Talking about adoption with your child (14 June 2011)

Decades ago, it was common for adoption to be something a child learned about when they were older. We have all heard stories where an older child is sat down to be told by mum or dad there was something important they should know. Others may never be told only to discover much later in life that they are adopted. Nowadays, adoption is a far more open subject. But how do you talk to your child about adoption?

Adoption today is not something to be hidden away and never talked about. Children are often adopted at an older age complete with memories of their previous homes, or they come armed with a life story book charting out their previous homes and families.

The children may also have contact, via letters or direct meetings, with birth siblings or relatives – so secrecy is not an option.

In fact talking to your new son or daughter about adoption from as early as possible is now the accepted way of raising your adopted child.

If you start talking about adoption as part of your normal conversation from the start, it becomes part of the child’s vocabulary and understanding of how families are formed.

Talking about different types of families, from single parents, step parents or foster families will also help a child to see families are formed in many different ways.

Using age-appropriate language and information as the child grows up is seen as the best way of helping your child to develop a healthy understanding of who they are.

Children are naturally curious about their birth families but may feel unable to ask questions or unable to find the right words to express themselves, which is why the onus is put on parents to open communication early on.

Be ready to talk when the child wants to talk and be honest in an age-appropriate way.

Marjorie Morrison, author of Talking about Adoption says: “It is essential to be absolutely honest. You must not tell them anything that isn’t true or leave out anything important. By the time our kids are grown up they will probably be able to see their own social services records and if they found out that we’ve been in any way untruthful they’ll never trust us again.”

She also urges adopters to get every scrap of information they can about their child by talking to foster carers, social workers or during a meeting with a birth relative. It is the little things such as birth weight, when they got their first tooth, when they took their first steps that your child will be keen to hear about.

Over the years, a number of books have been published to help parents tackle some of the issues they may come across such as talking about difficult pasts and create a secure base from which your new child can flourish.

No longer are parents expected to sit a child down ‘when they are old enough’ and say, “Son (or daughter) I’ve got something to tell you”.

Online community users’ experiences

We have always talked about adoption and being adopted with our girls, who came home (separately) at 18 months and 15 months. They are now three and five years old and still don't really understand that they might be a little different to many of their peers. We talk about adoption all the time at home; we talk about ‘when you came home’, adoption celebration hearings and family celebration days. We go to our Local Authority adoption celebration event every year, and meet up with people from our adoption prep group. We have their photo albums form their foster carer’s out, with albums that we have made since they came home. We also have some of the books that can be used to talk about adoption, which is where you may want to start. I really like Todd Parr’s We Belong Together, which is lovely and makes me a bit tearful to be honest! What we are trying to do is make sure that adoption is just a natural part of our lives. I don’t think that will necessarily prevent them having anxieties, hard questions or struggles with it, but I do hope that it means that they never feel that any of that is something that they cannot talk about. Personally, I think you need to start talking about it as soon as possible. Maybe starting with the ‘when you came home’ stories (like baby stories).
LMSA

Our daughter was 13 months old when she came home and I would mention adoption every now and then as soon as she came to us. I made up a fairytale book about us adopting our gorgeous baby and she loved it’. We then got to reception age (four) and they had to take pictures in of themselves as babies. I reminded our daughter then that she didn't grow in my tummy as mine is broken, she wasn’t too happy about this as she said she wanted to grow in my tummy! But she got over it quickly. I have always drip fed details of her adoption and her birth family. She is now six years old and today was the first time I've heard her say to her school friend that she is adopted and then asked her friend if she was. The girl isn't but said she was, so her mum asked if she knew what it meant, she said ‘no’ so my daughter told her – ‘it’s when you grow in someone else’s tummy then someone nice comes to get you and loves you forever!’
tissy

There’s never really been a time when we've sat down and they’ve been told. It’s something that we’ve just drip fed them since the time they arrived - all as babies of 12 months and under. We started by talking about where babies come from and moved on to saying whose tummy they grew in. They all know that mummy’s tummy doesn’t work and all know whose tummies they grew in. We have photographs of their adoption days in a prominent (but private to them) position so we can refer to those and talk about their adoption days. I never wanted to have to sit down and have that conversation with them - my aim was that it was something they just always knew and could talk about whenever they wanted to. My daughter is five and now has a thing about having a baby in her tummy. She will frequently lift my top up and have a feel to see if I have one in my tummy. We have used this opportunity to talk to her about babies, where they grow and how they come out. I think the sooner you start the easier and more natural it becomes. We now have some whacky conversations in our house talking about various birth mothers and foster carers. Even I get confused sometimes!
Donatella

Useful publications

Talking about adoption to your adopted child by Marjorie Morrison

Published by BAAF (2007)

ISBN: 978 1 905664 26 9

We Belong Together: A Book about Adoption and Families by Todd Parr

Published by Little Brown Book Group; Library Binding edition (2008)

ISBN: 978 0 316016 68 1

Adoption Conversations by Renee Wolfs

Published by BAAF (2008)

ISBN: 978 1 905664 35 1