whatever you are going through it does not last forever and some of these young people are far more capable than we think, it just has to be in their way, maybe not the one that would be the norm for us.
from Cavalier
Adopting a Baby with Learning Disabilities
We adopted a 13-month girl who was, according to social services, perfectly "normal" (whatever that means). As the months have gone by, it is increasingly clear that she also has mild to moderate learning difficulties. She has very disturbed sleep, feeding problems, motor skill problems on her left side. We have gone in a matter of months from having fun with our new little one to having four or five appointments each week - physio, hydrotherapy, OT, portage, audiology, dietician. All I can say is that, although it's hard work (blooming hard work), very frustrating and we feel very resentful of social services who may or may not have known this up front, we absolutely love and cherish our little one and we will find a way through it. It's very time consuming with all the appointments, and I don't know how that would impact on other children as she is our only one. What you have to learn to do, though, is to fight and fight and fight and be the pushiest, most obnoxious mother around in order to get what you want/need/deserve. It has been a real eye-opener for me. If you are prepared just to take the first thing that is told to you (we were told our little one needed physio but there was a 12 month waiting list - we got in within six weeks as I phoned every day and made a nuisance of myself), then be prepared for long waits, but shout, jump up and down, and cry if necessary and you will get there. It's not easy, let's be honest. There are days when I long just to be able to play without thinking about how I can help her develop or learn, but just think of how much you can offer your little one.
from Flossie23
Childcare in School Holidays
I work full time and my husband works part time to pick up our son after school. During school holidays we always do the same thing: Monday to Wednesday our nine-year-old son goes to a small private holiday club, he's been going there since he was six and knows all the staff. Thursday and Friday either myself or husband takes two days off. This works well as son knows where he is at half terms, or summer holidays. Easter we tend to take off with him, also Christmas so this makes best use of our precious holiday allowance from work, lets us have two long holidays just as a family too. We simply can't take all the school holidays off, we don't have enough annual leave but this is a compromise that does work. Mind you the holiday club is £28 a day so it isn't cheap! When we first had our son we tried to juggle grandparents, with leisure centre activity days and we found our son couldn't cope with swapping and changing. The way we do things now means he knows in advance where he is and it helps him feel less anxious.
from Moonshadow
Adopting a Baby with Learning Disabilities We adopted a child with lots of developmental uncertainties, mild/moderate delay and mild health problems. Our child was 19 months, we had three birth kids youngest was 10 years at the time. I have to say, it’s been one of hardest things we have ever done. I don’t have any regrets but it’s been difficult. Our daughter is a lovely child and I would not swap her for the world. I would say ask for everything you can get your hands on regarding the child, don't just believe all that is said to you. What about siblings do they have any difficulties. Our daughter had several siblings all with different special needs, but all were older than her, I wish I could have spoken to their new families, to see what problems they had encountered. I spent every day all day in the first two years playing with our daughter, reading, encouraging her to do things. We had lots of hospital and developmental appointments. I felt I was never at home, always at some place or another waiting for some test. Recently we applied to adopt another child so we survived it all and our daughter is doing ok, but she does have lots of problems, not serious ones, but it does break my heart to see what she should be doing like her peers and she struggles with it. I asked my youngest child what did he think now he is 16. He said that she took up lots of my time. He said he did love her and yes she was his sister, but it made me think how much we did give up for our daughter, all of us. I would say you will do fine if you have a good support network and lots of time and patience.
from Izla
Thoughts on intros
Having nearly survived intros I thought I'd put up tips - all the stuff we wish we'd known:
· Make sure you get a detailed intros plan - who is providing meals, if the kids are in separate placements who is being picked up, when, etc.
· Make sure the foster carers have your phone number
· Try and get your midway review meeting as close to midway as possible - we could have brought our children home several days ago if the meeting had actually been midway
· If away from home and/or split placements check how far you will need to drive each day - we've been driving three hours a day minimum just picking the kids up and dropping them back to the foster carers’ and it is tiring (and expensive!)
· If away from home try and find out where local parks and supermarkets are
· Check whether the social workers are communicating with the foster carers and with each other and will they be on leave at all during intros. We had to do all the communication and it has not made it easy
· Do some things twice or three times - simple things like a local walk
· The kids seem to really value coming to our base before going out for the day - don't just go straight from the foster carers’ house
· If the kids are in a split placement push for lots of contact between them before intros, and make sure that time is scheduled for you to spend time with the children separately early in intros
· Don't underestimate the number of babywipes you will get through!
· Invest in National Trust family membership if the kids enjoy the outdoors - ours has already paid for itself
· Get changes of clothes from the foster carers and take them with you when you go out, also get their wellies and raincoats and sunhats
· Don't be afraid to ask to change things if they need to be changed - we found it was worth negotiating things with foster carers and then telling the social workers
· Don't forget littly's dummy otherwise you will have to sing "We're all going to the zoo tomorrow" fifty times to sooth her when she's knackered! Enjoy - intros are great but tiring and we are really looking forward to our own bed.
from Taznmaple
Spending time with teenage boys
My son is a very mature 13, physically looks about 20 and could easily have slipped down the 'not wanting to associate with parents' route. I think this is very dangerous, for all children, especially ours as they tend often to be drawn to 'undesirable' peers - or maybe that is just my son! I use every trick fair or foul to engage him. I think by now he knows that I will never give up, however bolshie and abusive he is.
Things we do are
· visit grandparents - they love to see him and are getting on in age so I morally blackmail him with this!
· babysit for young cousins who love to see him so I make him come too
· eat out - Mc Ds, any 'all you can eat' Chinese or Indian buffet (he finds 'all you can eat' very appealing!)
· cinema and theatre trips
· holidays
· drive him to and from school when we listen to talking books on CD. If he gets to choose (anything by Bill Bryson or Dan Browne) we have that to talk about
· I cultivate and (try to) charm his friends. This is a very cheap trick I know, but very effective if I have his friends telling him that I don’t seem so bad
· We have particular TV programmes that we watch together, Torchwood, Ashes to Ashes, and bizarrely Dom Joly’s Complainers
I actually tell him that I am a nice person and to pretend I don’t exist when friends are about or treat me like I am something he has stepped in is just hateful, and also a sign of not having true confidence. A really secure young man is able to do what he thinks is right i.e. treat his mum properly, and not care about what other people might think. I also think it’s useful to set an example by spending time with my own parents, so he can see how relationships change. I want him to see that as he is starting to find his adult way in life, he doesn’t hang about with me because he can’t cope without me, but because he is becoming a friend of mine, and will become a support to me (to a growing extent with age) as I now tend to support my parents. I reaffirm this by letting him do the jobs that I hate and that he is really good at e.g. getting refunds in shops by being overly assertive, attracting waiters attention and generally doing all the mouthy things that I hate but he seems to have such a natural knack for! from ddddd
Childcare in School Holidays At first we did a bit of a balancing act, between Dad, Grandma and I, but it became really clear that the children needed more time with us (they both have complex needs), so I was able to negotiate my contract so that I worked term time only and had all the holidays at home with them, either by working at home in the evenings when they were in bed, or by making the hours up by doing extra when they weren't (I was at management level but it worked fine). My employer was brilliant, and I had the flexibility I needed, but I've still ended up giving up work (best decision we've made, it's working well for the whole family, not just the children) as they need me more. Although the school holidays were always covered, the thing that continually threw me was when the children weren't well and needed time off school (which happens a lot).
from Hippychick
Managing teens I can understand about beginning to push the boundaries; there is a great deal of peer pressure on young teens from classmates. Our older girl at this time was identified as one who would benefit from anger management and counselling, which the school arranged. We had to 'give back' childhood, as she had been a carer and the counsellor told us on a home visit that basically we were raising two miniature adults because the survival instincts had kicked in and we had to therapeutically parent. What we found helpful at this stage was to concentrate on areas she was good at - sports in her case, and she participated in these. It helped self-esteem, and gave her a 'status' amongst her peers, because we had in a lot of ways to treat her as much younger. We also liaised a lot with school, which was supportive. We had family days out and she often brought along a friend. This helped her because of the difference in age between her sister and herself (now seven and 14). Yes there are wobbles and we do not have the same boundaries as when she was younger, because she wants to spend more time with her age group out and about. We work through negotiation and rights/responsibilities to each other. She knows we ask where she is and how she is when she is going out, because we love her, not because we are ogres who want her to have no fun. We have done as much as we can to mitigate the effects of early childhood; we do not know how she will turn out, but so far, it has not been too difficult. If you look for something good in every day, it helps a lot.
from Johanna
Accessing and reading your children’s files
I had a massive fight to get access to the files, due to the incredibly large number of files there were on our children - which nobody had told us about. It took years to get social services to agree to have the information gone through and copied. When they eventually did, stuff was missing. So I requested it again and was refused. So I asked for it again and said I wasn't budging until I had got it. Going through it is very distressing and I'm ashamed to say I did not manage to finish it all. When accessing files, request to see all the child's files. They will have had:
· files started when they first came to the attention of social services (i.e. when neighbours phoned police, etc)
· separate files started when child was taken into care
· more files set up when adoption was planned
So if you ask to see your child's adoption files, you may only see a snapshot. You will have to be firm and stand your ground and be tenacious. And be tough, because reading the information can be an horrific experience. from Madrid
Meeting birth mum I think it’s really important you take photos of you all together for future reference and also if somebody is taking pics why don’t they just take a picture of head and shoulders also - I do this when I'm photographing weddings anyway as it often looks nice and would mean you'd have a photo you felt comfortable with showing your child. Normally you would agree with the social worker previously the venue and time limit - normally people say 30 minutes or an hour max. The social worker can facilitate discussion and be in charge of the meeting i.e. if someone needs a break etc. It can be emotional on all sides so don't worry about that - you should make sure you get to talk to your social worker immediately afterwards, so let the birth mum go first and you can have a chat with your social worker about how it went etc. Standard questions could include favourite song she used to sing to child, lots of favourite questions, maybe asking about any little quirks you've noticed in your child – did they do them then etc. It should flow after the initial awkwardness of it. It doesn't have to last a long time though.
from lynne_safc
Surviving adoption training
We've done the four-day training course - so much information to take in, very emotional and draining. I think a few couples were thinking, "gosh what are we getting ourselves into". A lot of it is telling you the worst case scenarios and can get quite negative, but all in all it was a really interesting course and we learnt a lot. Everyone seemed to enjoy it and we made some good friends who I'm sure we will keep in touch with for some time to come. Anyone reading this who is about to go on training, all I can say is go with an open mind, enjoy it, it is quite draining emotionally. They don't really say too much about the rewards of adopting, but those rewards will come when you have children calling you ‘mummy’ and smiling at you. from Snickers
Introducing church to children We haven't actually done this yet, but have thought about it a lot. We're thinking in terms of children aged from three up to about eight. The first thing we would do is tell the church they're coming and that they need to not be overwhelmed by everyone rushing up to meet them. Most people know we're adopting anyway, so this wouldn't be a big deal. Get them to take some things to church with them. Quiet things to do - colouring, books to read, soft toy, that sort of thing. We’ll explain to them before we go that they have the choice of whether to stay in the main room with everyone or go with the other children. I would speak to children's leaders to check they'd be happy for me to be in there too (we are all CRB checked, after all!). I’d encourage them to go to the children's group and then I would stay with them. Sit right with them if necessary, but aim to be on the sidelines and allow them to integrate with the other children. If they seem to want to be left, or be happy to be left, explain that they can ask the adult to send for me at any time and I'll come back. Leave them for gradually longer times each week, depending on how they get on. If they don't want to go with the children, they have quiet things they can do in the main meeting. Perhaps choose carefully where to sit - on the edge or at the back so there's a bit more freedom and possibly a bit of empty floor space.
from Merry
Meeting birth mum I think it’s really important you take photos of you all together for future reference and also if somebody is taking pics why don’t they just take a picture of head and shoulders also - I do this when I'm photographing weddings anyway, as it often looks nice and would mean you'd have a photo you felt comfortable with showing your child. Normally you would agree with your social worker previously the venue and time limit - normally people say 30 minutes or an hour (max). Your social worker can facilitate discussion and be in charge of the meeting i.e. if someone needs a break etc. It can be emotional on all sides so don't worry about that - you should make sure you get to talk to your social worker immediately afterwards, so let the birth mum leave first and you can have a chat with your social worker about how it went etc. Standard questions could include favourite song she used to sing to your child, lots of favourite questions, maybe asking about any little querks you've noticed in your child – did they do them then etc. It should flow initially after the initial awkwardness. It doesn't have to last a long time though.
