A dad through adoption (17 June 2011)

To tie in with Father’s Day on Sunday 19 June, Ken takes a look at what it means to be an adoptive dad.

Ken is an adopter who has immersed himself in the world of adoption through many years of serving as an independent adoption panel member, several years as a friend for his local adoption unit, and as a local coordinator for Adoption UK.

He has often felt intrigued about how men experience adoption and so asked himself ‘Do they feel fully involved or is there a sense that some feel marginalized by a process that might be seen to focus primarily on the maternal role?’

During a course at Family Futures on ‘Adoption and Attachment’ Ken had the chance to research this area.

“I hope I have opened up a debate on how men experience adoptive parenthood,” he explains, “and that I have highlighted how vital their role is in providing a happier, emotionally healthier future for our children.”

Ken compiled a questionnaire which was completed by 22 adoptive fathers; here are some of the replies:

Motivation for adopting
Infertility was the major factor in about half the cases. However, this was often mixed with altruism and, in two cases, altruism was the major factor. One respondent cited his desire to offer a contrasting parenting experience to the one he himself experienced, while only two stated that their wife was the major influence, one stating that he was ‘bringing up the rear’ in the early days, but felt fully committed and engaged as time progressed.

Who takes on the main childcare role?
75 per cent of respondents said it was their wife who was predominantly responsible for childcare duties, with 25 per cent sharing them equally.

How did they bond with their child?
This produced varied responses; everything from, ‘bonding was instant with both’, through to ‘they bonded with me before I did with them’ and ‘by embracing the whole process of developmental re-parenting’.

How do you feel about your relationship with your adopted child as opposed to your wife’s?
They largely felt that as a couple they complemented each other. It was acknowledged that mum tended to be the primary attachment figure and that there were some benefits for dad as their relationship with the child was slightly less intense.

Does the child behave differently towards you as the male carer?
A number of respondents commented that the mother figure bore the brunt of their child’s anger and aggression; several commented that it was shared equally between them.

One commented that while the child was more verbally and physically aggressive towards him, his wife experienced more in the way of sexualized behaviour.

Two respondents remarked on the ability of the child to exploit the mother's openness and a tendency for mum to be more emotionally ‘caught up’.

What do you feel are your strengths and weaknesses as an adoptive dad?
This elicited a bewildering range of responses illustrating the many demands placed on adopters. The respondents, while confident in their own abilities and able to acknowledge faults while constantly striving to be a better dad, were often disappointing themselves in the process.

Strengths included providing a good role model, commitment, patience, encouragement, emotional intelligence and involvement, time, love, engagement and boundaries.

Perceived weaknesses also came in many forms. Several commented that they were not as good at nurture as they would like to be, while other ‘weaknesses’ came out of what might be considered the natural fallout from parenting traumatized children.

The day-to-day grind leading to tiredness, resentment, anger, frustration and difficulties in coping with ‘things I can’t fix’. One dad expressed anger and frustration at his son’s inability to ‘fight for change’.

What, if anything, inhibits you from being the parent you want to be?
The most consistent response was, perhaps predictably, work and time considerations. Other responses ranged from unrealistic expectations leading to disappointment; lack of post-adoption support; late introduction to attachment theory, and battles with authority.

What is the biggest challenge you have faced as an adoptive parent?
Responses included, being unable to protect my wife from physical attack which only occurred in my absence; the range of emotional and behavioural issues; the difficulty of articulating the complexity of the problem to family and friends; acute tiredness; ‘acknowledging that our child remains angry and insecurely attached after so much hard work’; coming to terms with the legacy of the child’s past.

Ken concluded that while respondents did not feel alienated or excluded from the process to any great degree, adoption did pose a constant challenge of juggling the needs of providing materially for the family with the duty of providing emotional sustenance. The struggle of being consistently emotionally and physically available to often angry and resistant children contrasted with the need to hold and nurture other relationships, particularly with a partner.

The answers illustrated the difficulty of coming to terms with our own histories and insecurities while trying to hold it all together for others.

How do you feel about being a dad through adoption? If you want to share your thoughts, views and experiences contact Karam Radwan, the editor of Adoption Today, at editor@adoptionuk.org.uk