Introducing birth children to their new adopted siblings is a delicate operation! Our Special Feature this week looks at some of the extra considerations adopters with birth children need to deal with at this time…
In addition to the usual anxieties of meeting your new child for the first time, introductions bring a raft of extra considerations to adopters with birth children, or even existing adopted children.
At which point in the introductions the birth child is introduced, whether they attend all or just some meetings and how best to make them feel they will not be playing second fiddle to the new arrival are just some of the issues which can crop up.
The details of a child’s introductions to their new adoptive parents should be planned in advance and set out as part of the Adoption Placement Plan by the child’s social worker, in consultation with the child’s foster carers and the adopters themselves.
When the adoptive parents have a birth child, or an existing adopted child, the plan should also include their role in the introductions.
Adoption UK Helpline Advisor Kate Watkins said: “Some parents have found that it is important that the existing child can say they don’t like the other child. Not to say to the child, or to physically harm them, but to feel they are allowed to tell their parents.
“Some people have tried explaining that it is always OK to come and tell you if they are not happy about something or angry with their new brother or sister and that mum or dad would never get cross with them for this.”
She suggests during introductions and the early stages of placement parents ensure they are giving their birth children positive attention not negative attention – praising them when they have done well at school, and being aware that older children in these situations might sometimes try to seek attention by misbehaving
It can also be a good idea for parents to plan some one-to-one time with their birth child, particularly as the new child may take up a lot of the parents’ time, making it easy for birth children to feel sidelined.
One natural way of doing this can be to allow the older child to stay up later than the new arrival.
Online Community Members’ Experiences
Our birth daughter was six when we started intros, and she was very involved. Me and my husband went on our own to our very first meeting with our son, which lasted 45 minutes. The following day our birth daughter came with us, and she came every day from then on. She did find it very exhausting though, and we wished we had factored in a rest day for us all.
Girlcalledsid
We had a six-year-old birth daughter when we adopted our 20-month-old girl. Our first meeting was just us but the next day we took our birth daughter along to meet her new sister. It worked really well. I think looking back that our birth daughter would have felt left out if she had not been included at the start and to be honest our adoptive daughter had to get used to all of us, and really the children bonded quicker than the adults.
Becky
Our girls were 15 and 10 when we went through intros for our 19-month-old. Just me and my husband went on the first day, then the girls joined us on the second day (complete with chocolate buttons as a bribe!). Then the girls went to Grandma's for some spoiling and pampering and returned for the end part of the intros where we were doing full days either at our house or the foster family's house. It was hard work trying to give everyone the attention they needed, and redecorate Littly's bedroom - but it all worked out in the end. Just do what suits you and yours. Gertiesquidge
Our eldest daughter was five when our second daughter was placed with us, she came with us from day one of the intro's and was the first to hold her new sister. We'd made up an 'activity' bag for her with things to do and snacks, and agreed that one of us would focus on supporting her, as she has additional needs too, and it was likely to trigger memories of her move to join our family. It worked very well, as did factoring in rest days for our existing daughter, and treats for her along the way.
Hippychick
We told our eldest daughter (five-and-a-half) about her new sister once we were safely through panel. Our intro's started very soon after matching panel, so she didn't have long before she met her sister. This worked out really well for all of us. We did our best to prepare her that there may be an arrival soon (preparing room in unisex theme etc., buying some toys) without letting on that we had a proposed match. It was so hard not to let on and at times I nearly cracked, but I'm glad we waited until it was 'official' I didn't want to tempt fate, nor raise her hopes too soon only to have them destroyed if the matching panel didn't go our way.