from lynne_safc
Bathtime Battles We had this for quite a while when our son was placed with us. In the end, we got some baby wipes for sensitive skin and got our son to wipe his private parts every morning when he was refusing to have a bath, as he wasn't dry at night and needed pull ups. A damp flannel so he could clean himself in his bedroom also helped sometimes when he was refusing to go into the bathroom. We now put plenty of bubbles in the bath and don't worry too much about the washing himself bit. Our son had never played in a bath before he lived with us and was scared to immerse himself. So we spent lots of time running bubbles, playing with boats, washing favourite toys - all with him fully clothed on the outside of the bath leaning in....it desensitized him so that he stopped fighting so much when he needed to have one. He was also terrified - and I mean terrified - of the shower or of getting his hair wet. We since found out that he was dropped in the bath as a baby and almost drowned. We solved it by letting him wear his goggles - and also his snorkel set and mask in the bath - gets his hair wet! A shallow bath so he can lie back in it and have his hair washed without water coming over his face also helps sometimes. Or a really big bath with bubbles up to the ceiling! Bubble guns blowing bubbles round the bathroom also makes it fun without the tidal waves.
from Moonshadow
Considering adopting a sibling group
I think that an important consideration (and one that non adopting relatives will have no idea about) is that three children with relatively good relationships with one another can be a whole bundle easier than two children who have relationship difficulties. I have six children (who all arrived singly I hasten to add!) and I would say that the jump from no children to one is the biggest! I would be looking carefully at how the family dynamics operate, do a lot of straight talking about how you would make life as easy for yourself in practical ways. If when you have done that all seems positive - get filling your freezer, have some fun time as a couple, and go for it!
from Thelma
Meeting birth parents We met the birth father of our adopted son last year, before our son was placed. A social worker was present, and we were able to talk beforehand about what was and wasn't acceptable to talk about. Firstly, don't give away too much about your own family (surname, where you've travelled from). It's easy to for the birth parent to ask 'how was your journey?' and to respond ‘it wasn't far, just a few minutes down the M1!' Safety is still important. We found that the birth father was happy to speak about his own childhood and what it was like growing up. We also asked him what he saw in his son's future (what he wanted for him), and whether there was anything he wanted to pass on. (We were told - grow his hair, let him eat lots of mangoes, don't let him smoke or eat red meat - it makes you fat! Not much we could disagree with!) He spoke about his relationship with the birth mum. And then he wanted to know a little about us. You may want to consider what you are willing to say, and what you keep to yourself. He wanted to know what we did for work, where we worked, where we lived and what kind of food we ate. The social worker also took a picture - of head and shoulders (so it had a good focus on the face) If your child is with your already, they are really the best topic of conversation. Birth mums like to know things like what food they like, what they like doing, what they look like - and what they don't like. You might find they offer some similarities.
from Starflapper
Bullying
After speaking to teacher, emailing headteacher with little effect other than them agreeing to keep an eye on him - we kept a photographic log on the computer, with a label underneath saying our son's explanation for each incident. In one week he received 17 bruises to his back, shins and chest. The school was trying to say it was due to playing with the older boys too roughly, i.e. that it was my son's fault for playing inappropriately. And that midday supervisors had observed him playing and no bullying was taking place. We called a meeting (just said it was to discuss 'concerns') and produced photographic evidence. Their faces blanched - clearly us saying he was coming home with bruises didn't equate to over 20 cuts and bruises on a small child. Now he is supervised most lunchtimes, with a buddy system in place. Sometimes you have to result to shock tactics! from Moonshadow
Tantrums at 10 We often have major tantrums from our 10-year-old girl. She will completely lose it over the slightest thing sometimes. I have found The Explosive Child a handy book for tips. What I tend to do is leave her to it - there is no point in reasoning or talking to her so ignoring her is best, we then get; "you will not ignore me I hate you!” To which I softly say “I love you very much darling,” and walk away. Get everyone and everything out of the way. If she starts kicking her wardrobe etc. I encourage her to kick it harder and shout louder. Because she will not comply with anything I say at this point she will stop and do something else. Some people have advocated getting a trampoline for such a troubled little girl but we really don’t have the room. Worth a go? Also, we found the more exercise we got our daughter doing in the week the less aggression she showed at home (not a ‘cure’ though).
from Dimples
Spitting
We turned it into spitting competitions who could spit the furthest or can you hit the target. Then because you are giving permission (so goes the theory) to act like that, it loses its appeal. Rather like the ad where the child has a tantrum and mum joins in. I have found it is not an overnight cure but does help. from AMH
School lunch times We took our son out on Fridays from Year Three to Year Six (Dad did it in his lunch hour) and that worked quite well as it was a special thing and not a retreat. The school also had two ‘privilege clubs’ which vulnerable children could go to when they liked and others could win a ticket. Both were supervised by LSAs and one was more ‘craft’ things to do and the other more board games etc. A lot of children got a lot of benefit from these clubs for one reason or another. Our problem was our son didn't make enough use of them, preferring to play football in the yard when his social skills weren't really up to it. For my child I thought it was quite important to keep him at school most of the time at lunchtime because that's where children learn a lot of their social skills. Another thing the school did was invite me to do a few free sessions of playground duty to see for myself what was happening. It was a valuable experience, quite aside from the fact that I turned out quite good at it and they used to pay me from time to time as a stand-in. Our son has always tried to keep us on a ‘need to know’ basis and it's a challenge keeping one step ahead sometimes!
from Bizzy Lizzy
Bathtime Battles
If your child will get into the bath, but won't wash with soap, is it really worth the fight to have them use soap? Try wrong-footing them. If they refuse to wash with soap, or say they have (when you know they haven’t) just say "OK then, time to get out". If they then refuse, say that's OK, they can get out when they want to. And sit and chat about something unrelated to the bath. If you don't give them a battle, they may stop fighting? If they won't wash their hair, or make such a fuss, then don't wash it for a while. (One advantage – they’re unlikely to ever get head lice with dirty hair!). It won't hurt to have dirty hair for a week or two. Or try another tactic. Let them not bathe and get smelly, if that's their choice. But then make it clear that they don’t get to go to Brownies (for example) unless they have had a bath, because it's not fair on the other children to have to do something fun with a smelly child. (Stress the fun bit, or they might ask why they have to go to school when smelly). Or find something else they really enjoy and want to do, and make it a condition that they have a bath/shower before they can do it. So it's their choice: have a bath or miss the treat. That way, they keep control, but so do you. Another suggestion, would be to ask (after the bath is over) what they were thinking and feeling when in the bath - the answers might give you the reason why they’ve turned them into such a control battle, and give you a way to stop the battles. These might not work, but are worth a try? from FehrScaper
Toddler Tantrums I thought I'd share some practical things that have worked for me - currently on my third (and last) toddler! Firstly though I just wanted to say that with all my three after the first few months of being like scared little rabbits (only noticeable with hindsight) they have all gone through what I call an angry period when things have been quite tough. They've all seemed to be just - well, angry really is the only way I can describe it. But they have all come through it and I do think that it's been a positive experience. I think it just shows in a way that they are comfortable enough with us to be able to demonstrate how they are feeling.
Nappy changing: I've found it best to continue changing them on a changing table for as long as possible. I know they generally say only up to 12 months but mine have stayed on there until they've been too long. It seems to inhibit their kicking and wriggling. I've only just started changing littly - just two - on the floor and that's when she became more difficult so now I involve her. She gets the nappy, the mat and the wipes ready and then happily lays down on the floor for me. My only problem is making sure I get there first or she tries to do it herself!
Aerial food drops: I generally take this as a cue that they've had enough and remove food and all utensils and take them out of their chair - even if they've not finished. This works particularly well with littly who's terribly fond of her food! If it means missing a meal or two then so be it - they won't starve.
Washing hands after the potty - really wouldn't worry too much about this - it's just not an issue. I still frequently have to remind my six-year-old to wash his hands. Don't make a fuss, just wipe them over with some wet wipes.
My little one has a habit of pinching and slapping and I'm always very firm with her that this is not acceptable. I also make sure that each and every time she apologises to the person whom she's pinched, by giving them a hug and a kiss and saying sorry. This is something I've always done and eventually the message does get through. Middly even apologised to his teacher this week - completely of his own volition - after he'd been naughty. She was thrilled with the hug and the kiss from him!
Shoes: my middly was a nightmare with his shoes. Even in mid-winter I was to be found with him in the buggy minus his shoes and socks. And freezing. But, it was his choice, he was the one who was cold, not me, and I refused to spend my entire life putting on his shoes and socks. Again, it was a phase and something that he got over in time. Littly has also started doing this as well - generally when she's miffed at me for not having her own way. I just get there before her and take them off so that we don't lose them.
Hats and scarves: even at two you can't force them to do something they don't want to do. Don't make an issue of it ... if they insist on removing hat, gloves or whatever then, hey, they get cold! It's a learning process and pretty soon they realise that it's nicer to be warm than cold.
Our bugbear at the moment with littly is her constant rummaging in the fridge or cupboards - it's driving me potty, but I also recognise that it's something she does when she's not having, on demand, my 100 per cent attention.
from Donatella
Bathtime Battles Our child went through a phase about six months after placement when, having been absolutely fine at bathtime, of real screaming fits - until he was sick and with water up as far as the ceiling. We never got to the bottom of it but it went away as quickly as it started, I think it was just a boundary testing exercise to be honest. We wondered if there was an issue with having been hurt by too hot water in the past, but there’s no indication that that was ever a problem. He definitely still prefers water on the chilly side of warm. I will say that showers were a no no - we went camping where there were only showers and that was very painful, entertaining no doubt for the other campers but very upsetting for me as there was pretty much no alternative to bear hugging him and getting wet with him whilst enduring a lung bursting screaming punching fit. We can risk him being dirty at home but not in a tent. I have no idea what got him through the phase in the end - determination from us probably that he would have a bath. Ensuring that he understood what the rules were about bath and bath time. Always ensuring that there is fun - and play - but that playtime is a reward that comes after washing. He got the same message from mum and me - though I tend to have a much shorter period of negotiation. I felt like, and probably was, bullying him into it at times. He did seem to capitulate after I dumped him unceremoniously fully clothed into the bath, school uniform needed washing anyway. He's fine now although almost every night there is a good humoured chase round the house before we can get him undressed and the chase has just a slight feeling of teetering on the edge, as if at any minute he could flip from fun to fury. He enjoys choosing his own soap at the shops. He liked those fizzy bath salt ‘bath bombs’. He did wear swimming goggles a few times - which got him past the fear of getting his eyes soapy (so much so that he was quickly putting his entire head under water). I let him control how hot and how deep the water is so there can’t be any argument. If all else fails how about the swimming pool? At least your child will be clean and seeing other people in the showers especially kids might convince them it can’t be too harmful.
from Richard1066
Toddler Tantrums
Think of tantrums as a normal stage of development like walking, talking and potty training and you will feel less stressed about it. Some kids manage each of these things better than others, others struggle and stay at one stage a little longer. My suggestions are ignore, ignore, ignore again, or if you can learn the signs of a possible conflict, distract. Works brilliantly in my experience with my own kids, childminded kids and foster kids under three. Sometimes you need a nice bit of play-acted drama to get the desired response. Ignoring though means that - no eye contact, no glance, no sharp intake of breath as the food hits the carpet etc. This is behaviour modification, by ignoring and it will get worse before it gets better - also normal - he up's the ante to provoke a reaction - yes, chuck the bowl further, harder, stick it on your head - ignore and steadfastly carry on with what you are doing. When he stops throwing you can then offer the attention - that's the reward - without commenting on the wrongdoing, only on what he is currently doing right. At the end of the day the child and the floor, furniture etc. are cleanable, and banging and yelling is not a big problem. It’s not an easy job, and it’s all pretty labour intensive and mentally exhausting.
from Midge
Bathtime Battles We have a choices and a no choices list on our fridge. The children can choose things e.g. game to play on the PS2 on a Friday. Stuff like bath on Sunday, shower Tuesday and Thursday are ‘no choices’, together with appropriate clothing etc. We made the list together. It gives some back up when I calmly ask them to "check the list". By the way - I make it clear that we are the only ones who can make judgements on whether shower, teeth etc. are properly done or will consider that the children are very tired and need more practice.
from Dimples
Difficulties in first weeks of placement
Two to three weeks is a very short time for a child to feel settled. Depending on background, it can take a long time. Our eldest was nearly five when he came to us and I don't think that he could grasp that the placement really was permanent for about 18 months. Before that he used to go through cycles of trying to reject us before we rejected him: his behaviour would really escalate and we think it was that he was trying to break down the placement himself because he couldn't stand the waiting until he was moved on. That was, after all, his experience: every time he felt settled anywhere, he'd be shunted off. The very fact that your child has been told the placement is permanent may mean they test that permanence. If your child is destroying things, I'd also recommend not letting them know what's important or locking it away. Saying "these things mean a lot to us" and how much you'd like them to look after them is a bit of a recipe for disaster. Do get as much advice and support as you can from the social workers.
from Corkwing
I have a spitting four-year-old (been with us about 15 months). It is so hard to remain calm, because it is a horrible habit. But in my own personal experience I have found that he only spits at times when he is struggling. The spitting is a big sign to me that he is unsettled. So I tend not to tell him off for it, I try to stay calm and say things like "OK, you are cross with me now, but when you have calmed down can we have a cuddle and talk about it? Let me know when you are ready to have a cuddle." After it is all over we do have a cuddle and a talk about what has upset him, lots of reassurance and telling him I love him and how lovely he is. Then I give him a cloth and he has to wipe up all the spit (we have a wooden floor, so it doesn't go away). Now he is older and I can have reasonably sensible conversations with him I impose a small consequence for the spitting, i.e. no more sweeties today. I do reiterate that I understand he is unhappy and I am sorry about this and I really want to help him, but spitting at mommy isn't the way forward. The spitting has diminished over recent months, even when he has been unsettled. I have seen him go to spit and I have said something like "I hope there isn't going to be any spitting today" and he does seem to think about it and then swallow down whatever he had ready in his mouth. I know not every child is the same, but perhaps you can take heart that my champion spitter is now able to stop himself doing it (with a bit of help from me).
from DCO
Adopting a sibling group
We adopted three boys, five and half years ago - they are now nine, seven and six. First year is bit of a blur but they are the best things to happen to us - even if at times we are exhausted and at the end of our tether. And yes at the intros there were times when we felt like we wanted to run - luckily it was at different times.
