A grandmother via adoption

After reading the article dear mum in the August 2011 issue of Adoption Today magazine, Margaret wanted to share her thoughts on becoming a grandmother through adoption.

Below is an excerpt – the full article can be found in the October 2011 issue of Adoption Today.

My daughter, a single woman, adopted a nine-year-old girl a year ago. Both my and my husband’s children are gay and single and I had not expected to be a grandparent.

I had not given any thought to matters such as adoption as an option for either of our children as it seemed they both had successful professional careers and a lot of freedom.

So, I was very taken aback when our daughter announced that she was going to apply to adopt a child. Was she really choosing to be a single parent? How would she manage? Would the agencies allow a lesbian to adopt?

carers

Whilst she was filling in the application forms, my daughter had made the assumption that if anything happened to her then we would become the carers of our grandchild – as yet unchosen and unmet.

I assured her that we could not do this. We were too old, being in our sixties. And it would be most disruptive and unfair on the child to move her into yet another county and to yet another school.

I felt strongly that our daughter should build up her local support systems and find somebody local who would take over in the event of her death. This she did. I was reassured to find that the adoption agency also focussed on her need for local support networks.

apprehension

I was full of apprehension. Having in the past taught children who could not cope with school, I had witnessed the extent of ‘bad behaviour’ possible from a disturbed and emotionally fragile child. I grilled my daughter with ‘What if?’ questions but was reassured by her mature, thoughtful and robust responses.

personal therapy

I am older and wiser now and have a deeper understanding of what my granddaughter has to cope with.

Yes ‘my granddaughter’ because that is how I view her, with pride. And indeed, she is no different to me than would be a genetic grandchild. I do not have other grandchildren so she is very special and has brought light and new life to our lives at a time when we were feeling quite low.

challenged

But I am constantly challenged by my responses to this particular child who views me with some suspicion. This does not disturb me as I know that I love her and have done, like my daughter, from the day I met her. She is a delight.

Her feelings towards me are obviously ambivalent, but then why should they be otherwise? I do not know how she has been treated by other women of my age in her past fractured life. Her feelings towards me could be transference – I may remind her of someone less pleasant. Or I may have made a mistake on first meeting her, as overcome by my excitement, I rushed to give her a hug that may have overwhelmed and frightened her. Who knows?

admiration

But I know that it will not affect my love for her and I have learnt to back off, not to expect hugs and to give her time.

I find it difficult when I hear that she has violent rages and has attacked my daughter. I am full of admiration for the calm and self-possessed way in which our daughter deals with such difficult situations.

I understand that the strategies I used to discipline my children are not appropriate for this child, who has a tremendous sense of loss and insecurity colouring her life and probably little sense of self at all.

The Adoption agency must be credited though for the family matching process – my granddaughter is definitely one of us, with her openness, her heart on her sleeve, her musicality and her love of cakes!

The full article can be found in the October 2011 issue of Adoption Today - a bi-monthly publication available to Adoption UK members.

For more information on subscribing to Adoption Today magazine, please visit the Membership pages or contact membership@adoptionuk.org.uk