Dealing with rejection (8 April 2011)

Sometimes a parent can struggle with feeling rejected if their new child is not able to reciprocate the love and affection they are shown. So how do you cope with the feelings of hurt and sadness?

It is one thing to be warned that your new child may be rejecting at times because he is punishing you for the ultimate rejection he received from his birth mother. It is another to experience it.

For some adopters this can be almost too much to bear. You’ve been through so much to become a parent to this child, yet they seem to push you away at every turn.

Other people will tell you not to take it personally, but that is easier said than done. After all what could be more personal than being rejected by someone you just want to love and give all your time and devotion to?

Jennifer remembers: “At first it was so hard not to take it personally and at times I did find myself in tears as he seemed to prefer anyone but me.

“ ‘He doesn’t want me’, ‘I’m not a good enough mother’, ‘he’ll never settle’, were all the thoughts that used to run through my mind.

“However, as the months and years went on, I began to recognise and view his behaviour very differently. I started to really believe that his behaviour was not a reflection on me or him, it was simply the only language he had for expressing how he felt.

"It is only when I truly understood that, I was able to change how I routinely responded to him and we began to make progress. Feeling sorry for myself, feeling I hadn’t asked for this was not going to help either of us. Feeling what it must feel like for him, while not easy, certainly was.”

A fundamental part of having developmental trauma and/or an attachment disorder is the child’s belief that the only way they can stay safe is by pushing you away and to distance themselves from you emotionally and physically.

But being an adoptive parent you are often dealing with deep wounds inflicted on your child often before they could walk or talk and it can feel very upsetting, even heartbreaking at times.

If you can, do one thing – and that is to keep their behaviour clearly in your mind as a reflection of what has happened to them in the past, you can stay in empathy and see their actions for what they are - a cry for help.

What most adopters do find though if they stick with it, if they follow the advice of being nurturing, calm and regulating for their child, is that those rejecting behaviours do subside as the child becomes more secure and comfortable with you. But it takes time.

When the genuine hugs start to come, suddenly it all becomes worth it.

A full account of Dealing with Rejection is featured in the April 2011 issue of Adoption Today magazine - a
bi-monthly publication available to Adoption UK members. For more information on subscribing to Adoption Today magazine, please visit the Membership pages or contact membership@adoptionuk.org.uk

Online Community members' experiences of rejecting behaviours:

The ambivalence towards you will fade over time, as he feels more secure with you. But be aware that it may never go completely - it depends what attachment style he has. My daughter has an ambivalent attachment and so now, even six years on, she can alternate between being clingy and rejecting (although it's not to the extremes that it once was). Wanting to cuddle other people rather than you is also common behaviour. You’re his primary carer, so are the one he least wants to lose, and he's not going to risk showing you you're important to him until he can trust you and know you'll always be there. It also is indiscriminate behaviour - he may not have any stranger danger awareness and may not know that other people shouldn't be kissed and cuddled (depending who it is, of course - my daughter would try and cuddle the supermarket assistants, for example, or other children's parents that she had just met). Over time, as he learns he can trust you and you won't let him down, he will become more affectionate and less rejecting of you. But if he doesn't, seek help. Look to Theraplay etc to aid in his attachment to you.
FehrScaper

Try building up gradually to more physical contact - after swimming or bath time hugging in a warm towel. Instead of full on kisses try introducing Eskimo kisses - rubbing noses... Eskimo kisses were our starting point and is still now quite special. Try watching TV snuggling under blankets and sharing popcorn. If it is quite extreme...start with hand washing - you standing behind and helping with hand washing and maybe introduce some hand cream with you massaging the cream in. Again after bath time try to introduce some gentle safe massage maybe just feet and legs at first. My son was keen to kiss and hug anyone but I gently steered him away from this.
Elm

When our litte one was placed he would only hug and kiss his dad. We were advised to get daddy to give mummy his hugs and kisses that he forgot to give and it worked like a dream. “I will give my own kisses and hugs thank you!” was his response.
Homerton

Some traumatised children reject their new parents to begin with, some are all over them and some are ambivalent as you are discovering. It is all part of their response to their early attachment experiences and it is not that easy to 'fix'. There are lots of things you can do to develop his bond with you - he may be anxious that you will leave him, just like his birth mother and foster carer have done. You might like to look into Theraplay - but treat this as something of a longish term project to build up his trust in you. Never be late picking him up, be very aware of his response when you e.g. go off to the toilet and leave him.
Garden

Additional accounts from Online Community members can be found on our Message Boards.