- Practical advice is to stick to the routine they have as it makes then feel much more secure. Bit by bit you can add how you want things done...actually we did baths and stories before bed straight off and they loved it! However I believe that they need to be in bed by at least 7.30pm so you have a bit of time to yourself.
- Go to Mothercare or such like and tell them you are adopting three and boy will you get help - they even fitted the car seats as I had no idea! And invest in lots of stair gates and move everything of value out!
- Get practical help with washing, even cleaning if you can so you can spend time with the kids. If your social services has support so you can have one to one time with each child then take it. I did for the eldest just swimming once a week but it helped.
- Biggest bit of advice would be to baby even the eldest - we didn't and looking back I regret it as he needed it as much as the others.
- Other advice - don't buy shoes with laces - Velcro every time. Invest in Barbie videos (my boys like them) so you can have snuggle time in the winter on the sofa with them).
- Sleep whenever you get the opportunity, take berocca every day ( it was fab and stopped the colds and stuff you will get with new kids in the house).
- Video from the outset – it’s my boys favourite to look back and watch this as they have no baby pictures of their own
As I said it was a bit of a blur so can't think of anything else - but great for weight loss! from Fifi
Playing with a controlling child
My daughter can be controlling (nearly seven), although she does play for long periods alone (usually role play or physical games rather than with toys). We have done a lot of board games with her to help her follow set rules - a particular favourite is snakes and ladders, also likes lotto type games. She does try to change the rules of these at times - usually I say I won't play unless we play by the rules, but sometimes I let her vary them (on my terms). I do think my daughter has gradually become less controlling over the years - I find it usually returns big time when she is under stress. From Milly
Spitting Oh, it's horrible isn't it? My daughter does it - she's just two - and I absolutely hate it. And she does it deliberately when she can't have her own way. She'll spit at me, at her brothers - it's just disgusting and I really find it hard not to react. Her chin is all spotty where she spits/dribbles/blows raspberries. Most unattractive. On a good day I react by just getting down to her level, holding her close and telling her that spitting is not a nice thing to do. On other days when I'm not feeling quite so patient I'm more blunt about it. And even though she's only just two she does know exactly what she's doing and she knows that she will get a reaction from me even though I do try my hardest to ignore it. I'm hoping that it's something she will grow out of - like grinding her teeth which was her last irritating habit.
from Donatella
Playing with a controlling child
My daughter (nine) can be very controlling, and does not play on her own. She will play if somebody is watching, or if she is playing with her sister (thankfully they do play nicely together most of the time - until she tries to boss her around, then it goes a bit pear-shaped). If nobody is watching her/playing with her she appears unable to play on her own, and most of her toys are hardly used because of this. One thing you could try is 'child led' play, also known as 'special play', where basically the child is in charge of the play, and you do not tell them what to do, you do almost like a running commentary of what they are doing (feels a bit strange at first), but our daughter does enjoy it, because it shows they are the focus of attention/in control. The idea is that if they are in control at certain times, they may not need to be so controlling the rest of the time. Also giving choices, gives them the feeling they are in control, although you are choosing the choices (hope that makes sense). They love it when we all play ludo, or traditional games like that and they tend to go better than other types of games. We try to play or have story just before bedtime, me and my husband either take it in turns to play game/story with our daughter so that they have individual attention, or we all play a game together, and they really enjoy it. We don't do it every night, because sometimes we will let them stay up a bit later instead, but do try to do it during the week if we can.
from Tiny
Dealing with lunch time When my elder daughter was struggling, I went into school at lunchtime. Due to having to drop my youngest daughter at nursery, by the time I got to school my elder daughter had eaten her lunch (or was just finishing) and was either waiting for me, or I found her in the playground. We then sat quietly in her class having a cuddle and story, and then I would go once the other children were coming back in. This worked well for us. I also asked school to arrange an activity for my daughter at lunchtime, which she could do with a select few, preferably supervised by an adult. This never happened, but would've been beneficial to add some structure to playtime.
from Littlemisscheerful
Calming down
I find the easiest thing when I am about to overreact when we are at home is to put some space between me and the child (usually my daughter, nearly 13, same height as me and thanks to all the exercise she does, muscles like an ox). I make sure she is safe, and tell her I love her very much, I don't accept her behaviour, but I am too cross to sort it out now, so I will be having five minutes to calm down and then we will talk. I usually stalk off to the kitchen and make a drink, find some chocolate and calm down, alternatively, I slam pans around and kick the door. Not long term solutions but it does help in that moment of crisis. For calming them, I find a warm milkshake in my seven-year-old’s baby bottle reaches her quicker than anything, and a warm bath with essential oils is good for calming too - she's there at the moment after a particularly fractious morning. from Hippychick
Coming home for lunch My daughter has been coming home from school now for lunch since her first term, and she is nearly seven. It gave her a chance to have lunch in a calm environment, and to top up on hugs before she went back for the afternoon session, and she did cope better for it. As she didn't eat or drink whilst she was in school, she was also getting into all kinds of scrapes and bother, I think it was so she could go and sit in a quiet place. She's at school on a part time basis at the moment (desperate measures at the middle of last term due to very high levels of separation anxiety and a lot of other problems), but that's another story. Maybe your child will cope better seeing you half way through the day, and when he or she is ready, can make the move back. I'm a very strong believer in going with what feels right for our little ones.
from Hippychick
Problems sleeping
Our daughter has always had problems sleeping. We started out with the principle that she must sleep in her own cot/bed, but reached a point where it was clearly not working. Co-sleeping has worked very well for her, and I wish we had tried it sooner. She spent six months last year when she was at her most stressed sleeping with us (she's seven now), and gradually as we've been able to reduce her stress she's been able to move back to her own bed and her own room. We hit a lot of opposition from family, but it worked and we were happy with it. Change is incredibly difficult for her and we do fall back into co-sleeping when things are at their most difficult, on holiday for example, and last night when she had had nightmares. If we are staying in a hotel, it's taken as read that she will sleep with me, she's always given the option to have her own bed, but we know that she'll end up sharing. We still sit with her until she falls asleep, she is too scared to stay on her own, I usually sit and read with my hand on her back so she knows I am there. Margot Sunderland’s book, The Science of Parenting has some really useful information on managing sleep which may be helpful; it helped me understand things for my daughter.
from Hippychick
A close time opportunity
I find it hard to have a close time with my kids, apart from bedtime stories. Life is busy, the kids generally want to be doing big things, and, to be honest, I'm not very good at that sort of thing. Tickling and roughing them up is fine: close, intimate play isn't something I'm terribly comfortable with or know how to initiate. But I've realised that it happens in the back of the car. On long journeys (and, man, does this cut across everything in our culture!) I have been sitting in the middle row of our people carrier so that I can more easily calm disputes, pass round snacks, etc. It is really hard to not be the one at the wheel and even harder to give up your rightful position in the front. Really hard! Anyway, I have normally been plugging myself in to an MP3 player, reading books and ignoring the kids as much as possible. I've seen the journey as something to be endured and simply the means to the end of getting somewhere, rather than an opportunity. But this time we had some of those magic boards that you draw on and then rub out. It was really good being able to interact with the kids, drawing awful pictures and having them try to guess - and vice versa. I'm not sure whose drawing is worse: mine of theirs! The evening trip home was even better. Close physical contact with my son with attachment disorder is sporadic. Having him tired and going to sleep next to me was a wonderful opportunity. I could put my hand on him, support his head when he'd dropped off, kiss him without having it rubbed off... I felt really close to him in a way that I don't think that I have before, and I'm really sure that something happened with him as well. It could not have happened like that at home, because he would not have accepted me putting him to bed while Mum was around. Hopefully next time we are going on a long journey I'll remember this and plan activities do to with them.
from Corkwing
Sleeping problems in babies
It's very hard when they don't sleep - having them sleep at least gives you a little bit of breathing space and time to regroup a little. Our two littlest have, thankfully, been no problem regarding sleeping but our eldest was really difficult. He was fine until 12 months old when it all went to pot and it took a very long time for us to get it together again. We tried various things to get him to sleep but by far the best thing was for me to just give in, cuddle up with him, a cuppa, the telephone and a remote control and just let him sleep in my arms while I watched This Morning. It wasn't ideal as it meant I couldn't use that time to do anything else but it was good for him and for me. At least it meant that I did get to actually sit down and chill. Buggy walking worked provided I didn't stop - so we walked for miles, and ditto the car - he'd sleep in the car but only while I was driving. As soon as I stopped he woke up. Nighttimes varied but usually my husband or I took it in turns to take him to bed. We put a duvet on the floor beside his cot and stayed with him until he fell asleep. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. We progressed to staying there until he'd almost fallen asleep and then moving slowly bit by bit out of the room whilst reassuring him that we were still there. Again, sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. The alternative was to bring him downstairs with us, cuddle up and allow him to fall asleep on the sofa. If we could then take him to his own cot we did, alternatively we just took him into bed with us. If he woke in the middle of the night and wouldn't settle then he'd come into bed with us. Quite honestly with a non-sleeping baby I didn't care where he slept - just as long as he slept and we slept. He needed the comfort of having mummy and daddy close by and so that's what we gave him. It did right itself eventually but he was still coming into our bed until he was almost four. Now, aged six, he sleeps like a log and only wakes up for a wee and a drink.
from Donatella
Passing Information on to New Teachers
We have found that some schools do pass information on and others don't. With the previous school we wrote some brief notes for the next teacher and arranged to see them within a few weeks of the start of term. When we went to do this at the present school there was no need. When I was teaching I would meet with the teacher who had the children coming in to my class and the teacher who would have the children I had taught. At this time I would highlight any problems that the teacher needed to know - this would include medical details, and where appropriate ways of settling an anxious child. At the end of each year notes were made for the children’s files. But to be honest very few teachers read these until they have had the children for half a term or so. The reason for this is the need to get to know the child for yourself, rather than be coloured by another person’s opinions. I think a note highlighting some of the differences is the best way forward.
from Dolphin Mum
Rejecting Mum
Adopted children often find relationships with the mum ‘role’ very tricky, because their brains are wired funnily due to past rejections, losses and other traumas. This means they cannot differentiate between a ‘safe’ mum and a not ‘safe’ mum even if it is stark contrast to previous encounters. It is not personal - it would be any lady in that role. Children often ‘blame’ the mother role for all the bad things that have happened even if the birth mum didn’t participate. It might be worth giving the foster carers a bell and asking if they came across this - they may not have done as it was a different kind of placement, but worth asking. On the positive side, your child is seeing you as someone who wants to be close to him and that is why they push you away - your love messages are getting through. The last few times they were close to a lady who was like a mum it hurt very much to lose her, so they put up their own barriers to make sure this doesn’t happen again. This may well be completely subconscious. On a practical level there are loads of things you can do to slowly build the relationship. It is positive that they can attach to someone, which means in all likelihood they will attach to you given time, patience love and support.
1) Do activities together - things they like; even looking through the Argos catalogue choosing what to spend millions on. Dominoes and puzzles, even sharing a TV programme together.
2) Read Dan Hughes stuff on attunement and try some out: I did brushing hair as hugs kisses were too much. The mirror game is good - you pretend there is a mirror and copy what they are doing, touching their nose, them touching your nose etc.
3) Be firm. Let them have time with your husband and make out it is the thing that makes you happiest in the world! Set aside one or two things that you just do together on your own. They won’t like it to start with but stick at it. They are like a scared toddler and you are showing it is fun and they don’t need to be afraid.
4) Get support. Ring social services, say you have some attachment issues and ask for the post adoption support team to get in touch.
5) Shame and blame and anger and control are all big issues for children with poor early attachment. Remember you are not alone!
6) Personal Support. Make sure your friends and family take you out and make sure you still feel like you... it is important. Talk about how you are feeling.
from Dimples
Making Friends
Our daughter always had problems relating to other children, particularly with large groups at school. I am sure this was one of the things that triggered off the bullying which subsequently led to us taking her out of school to home-educate. Since we have taken her out of school, and she is not facing such large groups she is gradually coping better with friendships with her peers. Whilst she is doing well in girls' brigade, swimming club, home-ed group etc., she will always have problems with groups. She is always concerned that one girl may be ‘taking away’ particular friends, but she is now beginning to learn that she can cope with her friends also being friends with others. Unfortunately it is something that girls do - we noticed it with our birth daughter also, they will get very close then cool off for a while and then pick up the threads again after a spell. It affects our adopted children more than birth children because it awakens the abandonment fear every time, and brings to the fore the fight or fright response. One of the things that has helped our daughter is making friendships with a neighbours' children. They are much younger and look up to her and will take some bossing around by her, up to a point. She can play younger games without losing face, and is genuinely looked up to by the younger girls, and their mum who thinks she is wonderful! We have to be careful to ration these play sessions though or our daughter starts to think she can take control and it could get out of hand. Friendships with peers isn't something they can learn to cope with overnight, it is a long painful process getting confidence with friendships and there is no shortcut.
from Towanda
Meeting Foster Carers After Placement
From experience, ‘neutral ground’ is definitely best. We waited eight months before meeting up with our son's foster carers, although he had phoned them several times prior to this. He was aged three at the time. It was a positive experience for all concerned. However we definitely made a mistake in visiting them at their home about four months later – our son was not ready for this and the ‘fallout’ lasted a couple of weeks! I suppose what I'm saying is, take it slowly, at you and your child's pace – no one else's - and even though it's not easy it is always going to be better for your child if you can keep them in contact in some way with positive aspects of their early life. Bee
Preparing Children to Start School
Ask your social worker/local authority if they produce anything - if not it might spur them into doing something along the way. In the interim check out www.pleasemiss.co.uk as they have a special page for adopters which is basic but useful. Also get clued up on the www.dfes.gov.uk/parents site which has a lot of useful stuff. Practice the basic stuff like getting changed in and out of uniform/shoes/PE kit/blowing noses etc. That's what takes up so much time in the classroom. Get them used to having a little bag with a spare pair of knickers just in case of accidents so they are relaxed and matter of fact about it. They may be dry now but they can get so distracted in class they can forget all about going and that can be quite distressing for them if they are not prepared with a little routine.
Talk to the school to find out how they will handle any problems you may have, whether your child can have some extra visits before going to school to help them become more familiar - our head was very good with both our kids in that way - it is a bigger deal for our kids because of the disruption they have already experienced. Check out the curriculum as there are some things that could make our children feel anxious - topics about their family may confuse or upset children as they do not know what is ok to disclose or just may not know the answers - has your child got a story to deal with such situations? Prepare their teacher and find out how you can communicate about difficult issues that may crop up.
If your child gets stressed with situations now - what happens - what coping strategies are in place? The playground can be a chaotic sometimes frightening place - a few visits to similarly busy parks may build a little more resilience if you feel this is a problem - a lot of children just find the playground too rumbustious for them - does the school have a quiet area?
Find some holiday activities - perhaps in your local library and see if you can leave them for a little while so they get used to being away from you. You will need the practice probably more than them - as leaving them to go to school can be really hard on us when the time comes - can quite take you by surprise the emotions that come up.
from Mayan49
Fussy Eating We had a problem with our daughter, who came to us aged three. She has something called Sensory Integration Disorder, which affects the way she processes various sensory information. It's a really interesting condition and people who have it can be affected in all sorts of different ways, so some people might be fine with touch e.g. our daughter, but struggle with other senses e.g. noise and taste for our daughter. I have it to a certain degree too, so was able to relate to what she was going through. I would hardly eat a thing as a child and my parents were at their wits end and did all the things that well-meaning people advise - to no avail. My daughter and I both have a problem with food texture and taste - we can't cope with bland or soft food. We love things which are crispy or heavily flavoured and simply can't cope with omelettes, custards, soft bread etc. Fast food is a real problem because you get such a huge reward, taste and texture wise for fairly little effort. It's all to do with the oral muscles - adopted children are at risk if they were neglected as babies and didn't get to suck enough. It is possible to eat a healthy diet with this condition but you have to be creative. Work round the things they like - if they like things coated in breadcrumbs, put herb crumb toppings on fish pie, add cheese to dishes and brown it under the grill, add nuts to sweet dishes, start off with crispy apples and barely cooked broccoli or carrots (raw veg is hard because it requires too much chomping). Use crackers or bread sticks instead of bread, try cheese like Boursin, rather than creamy plain varieties etc. Another common problem with this condition is to dislike very sweet flavours, like strawberry. Tarter flavours like raspberry might work better, or choose chocolate or nut desserts or ice creams rather than fruit-flavoured ones. If your child has problems with their mouth muscles, get them to suck and blow with straws, play table football with a straw and cotton wool, blow bubbles - that sort of thing. And avoid foods they might find it difficult to manoeuvre round their mouths for now - rice and cake are particular culprits.
from Garden
Adopting an Older Sibling Group I would want to know how the children have got on in the past and what their relationships are like. Has one taken on the role of parenting the younger ones in the light of there being no parent available - this may mean that they find it difficult to be parented themselves and give up their role as carer, which means not letting you in. Do they rely on each other for comfort as they didn't get it from their birth parent, are they rejecting or hostile to each other, was one of them the ‘special’ child or one of them the ‘rejected’? These are all things that will continue post placement and that you need to know about. Family Futures, who do a lot of work on this, do advocate quite often that siblings that have suffered a lot of trauma are placed apart as they cannot possibly get the one to one intensive reparenting they need from one couple. If they have come from dysfunctional and destructive backgrounds they may have intense rivalry and jealousy. They may also act as triggers to each others trauma and re traumatise each other, or if there was sexual abuse they may be highly sexualised with each other. Ask if they have been observed together to see how they behave, not just by foster carers, but by someone trained in child development and attachment. It might be best to introduce each child separately, perhaps with the eldest first. Longer periods of introductions are usually the norm for older children. It might be best for the children if they deferred starting school and for you too, as you get into a pattern. Also I'd get a massive support package, get social services to agree to funding therapeutic support and help in any reparenting you may have to do. Taking several children is not an easy task. I think social workers do get emotional about keeping children together when their best chances of developing an attachment and recovering in a new family is to be placed separately, but with contact with their siblings.
from Tsmum
Attitude
I have a seven-year-old with an attitude problem. I get contempt and expressions that basically say "you're so stupid" and it never fails to make me flare with anger (inside at least). On a bad day, I'll take her to task for her attitude and tell her in no uncertain terms that it's unacceptable. On a normal day, I'll just say "watch your attitude" and that's a sign to her that she needs to think about what she's saying, or how she's saying it. On a very good day, I'll joke that I have no idea why she's giving me the attitude that I know nothing, because I'm a perfect person that knows everything and am always right - even when I'm wrong! This usually makes her laugh, unless she's in a grump. And if she's in a grump, it tells me something is worrying her. from Fehrscaper
Fussy Eating
Our eldest daughter would not eat any veg and only one fruit when she came to us. She appeared to live off fast food from the usual big food chains much to our shock. We did buy some of the foods that she was used to, just to make her feel comfortable in her new home, but gradually dropped the unhealthy foods from her diet and replaced them with healthier foods i.e. veg and fruit. We now give her a mini version of what we eat. We did not force her to eat the food but encouraged her in a number of ways such as having green bean eating races, asking each other how yummy the carrots, etc. were and she soon picked up and tried them. It did not matter if we had to throw food out (dog put on some weight then). We also used the trick of yummy puddings - tinned fruit with a small amount of chocolate sprinkles (a useful trick to get children to eat healthy puddings) and Angel Delight. We also still have the odd naughty pudding every week and it seems to work. My biggest joy was when she met her foster parents at the front door munching a piece of raw carrot. I could see the surprise and shock on their faces - and it was not planned, honest! Don't try to rush things, go at their pace and encourage all the time but don't make a fuss.
from Hunnybunny
Introductions
I went through intros with my daughter when she was seven-and-a-half years old. I made up a photo album with various pictures of me, the house, each room, the garden, my parents, sister, etc. and it was given to her two weeks before intros started. Her social worker read it with her at first when she was told about me, then she read it each evening with her foster carer. For us the intros lasted 10 days:
Day 1 - one hour at the foster carer’s - I took a puzzle (something I knew she liked) and we completed it together.
Days 2 and 3 - Two-and-a half-hours at the foster carer’s, including some time alone. We played with her toys and drew pictures for a scrapbook.
Day 4 - From lunchtime to bedtime, we walked to the local park, then played at the foster carer’s.
Day 5 - Day off! (Recharging batteries) She was cross that I wouldn't be seeing her but I made sure she knew I was getting things ready for her to come and live with me.
Day 6 - A special day out together - just us to a local attraction I knew she'd enjoy.
Day 7 - All day at the foster carer’s, from getting up to bedtime. Lots of books, walks, puzzles.
Day 8 - The social worker brought my daughter to me for two hours. She looked at her new room and toys.
Day 9 - The foster carer dropped her off with me for lunch to early evening. We walked to our local park and beach, then I took her back and did the evening routine.
Day 10 - the foster carer brought her to me for the whole day. Day 11 - I collected her from the foster carer’s for her to move in. Lots of calm, home-based activities.
I took lots of photos of intro time for her life story folder to link the foster carer and me. Once they were printed we spent time writing captions for each page before including them in her folder. The rest (as they say) is history!
Contact with Foster Carers
As a foster carer, I feel it’s important to try and keep some level of contact going, even if it fizzles out in time. I feel strongly that a meet-up or visit to or from the foster carer in the first month or two of adoptive placement is a positive thing - I know for some older children it may seem to 'upset' them, or even with littlies it may unsettle them, but it shows that the people they left still care about them. And I think that's important and even if it causes upset, can bring some benefits. As the adoptive parents, you are there to show you can more than fill the gap, and reassure them of your commitment and help them through their loss.
I guess for adoptive parents the worry may well be; ‘but what if s/he prefers the foster carers and rejects us? Best not take the risk.’ This safeguards adopters’ anxieties - but does it answer the need/desire/wish of the child to see their old carers for reinforcement that they still matter to them? I am reliably informed that this scenario rarely happens - usually children show a marked preference for their adopters, even if they are really happy to see their foster carers and ask to go back to their house, have tea etc. Provided the foster carer handles it well and enthuses about the new mummy and daddy etc. it’s more likely to go well than not. You may also find that the foster carer remembers more stuff to tell you, or it’s a good opportunity to ask some more questions that didn't previously occur to you.
Most foster carers won't want a chunk of your child’s life - they're too busy! Just to be remembered, and reminded that they had a (hopefully) happy life with them. They may wish to send birthday and Christmas cards, again to reinforce the fact that your child matters to them. A meet-up from time to time, or even a few photos or video clip emailed at Christmas or after your summer holiday is enough for most foster carers, who will usually have another little one or ones to care for pretty soon afterwards.
from Midge
Looking at Pictures of the Past We have two boys and they're both very different. Our eldest was with his foster mum from birth to five months when he was placed with us and he was never happy looking at photographs of his time before he came to us. We just left his story book in a place that was accessible to him so that he could look at it when he was ready to. We certainly didn't push him. I don't think he had a terribly good attachment to his foster mum and we had problems with him attaching to us - even at such a young age, so I didn't want to do anything that was going to upset him. Our youngest was with his foster mum for nine months and their relationship was brilliant. We speak regularly, I send her photographs and we've met up once. He was fine whilst with her but was upset later that night. I haven't yet been through his life story book with him - he's 21 months old now and has been here for almost 10 months. I will start doing it soon but he was terribly upset during the contact visits and is crying in the pictures and I don't want to inflict that on him yet. It's something you want them to know about, but don't push it - sometimes we have to do things at their pace.
Berllan
Adopting an Older Sibling Group We had three children placed with us a year and a half ago – now aged four, six and eight. We were approached about our children with very positive information and a very positive social worker representing the children. We were told that the children were ‘straight forward and very adoptable’. They were placed in separate foster homes. A recent independent review suggests they should have never been placed together as they are continuing to relive their pasts with each other, they have such differing needs and the oldest is abusing the younger two. It is extremely hard to keep our younger two safe from our oldest – who is a lovely child but is just so angry and hurt from his past. However – they are our children now and that can’t change. What would I do differently?
1. Talk to the foster parents without social workers present before matching and ask them lots of questions.
2. Ask the social workers if a proper assessment has been undertaken to determine if the siblings should all be placed together. Lots of social workers think that all siblings should be placed together – but experts are now questioning this. Sometimes it is appropriate, sometimes not - there probably is no right answer, but they should be able to show you that they thought about it anyway!
3. Get a good support package put into place. Do not think that you won’t need it. We had nothing and were on our knees – we were so tired and stressed out. We now get practical support (respite and domestic) but we had to fight for it – better ask at the start. I do love my children, and am so glad to have them in my life, but it has not been easy and there have been times when we wondered if we could go on – but we still do.
Clicky
Food Issues
We had a terrible time when our son came to us. He had a very limited diet that consisted of sausages, fish fingers, smiley faces, cheese, chicken nuggets, scrambled eggs and lemonade. That was it - he would not eat anything else and if it was not in the packet that he knew then he would not eat it. He would have tantrums, say he was going to throw up on the table, cry and carry on for hours on end. His foster carers would not try to get him to eat anything else, even though he was with them for nearly two years as they did not like to see him cry.
To get round the problem of packaging, everything I bought was put into plain plastic bags so he could not check what brand it was - that was a challenge as he would go through the bin to check. Thankfully it was summer, so I was able to call his bluff about being sick and the children ate outside a lot so if he was sick it could be easily cleaned up. He did not like that one bit, but soon started getting on with his food once he realised even though the food was in a different package it was OK.
Trying to introduce new things was hard, but I gave him small portions along with his normal meal. He would get a treat after his meal only if he ate them. Sweets, crisps etc. were put on a ban and could only be had after a meal. That started to work but it could take half an hour to eat five peas. Once things got a little better we started trying new varieties of his favourite foods, so instead of chicken nuggets we tried crumbed chicken fillets which worked. Then we set up a challenge for him to try something new every day and then he would get a treat at the end of the week, which was an afternoon bowling with his friend.
After nearly 14 months of working up to new foods and cooking with him he will now eat a roast Sunday meal without too much fuss, loves pasta, but only if it is with a certain sauce, but things are getting better now. Veggies are eaten without a tantrum and if he starts then we all ignore him. He looks so much better for being on a better diet, his behaviour is calmer and family meal times are becoming a pleasure. Cooking with him and making his favourite foods from scratch helped a lot. He was proud of what he had made so most times would eat it. Now he does understand that there are a lot more things in a chicken nugget than just chicken, it helped so much. We used to get very upset when he would not eat and were concerned about his diet. Taking away snacks and only giving them as a reward after a meal did help so much as he had not filled himself up and was hungry, so he would eat.
from Penpen
Calling you ‘Mummy’ and ‘Daddy’
We are six months into having adopted two children - a boy and a girl, ages five and four. I thought someone out there might be struggling with an issue which we had - our son would not call my wife mummy/mum but would just use her first name. This was a bit of an issue as it formed a subtle barrier to a better bond developing. It was made worse by the fact that (probably as a result of my spending more time at home) he was OK calling me Daddy. Well we took advice, never made a direct issue with him, modelled the behaviour ("please tell you mum that ..."). But in the end after about four months we just sat him down and - in a playful way - suggested that using mum/mummy was the best way to get her attention and we'd really like it if he did. He did and has from that day to everyone's benefit. Was it just the right time to ask or just a question of being direct and not making a fuss about something important…? from pd
Contact with Foster Carers
Our two have been with us almost two years. They speak occasionally to the foster carer on the telephone – the foster carer always waits for us to ring and doesn't ring us first. We meet up at least once a year in a neutral place - theme park etc. Our kids were with their foster carer for a long time (over two years) and have very clear memories. The meet-ups are enjoyable for all and we are very fond of the foster carer too. My own feeling is that foster carers are a huge part of our kids’ lives and to an extent are holding their memories safe for them. They met the birth mum and we did not, despite trying very hard, and we are keen to keep up the contact so our children are able to get any information they might need in the future about their background, time in care etc.
from Jukegirl
Fussy Eating
Wow! Aren’t mealtimes fun when you’re used to adult and sophisticated behaviour before the littlys join? Our three-year-old has been with us for five months now, and is a regular joy, except when I’m left tearing my hair out of course! We just put down exactly what we are having (if it is curry or something spicy, we make him tinned macaroni or something and give him a side plate to try what he wants from ours). If he doesn’t eat anything we don’t make a fuss and he always gets his yoghurt, but won’t get a fancy dessert for instance. Another thing I watched about introducing vegetables was to do play time, i.e. chop an assortment of veg up and let littly use it to paint with etc, so he can get used to the different textures and used to seeing shape and form and they don’t look alien to him on the dinner table. I think it is good to just ignore and not make an issue of things if they are not going to eat. They won’t go hungry. I suppose we are lucky though that littly does like most things we put down to him, but it is still a regular drama getting used to him swinging on seats, short attention span etc. from Geomar
Swearing at School We have had our oldest sent home because of very poor behaviour, it is so hard to know what to do. We worry about imposing consequences at home for school issues, as school should deal with it, but it is not that easy, especially when they are not dealing with it properly, and when you (and they) feel that it is a very serious issue. As someone who continues to experience this at home, I am probably not the best person to give advice. However, one thing we are doing with our two oldest is giving them things to take to school to help them feel less that they are/will be abandoned by us (my six-year-old recently said that he is actually scared every single day that we won’t come and get him, how sad). He keeps one of my special pins (of course, I won’t be upset if he loses it and half expect him to, so don’t give them something you really don’t want to lose) and my oldest has pictures of all the family at school in his desk to look at (they are photocopied as when angry he is likely to tear them up, and we will just accept that and give him new copies. Initially he refused to bring them into school but then I gave them to the head who looked them over with him and they are now in his desk and he says he likes looking at them). Frankly, we are still having lots of bad behaviour at school, but the boys say it makes them feel a bit better and we did only start it recently, so who knows. As for consequences, well, that’s tricky. We tried the pocket money thing, and still use this, we tried banning TV and then having to earn the privilege back, this worked better. Although I agree that lots of consequences can lead to a negative cycle, I still feel that there needs to be some sort of consequence for being called something dreadful (what though?), although after the consequence is given, you need to reconnect quickly and move on, which is very hard to do.
from Clicky
Fussy Eating When our three children, aged two, three and four arrived, they were really used to eating junk food all the time. I cook one meal and that’s it, we always eat home cooked proper food. I started by giving them very small portions (and I mean really a few spoonfuls) and we were resolute that ALL of the meal had to be eaten to get pudding. I made some really scrummy puds or had ice cream or chocolate cake. We had some spectacular tantrums at first if someone didn’t earn their pud! But we stuck with it and it very quickly paid off. I always tell them they don’t have to eat their meal but they will not get a pudding. I built up the amount they had for main meal and changed the puds for more healthy option most times (I still let them have a naughty pud at least three to four times a week) if of course they eat their dinner! I can’t remember the last time someone didn’t eat up. When they arrived they hated all fruit and veg, now they eat five to eight portions a day and really enjoy them.
from Horace
Introductions
It was a very long time ago when I met my five- and six-year olds. For this age I would really suggest you first see a video of your prospective child, because they are old enough to know what is going on and you need to be prepared and able to concentrate rather than simply trying to take in what you are seeing! Anyway, we took modest toys and played with them. Our first visit was quite short and we were introduced by first names. I’m not sure looking back if this was the best thing, but it felt OK at the time. We agreed to meet again soon after and took them out for a few trips before taking them to our house. Maybe seeing photos or a video of your house will help. Whatever you do, take it steady. from Jet
Uninvited Questions About Adoption We have had our daughters for a few years now and the questions raised ranged from how much did you pay for them, to has she seen her mother (meaning birth mum) do that (from my own mother)! We have a range of responses but the best way we have found so far is to give a very vague short answer and then to ask the other adult something rather pertinent. This has worked really well and I have to say it is most unlike me but honestly our children are not second class and they do have ears and feelings.
from Eduardochick
Stopping Verbal Outbursts
One thing that has helped me is to try and give words to my son's feelings. So I might say to him: "Gosh, you are upset and feeling sad at the moment. I can see you don't feel very cuddly but whenever you’re ready for a cuddle I'm here for one." I also say things like "I understand you are feeling upset and that life isn't fair. Let it all out." The last time my son sobbed and screamed for an hour or so but it felt different from the aggressive screaming he used to do. He then did come to me for cuddles and as it was bedtime I let him come into my bed for cuddles so that he was totally calm and felt loved by the time I put him to bed. Sorry if this sounds so "easy" I've been there when he's been totally unapproachable and not let me anywhere close to him. Over time I've learned how to spot the warning signs and backed down and talked calmly rather than shouting - though that is what I've felt like doing! from Tsmum
Encouraging Good Behaviour
When I put my kids to bed and we have the final kiss and cuddle I always end up on a good note like "do you remember when I asked you to brush your teeth nicely today?" "Yes" "Well you did it really well and first time I asked, well done!" Then I make my exit without any more conversation. They go off to sleep thinking about something that they did that I approved of and hopefully they will get the message that it is good to comply with what Mummy wants. from Tinker
Sharing Information with Teachers We always assumed that information was not being passed from teacher to teacher, although I believe that they probably discussed the problems that were encountered by our daughter, I do not believe that information relating to the cause and how to help her followed her through school. Every time she moved to a new teacher we made an effort to go and meet the teacher before the move, we always took with us a letter detailing the fact that she was adopted, that she has attachment difficulties, and we also gave each teacher a copy of a document given to us by a social worker which explained the way that attachment difficulties manifest at school and how to deal with them. We also gave copies of this useful document to the head and the SENCO as they remained constant through her school life. Unfortunately some teachers showed little interest and I doubt they ever even looked at the information - others were interested and made a real effort to understand and help. I believe that the problems would be much worse at senior school (we never made it that far as we are now home educating) as they have contact with so many different teachers on a daily basis, and we would have approached her form teacher and year head with the information, but doubt that most of the teachers would have been informed of the problems, unless we had approached each teacher directly - not really a practical proposition.
from Towanda
Violent Children
We have a video recorder that is on permanent charge in a cupboard and when one of our sons 'loses it' we try to remember to tape it. We've even found that just by him knowing his behaviour is being recorded it will slow him down. I really do know how hard it can be to ask for help when dealing with violent kids, none of us like to feel we can't control them. from Dot
Settling In
When my two first came, I completely underestimated how much work would be involved in running the house. I ended up getting quite obsessional about things like the state of the floor (I realised I had a problem when our neighbour commented on how often I was vacuuming!). I've since discovered that this is a common reaction to stress, and boy was I stressed.
Things that made a difference:
I got our cleaner back again (she also did our ironing). She only came once a week but it got the bathrooms cleaned
Not taking ages over preparing meals. I had grand plans for home-made lasagnes etc. and discovered that this just took too much time. Better to spend time with the children than to go in for creative cookery at this stage
Realising if you are using the housework as a way of avoiding spending time with the children. Our two just wanted each other to begin with and it was hard for me to find a way in - I definitely used the chores as a way of keeping a distance.
In terms of things to do, giving them a bath is always fun for everyone; going to the park is free and you don't have to interact with them the whole time; soft play centres are great (and you can often sit at the side and watch). Things we find stressful are painting (mine have zero attention span and get fed up quickly, and it always takes so long to set up everything and put it away again); play-dough (elder daughter always eats it, dog tries to eat it, again they get bored after a few minutes); having friends round (they can't share with other people yet). Good games are things like Jenga (where you build a tower and pull the pieces out ‘til someone knocks it down); the Beetle Game (very structured and easy for everyone to play - I think you can get it in Woolworths); hide-and-seek.
from Garden
Visits to Friend’s Houses
It's great when they get their first invitations - other children like them! I always went along at first to settle my daughter in, then left her to get on with it. Only, it didn't work for us. She was so anxious that she would act up (not all the time during the visit, but sporadically) and I ended up stopping these visits for a long time. She's only starting them up again now (nearly seven) and I always go along first again, and keep them really short. Unless we know the family really well, and I know she feels confident there, she never stays for tea. I have also found that she copes best if she doesn't know about the play-date in advance, so she doesn't spend the day worrying about it (interestingly, the mothers of the girls whose homes she has visited, apparently on the spur of the moment, say that their daughters have enjoyed the play much more because they didn't know about it in advance either).
I should also add that visits by friends to our house were even worse! I do this even less often, but when I do, it's a totally structured play-date now, so no letting them disappear upstairs to raid the bedroom. I plan something like baking or crafts, then tea and then home. She just can't cope with someone running through the house, potentially about to take any of her things (or me, more to the point). I understand that this is a common problem with adopted children, who aren't strong enough to share.
I would suggest:
- Go along with them, at least for the first 20 minutes or so
- Don't tell them about it in advance, and warn the other parent not to tell either
- Suggest to the other parent that they keep the play date quite short (one and a half hours max), structured, and don't include tea
- If they get an invite, maybe suggest that you all go to a soft play centre or similar instead, so you can see how they get on with that child and spot any possible problems. They are usually more relaxed on neutral territory
- Leave something of yours if you leave the child at the friend's house, like your perfume or mobile phone (with the mum, so your child can call you if they need you - it's so much more reassuring than just asking to use the family's land line)
from Garden
Uninvited Questions About Adoption In the early days we had loads of people asking very personal questions. It was usually the neighbours or people that didn’t have any right to ask these questions anyway. I was polite but answered with "sorry but any information about the childre and their birth family is confidential" - it usually shut people up fairly quickly. The worst one was from a neighbour who in front of my children asked if their real mum was dead! And why have we adopted, can’t we have any children of our own? I promptly gave my rehearsed answer and changed the subject.
from Tinker
Settling In
We took on three children all at once and constantly worried about the amount of attention we gave them, it is VERY hard to be the all singing super-mum you thought you might be, what is important is that for your own sanity you create your routines and boundaries as soon as possible. We took this advice from the foster carer who was very experienced and had had our children for about 18 months. She said that it is easier to get softer but a lot harder to get harder. The reality is that your household has more than doubled and things need to be done, just keeping up with the washing is a nightmare (won't even talk about the ironing). If they are not at school or nursery perhaps you could make your own timetable for daytime activites, if they are at school like ours are we had special days of the week where each child got to help prepare dinner with me (under strict supervision), we made this a game, counting out cutlery/place mats, cutting veg etc. People, including social workers, thought my ‘regime’ as they described it was too rigid and perhaps I should relax more. I took their advice and it did not work, so we have gone back to my original way. With better weather just going for a walk or to the park is an excellent way of spending time with your children. Do try painting and sticking with them, it is great fun. from June
Problems at Playtime
My son's primary had a ‘privilege club’. Anyone who found it hard to cope at lunchtime had a free pass to go there whenever they needed. For everyone else it was a privilege they had to earn. Basically it was a corner of the library where they could play or do crafts with adult supervision. It worked a treat. They also asked me to be a free dinner lady in the playground so I could see for myself and help my son if need be. I think it's generally recognised these days that playtime can be a harrowing experience for a range of children.
from R3yb
Dealing with Anger, Aggression and Insults
Speak in a low, slow voice. Reflect back what you are seeing/hearing: "You seem very angry/upset/tearful.” Don’t apportion blame, just stating a fact of what you see. Try a hand on the shoulder or, if they cannot cope with physical contact, eye contact is just as good. Get them to sit next to you as close as they can bear. Tell them they have to sit with you because they are making bad decisions. Just sit quietly with them if they'll let you. If they are in a rage, get them to put boots on and stomp around the garden. Don’t let them back in; just watch from the window and smile and give the thumbs up. Keep them out there running about until they are really ready to come in. Then praise them for getting all the anger out. Do something different to how you normally react. Our kids are hardwired, meaning they search their memories for how they have always behaved and don't change their strategies. You try changing yours - e.g. if they overreact, then mirror that by overreacting back. Perhaps later, when they are calmer, you can role play the scene, with them taking your part, so they can see what it's like to be in your shoes and how upsetting/frustrating it is. These are just a few ideas I have from attending the Adoption UK course ‘It's a Piece of Cake?’ which is brilliant. If you can get your local authority to take it up and you and partner can get on it, really you would see the benefits that we have. from Madrid
Uninvited Questions About Adoption
If I was feeling uncomfortable with a line of questioning, I'd just say "I'm sorry, but that's confidential." People generally understand the need for confidentiality, and then you can talk in general terms about the kinds of fears that adopted children may have and maybe how they can help. Pianojo
Learning to read
Many children experience problems learning to read and can seem to lag behind their classmates. There are lots of different reasons why this happens and many of them are not serious. Children, like adults, learn at different paces.
But there are a number of things you can do if your child seems to be taking his or her time in learning to read or if you suspect something is wrong. These range from trying to help and encourage them, to taking more direct action to highlight any problems.
First visit your GP to make sure it isn’t a hearing or sight problem that is giving your child difficulties.
Then arrange to meet with your child’s teacher, discuss your concerns and find out what they suggest. The teacher may be able to put your mind at rest or may have helpful suggestions. Either way, it is useful to get them on your side.
There are also things you can do at home to encourage your son/daughter:
Read aloud to your child every day for a short time, regardless of age
Make sure you have books about the things your child finds interesting
Buy books on tape
Keep books on hand that match your child’s interest
Let your child see you reading at different times
Make sure you listen to your child when they do try to read
Roger
Developing good eating habits
Developing good eating habits is an important part of a child’s physical and psychological wellbeing. Making sure children view food and the ritual of meal times in a positive light from early on can prevent countless problems which might otherwise develop later in childhood or even on into adult life.
Encourage children to chew well and take their time over meals. Young children who eat too quickly may develop problems with food and eating later.
Toddlers have small stomachs and often cope best with smaller, more frequent meals and nutritious snacks.
Create a positive attitude towards food and mealtimes.
Aim to eat as a family once a day, keep the atmosphere at the dinner table positive and avoid airing grievances at mealtimes.
Don’t force children to eat - it is normal for them to lose their appetites for a few days at a time. Whenever possible involve your child in the food preparation process and let them be creative with it. Don’t overfill children’s plates – give them small amounts and let them ask for more.
Don’t use desert as a reward or withhold it as a punishment. This links food with behaviour and could lead to future problems.
When introducing new foods, start the child off with a small amount. If they protest, don’t make a fuss and give them an even smaller amount next time – they may get to like it the second or third time.
Ask friends and family not to give your child junk food – try to make sure in general they are given healthy snacks and treats are just occasional.
from Nurse Neris
Attachment tips
My first child was very young when he was placed - ten weeks. I did lots of things (he is now 16 so it’s hard to remember!). I got the smells the same between foster home and here, read Vera Fahlberg’s A Child's Journey into Placement, bought a baby sack so I could carry him as much as possible. Older babies will be heavy, so start weight training or your shoulders will groan. Bathing was good for attachment as mine loved water (and still does), and I extended this to swimming. Find out what kind of baby - content, anxious etc as that is useful. from Poppy
Names for birth parents
Although our children suffered appallingly at the hands of their birth mum they still love her and referred to her as Tummy Mummy then Mummy X, Mum or X as they have grown up and I have never had a problem with this. Other than Tummy Mummy which was a title we conferred on her when it made things easier for my two-year-old, they have been responsible for choosing the titles they have felt comfortable with and that reflected their feelings at the time. Thus my older son might have referred to her as X whilst the younger daughter referred to her as Tummy Mummy. There was no confusion and I was still their Mum. from Mayan49
Refusing to Read
I know just how frustrating this is - we've had it with both kids for different reasons. Both times I told school I was not going to listen to whichever child it was read as it just caused too much stress in the family. I think this was quite a surprise to the teachers in the school. But I was adamant and if they (the teachers) chose to argue I would remind them that as an experienced teacher of young children I felt this was the best option.
We continued to read bedtime stories and made sure the child could see the words. With our son it was genuine and he did struggle with reading; with our daughter it is more about control. One thing I did do was read with them once a week. I would choose an easy book and we would read it together in several different ways:
Both read the words together following with finger very closely
Read a sentence each
Read a page each
Child reads one word on each page or each sentence. Give them a few seconds and if they can't or won't just read it yourself and carry on, making no comment, whether they read the word or not. If rewards work you can give a reward at the end - but don't tell them before and vary the reward!
Basically the same with homework - they sit for the required length of time and if they have made no attempt I say they were not able to do it. I am always happy to explain again, and am fortunate that as a teacher I have many resources.
And just to encourage you all, our son learnt to read by getting the Beano every week. He loved the cartoons so much he learnt to read the words. Our daughter now reads using a coloured filter and is not too far behind her peers.
from Dolphin Mum
Getting children to eat healthily
Our children came to us aged three years, two years and ten months with a diet of sausage rolls, crisps, choc bars, sweets and fizzy drinks! Even though it wasn’t always easy I started as I meant to go on. I didn’t offer any of the junk they had been used to at all and still don’t really - or I suppose I do for a treat occasionally or at parties etc.
The way I did it was to make tea, i.e. pasta or something with vegetables and mash and told them they had to eat it if they wanted a pudding, which was and still is a yoghurt or fromage frais and not very often anything different. I didn’t experiment with exotic foods for them and kept things basic and used the same foods fairly often - too much choice and kids switch off. Also any snacks between meals are in the fruit bowl - sometimes they eat loads of fruit, sometimes they don’t have any at all. I try not to make an issue out of it but have it available at all times.
Initially we had some very angry, stubborn and chaotic meal times but if you could see them now four and a half years on they eat fantastically without much fuss - they love salad and have it almost every day! from Tinker
Difficult bedtimes
My eldest son has real difficulty settling at night. We found the best way to get him to settle was by staying in his room until he fell asleep. I did manage after a couple of years to edge my way onto the landing and he seemed OK with this. I think he was ready to do it alone by then. Now, four years later he goes to bed every night alone and usually with not too many problems. Only the odd night when something unsettles him do we have any bother. He did sleep with us for a long time too, not the best option but he couldn’t cope alone. from Tinker
Attachment tips
Our little boy was placed with us at six months. He was with foster carers from ten days old. The day we collected him and brought him to our home I remember everything felt so surreal. Once we came back down to earth, it was down to practicalities. We made sure everything was as familiar to our son as possible in terms of using the washing powder foster mum used and we also took home the bedding he used at the foster mum’s so at least the smell was familiar to him (we still use one of the blankets now!). I also found in the beginning (first few weeks) whenever our son heard my or my husbands voice, he looked alert and as though he knew who his new mummy and daddy were. He looked forward to bathing both morning and evening and he still absolutely adores bath time (he is 21 months now).
We felt he attached well, however, two and a half months into placement we were invited to the foster family for tea - big mistake. Our son seemed to recognise the house, the people, and we felt like perfect strangers. We were told after, by our social worker we should not have met at the foster home and instead should have met them at the local park. This didn't seem to undo too much of the attachment we had already made, I guess our son reverted back a week or so and since then the bonding went from strength to strength.
from Nicholson
Attachment tips
My first baby was very young when he was placed - ten weeks. I did lots of things (he is now 16 so it’s hard to remember!). I got the smells the same between foster home and here, read Vera Fahlberg’s A Child's Journey into Placement, bought a baby sack so I could carry him as much as possible. Older babies will be heavy, so start weight training or your shoulders will groan. Bathing was good for attachment as mine loved water (and still does), and I extended this to swimming. Find out what kind of baby - content, anxious etc as that is useful.
from Poppy
Difficult bedtimes
I find the best way to calm my daughter at bedtime is to go back to her and say soothing words like "I can see you're anxious - it's hard for you" and stroke her and be very empathic. It usually works and she calms down quite quickly. Other things that work: putting her into our bed (we carry her back through when she's asleep) or giving her our pyjamas to cuddle. Whatever, reasoning with her just doesn't work - she's in the wrong part of her brain. And, the problem is that if you keep these kids in this part of the brain (the reptilian brain) then their response becomes hard-wired and they never do anything differently.
from Garden
Difficult bedtimes
Having had the bedtimes from hell in the past, I can really sympathise with you. Our daughter used to pace around the room until about 10pm, or try to wake up her little sister, or sing to herself etc. It was all to do with her separation anxiety - in fact, just about all of her behaviour problems are down to separation anxiety. And it's not like with normal kids, where they learn that things are going to be okay - if they have separation anxiety then you just keep reinforcing it by 'banishing' them (I know you're not banishing them, but that's how it feels to them).
from Garden
Bonding tips for babies
Build up your back muscles then carry the baby everywhere. If you can get a wraparound kind of sling (the sort that snuggles the baby up rather than the Baby Bjorn type), you can put the baby in it in a variety of positions, and they will be comforted by your heartbeat, your smell, your presence. And it's amazing what you can do whilst carrying a baby - my little one came at five months and I literally did not put her down for a year. Even now at nearly three I still carry her lots, all day when she's poorly.
Share baths, share nap times, build up all the togetherness times you can - and limit the amount of time other adoring grandparents etc. spend with cuddles. If you are always the one (or ones if there are two of you) doing the feeding, changing, comforting, cuddling, they will learn to associate you with all those good things.
Thing is, it's tricky as you feel mean for not letting others cuddle them for long stretches of time, you feel tired and want to hand them over for a break, you worry (and other people tell you) that you are "making a rod for your own back" by spoiling the child...but in fact what you are doing is recreating what most babies get, a good nine months growing familiar with their mother before they are ever expected to bond with anyone else.
Warning...this can make for toddlers who are clingier and more "mummy dependent", but they do get past that stage, and can become more independent later on, secure in the knowledge that your arms are open.
from Tia
Letters to birth family
When we write to our children’s birth mother and other letterbox signees we always start off 'Dear Name, as agreed here is our latest letter for you. We hope you are well and life is treating you kindly.' Then we go on to how the children are getting on at school and nursery and their clubs. We tell them about days out, holidays, what toys they like to play with, favourite TV programmes, favourite colours, their height, shoe size and what size clothes they take and so on. This time we've asked a question about something that is worrying our oldest we hope the birth mother can answer. We’ve done three letters so far and each time I find it hard to get started but once I do I find I fill a page of A4 typed very quickly. I do worry that as time goes on the letters will get formulaic and try to make each one slightly different.
from Haze
Surviving long car journeys
We've had 12-hour car journeys before with our two and I can honestly say they have been among our most stressful experiences. There are long periods of calm and then it all starts to go pear-shaped. I find the best thing to do is to watch out for things going pear-shaped and stop off ASAP, regardless of whether you were planning a stop or not. The distraction will usually work - you only need to visit the toilets or let them have a run around. If you don't nip it in the bud it will develop into a mini tantrum, which is the last thing you need when they're in the back seat and you're in the front. And if it's not stopped quickly then it's harder to get them calmed down.
It is annoying when you are pushing on, but I've found it's the only way. My two won't do any of the in-car games you can buy for kids and we just end up with all sorts of rubbish strewn over the back seats. The one game they do like is for each of us to choose a colour and we count the number of cars which overtake us - winner is first to five. This is simple enough for even the youngest child as the adults can do the counting.
from garden
Self harming
My children used to bite themselves quite often and very occasionally will still do so. When my boys do it, it is very definitely done to get a reaction and so I try not to give any reaction at all. If I do say anything it will be along the lines of "you must be feeling very sad/cross/hurt."
If I gave them any indication that it made me sad then I think that would make them do it more.
It is very distressing to see them deliberately hurting themselves, but I have found that my children stop doing it if it doesn't get the reaction they want from me.
from Greyspeckledhen
Self harming
When my son self harms I empathise that I can see how much he is hurting inside - which doesn't always work as that can sometimes make him angrier. But one day what did work was for me to say “go on boy let it all out. Scream. Scream like this” and I screamed. He began screaming and shouting, “I hate myself, I don't want to be different, I hate it, it's so difficult…” which eventually turned into sobs but he had stopped hurting himself apart from the occasional scratching at his face. I just kept on saying “let it all out, good boy, let all those feelings out” and turned it vocal instead of physical. I also kept saying “when you're finished I'm here for a cuddle.” It might work if the circumstances are right, as I say it worked once for me. He sobbed for ages afterwards and then finally came to me for a cuddle.
from Tsmum
Letters to birth family
I start my letters with Dear *****, and then ask how she is keeping. I usually then make some comment about time flying by and guessing that she must be wondering how the boys are doing. I write a couple of paragraphs about what primary year they are in, the clubs they belong to and any special achievements, i.e. my oldest plays in chess competitions. I tell her about the photos I have sent (I send the nicest ones I can, at Christmas make a calendar with their photos on and sometimes send things like key rings with their photos on). I know photos are not appropriate for a lot of letterbox contact, but I feel comfortable with sending photos, and I know their birth mother looks forward to receiving them. I finish the letter with good wishes and my Christian name. I don't sign from my husband (don't know why, just how it has developed). We do not get any replies but I plug away. The letters do get easier to write. I think it is important to write about what stage the boys are at, as their birth mother gets stuck at what age the boys were when she last saw them.
from Kitty
Coping with the waiting before adoption
Some of the things we have done are pricing up furniture, equipment etc so when the call comes we will at least know where to go to buy stuff. We are also looking at bedding, paint etc – we can't buy anything as we are approved for either gender so it's impossible to second guess and imagine the social worker’s face if you paint the room pink and they match with a boy! I've also bought some things like soft toys and gender neutral toys, like puzzles - it helps me with the feeling of doing something at least. Finally I've spent time with friends’ children, taking them places, having them to stay etc - just to get some practice in and to help when it comes to matching as we had a linking meeting recently and were asked what sort of stuff we did which involved children - they liked the fact we spend some time with nephews and godchildren.
from Ceri
Getting Rid of Nits
Firstly wash the hair in a regular shampoo. As you rinse the hair make a solution of water and vinegar (nits hate vinegar). Leave the solution on the hair for five minutes. Rinse thoroughly. Put a palm full of conditioner onto the hair and comb through with a nit comb or a very fine-toothed comb. You will see the little critters jump ship in no time. To regularly keep them at bay try rinsing the hair at least once a week in a solution of vinegar and water. Remember to rinse thoroughly to stop people commenting that the kids smell like a chippy!
from Tracyquinn
Discipline
I know just how it feels to be at your wits end it drains you so much, that you hardly have the energy to deal with the problems.
I have learned through experience that you really have to be cruel to be kind:
Be firm without backing down
Give reasonable expectations
Use ‘time out’ or if possible ‘time in’
Make it clear what is and what is not acceptable
Try and be positive. Give an alternative to the behaviour without saying ‘I told you so’
Try and pick up on anything your child is doing that is what you want and praise in a small way with a smile or thumbs up or a little kiss
Give reasonable punishments, usually the natural consequence of the undesirable behaviour, ie. if they pick the wallpaper off get them to stick it back on with pritt stick, saying it looks much better when it is not ripped.
Another good one I use every night with my kids and it really does work a treat. Having done the bedtime routine, put the child into bed, read story, then tell them about something they did during the day that pleased you. For example 'do you remember how you sat really nicely at the table tonight? You were such a good girl and Mummy is so proud of you' say ‘night night’ and go - the message is powerful.
Tinker
Coping with the early days of placement
After all the stresses and strains, the adoption ‘process’ culminates in a little whirlwind turning your whole life upside down. Reality can really bite you in the derriere pretty hard when your ‘wish’ finally comes true. You've waited so long for this thinking perhaps your life will be complete and now you move from the waiting room to another place - the full enormity of the task ahead suddenly stares you in the face and that can be quite something to cope with.
It is quite understandable that you might ‘rubberband’, revisiting your own personal loss at not having birth children at this time and probably many more times in the future as you come to acceptance. This is all part of the healing and gives you a better understanding of your children’s feelings of loss. Learn to recognize these feelings and go with them - they will be a guide and old friend during your journey through adoption.
You must be gentle with yourself - grieve if you need to grieve and get as much emotional and practical support as you can lay hands on.
Set your routines up for the children and yourself and importantly make time for yourself/partner - and get your rest when you can - you will also be physically shattered. The weight of new responsibilities is a heavy burden alone never mind all the day to day stuff.
Take care, relax into it (you will make mistakes - we all do - and there is a steep learning curve in these early days) but enjoy 'cos this is it finally - chaos, tears, smiles and exhaustion - and sleep - just watch them sleep (when they finally go off that is!) - I still go in and peak at my nearly 16-year-old daughter safely tucked up and it still brings tears to my eyes every time.
Mayan49
Bedtimes
Our daughter was a nightmare at bedtimes when she first came to live with us, aged three. Now she is back to her old bad ways of refusing to go to sleep - and you can't make someone sleep.
She keeps herself going all day long to keep the bad feelings at bay. At night, in bed, there's nowhere to hide so she misbehaves. She's remembering a lot about her early years right now, which is why she's so distressed.
We take her down with us when she can't settle at all and let her sit quietly. Usually she falls asleep shortly afterwards on the sofa, or will agree to go back to bed about 20 minutes later. It's a big disruption to our evenings, but better than her going crazy all evening.
I think the important thing is she understands we chose to let her come downstairs - it's not her choice. Sometimes we don't let her downstairs but put her in our bed, the spare room, or even in the bathroom to sleep. I do think there's something about being seen to be totally in charge, whatever you do. It seems to calm our daughter to see us take control and do something - anything.
I really think she's not just being misbehaving - it's a huge cry for help.
Garden
With our nine-year-old we have a very strict bedtime routine. She goes to her bedroom to play at 7pm, and plays for half an hour to 45 minutes, she has a 15-minute 'warning', and then gets ready for bed. We do her teeth, then read a story together. On nights when she is very stressed, she can look at a book by herself in bed, she will pop down to check we are still in, and will report bad dreams, earache, she has an exhaustive list. She will be given Calpol and/or lavender oil on her pillow, we reassure her that we will check on her in 10 minutes to check she is ok. She's usually asleep by 8.30pm.
It has taken us seven years to get to this point, and there are still nights when she will try and push me backwards down the stairs or scream abuse at me, but at the moment, it is working and she is calm.
We work on choices too, if she chooses not to do as I ask when I ask, then she forfeits five minutes from bedtime tomorrow night. This lets her stay in control, which is a very big issue here too. She has a fruit bowl in her room, and a night light.
M
The power step
Something I learned from Joy Hasler, a gifted creative attachment therapist in Bristol: instead of the dreaded 'naughty step' we now use the 'power step'. Our son will sit on it when he has made a bad choice for one minute (starting from the time he sits still and has stopped raving). The power in the step helps him to think about a better choice. It also comes in handy when putting his shoes on his own and sometimes the power on the step is so strong, that his shoes are on his feet before I can say 'boo'. Sadly, sometimes the power is a bit weak, but then nothing is ever a 'one-for-all' tool...
Kerstin
Toy destruction
Stick to age appropriate toys (for some kids that’s younger than their 'real' age). They are more likely to break toys they don’t understand. I discuss presents with my family so they have an idea what to get. Also LIMIT their access to toys. It’s easy to overwhelm kids with stuff and they are much more likely to destroy things if they have loads and loads. Keep a few things out at a time and rotate so they don’t get bored. When they get new things try and spend a bit of time with them exploring the toy. My son tends to rip things open and set about 'experimenting' usually breaking it in about five minutes!
Other than that - get stuff from charity shops and in the sales so you don’t get so het up about the cost!
Chegirl
Dealing with rudeness
I sit down with my daughter when she is calm and explain that rudeness, whinging and moaning are not going to get her what she wants. I tell her that I know I am a good, loving parent and therefore I deserve and expect respect.
We've always been very firm with our daughter, but we are with our birth children too.
I would not get into debates as to who is rude, but just calmly state that she will not get what she wants by being rude. I would try to keep my attitude pleasant saying ‘yes, it is a shame you haven't been given X, Maybe next time you will ask nicely and then you will be able to have it.’
I would not let her get away with a hint of rudeness as if you are inconsistent it will take longer to change this behaviour.
She may hate you for this and put you on a huge guilt trip - I wouldn't rise to the bait - you being a good mother is not measured by how happy she is or how much of her way she is getting.
Parents need to be in control because we know what is best for our children.
Jude
Post Adoption Depression Syndrome
I found out about this after we came home with Robby, there is an illness which has been identified here as PADS - Post Adoption Depression Syndrome. It’s very common - I read recently one in ten women are affected by it. They say it can be worse than Post Natal Depression, due to so many adoptive parents having gone through so many infertility treatments and things. For most people it last about six weeks or so. My friend had it really bad after bringing home her daughter. She got over it with time, but did see a doctor. When we came home with Robby, James was working a lot, didn't even see Robby for days, and he was all mine, it was tough. THEN he went out of town for three weeks on business, and I think I was still exhausted from the travel and everything. I had a slight case of PADS, but didn't know there was such a thing until months later when I read about it. Recently I've seen several books on the subject, here's one: Post-Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforseen Challenges of Adoption by Karen J Foli and John R Thompson.
Adoptive mother, America
Twins
Tips on caring for infant twins, triplets or more:
Support network – try to find other parents of twins or triplets for reassurance and advice.
Twins will consume baby supplies at double the rate, so stock up on the things you’ll use most, but keep original packaging and receipts to return unused goods.
Sleep when the children sleep. It’s tempting to use this time to accomplish other things, but you need to get enough rest.
Get a good pushchair – getting around is one the trickiest aspects of managing twins. Some parents like a tandem style to maneuver in tight spaces, while others prefer a side-by-side model.
Use charts to keep track of how much each child ate and when, when they were last changed and medication they have taken. Tip: If you’re having trouble telling your twins apart – even if they’re not identical – a small dab of nail polish on one toe will help.
Neglect other aspects of your life and focus on your new additions. There will be time for cooking, cleaning and hobbies later, when your routine is established.
Get help! People will love your twins and genuinely want to help, so let them.
Take time out – you’re a person, not just a parent. Take time to focus on you and your partner. Put someone else in charge of the twins while you have a bath, go for a walk or take 40 winks.
Be flexible – people have different habits and needs. The ‘right’ way is whatever works best for you so try different things. Your twins are individuals, not a set, so what works for one may not work for the other.
Remember the stage you are now at is temporary. They will grow up, sleep more, eat less often and it will become easier to take them out in public.
from Fenny
How to deal with children swearing
The first step is to find out where the swearing comes from and why they are doing it. They could just be copying their friends at school or what they have seen on television. Or maybe they think swearing will get them attention, make them seem grown-up or prove their independence.
A shocked response could encourage the child to repeat the word - a calm approach is more likely to succeed. Try explaining to the child they should not use that word, why people swear, why the word isn’t acceptable and giving them a harmless alternative to express their feelings. Finally, tell them what will happen next time you hear them swearing and make sure you carry this out. from Jenny
Stories from the bible
Our son comes from a religious family, and even though we aren’t particularly church goers we do read him stories from the bible as he seems to like it. Although we don’t believe the religious side of it, we have found that the moral stories help him grasp the difference between right and wrong. from Harriet
Walking after tea
I have found that taking my toddler twins for a walk after their tea helps them burn up any excess energy and finish the day off nicely before bed. I deliberately avoid any swings and slides or places that might arouse excitement and try to stick to quiet areas. My husband comes with me too and it’s a good chance for us all to spend time together. from Cristy
Expressing emotions
We adopted our son when he was eight and he had problems expressing his emotions, which usually resulted in violent outbursts. We suggested that he kept a diary of when he felt angry or sad to encourage him to think through his problems. At first he fought against the idea, but after a while has taken to it, and the outbursts have definitely decreased (though not totally disappeared). from Caroline
Advent calenders
Our adopted son (aged seven) gets really over excited on the run up to Christmas. We have found that (a few people may disagree) using an advent calendar helps especially if you start it two - three days late. What we shall do when he realises what is going on we will cope with at a later date.
from peter&sharon
Making cards
When it’s getting near to birthdays or Christmas we found that an excellent way to keep the children entertained was to encourage them to make cards for their friends and family. We did all of the cutting and sticking which was needed, but left the rest of it up to the children. It not only kept them entertained when we had preparations to do ourselves, but also helped bring out their artistic and creative sides.
from Sue
Colour coded food
In order to help our youngest eat healthily we colour coded all the food in the house, but made the healthier foods his favourite colour. It’s such a little change, but now that he associates them with something he likes, he is more eager to eat them! from Sharon
Dressing up
It sounds really obvious, but our kids love dressing up and we’ve now started to ask friends and family to pass on any interesting and daft clothes that they have finished with. Although we get a lot of stuff that we pass straight on to charity, we have also had some great additions to the dressing up box!
from Kate
A new child
Bringing a new child into the family home is a delicate time for children already living with you. Try giving a present to your child and saying that the new addition to the family bought it for them. We tried this, and is helped encourage acceptance. from Carly.
Rewarding children
Rather than rewarding children with sugary snacks and pop, try fruit instead. If anything is presented as a reward rather than a punishment then children love it, and it’s obviously a lot healthier. We tried it, and now peaches are his favourite! from Dave
Household chores
To ensure that all the family helps with the household chores we write a list and each person chooses which jobs to do. This avoids all the cajoling and arguing. Our jobs are completed on a Saturday morning and when everything is done we have drinks and cakes together. from Lisa
Antibacterial liquid soap
You can now buy a liquid soap that is antibacterial and does not need water. It is such a life saver and cheaper than buying wet wipes. My children, who are seven and ten, feel it is much more grown up than wet wipes – and there is never an argument about washing hands! from Sandra
Sticker charts
Sticker charts do not work with our daughter as she actively tries to lose her stickers! A therapist suggested that we reward ourselves if she shows the behaviours we are trying to change. For example if she tells lies we reward ourselves with a chocolate. If she lies 5 times in a day we get a cake. This is really working. She tries so hard not to lie so we are not rewarded – and everyone is a winner. from Marcus
Sticker charts
Having tried sticker charts for good behaviour, we were finding that they weren't working because it was too easy for the children to be naughty and therefore fail to gain stickers. (They make an effort to lose the things they want, so will try extra hard to be naughty in order to lose rewards).
We now have a new system which so far seems to be working much better. Every day they both start with 30 stickers. They lose one sticker (after a warning) every time they are naughty. At the end of the day they receive a smiley face for every 10 stickers remaining, and five if all 30 are still there (hasn't happened yet!). So far, they have always had stickers left and we carry the remainders over to the next day so they always get one smiley face and more if they behave better. So far they have saved up 20 smiley faces for an umbrella which they really wanted. Now they are saving up 40 smiley faces for water guns. (Roll on the summer - ours will be bigger than theirs!)
They seem genuinely amazed that however naughty they are, we always replace all 30 stickers the next morning so they can begin again. I certainly feel that I am more in control of managing their behaviour as I can calmly tell them that I will remove a sticker unless they do as they are told. Before, I was running out of sanctions and getting cross with them - not effective for any of us!
from Greyspeckledhen
Coping with the waiting before adoption
Some of the things we have done are pricing up furniture, equipment etc so when the call comes we will at least know where to go to buy stuff. We are also looking at bedding, paint etc – we can't buy anything as we are approved for either gender so it's impossible to second guess and imagine the social worker’s face if you paint the room pink and they match with a boy! I've also bought some things like soft toys and gender neutral toys, like puzzles - it helps me with the feeling of doing something at least. Finally I've spent time with friends’ children, taking them places, having them to stay etc - just to get some practice in and to help when it comes to matching as we had a linking meeting recently and were asked what sort of stuff we did which involved children - they liked the fact we spend some time with nephews and godchildren.
from Ceri
Getting children to eat healthily
Our children came to us aged three years, two years and ten months on a diet of sausage rolls, crisps, choc bars, sweets and fizzy drinks! Even though it wasn’t always easy I started as I meant to go on. I didn’t offer any of the junk they had been used to at all and still don’t really – or only for a treat occasionally or at parties etc.
The way I did it was to make tea, ie. pasta or something with vegetables and mash and told them they had to eat it if they wanted a pudding, which was and still is a yoghurt or fromage frais and not very often anything different. I didn’t experiment with exotic foods for them and kept things basic and used the same foods fairly often - too much choice and kids switch off. Also any snacks between meals are in the fruit bowl - sometimes they eat loads of fruit, sometimes they don’t have any at all. I try not to make an issue out of it but have it available at all times.
Initially we had some very angry, stubborn and chaotic meal times but if you could see them now four-and-a-half years on they eat fantastically without much fuss - they love salad and have it almost every day!
from Tinker
Dealing with Fussy Eaters
Dealing with toddlers who are fussy with their food can be difficult and frustrating. Here are some suggestions which may help:
Toddlers’ small bodies can only take in small amounts of food, but they need a lot of energy so are often better eating small amounts of food six to seven times a day instead of waiting for big mealtimes.
Snacks such as fresh fruits and vegetables are better than foods containing more sugar, salt and fat - they keep up their energy levels instead of burning out.
Children may not like some foods, so encourage them to try a variety, but without fussing – otherwise they will soon realise refusing to eat food is a great way to get attention.
Treat mealtimes as a positive time and don’t let them become a battleground. Encourage any efforts to taste different things, but just because they don’t like it today doesn’t mean they won’t like it next week or next month.
Provide a selection of food so they can try different things – trying serving food in the centre of the table, such as salad or cold meat, and letting everyone choose what they want.
Toddlers can enjoy feeding themselves. To avoid accidents only pour small amounts of liquid into a plastic cup and serve small amounts of food in bowls.
from Fenny
Learning to use a cup
Our son is 19 months and can't use a cup properly yet. We've been practicing in the bath, where it doesn't matter if he spills it. It took a few goes before he could understand that it was alright to drink water Mummy got from the cold tap, but not to drink the bathwater. He's getting the hang of it.
from Rachel B
We had problems up until this term, when we finally removed all drinking vessels other than an open cup. We found slow moving drinks are good to practice with - yoghurty milkshakes or smoothies. Also, sitting at a small table in the kitchen is easier for him and less stressful for me if he does spill. It will come, you just need to stick with it. They also suck for comfort and we found he kept asking for drinks when he was watching TV as that was when he would've had his beaker, so we got him some teething beads from Tesco and he uses them as a comfort. He has started on a dummy at night - dreadful to break the habit I reckon, but he no longer screams for his bottle and we thought he would.
from Beattie
Try using stacking cups in the bath to help with coordination. My youngest has them and often will dip them then try to drink like a grown up. It’s in the bath so mess is minimal and he gets hand-mouth practice. We also do "cheers" with cups to help coordination in a fun way. The first few goes went over him and he looked a bit shocked but he is getting the hang of it slowly. When my eldest was at nursery many of the children hadn't a clue about even sitting on the chair in a drinks circle let alone drinking in a formal way. Luckily as I'm a tea fanatic mine were used to having "afternoon tea and cake" on their little chairs so had practiced this. Perhaps it's worth having a time each day at home where they can have another go?
from Dobby
Homework
In our house we have a 20-minute homework rule, if it's not done inside 20 minutes, a note goes back to school. All the teachers know we work this way, and they are happy to work with it too, I've explained all the issues about control to them, and have said it's one more battle for me not to fight. I did find that getting my elder daughter to read to the younger one when she was small helped, it reinforced the big sister role, and yet although the books she would choose for her sister were very simple, it really reinforced her reading skills. from Hippychick
Dealing with Rage
It is really important to protect yourself from injury and not let your child feel you are afraid of them - my ten-year-old son still has extreme limbic rages - if I see them coming I unlock the front and back doors and have the keys and my mobile in my pocket so I can leave the house - damage to doors, windows, stair spindles and the roof has happened, but is nowhere near so serious as personal injury. I have several neighbours who can respond to cryptic 'come now' phone calls and have helped me to hold him safely. It takes three fit healthy adults to contain him - remember we are trying not to injure him whilst he is in flashback mode fighting for his life and trying to kill us. If necessary phone 999 and call the police - I think I held off too long from doing this, but they have been brilliant and put some pressure on out of hours social services and post adoption support to start giving us some help. There was an excellent article in Adoption Today several months ago by Family Futures’ Alan Burnell, about only holding if it is safe to do so and involving the police if necessarily. We have had (as a last resort and to prevent him losing his school place) to resort to the use of medication – a child psychiatrist is giving him Risperidone for a six month trial - and I think it is taking the edge off things. from Truffle6
Life Story Books
We got quite a few photographs by making copies from foster carers. Also the social services nursery had some photographs too that they gave to us (in fact the only two photographs we have of ours as babies, and copies of their birth certificates). We were led to believe that social services would have taken photographs throughout their chequered past, but only really got photographs of the birth mum, social services buildings, previous home and foster carers this way. The birth mum put together a montage of her family, and we have one photograph of two half-siblings. We took loads of photographs of our kids for the first few years they were with us, and always had double or triple-prints done so they now have books which start off with pictures of them before they came to us, and continue through. They love these books far more than the social services book, and love talking about all the things we've done together. Our son wanted to take his to school recently while they were talking about "how we change" and his teacher felt that it was a fantastic example. Unfortunately, I've not kept it so up to date recently. Also, when our daughter was asking lots of questions about birth mum and where she lived etc. their social worker arranged to go round to her flat and took lots of photos of her in all the various rooms, so they have these too. The more time that passes, the harder it seems to be to get people to do things, so I'd push social services to try and take better (and up-to-date) pictures. |